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Not sure if this is the right topic area to post this but i have a problem with a neighbour.

I think this neighbour has autism or some learning difficulties as she seems to say things to rub me up the wrong way and she doesnt realise.

The other night i was trying to help another friend of mine who has just been made homeless. Its been a huge strain on me as this homeless friend has been contractually paid to do some work on my home repairs but cant as hes homeless.

Anyway this neighbour messaged me at 11.30pm asking for help as she has lost her house keys. I messaged back and said your lucky you have just lost your keys my friend has just lost his home and hes sleeping in a tent in the garden. She then messaged back saying id never let my bf sleep in the garden i care about him too much. It was like she was implying that im not being very caring because i wont have him in my home. So it got my back up. I dont have him in my home bacause my home is tiny and i can hear him snoring, even through the walls. Plus he likes sleeping in my tent he says he prefers it.

 

She totally missed the point i was making, which is some people have bigger problems than just losing some keys. This is what makes me think she may be autistic. It did get my back up abit though because i dont need 11.30pm text messages with people off loading their problems on me. The next day she was messaging me again about her keys as well making it my problem again.

 

Since she has moved in she has spoke alot about all her problems to the point where ive felt quite drained, shes quite natuarlly negative and struggles with simple things. Ive given her help in her house with dly and another neighbour says shes always knocking on his door asking for help and he resents it.

 

Well today it esculated, we was talking and i spoke about my homeless friend and how the home repairs have come to a hault and she turns around and says i dont want to hear it ive got enough of my own problems. It instantly got my back up again (she has a habit of doing that). I went inside and i thought how rude this girl is. Ive listened to all her problems and helped her and shes just cut me off and it upset me. So i sent her a text saying if you dont want to listen to my problems please dont message me at 11.30pm again please telling me about your problems.

 

Well she thought i was being rude by saying this. As shes got difficulties and i suspect she wont understand shes rubbed me up the wrong way. Even although she cut me up in my conversation and said she doesnt need to hear it she cant see how her actions affected me.

 

Anyway under normal circumstances this wouldnt bother me as i wouldnt need to see her again but shes my neighbour and we share a hallway and its a shared garden so i now have to see her all of the time. This is now going to be really awkward, any advice on how to handle this? I know me and her are chalk and cheese anyway so i would gladly not talk to her anymore but i could do without the awkwardness this has now created.

 

Another issue i have with her aswell is she stinks. Her and her boyfriend really stink. That would normally be non of my business either but when they open their front door the smell travels up the stairs and up the hallway and if i open my front door it seeps into my flat. Its apoly ransid, the smell is really strong. I cant even describe how horrible the smell is! Ive spoke to their landlord and hes told the estate agents. But nothings been done. This is another issue i have with them but im unsure what i can do about it. I could do without the nasty smell i have to inhale everytime they open their front door and i certainly do not need it in my home either

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Yikes!!!

 

I guess the first thing you might do is cease communicating with her entirely, other than a polite nod in the hallway. Don't answer your phone if she calls you at odd hours, or better yet, block her number.

 

You clearly don't want this person for a friend, so you might as well stop letting her in on your personal life.

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She was on my facebook but ive blocked her. You cant block someone from where you live though unfortunately. I will feel awkward now just walking past her. I have to pass hers every time i go out the main door.

On alot of occassions i have to go down and open the front door to get the awful smell out of the hallway becasue its seeping into my flat as the smell is really strong and as shes in real close proximity to me.

 

To be honest ceasing communication would be a good thing. Its going to be awkward if i see her chatting to my neighbour who i get on with though. As he will wonder why im not coming over to talk. Which is a shame

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Is it a cooking smell or a body odor smell?

 

It doesn't have to be awkward, just smile and nod when you see her, and keep moving.

 

The smell is like nothing ive ever smelt before. I have tried to describe it to my homeless friend, he thought i was over exadurating until he came to visit and now he can see why its so distressing for me.

The only smell ive smelt that smells similar to it is: i went to my fridge and there was some halloumi sitting in a packet in its own water, it had gone out of date and was sweating in the packet. She smellt similar to that. Both her and her boyfriend stink. Even When they are outside you can smell them! I think its a mixutre of uncleanleness and bad diet and bad living. I dont no but i dont need it coming up the stairs and into my home. Its awful.

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Right. There's no law that says you have to associate with your neighbors. It's clearly not working out for you, so what exactly are you afraid of? You don't want to offend them? Too bad. They have offended you. You don't have to be hostile with them, just stop associating with them. You have a right to your privacy.

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Right. There's no law that says you have to associate with your neighbors. It's clearly not working out for you, so what exactly are you afraid of? You don't want to offend them? Too bad. They have offended you. You don't have to be hostile with them, just stop associating with them. You have a right to your privacy.

 

I guess i am affraid of feeling on edge and this in turn taking the enjoyment out of me living in my home. I dont want hostility i dont want any bad vibes at all. But i also want to be able to sit outside and not feel on edge when she pulls up in her car. Or to meet in the corridor and me to feel awkward.

I am glad that shes no longer a friend as i dont want to listen to her problems or have to help her anymore but i also dont want her to be nasty with me either.

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No one has to be friends with neighbours but I would refrain from diagnosing people.

 

True. Whether shes autistic or not has no relevance to this at all. I guess i was just trying to make sense of why she acts the way she does. We are just chalk and cheese.

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Anyway this neighbour messaged me at 11.30pm asking for help as she has lost her house keys. I messaged back and said your lucky you have just lost your keys my friend has just lost his home and hes sleeping in a tent in the garden.

 

I don't understand why you said this. You could have just helped her get into her house and called it a night.

 

She totally missed the point i was making, which is some people have bigger problems than just losing some keys.

That doesn't make any sense. She was asking for help.

 

Her losing her keys has nothing to do with your friend and his tent. It's just a mean-spirited thing to imply that asking for help means asking for pity.

 

I think your commentary probably made matters worse than they otherwise would have been.

 

Maybe you don't like her, and that's fine. But if you're rude to someone, it's silly to act surprised when there are consequences.

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Why would it make sense though?Her situation is highly Pertinent to her your situation is highly pertinent to you and your friend’s situation is highly pertinent to him everything is relative to somebody. Because somebody else has a situation doesn’t make another person situations any less .

True. Whether shes autistic or not has no relevance to this at all. I guess i was just trying to make sense of why she acts the way she does. We are just chalk and cheese.
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You are allowed to not like someone and choose not to talk to them.

 

Either block her on your phone or change her ringtone and message tone to silent. That way she won't bother you.

 

Get some air freshener spray for the hall or one of those plug in fresheners.

 

Who cares if she's talking to your friend. say hi to your friend and keep walking.

 

A lot of this could have been avoided if you just cut her off and stopped pretending you liked her as a friend.

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This is the diagnostic criteria to determine Autism. Do you even know if she meets any of these criteria ? My son is diagnosed autistic and it took eight hours of testing ,two hours of conversation with me and one hour of conversation with him . This was done with a clinical psychologist . And the last part of it is support levels for autistic people .

 

It’s pretty unfair for people to say just because someone might appear rude that they are autistic . Actually what you said to her in the beginning about who cares about her situation was pretty rude to begin with .

From the DSM5:

A. Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts, as manifested by the following, currently or by history (examples are illustrative, not exhaustive, see text):

 

Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity, ranging, for example, from abnormal social approach and failure of normal back-and-forth conversation; to reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect; to failure to initiate or respond to social interactions.

Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction, ranging, for example, from poorly integrated verbal and nonverbal communication; to abnormalities in eye contact and body language or deficits in understanding and use of gestures; to a total lack of facial expressions and nonverbal communication.

Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships, ranging, for example, from difficulties adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts; to difficulties in sharing imaginative play or in making friends; to absence of interest in peers.

Specify current severity:

Severity is based on social communication impairments and restricted repetitive patterns of behavior (see Table 2).

B. Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities, as manifested by at least two of the following, currently or by history (examples are illustrative, not exhaustive; see text):

 

Stereotyped or repetitive motor movements, use of objects, or speech (e.g., simple motor stereotypies, lining up toys or flipping objects, echolalia, idiosyncratic phrases).

Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns or verbal nonverbal behavior (e.g., extreme distress at small changes, difficulties with transitions, rigid thinking patterns, greeting rituals, need to take same route or eat food every day).

Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus (e.g, strong attachment to or preoccupation with unusual objects, excessively circumscribed or perseverative interest).

Hyper- or hyporeactivity to sensory input or unusual interests in sensory aspects of the environment (e.g., apparent indifference to pain/temperature, adverse response to specific sounds or textures, excessive smelling or touching of objects, visual fascination with lights or movement).

C. Symptoms must be present in the early developmental period (but may not become fully manifest until social demands exceed limited capacities, or may be masked by learned strategies in later life).

 

D. Symptoms cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of current functioning.

 

E. These disturbances are not better explained by intellectual disability (intellectual developmental disorder) or global developmental delay. Intellectual disability and autism spectrum disorder frequently co-occur; to make comorbid diagnoses of autism spectrum disorder and intellectual disability, social communication should be below that expected for general developmental level.

 

NOTE: Individuals with a well-established DSM-IV diagnosis of autistic disorder, Asperger’s disorder, or pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified should be given the diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder. Individuals who have marked deficits in social communication, but whose symptoms do not otherwise meet criteria for autism spectrum disorder, should be evaluated for social (pragmatic) communication disorder.

 

TABLE 2 SEVERITY LEVELS FOR AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDER

Level 3: “Requiring very substantial support”

 

Social Communication:

Severe deficits in verbal and nonverbal social communication skills cause severe impairments in functioning, very limited initiation of social interactions, and minimal response to social overtures from others. For example, a person with few words of intelligible speech who rarely initiates interaction and, when he or she does, makes unusual approaches to meet needs only and responds to only very direct social approaches.

 

Restricted, Repetitive Behaviours:

Inflexibility of behavior, extreme difficulty coping with change, or other restricted/repetitive behaviors markedly interfere with functioning in all spheres. Great distress/difficulty changing focus or action.

 

Level 2: “Requiring substantial support”

 

Social Communication:

Marked deficits in verbal and nonverbal social communication skills; social impairments apparent even with supports in place; limited initiation of social interactions; and reduced or abnormal responses to social overtures from others. For example, a person who speaks simple sentences, whose interaction is limited to narrow special interests, and who has markedly odd nonverbal communication.

 

Restricted, Repetitive Behaviours:

Inflexibility of behavior, difficulty coping with change, or other restricted/repetitive behaviors appear frequently enough to be obvious to the casual observer and interfere with functioning in a variety of contexts. Distress and/or difficulty changing focus or action.

 

Level 1: “Requiring support”

 

Social Communication:

Without supports in place, deficits in social communication cause noticeable impairments. Difficulty initiating social interactions, and clear examples of atypical or unsuccessful response to social overtures of others. May appear to have decreased interest in social interactions. For example, a person who is able to speak in full sentences and engages in communication but whose to-and-fro conversation with others fails, and whose attempts to make friends are odd and typically unsuccessful.

 

Restricted, Repetitive Behaviours:

Inflexibility of behavior causes significant interference with functioning in one or more contexts. Difficulty switching between activities. Problems of organization and planning hamper independence.

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I don't understand why you said this. You could have just helped her get into her house and called it a night.

When she sent this i was in bed in my pjs. I was feeling quite exhausted and had a migraine coming so i dont think i really could of helped her at 11.30pm to go rummaging through her bin with her.

 

 

That doesn't make any sense. She was asking for help.

 

Shes always asking for help. Ive helped her loads but when i want to talk about my issue she shuts me down.

 

Her losing her keys has nothing to do with your friend and his tent. It's just a mean-spirited thing to imply that asking for help means asking for pity.

 

I think your commentary probably made matters worse than they otherwise would have been.

 

Maybe it did but if im not feeling 100% and its late at night the commentry isnt going to come out as well as it should. She had her boyfriend out there helping her anyway. 11.30pm is pushing boundaries in my eyes.

 

Maybe you don't like her, and that's fine. But if you're rude to someone, it's silly to act surprised when there are consequences.

 

I wouldnt say i dont like her she just rubs me up the wrong way. she was rude to me by shutting me down when i was telling her my problem. Ive listened to hwr problems and helped her out quite a lot but she cant even listen to mine once .

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This is the diagnostic criteria to determine Autism. Do you even know if she meets any of these criteria ? My son is diagnosed autistic and it took eight hours of testing ,two hours of conversation with me and one hour of conversation with him . This was done with a clinical psychologist . And the last part of it is support levels for autistic people .

 

It’s pretty unfair for people to say just because someone might appear rude that they are autistic . Actually what you said to her in the beginning about who cares about her situation was pretty rude to begin with .

From the DSM5:

A. Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts, as manifested by the following, currently or by history (examples are illustrative, not exhaustive, see text):

 

Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity, ranging, for example, from abnormal social approach and failure of normal back-and-forth conversation; to reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect; to failure to initiate or respond to social interactions.

Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction, ranging, for example, from poorly integrated verbal and nonverbal communication; to abnormalities in eye contact and body language or deficits in understanding and use of gestures; to a total lack of facial expressions and nonverbal communication.

Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships, ranging, for example, from difficulties adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts; to difficulties in sharing imaginative play or in making friends; to absence of interest in peers.

Specify current severity:

Severity is based on social communication impairments and restricted repetitive patterns of behavior (see Table 2).

B. Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities, as manifested by at least two of the following, currently or by history (examples are illustrative, not exhaustive; see text):

 

Stereotyped or repetitive motor movements, use of objects, or speech (e.g., simple motor stereotypies, lining up toys or flipping objects, echolalia, idiosyncratic phrases).

Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns or verbal nonverbal behavior (e.g., extreme distress at small changes, difficulties with transitions, rigid thinking patterns, greeting rituals, need to take same route or eat food every day).

Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus (e.g, strong attachment to or preoccupation with unusual objects, excessively circumscribed or perseverative interest).

Hyper- or hyporeactivity to sensory input or unusual interests in sensory aspects of the environment (e.g., apparent indifference to pain/temperature, adverse response to specific sounds or textures, excessive smelling or touching of objects, visual fascination with lights or movement).

C. Symptoms must be present in the early developmental period (but may not become fully manifest until social demands exceed limited capacities, or may be masked by learned strategies in later life).

 

D. Symptoms cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of current functioning.

 

E. These disturbances are not better explained by intellectual disability (intellectual developmental disorder) or global developmental delay. Intellectual disability and autism spectrum disorder frequently co-occur; to make comorbid diagnoses of autism spectrum disorder and intellectual disability, social communication should be below that expected for general developmental level.

 

NOTE: Individuals with a well-established DSM-IV diagnosis of autistic disorder, Asperger’s disorder, or pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified should be given the diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder. Individuals who have marked deficits in social communication, but whose symptoms do not otherwise meet criteria for autism spectrum disorder, should be evaluated for social (pragmatic) communication disorder.

 

TABLE 2 SEVERITY LEVELS FOR AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDER

Level 3: “Requiring very substantial support”

 

Social Communication:

Severe deficits in verbal and nonverbal social communication skills cause severe impairments in functioning, very limited initiation of social interactions, and minimal response to social overtures from others. For example, a person with few words of intelligible speech who rarely initiates interaction and, when he or she does, makes unusual approaches to meet needs only and responds to only very direct social approaches.

 

Restricted, Repetitive Behaviours:

Inflexibility of behavior, extreme difficulty coping with change, or other restricted/repetitive behaviors markedly interfere with functioning in all spheres. Great distress/difficulty changing focus or action.

 

Level 2: “Requiring substantial support”

 

Social Communication:

Marked deficits in verbal and nonverbal social communication skills; social impairments apparent even with supports in place; limited initiation of social interactions; and reduced or abnormal responses to social overtures from others. For example, a person who speaks simple sentences, whose interaction is limited to narrow special interests, and who has markedly odd nonverbal communication.

 

Restricted, Repetitive Behaviours:

Inflexibility of behavior, difficulty coping with change, or other restricted/repetitive behaviors appear frequently enough to be obvious to the casual observer and interfere with functioning in a variety of contexts. Distress and/or difficulty changing focus or action.

 

Level 1: “Requiring support”

 

Social Communication:

Without supports in place, deficits in social communication cause noticeable impairments. Difficulty initiating social interactions, and clear examples of atypical or unsuccessful response to social overtures of others. May appear to have decreased interest in social interactions. For example, a person who is able to speak in full sentences and engages in communication but whose to-and-fro conversation with others fails, and whose attempts to make friends are odd and typically unsuccessful.

 

Restricted, Repetitive Behaviours:

Inflexibility of behavior causes significant interference with functioning in one or more contexts. Difficulty switching between activities. Problems of organization and planning hamper independence.

 

I used to work with autistic children and had to do courses in order to support them

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You are allowed to not like someone and choose not to talk to them.

 

Either block her on your phone or change her ringtone and message tone to silent. That way she won't bother you.

 

Get some air freshener spray for the hall or one of those plug in fresheners.

 

Who cares if she's talking to your friend. say hi to your friend and keep walking.

 

A lot of this could have been avoided if you just cut her off and stopped pretending you liked her as a friend.

 

Air freshner sprays trigger my asthma so o cant use them sadly. I was thinking an odor eatter but they are really expensive

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Even so without her history you can’t know for sure. It is just easier to assume you are two people who don’t mesh.

I used to work with autistic children and had to do courses in order to support them
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Anyway this neighbour messaged me at 11.30pm asking for help as she has lost her house keys. I messaged back and said your lucky you have just lost your keys my friend has just lost his home and hes sleeping in a tent in the garden ... She totally missed the point i was making, which is some people have bigger problems than just losing some keys.
First of all, that's all a big "but ****in' why?" Losing keys sucks whether or not you've got a homeless friend. Then you needlessly dramatize the tent thing when he in fact prefers it. You get mad at her for "offloading her problems" when you do the very same thing in your retort.

 

Then when she essentially flips the script later:

Well today it esculated, we was talking and i spoke about my homeless friend and how the home repairs have come to a hault and she turns around and says i dont want to hear it ive got enough of my own problems.
... you get butt hurt? The whole story is very amusing.

 

its a shared garden
Wait is this the same garden you've got your friend crashing in the tent within? If you're shacking up strange men in shared living space with others in your complex, you've probably got the least leverage of anyone to be lobbying complaints up the ladder.

 

So I don't know. I'm not seeing any good guys to root for here. I don't know what smells you've got going. It sounds like if it were foul enough, you'd get enough complaints that whoever owns the property would be concerned for their investment. I'd make sure you've got weather strips installed correctly on your door and maybe install a door sweep if you don't have one. These are cheap and easy ways to insulate your apartment both for temperature control and potentially off-putting smells from the halls.

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Even so without her history you can’t know for sure. It is just easier to assume you are two people who don’t mesh.

 

Yes We are two people who are chalk and cheese. I dont get her and she doesnt get me. I found no common ground with her whats so ever but i do not wish her any harm. Shes struggling as am i with separate problems. I dont dislike her at all and i hope shes happy in life. I just dont like to feel awkward especually where i live

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I don't understand why you said this. You could have just helped her get into her house and called it a night.

 

 

That doesn't make any sense. She was asking for help.

 

Her losing her keys has nothing to do with your friend and his tent. It's just a mean-spirited thing to imply that asking for help means asking for pity.

 

I think your commentary probably made matters worse than they otherwise would have been.

 

Maybe you don't like her, and that's fine. But if you're rude to someone, it's silly to act surprised when there are consequences.

 

I completely agree. Felt exactly the same when I read this.

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Yes We are two people who are chalk and cheese. I dont get her and she doesnt get me. I found no common ground with her whats so ever but i do not wish her any harm. Shes struggling as am i with separate problems. I dont dislike her at all and i hope shes happy in life. I just dont like to feel awkward especually where i live

 

I am sure she doesn’t either.

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I do not understand why you brought up your homeless friend. Really unnecessary.

 

You should have shut down this neighbor, long ago. Stop playing therapist. When someone starts treating you as a sounding board, excuse yourself. Develop some boundaries.

 

You seem to have a lot of issues with the neighbors. Things escalate to a place they never need to be. What did you do about the noise issue?

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I see two choices, either just ignore her and carry on with your life or tell her you want to talk to her and say something about you both need to get along to share the common space of your building. You dont have to be friends but it would be nice to feel comfortable in your yard and hallway and maybe you need to be the bigger person and make the effort to get along. If you dont want to do that, then the negative feelings on both sides will continue.

 

Block her on your phone if you dont want her calling you.

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You're both playing the game of one-upping the other on rudeness. She told you a problem, and you responded in a one-up that rubbed her the wrong way. Then you tell her a problem, and she rubbed you the wrong way.

 

You're even, so call it a day. Stop engaging her except for a pleasant hello if your paths cross. If she engages your other neighbor, wave to them both and keep moving.

 

As for the smell, keep that door closed and use the other one.

 

Consider the biggest one-up for both of you: in a global pandemic, some things just aren't important. Do your head a good turn and let it all roll off of you instead of focusing on it and picking it apart. You'll thank yourself later.

 

Head high, we can all do this.

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Anyway this neighbour messaged me at 11.30pm asking for help as she has lost her house keys. I messaged back and said your lucky you have just lost your keys my friend has just lost his home and hes sleeping in a tent in the garden.

 

You were rude first.

 

I can't fathom why you responded this way to her.

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