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Sorry to hear this. Block and delete him. You don't need a cheater in your life.

he is attracted to me, interested in me but has a girlfriend in another city...He then went on to say that he has 'problems' with her that cannot be resolved
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So after a few dates and after building up so much with me, after being head over heels for me, he just told me yesterday how he is attracted to me, interested in me but has a girlfriend in another city... *sighs* Needless to say, I was not suspecting such a thing as he was acting totally like a single man and I had started to develop feelings for him... He then went on to say that he has 'problems' with her that cannot be resolved and would break up once they see each other... I am just speechless.

 

WOW, and here you were, getting ready to take it to the next level with him! Good thing you kept your wits about you!

 

Honestly, I have not talked abut being exclusive with him as I thought it should have been clear to him knowing my boundaries and the fact that I am not after flyings.

 

It probably was clear to him. He just doesn't have respect for your boundaries or his girlfriend's boundaries, or probably anyone else's for that matter.

 

In this case, the only unclear thing was his motives.

 

Even if you had an outright discussion with him about exclusivity, I doubt you would have gotten the real truth.

 

I hope you leave him in the dust. Don't wait for him to break up with his girlfriend.

 

Be careful of people like this!

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WOW, and here you were, getting ready to take it to the next level with him! Good thing you kept your wits about you!

 

 

 

It probably was clear to him. He just doesn't have respect for your boundaries or his girlfriend's boundaries, or probably anyone else's for that matter.

 

In this case, the only unclear thing was his motives.

 

Even if you had an outright discussion with him about exclusivity, I doubt you would have gotten the real truth.

 

I hope you leave him in the dust. Don't wait for him to break up with his girlfriend.

 

Be careful of people like this!

I agree 100%. Get away from this person. He is cheating on his gf with you and using you both for his own selfish reasons.

 

Do not tolerate this one bit.

 

Thank God, you were being smart and taking it slow. A good lesson for all singles, for sure.

 

Know that this guy is no good and you can and will do better next time.

 

hang in there!

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WOW, and here you were, getting ready to take it to the next level with him! Good thing you kept your wits about you!

 

 

 

It probably was clear to him. He just doesn't have respect for your boundaries or his girlfriend's boundaries, or probably anyone else's for that matter.

 

In this case, the only unclear thing was his motives.

 

Even if you had an outright discussion with him about exclusivity, I doubt you would have gotten the real truth.

 

I hope you leave him in the dust. Don't wait for him to break up with his girlfriend.

 

Be careful of people like this!

 

Hi Jibralta, thank you for the advice, I appreciate it. I must admit I am still shocked and try to understand his intentions which have left me perplexed. He told me afterwards that there are serious obstacles in his relationship with his girlfriend and sees in me 'qualities' he has been looking for all his life... Go figure if he is really honest...

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I agree 100%. Get away from this person. He is cheating on his gf with you and using you both for his own selfish reasons.

 

Do not tolerate this one bit.

 

Thank God, you were being smart and taking it slow. A good lesson for all singles, for sure.

 

Know that this guy is no good and you can and will do better next time.

 

hang in there!

 

Thank you Lambert. I feel horrible especially after what he has built and all the discussions we had had... I need time to understand this as such a thing had never happened to me. I mean he knew I was a serious woman (he told me earlier that it was one of the things he had appreciated), then why would you approach that kind of a woman if you have someone else in your life?

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Look at what he was doing to her. She is probably a fine woman also.

 

Agreed.

 

He told me afterwards that there are serious obstacles in his relationship with his girlfriend and sees in me 'qualities' he has been looking for all his life.

 

That's the typical cheater bait: sympathy and flattery. Don't fall for it.

 

Go figure if he is really honest...

 

He is most definitely not honest, as his behavior with you has demonstrated.

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Thank you Lambert. I feel horrible especially after what he has built and all the discussions we had had... I need time to understand this as such a thing had never happened to me. I mean he knew I was a serious woman (he told me earlier that it was one of the things he had appreciated), then why would you approach that kind of a woman if you have someone else in your life?

 

Because he wishes he could be good enough for someone like you.

 

I consider myself a good person, too. And sometimes I attract broken people. Its taken me a long time to learn. That sometimes we attract bad people. Not because they are like us. Quite the opposite. They desperately need what we have.

 

But good for you, you see his true colors and you bailed... keep going! someone better will come along!

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I have a different take. I think this is too generous for him:

 

Because he wishes he could be good enough for someone like you.

 

I think that someone like him is somewhat sociopathic in nature.

 

He has high self esteem and little to no self respect.

 

Meaning, he believes he is good enough for her, whether he meets her standards or not.

 

In fact, when it comes to standards, he has none. That's why he can so easily pretend to conform with hers.

 

They desperately need what we have.

 

But only because they're parasites and they feed off of it.

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So after a few dates and after building up so much with me, after being head over heels for me, he just told me yesterday how he is attracted to me, interested in me but has a girlfriend in another city... *sighs* Needless to say, I was not suspecting such a thing as he was acting totally like a single man and I had started to develop feelings for him... He then went on to say that he has 'problems' with her that cannot be resolved and would break up once they see each other... I am just speechless.

 

Brush it off. There are better out there. Don't be surprised there are usually 80% of people like that and 20% who are genuine. Some will fall in a gray area and you'll have to decide for yourself what to do in situations like that down the line. There's no cut and dry plan for every person you meet.

 

When I say brush it off, don't internalize it or think you did anything to deserve meeting a rotten apple. They're just there. Rolling around. A bit like carbon monoxide in the air. It exists, we're surrounded by it in smaller or larger quantities depending where we're at in life but don't consume in large doses or ratios. Just roll over those lousy apples and keep cruising.

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I have a different take. I think this is too generous for him:

 

 

 

I think that someone like him is somewhat sociopathic in nature.

 

He has high self esteem and little to no self respect.

 

Meaning, he believes he is good enough for her, whether he meets her standards or not.

 

In fact, when it comes to standards, he has none. That's why he can so easily pretend to conform with hers.

 

 

 

But only because they're parasites and they feed off of it.

You make good point, Jibs! [emoji8]
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Cheaters are selfish. Look at what he was doing to her. She is probably a fine woman also.

 

Yea, the first thing that I told him was that I would never want to hurt another woman's feelings. He is confidently playing with the feelings of two women.

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I have a different take. I think this is too generous for him:

 

 

 

I think that someone like him is somewhat sociopathic in nature.

 

 

 

 

But only because they're parasites and they feed off of it.

 

Though I do not like to label people but after what you wrote here and comparing to what I have seen I do believe he might really be sociopathic and someone who lacks empathy too.. I don't know if the lack of empathy fits into the 'sociopathic' thing.

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Thanks everyone for the good advice. The problem is that I may see him every once in a while in some gatherings. I will have to greet him so I just want to try to act normal... it makes it a bit difficult for me..

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I will have to greet him so I just want to try to act normal... it makes it a bit difficult for me..

 

I know. That's the worst.

 

It may help to imagine how you would want your best friend, or your mom, or your sister to succeed in this situation and follow suit.

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Thanks everyone for the good advice. The problem is that I may see him every once in a while in some gatherings. I will have to greet him so I just want to try to act normal... it makes it a bit difficult for me..

 

Are these work or professional gatherings? Or social only?

 

I'd treat him like you would an obnoxious client or someone you should get along with on a working level but nothing more. Once the meet and greet is finished (greeting each other at the gathering), excuse yourself to speak with others or stay for small talk and then excuse yourself to mingle elsewhere.

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Are these work or professional gatherings? Or social only?

 

 

It is social but I cannot avoid them for the time being. It is not often either.

 

I'd treat him like you would an obnoxious client or someone you should get along with on a working level but nothing more. Once the meet and greet is finished (greeting each other at the gathering), excuse yourself to speak with others or stay for small talk and then excuse yourself to mingle elsewhere.

 

 

Rose, we have ended this on amicable terms and he has taken distance as I have (even though him taking distance that quickly surprised me considering how head over heels he was over me but it feels better...). With that said, I am not generally capable of treating men I have been with like I would an obnoxious client :)

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I know. That's the worst.

 

It may help to imagine how you would want your best friend, or your mom, or your sister to succeed in this situation and follow suit.

 

I just want to treat him like an acquaintance, be my normal happy self as I have no feelings for him. I do not resent him either to be honest. That is just how I am. But I was angry and flabbergasted when he revealed to me about the gf after hours and hours of talking and after getting me hooked...

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Just goes to show the actual depth of his feelings! What a good pretender he is ;)

 

Yea all this after the love bombing and showing himself as the serious man willing to have a family.. and then you just wonder what kind of an unstable person he is? Was he wishing to have me on the sidelines? Was he maybe trying to see if it is possible to get laid? I just don't get it... I hope in the future, I will be able to spot his kind more quickly...

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Yea all this after the love bombing and showing himself as the serious man willing to have a family.. and then you just wonder what kind of an unstable person he is? Was he wishing to have me on the sidelines? Was he maybe trying to see if it is possible to get laid? I just don't get it... I hope in the future, I will be able to spot his kind more quickly...

There is another poster on this forum who faced a situation similar to yours: talking to a guy for a few weeks, going on a few dates. Then the conversations started to take on a more sexualized turn and she started wondering about his intentions. Her main worry is that she might get used for sex.

 

Have you seen her thread?

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=564860

 

I referred her to your thread, as it's a good example of how people can be so unpredictable and rotten (even when you think you know them).

 

You were right to listen to the little voice of concern that you had. It's the only weapon you have against his kind. They disguise themselves so well.

 

Obviously, the truth is bewildering and hurtful. But imagine how much worse it would be for you if you had suppressed your concerns and your values!

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There is another poster on this forum who faced a situation similar to yours: talking to a guy for a few weeks, going on a few dates. Then the conversations started to take on a more sexualized turn and she started wondering about his intentions. Her main worry is that she might get used for sex.

 

Have you seen her thread?

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=564860

 

I referred her to your thread, as it's a good example of how people can be so unpredictable and rotten (even when you think you know them).

 

You were right to listen to the little voice of concern that you had. It's the only weapon you have against his kind. They disguise themselves so well.

 

Obviously, the truth is bewildering and hurtful. But imagine how much worse it would be for you if you had suppressed your concerns and your values!

 

Thank you Jibralta, I read her thread and responded to her. She looks like to have the same concerns as me... I hope she will read my thread, it is 'interesting' how my story evolved and how I was thinking merely a few weeks ago that I may have found the one... ugh it really sucks especially when you are in your mid thirties and have always looked for someone serious in life...

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I just want to treat him like an acquaintance, be my normal happy self as I have no feelings for him. I do not resent him either to be honest. That is just how I am. But I was angry and flabbergasted when he revealed to me about the gf after hours and hours of talking and after getting me hooked...

 

I'm sorry he lied to you - but also make sure not to let yourself get "hooked" after only a few dates.

I always wanted marriage from my early 20s. Took me to my late 30s to find the one for me. Who I had dated in the past! We started dating right around my 39th bday. I had to become the right person to find the right person. Part of that was accepting responsibility for my choices.

 

Try not to do so much talking (not sure if this was talking prior to meeting?) - act instead -meet, go on dates (after the virus situation or socially distanced) - get to know in person and not by "talking" IMO.

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