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Hello everyone,

Hope you are all doing fine. This would be my first post on this forum but I have been reading you and skimming through threads for quite a while now:)

 

A little background on me, I am Christian and come from a rather traditional culture with its set of values. So I naturally only get into something physical with men when in an exclusive solid relationship otherwise I am not so inclined to give myself up easily, let's say within a few weeks of seeing a man. Personality-wise, I am a serious woman but at the same time someone who is fun, happy, flirty (when needed) and loves to laugh.

 

I have started seeing a guy for some time now (a few dates, each having lasted for a few hours and have been chatting all the time). So far, I really like his personality and I am attracted to him physically as well. The same applies to him who has said to me first that he is interested in me, finds me pretty and is attracted to me physically as well. We have been flirting a lot and have tried to 'seduce' each other a bit through natural ways.

 

Now, as the title of the thread says, I would like to know what would be the normal time span before starting to kiss and starting to make love? A few months or weeks? I know well that it varies from person to person and would probably depend on the dynamics of the relationship but I would really like to know how you guys proceed. I personally tend to hold off on these things when I am at the early stages of a relationship, however i think we may be going a bit too fast here. What's your take on this issue generally?

 

Thanks in advance,

C.

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Does he share your values and culture? Are you exclusive? Are you a couple? Play it by ear but stick to your feelings. If it's too soon,that's ok.

i think we may be going a bit too fast here.
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I think to be honest it's your own personal choice. I think people's opinions can really vary on this topic. I'm not religious (I'm agnostic), so personally I wouldn't actually wait a few weeks or a few months to get intimate with someone. Maybe I would wait a couple of weeks and have about three dates before I did something intimate. Doesn't necessarily have to be actual sex but probably kissing and fooling around after the third date. I would suggest that you only do anything sexual if you feel completely comfortable and you're sure this guy really likes you. If it's important to you to have a meaningful connection first then yes you may need to wait longer.

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Normal is whatever pace it is that you personally feel comfortable with. It's really that simple. If you feel like things are maybe getting too heated, moving too fast - probably is. Always listen to your gut and trust that inner voice. If it's ringing alarm bells, believe it and heed the warning, don't try to rationalize it away. Especially don't rationalize it away by committee, aka asking strangers what they deem normal. There is no such thing as normal, only what's comfortable for you with this particular person.

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I naturally only get into something physical with men when in an exclusive solid relationship

 

Do you feel you are in 'an exclusive solid relationship' with this guy? Have you talked about being exclusive? If not, then, don't do something you'll regret.

 

The normal time span is different for everyone. Personally, I take my time and it could take up to 4-5 dates or more before I feel comfortable enough to kiss someone and much longer than that to make love with them. My best friend had slept with her now husband on their second date. So, you can't really judge from others' experiences.

 

You do what's right for you and stay true to yourself.

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There's no 'normal' time span for these things. It's just what the majority do or percentages in any group. I can't say that I've had any one rule (in terms of time or how things progressed) for every person I've been with. The only rule was that I enjoyed my company with that person.

 

I feel like you're more worried about how you might come across or what others might think of you if you move too fast. If that's the case, try not to. We all wonder whether we look crazy or sound stupid. Don't worry over those things. If you enjoy each others' company and you get to a point where you feel comfortable with someone, impressing him won't make a difference. Just be yourself.

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If you're not sure, then its probably too soon (for you). A good rule of thumb, for me is, if I think i might regret doing something, then I don't do it.

 

Good decision making comes from a place of trusting yourself and being responsible for all your actions. Doing things and making your own choices because thats what you're comfortable with...

 

Meaning, don't feel pressured, either by him or even your own previous relationships or decisions. We change, evolve, make concessions based on new info...

 

I think in general, if you stay true to yourself, take responsibility for any consequences, then the decision presents itself.

 

If you want to wait, that's cool. If you want to have sex because it feels good and you like this guy, that's cool, too. Just dont compromise your values for someone else. That's where things stop being simple.

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Hello everyone,

Hope you are all doing fine. This would be my first post on this forum but I have been reading you and skimming through threads for quite a while now:)

 

A little background on me, I am Christian and come from a rather traditional culture with its set of values. So I naturally only get into something physical with men when in an exclusive solid relationship otherwise I am not so inclined to give myself up easily, let's say within a few weeks of seeing a man. Personality-wise, I am a serious woman but at the same time someone who is fun, happy, flirty (when needed) and loves to laugh.

 

I have started seeing a guy for some time now (a few dates, each having lasted for a few hours and have been chatting all the time). So far, I really like his personality and I am attracted to him physically as well. The same applies to him who has said to me first that he is interested in me, finds me pretty and is attracted to me physically as well. We have been flirting a lot and have tried to 'seduce' each other a bit through natural ways.

 

Now, as the title of the thread says, I would like to know what would be the normal time span before starting to kiss and starting to make love? A few months or weeks? I know well that it varies from person to person and would probably depend on the dynamics of the relationship but I would really like to know how you guys proceed. I personally tend to hold off on these things when I am at the early stages of a relationship, however i think we may be going a bit too fast here. What's your take on this issue generally?

 

Thanks in advance,

C.

 

For me it was months - I waited -with one exception - till we were in love and there was rather strong potential for marriage. And back then I insisted he get tested and that he hadn't been with anyone for months -so that the test was accurate. If he wanted, I'd get tested too.

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Does he share your values and culture? Are you exclusive? Are you a couple? Play it by ear but stick to your feelings. If it's too soon,that's ok.

 

We are not from the same culture nor the same ethnic background (which is totally fine for me) but we seem to share the same values so far..

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I think to be honest it's your own personal choice. I think people's opinions can really vary on this topic. I'm not religious (I'm agnostic), so personally I wouldn't actually wait a few weeks or a few months to get intimate with someone. Maybe I would wait a couple of weeks and have about three dates before I did something intimate. Doesn't necessarily have to be actual sex but probably kissing and fooling around after the third date. I would suggest that you only do anything sexual if you feel completely comfortable and you're sure this guy really likes you. If it's important to you to have a meaningful connection first then yes you may need to wait longer.

 

Thank you, I think within a few weeks I would like to do the kissing :)

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Normal is whatever pace it is that you personally feel comfortable with. It's really that simple. If you feel like things are maybe getting too heated, moving too fast - probably is. Always listen to your gut and trust that inner voice. If it's ringing alarm bells, believe it and heed the warning, don't try to rationalize it away. Especially don't rationalize it away by committee, aka asking strangers what they deem normal. There is no such thing as normal, only what's comfortable for you with this particular person.

 

Yes I feel that things are getting sexual between us a bit too fast... Both of us have that attraction, I, however, don't wish that to blur my thinking...

 

Btw, as I said I have been reading the forums for a while now and have appreciated some of the advice I have seen you have given to some people here :)

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Do you feel you are in 'an exclusive solid relationship' with this guy? Have you talked about being exclusive? If not, then, don't do something you'll regret.

 

The normal time span is different for everyone. Personally, I take my time and it could take up to 4-5 dates or more before I feel comfortable enough to kiss someone and much longer than that to make love with them. My best friend had slept with her now husband on their second date. So, you can't really judge from others' experiences.

 

You do what's right for you and stay true to yourself.

 

Honestly, I have not talked abut being exclusive with him as I thought it should have been clear to him knowing my boundaries and the fact that I am not after flyings.

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There's no 'normal' time span for these things. It's just what the majority do or percentages in any group. I can't say that I've had any one rule (in terms of time or how things progressed) for every person I've been with. The only rule was that I enjoyed my company with that person.

 

I feel like you're more worried about how you might come across or what others might think of you if you move too fast. If that's the case, try not to. We all wonder whether we look crazy or sound stupid. Don't worry over those things. If you enjoy each others' company and you get to a point where you feel comfortable with someone, impressing him won't make a difference. Just be yourself.

 

Rose, I am worried how I may come across in his eyes if I move fast. I am a sexually attractive woman but I absolutely do not want to allow any man to play with me. But I won't, I am capable of controlling myself and will wait some months before doing anything :)

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Monogamy before sex. Ask for exclusivity before getting too physical so you know how serious he is. As for how long, that's up to you. When it's right, it's right.

 

He seems to be serious so far. He has even started talking about marriage and kids. It is a bit soon for me to talk about such things but i have listened to him and have answered his questions.

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If you're not sure, then its probably too soon (for you). A good rule of thumb, for me is, if I think i might regret doing something, then I don't do it.

 

Good decision making comes from a place of trusting yourself and being responsible for all your actions. Doing things and making your own choices because thats what you're comfortable with...

 

Meaning, don't feel pressured, either by him or even your own previous relationships or decisions. We change, evolve, make concessions based on new info...

 

I think in general, if you stay true to yourself, take responsibility for any consequences, then the decision presents itself.

 

If you want to wait, that's cool. If you want to have sex because it feels good and you like this guy, that's cool, too. Just dont compromise your values for someone else. That's where things stop being simple.

 

Thank you Lambert for the good advice :)

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For me it was months - I waited -with one exception - till we were in love and there was rather strong potential for marriage. And back then I insisted he get tested and that he hadn't been with anyone for months -so that the test was accurate. If he wanted, I'd get tested too.

 

Yea, for me it is months too :)

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Another reason I waited is because no birth control is foolproof and even though I am pro choice I knew I could not abort an "accidental" pregnancy so we both had to be on the same page as that. I made one exception and I regret taking that risk. I did not get pregnant thank goodness.

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Thank you Lambert for the good advice :)
You're welcome.

 

it is a big decision but also not. when things are right, they tend to be easy. Does that mean people won't be jerks and manipulate to get what they want? No. But if a person only wants sex, knows its gonna take several dates, maybe months of time together to get there, they will probably look elsewhere.

 

The only time there is real regret is when we attach expectations of others to our actions. like if I sleep with this person, then it means we are exclusive but they never said or agreed to that.

 

I think for women, sex can make a bond, but not for men. So you gotta be careful with that, pregnancy and STDs.... Its a lot.

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You're welcome.

 

it is a big decision but also not. when things are right, they tend to be easy. Does that mean people won't be jerks and manipulate to get what they want? No. But if a person only wants sex, knows its gonna take several dates, maybe months of time together to get there, they will probably look elsewhere.

 

The only time there is real regret is when we attach expectations of others to our actions. like if I sleep with this person, then it means we are exclusive but they never said or agreed to that.

 

I think for women, sex can make a bond, but not for men. So you gotta be careful with that, pregnancy and STDs.... Its a lot.

 

I think sex can enhance a bond and enhance love. I knew I likely would get attached through sex so I avoided casual sex. I know of and know personally men who get attached through sex. I've always disliked the stereotype of men only wanting sex/being able to have sex without emotions, not getting emotional. It's just not true and at some point offensive to men.

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I think sex can enhance a bond and enhance love. I knew I likely would get attached through sex so I avoided casual sex. I know of and know personally men who get attached through sex. I've always disliked the stereotype of men only wanting sex/being able to have sex without emotions, not getting emotional. It's just not true and at some point offensive to men.
I agree. a generalization on my part
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You're welcome.

 

it is a big decision but also not. when things are right, they tend to be easy. Does that mean people won't be jerks and manipulate to get what they want? No. But if a person only wants sex, knows its gonna take several dates, maybe months of time together to get there, they will probably look elsewhere.

 

The only time there is real regret is when we attach expectations of others to our actions. like if I sleep with this person, then it means we are exclusive but they never said or agreed to that.

 

I think for women, sex can make a bond, but not for men. So you gotta be careful with that, pregnancy and STDs.... Its a lot.

 

I hear you Lambert. This is why I am hesitant to get physical quickly with men as I start to create a strong bond... not in my hands, that is how I am.

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I hear you Lambert. This is why I am hesitant to get physical quickly with men as I start to create a strong bond... not in my hands, that is how I am.
yeah.... then I'd probably wait until you get the opportunity to talk about it.

 

Sounds like you guys have had some good times, some effort is being made on both sides, so a little discussion might be next. Especially, since your sensing it, he probably is, too.

 

Be more willing to listen rather than talk....you know how you feel. What you don't know is how he is about it.

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So after a few dates and after building up so much with me, after being head over heels for me, he just told me yesterday how he is attracted to me, interested in me but has a girlfriend in another city... *sighs* Needless to say, I was not suspecting such a thing as he was acting totally like a single man and I had started to develop feelings for him... He then went on to say that he has 'problems' with her that cannot be resolved and would break up once they see each other... I am just speechless.

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