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I've been seeing this guy for about 9 months now. We started off by hooking up, terming it FWB. Since then, it's been interesting. We hang out often. The sex is great, but it's not just sex. We go out, have dinner at his house, play games, watch TV. We talk about anything and everything. Most nights I go over I sleep there. We exchanged gifts for Christmas, and once when I was really drunk I texted him that I love him, to which he replied I love you too. I don't know if he was just being polite. Thing is, the last weekend I was there, we had sex the first night, but then the second night he said he didn't want to have sex with me. He said... tonight we don't have sex at all. You can go lie down in my bed and sleep over, but no sex. Maybe tomorrow, but I want tonight to be you just staying over. Am I wrong to assume that we are past FWB at this point? I obviously have feelings if I'm saying I love you when I'm drunk, but does he feel the same way?

Edited by Ownworstenem
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He said... tonight we don't have sex at all. You can go lie down in my bed and sleep over, but no sex. Maybe tomorrow, but I want tonight to be you just staying over. Am I wrong to assume that we are past FWB at this point? I obviously have feelings if I'm saying I love you when I'm drunk, but does he feel the same way?

 

There's not really enough information here to answer that, I don't think.

 

You're going to have to open that discussion with him.

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Are you exclusive? It sounds like dating/a relationship, but he still seems to keep you at arms length for his convenience and to your detriment. If he is not volunteering ILY and in other ways making you feel like he cares, you are wasting your time.

 

It sounds like his behavior is confusing to you because you would like to pick out the bf/gf "signs" but question how he really feels. You are still acting like hookups with the occasional sleep over. You can talk or ask, but changing your behavior is the only way to effect change. "What are we" etc is very weak and again puts all the power in his hands.

 

It's up to you to decide what you want and what terms you accept. Why are you letting him call all the shots and treat you like a dog? Sex, no sex, sit, sleep, lie down, roll over, etc?

Most nights I go over I sleep there. the last weekend I was there, we had sex the first night, but then the second night he said he didn't want to have sex with me. You can go lie down in my bed and sleep over, but no sex.
Edited by Wiseman2
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I have always found (more often than not) that "relationships" that start off with sex and FWB, do not work for anything serious, ever.

 

They become more of a type of relationship where two people are using each others bodies for a few quick thrills and that's it. No emotions, no connections, nothing at all like you'd expect in a romantic/love type of relationship.

 

If you want a romantic/love type of relationship, don't advertise yourself as someone to just be used and tossed. And by offering sex straight away..that's what you're doing.

 

You won't be taken seriously as girlfriend material, you'll be seen as the girl whom you ring up for sex and then never have to try or make any kind of efforts for otherwise.

 

If you want to be treated better, then go about it differently. Date properly with actual romance. Hold off on sex until he actually has gotten to know you quite well. Wait till you two have formed a bond/connection and there is an actual foundation there.

 

But if you start off with sex, then don't expect to be treated any differently than how it's gone.

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He actually treats me quite well. He's very considerate, gives me surprises, holds my hand when we walk together... We have a very intimate relationship outside of the bedroom. We tell each other everything, and half the time when we're out together, we finish each other's sentences. I catch him quite frequently just staring at me at the most random times, and whenever we are together, we always have a good time laughing and joking I'm each other's company. At this point, I would say more of our relationship is outside of the bedroom, but the sex is amazing when we are intimate in that way. I almost feel like we both fell into something we didn't plan.

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He actually treats me quite well. He's very considerate, gives me surprises, holds my hand when we walk together... We have a very intimate relationship outside of the bedroom. We tell each other everything, and half the time when we're out together, we finish each other's sentences. I catch him quite frequently just staring at me at the most random times, and whenever we are together, we always have a good time laughing and joking I'm each other's company. At this point, I would say more of our relationship is outside of the bedroom, but the sex is amazing when we are intimate in that way. I almost feel like we both fell into something we didn't plan.
Usually, when we're scared to ask, its because we either don't think we will get the response we want or we know the answer is not the response we want.

 

If all you say above, is true, why aren't you asking him? why do you feel so insecure? There must be something else. Is it within you?

 

You can't be telling each other everything, if you aren't telling him your feelings.

 

I would pick a time when you're happily hanging out and ask him if u can talk to him about something. Then just tell him, over the time together, the dinners, sleep overs etc you have feelings for him and you want him to know this is no longer fwb for you.

 

he may say, i know... you texted me you love me and i said i love you too. And then you can just smile and say ok good. just wanted to be clear [emoji8]

 

to make the transition, you have to be willing to be vulnerable.... let your guard down... you may get hurt but that's life. you don't want fwb. you don't want fake... you want real. you deserve real.

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He actually treats me quite well. He's very considerate, gives me surprises, holds my hand when we walk together... We have a very intimate relationship outside of the bedroom. We tell each other everything, and half the time when we're out together, we finish each other's sentences. I catch him quite frequently just staring at me at the most random times, and whenever we are together, we always have a good time laughing and joking I'm each other's company. At this point, I would say more of our relationship is outside of the bedroom, but the sex is amazing when we are intimate in that way. I almost feel like we both fell into something we didn't plan.

 

Except you're still not a girlfriend and he can dismiss you at anytime, like he already has.

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We tell each other everything

 

So why haven't you discussed where you both stand in each other's lives? Did he tell you if he's seeing other people at the same time? Is he even looking for a relationship? What are plans for future?

 

All the other things sound sweet and fun but without the explicit commitment to an exclusive relationship they don't necessarily mean anything.

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He said... tonight we don't have sex at all. You can go lie down in my bed and sleep over, but no sex. Maybe tomorrow, but I want tonight to be you just staying over.

 

This here...that's a man talking to you more like a hooker. That's not even respectful.

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You're interpreting his actions in your own way, which could be totally different than how he interprets things. Relationships are not just about actions. The communication has to weigh in just as strongly as well, which is missing here. FWBs are always meant to be temporary, as it's hard for 2 people to match exactly what rules or lack of rules each is happy with.

 

If you had a healthy self esteem, your mindset would be: I'm going to tell him what I want and if he doesn't feel the same, I need to go no contact so I can seek what I really want--a bf who wants to be exclusive with me.

 

Instead, you're a meek bystander, hoping for the best, yet too fearful to ask if he can possibly love little old you. From what you've written, I'm guessing you're the one suggesting getting together with him and overstaying your welcome by spending days over there without going home. I hope you're the type who also lets the other person make an equal effort to gauge their interest. Otherwise, you will be seen as clingy without a fulfilling life of your own.

 

Ask the needed questions so you can move on if he still sees you as a FWB. And don't stay friends. You will fail to get a new bf if he finds out you're still buddies with an ex FWB.

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I'm not sure if the message is lost in translation here as you're typing about it. Am I mistaken? Were those his actual words to you? If so I'm in agreement with Sherry - very offputting. He shouldn't be speaking to you that way unless this is some sub/dom dynamic. Paired with the oddity of the request it seems strange.

 

I wouldn't spend as many nights over and change it up a little. Maybe go over for dinner or invite him over for dinner but don't stay for the night. If I were to give him the benefit of the doubt, I'd say he may be overwhelmed with you or you may be overstaying your welcome.

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The message may be lost in translation. I felt as if by him not wanting to have sex that he was trying to say he doesn't just want me for sex. It's difficult to convey all of our conversations over this forum. There is so much content to cover. What I can tell you though is that day he neglected his obligations in order to spend the day with me. We drove around on his motorcycle for hours, stopped at at nature trail and walked around talking and enjoying nature, joined some of my family for a picnic there, then went back to his house where he ordered us dinner, and then we sat, talked and listened to music. He said he didn't want to end the evening with sex, but rather just be in my company. I felt like he was going out of his way to show me that he saw me more than just a sexual object. I think in his mind he feels like I may think I owe him sex every time we're together, and he was letting me know that he appreciates our time together without it.

 

As I was leaving the next morning, he said... If today is a nice day we should take another ride. So, with remarks like that, I don't feel like I'm over staying my welcome. Honestly, I feel nothing but welcomed in his presence. I just have a lot of self doubt from being hurt in a past relationship

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The message may be lost in translation. I felt as if by him not wanting to have sex that he was trying to say he doesn't just want me for sex. It's difficult to convey all of our conversations over this forum. There is so much content to cover. What I can tell you though is that day he neglected his obligations in order to spend the day with me. We drove around on his motorcycle for hours, stopped at at nature trail and walked around talking and enjoying nature, joined some of my family for a picnic there, then went back to his house where he ordered us dinner, and then we sat, talked and listened to music. He said he didn't want to end the evening with sex, but rather just be in my company. I felt like he was going out of his way to show me that he saw me more than just a sexual object. I think in his mind he feels like I may think I owe him sex every time we're together, and he was letting me know that he appreciates our time together without it.

 

As I was leaving the next morning, he said... If today is a nice day we should take another ride. So, with remarks like that, I don't feel like I'm over staying my welcome. Honestly, I feel nothing but welcomed in his presence. I just have a lot of self doubt from being hurt in a past relationship

 

Thanks for responding with more thoughts. I agree with you - you could be overthinking this. Enjoy each others' company. I personally wouldn't question someone if they love me unless it was tongue in cheek or a joke. And this isn't a tongue in cheek or joke-y situation.

 

Maybe your love language is verbal and his is through actions. Is it enough for you to see his care for you through his actions and the way he treats you or do you need to hear it verbally?

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Why would either of you think you "owe him sex"? Try to be an equal in a relationship rather than putting him on this pedastal.

I think in his mind he feels like I may think I owe him sex every time we're together.
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I agree that my self esteem isn't the healthiest. I think the idea of facing the consequences and telling him what I am feeling is excellent advice... Hopefully I can summon the courage, but what do I say.

 

However, I am not the one always suggesting we get together, and there are many nights I don't stay over. In the beginning, I slept over regularly, but then I backed off when I started to develop feelings. He would invite me to stay, but I would reply that I would rather go home. That night was the first time in a while that he even suggested it again, as he eventually stopped asking because he probably assumed I would say no. And as far as clingy? When we're together, we both are very in the moment. However, I also keep myself occupied doing other things as well, not to mention, I don't always make myself available when he asks for my company. Also, I've made known to him that I do talk to other men seeing how we aren't in a committed relationship. In some ways, I wonder if I don't have him wondering if he'd be rejected by me. I don't want him to think he owns me when we haven't fully committed, and in some ways I'm afraid to be vulnerable and take away the power. I have walls in place so I don't get hurt. I guess I'm just wondering if it's time to start tearing down those walls if I want a real relationship with him. A huge part of me thinks he really does care about me and may be receptive, but if he's not then I just threw all my cards out on the table, and that's something I can't take back... Then everything we have may crumble. Worst part about that is he is one of my absolute best friends, and I know he would say the same. That is something I don't want to lose... I'm not just falling in love with some random guy. This is a person that I share my most intimate thoughts with. I love him on more than one level.

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Is he seeing others? This a huge mistake if you want to move forward and turn this into more than fwb.

I've made known to him that I do talk to other men seeing how we aren't in a committed relationship.
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Yes, I am. I am afraid I will ruin what we have.
Well here's the thing... if telling him what you want ruins what you have, then you didnt have it to begin with. You know?

 

Its better to know

 

i think its very common for fwb relationships to end bc one person gets feelings and the other person doesn't.

 

Which makes complete sense... sex is not something to do with a friend.... its initimate, emotional and sharing a part of ourselves that is so private.... special.

 

how are you supposed to keep that separate? And why should you want to?

 

Tell him and find out what he is thinking. It may hurt like hell. It may be as you said, his actions do mean more. Only he knows. It will kill you if he meets someone else and says, you knew I just wanted FWB. At least you'll know and you can deal with it head on.

 

And take this as the lesson it is- don't play with fire. If you're not the type have FWB relationships, don't get into them.

 

If its just a matter of being horny, then keep it just sex and no other activities or have safe sex with one night stands.

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Lambert, I totally get what you are saying. It scares me like hell, and I do think about the possibility of him moving on. That hurts. I know I have to put my feelings out there. Part of me feels like maybe I should stay away for a while to evaluate how I feel, and let him do the same, and then maybe go back into it saying that if we continue it can't be as FWB, if that's still what I want.

 

I see some people mentioning that I may be reading into things, and I might. However, he has the birthday card I made for him hanging on his fridge. I drew him something for New year's too and he has that saved as well. He surprises me with flowers at my doorstep. Those are the actions that make me fall in love with him. He always seems so eager to be there when I need him. Why the hell am I so scared?

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Well here's the thing... if telling him what you want ruins what you have, then you didnt have it to begin with. You know?

 

That's what I was thinking. It's really shaky if you can't actually talk to him and ask him to be an actual boyfriend, or that it's going to possibly ruin things.

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