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So I have been with my girlfriend for over 4 years now. We live together in my flat which I purchased when we first met. My mum has come in to difficulties with work so I am going to buy her flat from her to save her moving out and take over the mortgage. I was also talking to my mum about how we are looking at buying a larger house together and eventually get married. Due to this mention of marriage my mum asked me to get a prenup signed to protect her property as this is her security and home. She is also divorced 14 years ago after a 16 year marriage so she knows first hand things change. I mentioned this to my girlfriend as I knew it wouldn't be a problem and she doesn't care about money (which I don't have much of anyway). She is upset now and saying I should never have mentioned this to her. I'm worried this will break us up. Have I messed up? I don't belive so. Also is there a way to fix this? She believes I should have brought this up before the wedding. I'm not the most romantic and we don't talk about getting married or having children, however when looking for a large family home we discuss schools ect so I just assume that's the way we were heading.

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Your mother is being pragmatic regarding her secured, financial survival. I don't blame her. I would be the same way as I'm a mother, too.

 

Either have your girlfriend cooperate with the prenup or don't get married.

 

It doesn't matter when to broach the subject. What matters is your girlfriend's reaction. Since she doesn't care about money, then she shouldn't have any qualms signing the dotted line on the prenup. She needs to prove that her words match her actions.

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Thanks so far for the replies. We are probs years away from marriage (2 or 3 I recon) so it wouldn't be a case of signing on the dotted line any time soon. I believed bringing it up straight after my mum asked me about it wasn't a bad thing to do considering I'll be buying her property in the next 2 months. If it was the other way around I wouldn't bat an eye lid. Worried about our relationship now with her reaction but I don't know how to make it better.

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There is what your gf claims....and then there is reality. Prenups are normal and quite common. You should NEVER marry a person with who you cannot have these kinds of serious financial discussions and agreements. Marriage is not about romance, it's about being able to see eye to eye on serious, practical, pragmatic matters, being able to discuss serious things and being able to come to mutual agreement, aka seeing eye to eye on things. Without that, you should not be getting married.

 

Looking at buying a bigger house and just kind of thinking that your relationship is fine but never talking about things like what you both think marriage looks like, finances, children, how to raise them, jobs, etc - you two are not ready for marriage at all.

 

Bottom line is that you didn't do anything wrong, but you should be taking really good look at how your gf is reacting. Hint: it's not good.

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I would not buy mom's flat. If she cannot afford it, help her move into a cheaper one that she can afford or she takes in a roommate. If you bought your mom's place, is it even a good investment (buying it for under market) and would you continue to pay the mortgage for mom to live there for the rest of her life? If you will be a married man at some point, its not fair to have two mortgages to house your mom with no chance of ever selling. Where does it end? Are you going to be responsible for mom's bills also?

 

I do think your mother wants a prenup to get some agreement that she will never have to move or you will never sell. Therefore instead of a prenup, i would put the flat in a revokable trust instead.

 

I think the only reason you are considering a prenup is because of mom and that looks VERY bad to your girlfriend if mom is pulling the strings and "marking" her territory. And i would be on your girlfriend's side in this case. Put the flat in a trust for the benefit of your mom and you or flat out do NOT buy your mom a flat. It is a losing investment to take on. Unless mom is 98 years old, you may be saddled with this for decades.

 

If you do marry and your girlfriend has lived with you almost the whole time you had the flat, it will be your marital home. That would be cruel to make her sign a prenup that she is out on the street.

 

Sorry, this is not a red flag against the girlfriend to me. This is mommy marking her territory

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But isn't the idea of a prenup to protect mom's interests? It can be limited to just that.

 

Then it does NOT to have to be a prenup. The flat can be put into a trust for the benefit of mom. Or at least in my state, two people who are not married can co own a property together. they can both jointly own it with right of survivorship or do what they want - if mom dies, it goes to him, (or normally split between him and mom's other heirs but in this case he paying the mortgage...). If he dies and mom outlives him, it goes to mom, or goes to mom and wife if that is how he sets it up.

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Hi abitbroken. We are in the UK (unsure about everyone else here) this allows me to protect my inheritance. I will be able to rent the flat back to her and she will be able to claim housing benefits to pay this. (on the subject of benefits she has worked her whole life and paid tax, she has now taken unwell and is unable to work and she did not qualify for medical retirement. Now she has lost her job with cutbacks during this covid 19 crisis). So essentially the government will be paying her mortgage. Either way I am here for relationship, not financial advice. I have not asked or mentioned anything regarding what would be the arrangement on our marital home as you put it, purely the outcome of my mums flat.

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I wonder why people go property ownership together, without being married.

 

Honestly, what's the motivation to own something, long term, like a 15 or 30 year mortgage with someone but not be married?

 

I can see living together to see how things get on. Living together can be ended much easier than getting a divorce or selling a house.

 

I would think about this reaction your gf had... why wouldn't she understand your mother's need for security? I can't imagine, why she reacted this way, unless she doesn't want to get married and the house and kids are just talk.

 

I think talking about a pre-nup at any time is fine. Its just you sharing what you think and plan for your life. I think this girl is either not what you think or your relationship isn't.

 

Have you been looking at places? Why do you think you need to fix anything? you're right to protect your mother.

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@seraphim - even if it was for the mothers property that the son was taking over? She just wants to confirm that if we were to get married and then divorce she would not have any worry regarding loosing the roof over her head. Or that I loose half my inheritance that she's worked all her life for. Right now neither of us think my girlfriend is capable of this and also I wouldn't be looking at buying a house with someone I don't expect to be with for the rest of my life. However as mentioned my mum was divorced after 16 years of marriage and 21 years of being together in total so she does have trust issues regardless and knows that "sh1t happens".

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HI @LAMBERT yes we actually went out yesterday to look at a few places and decided on an area to move to :) we hadn't really discussed marriage or kids but when talking about the area to move to we were both referring to good schools for the kids.... I assumed we were on the same page. Otherwise there would be no point in looking at houses.

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Hi abitbroken. We are in the UK (unsure about everyone else here) this allows me to protect my inheritance. I will be able to rent the flat back to her and she will be able to claim housing benefits to pay this. (on the subject of benefits she has worked her whole life and paid tax, she has now taken unwell and is unable to work and she did not qualify for medical retirement. Now she has lost her job with cutbacks during this covid 19 crisis). So essentially the government will be paying her mortgage. Either way I am here for relationship, not financial advice. I have not asked or mentioned anything regarding what would be the arrangement on our marital home as you put it, purely the outcome of my mums flat.

 

I mentioned your own flat because you were talking about a prenup to protect your assets. If you are not worried about your own flat, why do you need a prenup? you don't have a child you need to protect to make sure they get an inheritance from you?

If you classify your mom's flat as a rental business and get a tax id number, etc, OR place it in a trust, it would be separate from your assets.

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Seraphim, I suppose everyone is different. The fact this is for the mothers security and not mine doesn't mean planning for failure. Regarding prenuptial in general for marital homes..... Even then everyone knows that alot of relationships don't last forever even if they feel like they will at the time. So instead of planning for failure it's more agreeing what happens if things don't go to plan to make life better for everyone including future kids and your own well being.

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Seraphim, I suppose everyone is different. The fact this is for the mothers security and not mine doesn't mean planning for failure. Regarding prenuptial in general for marital homes..... Even then everyone knows that alot of relationships don't last forever even if they feel like they will at the time. So instead of planning for failure it's more agreeing what happens if things don't go to plan to make life better for everyone including future kids and your own well being.

See, I see that as planning for failure and how people protect THEMSELVES, not creat a UNION.

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@seraphim - even if it was for the mothers property that the son was taking over? She just wants to confirm that if we were to get married and then divorce she would not have any worry regarding loosing the roof over her head. Or that I loose half my inheritance that she's worked all her life for. Right now neither of us think my girlfriend is capable of this and also I wouldn't be looking at buying a house with someone I don't expect to be with for the rest of my life. However as mentioned my mum was divorced after 16 years of marriage and 21 years of being together in total so she does have trust issues regardless and knows that "sh1t happens".

 

 

wait a minute - if this woman has "inheritance" saved up for you, she needs to be using this money now to live and survive. I want my parents to live comfortably - have enough food, have a safe home, get to go travel to visit their siblings, etc, while they are alive and if they were sitting on my "inheritance" while they were out of work and not able to afford their mortgage, i would want them to use that money to stay in their home. So, you want to help mom sponge off the government so the money she saved for you is preserved? that is very wrong. Make your own money, have mom pay her own mortgage or find one that is more economical - that way you won't have anything to worry about on a prenup. When mom dies, you sell her flat to pay for her funeral, any final bills or back medical bills and what is left you split with your siblings if any and then use to help out *your* family - wife, future kids.

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Yes, but we aren't doing it that way, I am not a property tycoon and with it being a single lease to my mum it's alot easier to do the following way and get an agreement that when we marry, if we were to divorce this property has nothing to do with her what so ever. As far as I'm aware she would be able to go after half of everything the way the UK law is set for divorces. If I was the parent I would be wanting the same peace of mind....

I would like to add neither of us think she would do this.

 

Also this was a quick comment, saying my mum had requested this if we were to get married. Nothing serous

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Abitbroken. The inheritance is the flat. No savings or we wouldn't have this issue. The property is worth quarter of a mil so it's worth while doing this to save it. It's for 3 years until her pensions start and she can support her self again and at that point the mortgage would be gone.

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Abitbroken. The inheritance is the flat. No savings or we wouldn't have this issue. The property is worth quarter of a mil so it's worth while doing this to save it. It's for 3 years until her pensions start and she can support her self again and at that point the mortgage would be gone.

 

Then if the mortgage is done in three years, why not just pay part of mom's mortgage for three years as a favor? No mess that way. Or help mom refinance the mortgage -- Let's say the mortgage is $1500 per month - refinance it for more years at a monthly rate she can afford and put money on the principle when you can. You are making a mountain out of a molehill if mom only needs help for 3 years.

 

if its worth that much money, maybe mom should sell it, buy a cheaper place and use the proceeds to live off of.

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HI @LAMBERT yes we actually went out yesterday to look at a few places and decided on an area to move to :) we hadn't really discussed marriage or kids but when talking about the area to move to we were both referring to good schools for the kids.... I assumed we were on the same page. Otherwise there would be no point in looking at houses.
Why would you a buy a place together but not discuss marriage?
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Talk to an attorney and discuss trusts and much better ways of protecting your assets. For example pre nups are useless in the event of your death. Had you talked to the proper attorney about wills trusts and asset protection from divorce the prenuptial conversation would never have happened.

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I think it's only right for you protect your mothers interests which ultimately will become yours. Who knows what might happen in the future regarding your relationship! Money turns people's heads and hearts. I've experienced it from all sides. These people that say you shouldn't be considering going in to relationships thinking about what happens to your assets when it goes wrong have clearly never been through the financial ruin of a divorce separation. Take it from an old hand and do what needs to be done to protect your mothers flat. Its prudent & wise to do so.

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