Dumped during lockdown

[Annie1055]

Hi,

I was with my Ex Boyfriend just short of 12 months! In that time he spoke of marriage and never failed to tell me he loved me loads and missed me when we weren’t together !

He was the first guy to truly make me feel valued and loved!

I suffer from shyness and always struggled mixing in large groups and when he and I got together, I felt quite shy around his family which is very large although I worked hard to get over my shyness and be very friendly ! I did sense however, that certain louder members of his family hadn’t quite taken to me which may or may not have had a baring on the ending of our relationship!

 

My ex boyfriend suffers with depression and during His personal difficulties with bullying at work, possible job loss etc, I stood by him and emotionally supported him !

 

During lockdown, we isolated separately and we missed each other. He text me every morning, a couple of checking in texts during the day and then Skype or WhatsApp call in the evening before bed !

 

Around Middle of April , I found out the care home my mum Is in , who is currently in a care home due to late stage Alzheimer’s, Had had cases of coronavirus. This terrified me but apart from telling me ex briefly about it on the day I heard, I didn’t mention it again as with his history of depression, I didn’t want to get him down.

 

At the end of April , I heard that there might be a easing of lockdown and a possibility that people might be able to meet a person outside their home, with social distancing in place ! Excitedly I told him this and straight away he lost it with me saying he was not going to be meeting up as this was a government ploy for herd immunity etc ( he meets two of his friends every Saturday in the garden for drinks though) !

 

I backed down and let it go but later he rang me around midnight and clearly had been drinking a lot and was drunk ! He’s not supposed to drink at all with his anti depressants and was going on about “ good looking women online “ !

It gave me the impression he’d been on dating sites but I didn’t say anything at the time ! Over the next three days , he barely spoke to me but when he did , it was to say he was feeling depressed, it was nothing to do with me and he was avoiding talking with anyone and would be back to his old self in a day or two! At the end of the three days, he text me to say he was breaking up with me as I was “stressed” and it had caused his to “spiral downwards” , he was sorry to do it via text but he didn’t have it in him to call as it would get him depressed again!

A few text was then exchanged between us where he said he would “ text me when he was ready to talk” which I said it was pointless to rake over the past, and later text he said “it would be nice to text from time to time to see how each other is getting on” which I again refused as I wasn’t willing to down grade from girlfriend to text buddy!

A few days later and out of curiosity after his comment whilst drunk about online women, I signed up to a well own dating site to see if he was there and he was! Touting for women , how he knew how to treat a woman and looking anything but depressed!

I didn’t contact him but a day later he blocked me on WhatsApp and his phone !

It’s left me confused as to what’s happened, why it’s happened and so angry about being messed about ! I’ve not spoke to him since may 3rd !

[Hollyj]

I'm sorry to hear this.

 

A relationship should not be about walking on eggshells. it sounds one-sided. The fact that you were not able to share valid concerns about mom, as you were worried about him, is not good. He also sounds like a complete jerk, letting you know that he was going online and commenting about other women. You should have been done! He sounds like a jerk!

 

I think that this situation is a blessing, as it shows how he is incapable of dealing with conflict, and HIS needs always come first. This is not a healthy.

 

In the future, find a partner who t is able to share, and is in a better mental state.

 

I hope that you have blocked and deleted him? I also suggest you stop stalking him. He is not worth it! You also need to address why you have tolerated this type of treatment, as the relationship sounds bad!

[Rose Mosse]

I agree with Holly. It sounds messy and confusing and I'm very sorry you're in pain. Some people can't handle others' emotions or get overwhelmed. It's possible he may have felt overwhelmed by you or had other issues he was dealing with. Hopefully he has a handle on his depression and avoids drinking but that's not your problem anymore. I'd refuse to make it your problem and walk away. You're not his caregiver although I know you probably care about him deeply.

 

Just draw the line right now and take a step back. If he blocked you, he blocked you. Don't take it too personally. Talk to someone else (friend or family member) or start creating new routines and hobbies for yourself post-break up. You don't have to go into details and unload on your friends and family about the break up but you can still keep in touch and have conversations about other things. Look forward to new things and don't be afraid to let go and take care of yourself.

[smackie9]

Girl he was riding that high in the beginning, then being locked up made him go down a dark hole. You can't and shouldn't do anything about it. He is not well. You dodged a bullet. I tell you this, depression is a dicey troubling thing when they don't manage it properly. They can become alcoholics/drug dependent, and leaving you in an abusive situation. He is a hot unstable mess. This is on him to figure out. Trying to fix or help only enables the behavior to do nothing about it on their own. He needs to face the consequences. Now what you need to do is stop seeing what he is up to. Block/delete him from your life.

 

Tip: at the beginning of an intense relationship like yours, there will be love bombing, talk of marriage and kids etc. That is all talk, and not to be taken as promises. It's called the honeymoon stage...the stage of infatuation. You have to give it a year to a year and a half to see what your really have. Well you saw what you have after a year.

[boltnrun]

I hope your mother is doing ok and stays well.

 

You've been coddling him way too much. Not talking about your concerns for your mother because it might upset him?

 

You won't be able to see it right away, but you are better off without him causing more stress and concern for you.

[Andrina]

So you've gotten to know the real him during this stressful time of social distancing. That's one of the reasons you never make major decisions with a partner until seeing them longterm and in stressful situations. Usually people show you their best selves at the beginning, but reality reveals itself at a later date. You see that he's no prize. Gets drunk and talks to you about other women. After a year together, doesn't even have the decency to have a phone discussion with you about breaking up. He could've even asked you to come outside and spoken to you from his car window. He doesn't treat himself for his depression, and people who don't, don't make good partners.

 

Block him on everything so you can have closure and heal. He doesn't deserve anymore space in your brain, although you're not a robot and it will take you time to get over him. With time and distance, you will gradually feel better and know he did you a favor by breaking up, freeing you to be with someone decent. Take care.

[Annie1055]

Hi and thank you both for your input!

Holly just to clear up any misunderstanding, I’ve not stalked him and apart from replying to two text messages on the first day of our breakup, I’ve not reached out or spoke to him since which Is why I’m so confused why he chose to block me since I wasn’t contacting him and, despite the first few days being rough, realised by day three that I actually didn’t want him back, just wanted to understand what happened and how as it totally blindsided me as I didn’t see it coming !

I only checked to see if he was on a online dating app because of what he said before breaking up with me, it was more For seeking answers and settling my curiosity! I didn’t contact him on there or anywhere else at any stage , despite him saying he would like to stay in touch ! That’s why it was so like a slap in the face to find myself blocked , after all I usually hear people block people when they behave like crazy ex’s , stalking, nagging, constant messaging and begging ! Ive done none of this nor wanted to, I just wanted to know why it happened , not because I want the guy back as he’s lost my trust for ever now !

[Rose Mosse]

Hi and thank you both for your input!

Holly just to clear up any misunderstanding, I’ve not stalked him and apart from replying to two text messages on the first day of our breakup, I’ve not reached out or spoke to him since which Is why I’m so confused why he chose to block me since I wasn’t contacting him and, despite the first few days being rough, realised by day three that I actually didn’t want him back, just wanted to understand what happened and how as it totally blindsided me as I didn’t see it coming !

I only checked to see if he was on a online dating app because of what he said before breaking up with me, it was more For seeking answers and settling my curiosity! I didn’t contact him on there or anywhere else at any stage , despite him saying he would like to stay in touch ! That’s why it was so like a slap in the face to find myself blocked , after all I usually hear people block people when they behave like crazy ex’s , stalking, nagging, constant messaging and begging ! Ive done none of this nor wanted to, I just wanted to know why it happened , not because I want the guy back as he’s lost my trust for ever now !

 

Yeah... all kinds out there.

 

Don't internalize it. It'll bug you for awhile but don't let this get the better of you. You cared for him - let your heart heal and then let go. Remember that often the reactions of others are a reflection of them, not you. I wouldn't overanalyze what he did as he seems to have issues with depression or other personal ongoings.

[Annie1055]

Thank you all for taking the time to read and comment on my story!

Although I feel strong enough to not want to contact him again, I was left with feeling so bad about myself and maybe even believing him about it being my fault , like maybe I should have tried harder not to speak about mum even the first time , or show disappointment about not spending time together when isolation eases! But your comments have helped me realise that these feelings and needs are NORMAL and I didn’t do anything wrong by expressing them !

😊😊😊 thank you x

[blitzkrieged]

Hi,

I was with my Ex Boyfriend just short of 12 months! In that time he spoke of marriage and never failed to tell me he loved me loads and missed me when we weren’t together !

He was the first guy to truly make me feel valued and loved!

I suffer from shyness and always struggled mixing in large groups and when he and I got together, I felt quite shy around his family which is very large although I worked hard to get over my shyness and be very friendly ! I did sense however, that certain louder members of his family hadn’t quite taken to me which may or may not have had a baring on the ending of our relationship!

 

My ex boyfriend suffers with depression and during His personal difficulties with bullying at work, possible job loss etc, I stood by him and emotionally supported him !

 

During lockdown, we isolated separately and we missed each other. He text me every morning, a couple of checking in texts during the day and then Skype or WhatsApp call in the evening before bed !

 

Around Middle of April , I found out the care home my mum Is in , who is currently in a care home due to late stage Alzheimer’s, Had had cases of coronavirus. This terrified me but apart from telling me ex briefly about it on the day I heard, I didn’t mention it again as with his history of depression, I didn’t want to get him down.

 

At the end of April , I heard that there might be a easing of lockdown and a possibility that people might be able to meet a person outside their home, with social distancing in place ! Excitedly I told him this and straight away he lost it with me saying he was not going to be meeting up as this was a government ploy for herd immunity etc ( he meets two of his friends every Saturday in the garden for drinks though) !

 

I backed down and let it go but later he rang me around midnight and clearly had been drinking a lot and was drunk ! He’s not supposed to drink at all with his anti depressants and was going on about “ good looking women online “ !

It gave me the impression he’d been on dating sites but I didn’t say anything at the time ! Over the next three days , he barely spoke to me but when he did , it was to say he was feeling depressed, it was nothing to do with me and he was avoiding talking with anyone and would be back to his old self in a day or two! At the end of the three days, he text me to say he was breaking up with me as I was “stressed” and it had caused his to “spiral downwards” , he was sorry to do it via text but he didn’t have it in him to call as it would get him depressed again!

A few text was then exchanged between us where he said he would “ text me when he was ready to talk” which I said it was pointless to rake over the past, and later text he said “it would be nice to text from time to time to see how each other is getting on” which I again refused as I wasn’t willing to down grade from girlfriend to text buddy!

A few days later and out of curiosity after his comment whilst drunk about online women, I signed up to a well own dating site to see if he was there and he was! Touting for women , how he knew how to treat a woman and looking anything but depressed!

I didn’t contact him but a day later he blocked me on WhatsApp and his phone !

It’s left me confused as to what’s happened, why it’s happened and so angry about being messed about ! I’ve not spoke to him since may 3rd !

 

Harsh truth here: He didn't love you, and he didn't even want you. You were just filling time and boredom until he found the type of girl he really wanted, and it looks like he didn't even have it in him to wait for that next woman. He didn't have to do much to keep that comfort from you on hand though, did he? Men will almost never turn down free emotional support or sexual services from a woman. Get that in your mind and realize it means nothing if a man accepts these things from you. Its basically like taking the free sample at Costco, but what you really want is that steak dinner when you're done shopping, of course.

 

 

Luckily you hold way more power than I think you realize. What nobody will ever tell you on these types of forums is, you have to look and act like the type of women men want to reach your full potential in dating/relationships. Im so sorry to inform you but after years of dating, Ive realized men put way less importance on looks in polite conversation (and to women's faces), than they will admit in private with the boys. Thats because women don't handle it well at all, and Instead of exploring the plethora of tools to improve, they want to stay mediocre be loved "as they are". But it just doesn't work that way. Hence the comment about good looking women online.

 

But look, if a man can transform into a striking drag qween, theres no excuse for any woman. Find out what guys like (its not hard) and level up your look. You will feel better, attract better men (simply because you attract a lot more of them) and the sheer number of options will have you wondering why you ever though such low effort behavior like texting meant anything much in the first place.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It's not about you. You tried to sincerely whether this corona thing and navigate it with the normal concerns and measures. He is simply not relationship material and under pressure he decompensates seriously with drinking, lying, cheating, conspiracy theories, etc. In fact it sounds like you dodged a bullet.

I was left with feeling so bad about myself and maybe even believing him about it being my fault , like maybe I should have tried harder not to speak about mum even the first time , or show disappointment about not spending time together when isolation eases! But your comments have helped me realise that these feelings and needs are NORMAL and I didn’t do anything wrong by expressing them !

😊😊😊 thank you x

[Annie1055]

Thanks for everyone’s response. Hoping to let this thread die now as I overlooked the bit it terms and conditions that say free users can’t delete posts and think I’ve put way to much sensitive info that I wouldn’t have put if I didn’t think it was deletable !

Totally my fault for missing it as most forums allow for sensible topics to be deleted so I’m hoping this thread now dies and gets lost amongst all the others !

Thanks for your comments

[Hollyj]

Hi and thank you both for your input!

Holly just to clear up any misunderstanding, I’ve not stalked him and apart from replying to two text messages on the first day of our breakup, I’ve not reached out or spoke to him since which Is why I’m so confused why he chose to block me since I wasn’t contacting him and, despite the first few days being rough, realised by day three that I actually didn’t want him back, just wanted to understand what happened and how as it totally blindsided me as I didn’t see it coming !

I only checked to see if he was on a online dating app because of what he said before breaking up with me, it was more For seeking answers and settling my curiosity! I didn’t contact him on there or anywhere else at any stage , despite him saying he would like to stay in touch ! That’s why it was so like a slap in the face to find myself blocked , after all I usually hear people block people when they behave like crazy ex’s , stalking, nagging, constant messaging and begging ! Ive done none of this nor wanted to, I just wanted to know why it happened , not because I want the guy back as he’s lost my trust for ever now !

 

Annie, I made that comment, as you went on the website. I probably would have done the same. I misunderstood, I thought you were continuing to follow him on there. Sorry.

 

Terrible he ended things by text.

 

Next time, do not look for a man that is a project, but one who can support you and give as much as you are.

[Annie1055]

Hi Holly,

It’s fine , I just wanted answers really , that’s all I went on there for and deleted myself straight away !

Glad he’s gone and it’s over , just wanted some confirmation that it wasn’t me !

[annie24]

Honestly, he sounds like a jerk and you're better off without him. I am so sorry that he's acting like this. I think that the lockdown has in an interesting way shown what people are all about.

 

Hugs, hang in there.

[poorlittlefish]

A few days later and out of curiosity after his comment whilst drunk about online women, I signed up to a well own dating site to see if he was there and he was! Touting for women , how he knew how to treat a woman and looking anything but depressed!

I didn’t contact him but a day later he blocked me on WhatsApp and his phone !

 

I imagine that while he was trawling for other women he spotted your profile and was angry that you were playing him at his own game! Good riddance to him - you can do without someone like that in your life.

[Tinydance]

One thing that I think shows what kind of person he is (plus other things) is that after a year together, he basically just ghosted you. He didn't have the guts to call/ video call and just sent a very vague text. He supposedly dumped you because you're too stressed and it brings him down? It sounds like you literally did nothing wrong and he just made up some b.s. excuse so he could put the blame on you! Does he think after a year relationship you deserve zero explanation! Just briefly texted you, straight away went on online dating, then blocked you on everything. Total coward!