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How long should it take to get over someone


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I've posted in this forum before and it helped alot. I've not been on here in a few months, I was in a relationship for 6 years which ended out the blue. 7 months on I am so much more positive and just trying to keep looking forward but I have found myself recently getting upset over the breakup and just wanted to see how long it took others to get over a long term relationship. I feel because it has been 7 months now I should be over it but it was a long time to be with someone.

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Sorry to hear this. Even though you dodged a bullet, it takes time to retool and wind down from 6 yrs. Healing is a two-step sometimes two steps forward one step back. Take care of yourself and remember, even without recent breakups, times are tough and it's harder with all this corona stuff going on. One foot in front of the other.

7 months on I am so much more positive and just trying to keep looking forward but I have found myself recently getting upset over the breakup and just wanted to see how long it took others to get over a long term relationship.
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Sorry to hear this. Even though you dodged a bullet, it takes time to retool and wind down from 6 yrs. Healing is a two-step sometimes two steps forward one step back. Take care of yourself and remember, even without recent breakups, times are tough and it's harder with all this corona stuff going on. One foot in front of the other.

 

Thank you wiseman, yeah I mean I'm in a totally different mind set now but it still does hurt from time to time and I'm still continuing to focus on myself and keep up the fitness etc but your right I think with the lockdown it does give your mind more time to think. And I'm definitely not ready to start dating or anything I think the sensible thing is to focus on myself and be happy in myself again and when I feel the time is right then I'll know

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7 months in my opinion is still very early and by what you've said you've come a long way. After my loveless marriage broke up I met someone and fell head over heels in love with her. We were only together a couple of months, it took me best part of 5 years to get over her. There are no rules where matters of the heart are concerned. All credit to you and your bound to have the odd wobble now and again.

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7 months in my opinion is my opinion and by what you've said you've come a long way. After my loveless marriage broke up I met someone and fell head over heels in love with her. We were only together a couple of months, it took me best part of 5 years to get over her. There are no rules where matters of the heart are concerned. All credit to you and your bound to have the odd wobble now and again.

 

Thank you it has been probably one of the hardest things I've had to go through got my heart totally broken and I wont lie I did crumble but I have surprised myself how strong I actually am.

 

Yeah I think I am being hard on myself and just thinking God i should be over this but your right theres no time limit, did you feel a wee bit better seven months on after your breakup?

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Sorry I've edited my post it didn't make much sense at the start.

At 7 months I was a complete mess! Drinking myself to sleep most evenings, taking strong anti depressants. Not eating properly either. I'd gone from owning a 1/2 million pound house to living in my car followed by a miserable bedsit.

As I said your doing well, no time limits. Be kind to yourself where and when you can 😊

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Good to hear from you, and good to hear that, all in all, you're doing well. It's a process.

 

There's really no timeline for this stuff, but, as others have said, 7 months removed from a 6 year relationship is still a pretty fresh wound. Thinking of my last big breakup—we were together for three years—I was still quite wobbly at the 7 month mark. Wasn't a mess, but was still angry here, ruminating there, and self-defining, you could say, as someone going through a breakup more than, you know, just being me in the world. A few months later, though, the thorns were removed, I was me, kumbaya. Others have taken longer, while others have taken shorter.

 

Assuming you're not writing this after your 100th whiskey of the week, I'd say you're doing great and just have to keep trusting the process.

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Everyone is a little different. You may hear stories of some getting over marriages faster or long term relationships faster but it may not mean that the road was any smoother in its own way.

 

It's not a race so try and be patient with yourself. What matters is that you're still growing and eager to learn or try new things. It sounds like you're a little self-critical and it's normal to be that way if you're anxious and in pain. I think the best medicine for that is turning yourself inside out and doing the opposite of what you normally would. If you feel anxious, try something new that brings you out of your shell and challenges how you feel. Keep proving to yourself you're more than what you were yesterday or the week before or the month before. It's one step at a time.

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It takes as long as it takes. Don't judge yourself harshly... It's ok. Healing ebbs and flows. I have found, the moment I decide to be who I am and not fight myself, it starts to get easier. and this is true of many things not just break ups... I also try to control my self talk.... Catch yourself and then change your thoughts.

 

6 years is a long time, 2 months can be a long time... It really is mourning the death of what you thought you were or would be. I still think of exes and all kinds of past friendships and people I used to know... I try not to give any of it too much credence....

 

And now that I'm thinking about it, what does moved on actually mean? What do you think you should be doing that you are not"

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Sorry I've edited my post it didn't make much sense at the start.

At 7 months I was a complete mess! Drinking myself to sleep most evenings, taking strong anti depressants. Not eating properly either. I'd gone from owning a 1/2 million pound house to living in my car followed by a miserable bedsit.

As I said your doing well, no time limits. Be kind to yourself where and when you can 😊

 

I hope your doing ok, these things are so tough but I always think it will make us stronger

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Good to hear from you, and good to hear that, all in all, you're doing well. It's a process.

 

There's really no timeline for this stuff, but, as others have said, 7 months removed from a 6 year relationship is still a pretty fresh wound. Thinking of my last big breakup—we were together for three years—I was still quite wobbly at the 7 month mark. Wasn't a mess, but was still angry here, ruminating there, and self-defining, you could say, as someone going through a breakup more than, you know, just being me in the world. A few months later, though, the thorns were removed, I was me, kumbaya. Others have taken longer, while others have taken shorter.

 

Assuming you're not writing this after your 100th whiskey of the week, I'd say you're doing great and just have to keep trusting the process.

 

It's nice to hear from you too :) yeah theres still some times where I feel anger towards him then others I'm upset but I'm starting to know my worth now and others say to me why dont you start to date or do online dating but if I'm being honest I'm not ready for any of that yet I need to get better in myself and get my self confidence back before I even think of that

 

Aw no I'm defo not on my 100th whiskey haha, been sticking to the water and healthy eating and exercise while i can in this lockdown

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Everyone is a little different. You may hear stories of some getting over marriages faster or long term relationships faster but it may not mean that the road was any smoother in its own way.

 

It's not a race so try and be patient with yourself. What matters is that you're still growing and eager to learn or try new things. It sounds like you're a little self-critical and it's normal to be that way if you're anxious and in pain. I think the best medicine for that is turning yourself inside out and doing the opposite of what you normally would. If you feel anxious, try something new that brings you out of your shell and challenges how you feel. Keep proving to yourself you're more than what you were yesterday or the week before or the month before. It's one step at a time.

 

Thank you that's great advice :) yeah I've just lost all my confidence but my family have said to me the difference in me from when it happened to now is massive they did say I crumbled when it all happened but they said you will get days where you have a wee wobble as it was a long time to be together.

 

I think you just feel a panic because I turned 30 and it happened the day after so I just feel lost in some way it's like starting all over again on your own

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It takes as long as it takes. Don't judge yourself harshly... It's ok. Healing ebbs and flows. I have found, the moment I decide to be who I am and not fight myself, it starts to get easier. and this is true of many things not just break ups... I also try to control my self talk.... Catch yourself and then change your thoughts.

 

6 years is a long time, 2 months can be a long time... It really is mourning the death of what you thought you were or would be. I still think of exes and all kinds of past friendships and people I used to know... I try not to give any of it too much credence....

 

And now that I'm thinking about it, what does moved on actually mean? What do you think you should be doing that you are not"

 

Yeah I'm trying everything I can to try not think about him as much I mean I dont think of him as much as I used to and I'm not getting upset as much I think I miss the life I had and having someone there but I'm just keeping busy at work I'm making sure I eat healthy exercise and trying to see the positives out of a bad time but just dont know what more else to do when I feel like this sometimes

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Yeah I'm trying everything I can to try not think about him as much I mean I dont think of him as much as I used to and I'm not getting upset as much I think I miss the life I had and having someone there but I'm just keeping busy at work I'm making sure I eat healthy exercise and trying to see the positives out of a bad time but just dont know what more else to do when I feel like this sometimes
i think it sounds like you're doing great. And don't discount there's a pandemic happening.. we're all hungry for SOMETHING!

 

but the other thing, for me and maybe you, is if you haven't met someone else. You think of him, because you want someone in your life. And that is a good thing. I'm all for being on one's own and only getting with someone that compliments you're already full life. Sounds like you're there.

 

Thats why we think of exes or contact exes out of the blue... we want someone and we reflect back because we can't see the great people that are to come into our future. but thats what you should be thinking of... what you want in the future.

 

Its nearly impossible to meet a new person right now. But keep the faith. Your time is coming. You'll meet someone else and you'll see. we've all just been put on pause. So we must endure and save ourselves for better days.[emoji173]

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i think it sounds like you're doing great. And don't discount there's a pandemic happening.. we're all hungry for SOMETHING!

 

but the other thing, for me and maybe you, is if you haven't met someone else. You think of him, because you want someone in your life. And that is a good thing. I'm all for being on one's own and only getting with someone that compliments you're already full life. Sounds like you're there.

 

Thats why we think of exes or contact exes out of the blue... we want someone and we reflect back because we can't see the great people that are to come into our future. but thats what you should be thinking of... what you want in the future.

 

Its nearly impossible to meet a new person right now. But keep the faith. Your time is coming. You'll meet someone else and you'll see. we've all just been put on pause. So we must endure and save ourselves for better days.[emoji173]

 

Yeah I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and people are brought into your life and leave your life whether that be to teach you a lesson and sometimes that might be a good thing as theres something better out there waiting for us.

 

I just try think of it as that chapter has ended with that person for a new chapter to begin whatever it may be haha

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Great outlook. Chapters is a great analogy.

 

Thankyou I am alot more positive from when I first posted on here 7 months ago and you have seen my journey I felt I was crumbling at the start but I know the past couple of weeks have just been a wee wobble and I know I'll be ok but was just panicking in case 7 months I should be over it

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Something a friend said to me when I was spinning around, wobbling around...

 

She asked how I was doing, and I said, "Great! Feel like I've really turned a corner over the past week!" Which, hey, was how I was feeling. Anyhow, in response she said, "BC? You'll have turned a corner when you stop thinking about turning corners." It really stuck with me as I waded through all those feelings, processing what needed processing—including plenty of future wobbles after that great stretch—so I'll share it with you to use or discard however you see git on your path. She really was spot on, in the sense that I can't really tell you when I was "over it," more that at some point I just stopped thinking about it, feeling it.

 

Also? To my eyes and ears you don't simply sound more "positive" compared to your earlier posts, but stronger, more self-possessed. Hope you see that too, and maybe see that as something getting brighter that was dimmed inside the dynamic you two had carved out. And that? Well, it's a truly awesome place to be as you lean into your thirties, a truly awesome time in life.

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Something a friend said to me when I was spinning around, wobbling around...

 

She asked how I was doing, and I said, "Great! Feel like I've really turned a corner over the past week!" Which, hey, was how I was feeling. Anyhow, in response she said, "BC? You'll have turned a corner when you stop thinking about turning corners." It really stuck with me as I waded through all those feelings, processing what needed processing—including plenty of future wobbles after that great stretch—so I'll share it with you to use or discard however you see git on your path. She really was spot on, in the sense that I can't really tell you when I was "over it," more that at some point I just stopped thinking about it, feeling it.

 

Also? To my eyes and ears you don't simply sound more "positive" compared to your earlier posts, but stronger, more self-possessed. Hope you see that too, and maybe see that as something getting brighter that was dimmed inside the dynamic you two had carved out. And that? Well, it's a truly awesome place to be as you lean into your thirties, a truly awesome time in life.

 

That's a great way to look at it, and did you just eventually stop thinking about it?

 

I'm glad you can see a difference too from when I first posted in October I was honestly in such a bad place and was hurting so much but I do feel alot more positive and I'm not freaking out as much about turning 30 and being alone. Just a few times over the past couple of weeks I have been seeing people having children and getting married and i just think to myself hopefully that happens to me one day.

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That's a great way to look at it, and did you just eventually stop thinking about it?

 

I don't think thoughts turn off so much as change shape, lose their potency. I'm thinking about that whole chapter right now, for instance, in replying to you. It just doesn't carry much emotional weight, if any. It's like thinking back to high school, which I finished 23 years ago. I aced some tests, failed some tests, made some friends, lost some friends, but the whole thing is now just "high school," a chapter in my past.

 

You'll get there, are getting there.

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I don't think thoughts turn off so much as change shape, lose their potency. I'm thinking about that whole chapter right now, for instance, in replying to you. It just doesn't carry much emotional weight, if any. It's like thinking back to high school, which I finished 23 years ago. I aced some tests, failed some tests, made some friends, lost some friends, but the whole thing is now just "high school," a chapter in my past.

 

You'll get there, are getting there.

 

Sometimes I see on here where people have been in relationships for years and then they break up and meet someone new a couple of months later and I'm 7 months down the line and still feel a wee bit wobbly sometimes but I want to make sure that I feel better in myself and get my confidence back before I even think of dating again if that makes sense?

 

Because as you know the breakup was just out the blue and some hurtful things were said which totally broke my heart.

 

Like I wouldn't want to rush into anything when I know myself I'm not ready for anything like that, a few people said to me go online dating just to get your confidence back but I just dont want to do that just yet I have never done online dating either. But I think it's just scary about meeting someone again when I had been with the one person for all those years.

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Thanks for all the advice it has made me feel a bit better :) I just get so annoyed at myself though for still getting upset from time to time but your right it was a long time to be with someone and sometimes I feel like a sense of anger towards him, is that normal?

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Thanks for all the advice it has made me feel a bit better :) I just get so annoyed at myself though for still getting upset from time to time but your right it was a long time to be with someone and sometimes I feel like a sense of anger towards him, is that normal?

 

Oh yeah, totally normal. Anger is a healthy emotion but don't keep it in. It means you probably have a healthy sense of what's right and wrong internally! :friendly_wink: If it pisses you off, you know what you're not sticking around for. Don't ever feel bad about that. You'll probably go through naturally all the things that have made you upset. How you process that is up to you but eventually you'll have to know what to take and what to discard. Don't hold on to everything or coddle wrongs done to you or let the pain fester. When you're done, let it go - take the lessons.

 

What I used to do was journal, play loud music, veg with movies, starfish it on the couch and cried my heart out... and I also relied on Campbell's for my nutritional needs for a few weeks.

 

Keep your chin up. There is NO race. Don't play into that and don't care what others are doing.

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The rule of thumb I found to be true is half the length of the relationship to be over them. And that means, the pain, feeling really good in your skin, not thinking about them, new memories with different associations for places made, etc.

 

But it doesn't mean you wait forever to date. Dating is meant to be fun and a way to meet new people. Go have fun!

 

Don't mention exes like at all for the 1st 10 dates (if that), but if you feel you need to apologize for the way you are because of your previous guy, then you aren't ready.

 

After 1.5 year relationship that completely destroyed me, and in fact brought me to enotalone, I spent a year in grief. The 2nd year traveling, partying, learning new things, worked on myself with communication and figuring out my needs. The 3rd year, I gave back - started a non-profit. Volunteered my time. And in the between, I dated someone for 10 months, and had dates here and there. But the 3 years I worked on myself, bam, met up with my now hubs, and we have two boys and two pups.

 

I think you shouldn't compare your journey with others - your path is your path. Other people aren't the ones living in your shoes. Focus on you - and take all the damn time you need!!

 

And btw, if you get angry still thinking about your ex, you may definitely not be ready for a new relationship. Having fun, you can do!

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The rule of thumb I found to be true is half the length of the relationship to be over them. And that means, the pain, feeling really good in your skin, not thinking about them, new memories with different associations for places made, etc.

 

But it doesn't mean you wait forever to date. Dating is meant to be fun and a way to meet new people. Go have fun!

 

Don't mention exes like at all for the 1st 10 dates (if that), but if you feel you need to apologize for the way you are because of your previous guy, then you aren't ready.

 

After 1.5 year relationship that completely destroyed me, and in fact brought me to enotalone, I spent a year in grief. The 2nd year traveling, partying, learning new things, worked on myself with communication and figuring out my needs. The 3rd year, I gave back - started a non-profit. Volunteered my time. And in the between, I dated someone for 10 months, and had dates here and there. But the 3 years I worked on myself, bam, met up with my now hubs, and we have two boys and two pups.

 

I think you shouldn't compare your journey with others - your path is your path. Other people aren't the ones living in your shoes. Focus on you - and take all the damn time you need!!

 

And btw, if you get angry still thinking about your ex, you may definitely not be ready for a new relationship. Having fun, you can do!

 

That's amazing how did you meet your husband? That definitely gives me hope

 

I mean I dont get angry alot just sometimes when I think about it, basically we had been together 6 years and I had just turned 30 and he surprised me with a trip away on my birthday which was on my bucket list and then the next day he just turned round and said he didnt want to be with me anymore so it was a total shock and I was such a mess just felt so hurt

 

But now I'm alot more positive and just trying to look forward but the odd time when I think about it now and then it just angers me at how it was done but I need to just keep reminding myself I will find happiness one day

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