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Anxiety Help - Journal


boltnrun
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Even when it's hot I wear long sleeves and pants to shop then change clothes when I get home. I don't touch my hair or face while out -even though I usually would -just more vigilant. That way I don't have to shower.

 

I'm more worried about the Covid that floats around in the air and lands on my hair, skin and clothing. See, I have this bizarre theory that I have to shower and shampoo to wash all of it off so I don't somehow breathe it in or touch my hair or skin and then rub my eyes or my nose (which I do literally every 15 seconds). So instead I have just now made up a rule that after a few hours the Covid is no longer infectious so it's OK for me to not shower. My upper arms, forehead, hair, neck and ears were exposed and I didn't wash them, but I actually have no idea how long it remains infectious on skin or hair. See, this is what my mind has done to me. It has created all these scenarios and routines that I for some reason believe will either keep me safe or will infect me. And I'm not sure how much of it is accurate and how much is nonsense. But this is why I am receiving treatment. Because I fear ending up like Howard Hughes and that would be awful.

 

I was in the UPS store for about 10 minutes and the grocery store for about 30 minutes. Some people crowded me in the grocery store (I almost had to tell a couple of people to get away from me...one guy was about to brush up against me as he walked past and I stepped away. Come on, really???) but everyone had masks. One lady pulled her mask down in the aisle but I was only near her when I walked past her (again, really??).

 

Ugh, my obsessive mind is doing a number on me. I wish there was an easy way to make it stop.

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I gave in and showered and shampooed. I just couldn't shut off the obsessive thoughts.

 

I guess I will just have to shower every time I get home from grocery shopping.

 

Sometimes if it's just a shower it's easier to give in. Like I'll get all ready for bed and realize I didn't check whether the fridge was completely shut (it always is it's just my 'quirk") - so I'll go out to the kitchen again to check. It's easier to do that than "worry".

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Sometimes if it's just a shower it's easier to give in. Like I'll get all ready for bed and realize I didn't check whether the fridge was completely shut (it always is it's just my 'quirk") - so I'll go out to the kitchen again to check. It's easier to do that than "worry".

 

For me it's the stove burners. I'm always convinced they are on even though I check them a zillion times. I've left for work and come back just to check them. Also when I had a garage (glorious days!) I always thought I forgot to close the door so I went back a few times to check. Of course, EVERY SINGLE TIME the burners were off and the garage door was closed. It was the worst when I lived on the third floor of a walkup. Having to traverse back up those stairs was annoying. Funny thing is, when I forced myself to ignore the obsessive thoughts I forgot about it about 15 minutes into my drive to work. This was pre-Covid, of course. Now I have a whole set of new things to obsess about.

 

Side note, my body has eaten my butt. I used to have a lush butt (got tons of compliments and comments about my round rump) but it's completely gone. Flat as a pancake. I guess my body ate my fat stores since I wasn't eating much. It's uncomfortable to sit in my computer desk chair now. Same with my boobage. I had nice boobage but those are gone too.

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For me it's the stove burners. I'm always convinced they are on even though I check them a zillion times. I've left for work and come back just to check them. Also when I had a garage (glorious days!) I always thought I forgot to close the door so I went back a few times to check. Of course, EVERY SINGLE TIME the burners were off and the garage door was closed. It was the worst when I lived on the third floor of a walkup. Having to traverse back up those stairs was annoying. Funny thing is, when I forced myself to ignore the obsessive thoughts I forgot about it about 15 minutes into my drive to work. This was pre-Covid, of course. Now I have a whole set of new things to obsess about.

 

Side note, my body has eaten my butt. I used to have a lush butt (got tons of compliments and comments about my round rump) but it's completely gone. Flat as a pancake. I guess my body ate my fat stores since I wasn't eating much. It's uncomfortable to sit in my computer desk chair now. Same with my boobage. I had nice boobage but those are gone too.

 

OK so instead of checking the burners check to make sure your butt is still there!!!! ;-)

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OK so instead of checking the burners check to make sure your butt is still there!!!! ;-)

 

Still not there. I wonder how much I have to eat to get it back. I'm stuffing myself to the point where I'm uncomfortable but it's not working. And I am actually not supposed to stuff myself. I have a medical condition that can get aggravated by overeating. But what am I supposed to do, just keep losing weight until I die?

 

Speaking of that, my friend just messaged me that her husband's grandmother also lost a lot of weight and ended up dying. I'm not sure how telling me that is supposed to be helpful. I don't respond well to being given negative motivation. Some encouragement would have been nice.

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Still not there. I wonder how much I have to eat to get it back. I'm stuffing myself to the point where I'm uncomfortable but it's not working. And I am actually not supposed to stuff myself. I have a medical condition that can get aggravated by overeating. But what am I supposed to do, just keep losing weight until I die?

 

Speaking of that, my friend just messaged me that her husband's grandmother also lost a lot of weight and ended up dying. I'm not sure how telling me that is supposed to be helpful. I don't respond well to being given negative motivation. Some encouragement would have been nice.

 

What I would do is eat more avocados and nuts!

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What I would do is eat more avocados and nuts!

 

I'm allergic to nuts.

 

Here are the things I can't eat:

nuts and peanuts

dairy

red meat (unless it's ground)

chocolate

donuts, muffins, some pastries

 

I've tried avocadoes. Didn't gain, in fact lost 2 more pounds.

 

I can eat fish, seafood, chicken, vegetables and fruit, bread, pork, ground red meat and lunch meat, eggs. I like all those things so it's not really a hardship. But no matter how much I stuff myself I keep losing. However I seem to have leveled off at 110 pounds (normal weight is 133-135).

 

I did end up getting the job so I have to spend the rest of the week buying clothes that fit. Everything I owned before literally falls to the floor.

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I'm allergic to nuts.

 

Here are the things I can't eat:

nuts and peanuts

dairy

red meat (unless it's ground)

chocolate

donuts, muffins, some pastries

 

I've tried avocadoes. Didn't gain, in fact lost 2 more pounds.

 

I can eat fish, seafood, chicken, vegetables and fruit, bread, pork, ground red meat and lunch meat, eggs. I like all those things so it's not really a hardship. But no matter how much I stuff myself I keep losing. However I seem to have leveled off at 110 pounds (normal weight is 133-135).

 

I did end up getting the job so I have to spend the rest of the week buying clothes that fit. Everything I owned before literally falls to the floor.

 

If you haven't already I'd get checked out -sounds like you're not absorbing nutrients, etc in the right way but I'm not in the medical field!

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I had a full workup earlier this year. All tests including blood work came back negative (except for my usual conditions, I am hypothyroid and have high blood pressure). I'm sure it's the anxiety. None of the weight loss happened until I started suffering from extreme anxiety. Before that I couldn't lose weight if you paid me.

 

I don't feel weak or like I'm malnourished. I just can't gain any weight back. I haven't lost any more in a couple of weeks so I think I leveled out. I think my new job and living with my family will help tremendously. I'm down because I'm isolated with my thoughts. My family is great so I believe they will be super helpful.

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Yes certainly could be! I doubt you will keep losing and the foods you can eat sound perfect for a balanced diet. I can't -anymore- eat heavy meals especially at night or too much pasta or tomato based sauces (which I love, sigh). I hope the new environment helps!!

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Sounds like OCD.

 

Oh yeah, for sure. I repeat things in my head, I count stairs even though I have been up and down my back stairs a zillion times (There are 19 steps, for the record. That number doesn't change). And I have done this for as long as I can remember. It didn't start with the Covid thing.

 

Hey, BTW, I got the job! My brain's ability to laser focus can be put back to good use by being productive at work.

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Oh yeah, for sure. I repeat things in my head, I count stairs even though I have been up and down my back stairs a zillion times (There are 19 steps, for the record. That number doesn't change). And I have done this for as long as I can remember. It didn't start with the Covid thing.

 

Hey, BTW, I got the job! My brain's ability to laser focus can be put back to good use by being productive at work.

 

Congratulations!!!

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Oh yeah, for sure. I repeat things in my head, I count stairs even though I have been up and down my back stairs a zillion times (There are 19 steps, for the record. That number doesn't change). And I have done this for as long as I can remember. It didn't start with the Covid thing.

 

Hey, BTW, I got the job! My brain's ability to laser focus can be put back to good use by being productive at work.

Congrats!!!

 

My husband was successfully treated for OCD.

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Congrats!!!

 

My husband was successfully treated for OCD.

 

Thank you Batya and Seraphim!

 

I talked to my psychologist (just finished an appointment). She said she is not too concerned about the OCD behaviors because they are not impeding my ability to live. I can still go to work, run my errands, get things done. The routines do not interfere with my ability to live my life. And she felt the showering wasn't that big of a deal. Like I told her (and she agreed), lots of people shower before bed. And if it makes me feel better to shower I should just go ahead and shower. If I couldn't leave to go to work because I was repeatedly counting the stairs that would be a different story. I just count them inside my head while going up or down and I tell myself, there are 19 stairs! The number didn't change! But I don't go back and count them again and if I'm thinking about something else and don't count them I don't go back down and count them. I just leave it. And I was never late to work because I went back to check something. It's just something I do that's kind of strange.

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Oh yeah, for sure. I repeat things in my head, I count stairs even though I have been up and down my back stairs a zillion times (There are 19 steps, for the record. That number doesn't change). And I have done this for as long as I can remember. It didn't start with the Covid thing.

 

Hey, BTW, I got the job! My brain's ability to laser focus can be put back to good use by being productive at work.

 

Congratulations!

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Thank you Batya and Seraphim!

 

I talked to my psychologist (just finished an appointment). She said she is not too concerned about the OCD behaviors because they are not impeding my ability to live. I can still go to work, run my errands, get things done. The routines do not interfere with my ability to live my life. And she felt the showering wasn't that big of a deal. Like I told her (and she agreed), lots of people shower before bed. And if it makes me feel better to shower I should just go ahead and shower. If I couldn't leave to go to work because I was repeatedly counting the stairs that would be a different story. I just count them inside my head while going up or down and I tell myself, there are 19 stairs! The number didn't change! But I don't go back and count them again and if I'm thinking about something else and don't count them I don't go back down and count them. I just leave it. And I was never late to work because I went back to check something. It's just something I do that's kind of strange.

Yes, my husband’s OCD rituals had totally obliterated his ability to function and in cases caused him to be abusive.

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I did laundry at my son's for the last time yesterday. While I am happy to be moving out of this apartment I have come to despise and happy to no longer be isolated, I am heartbroken that I will no longer be seeing my precious son once a week. I'm already having to do without seeing my daughter (she moved away early this year to another state) and now I will maybe see my son and his spouse two times a month when I will try to arrange to visit. It's harder of course due to the pandemic because we can't just meet at a restaurant (because I am still uncomfortable eating AT a restaurant) so we will have to meet outdoors. Which we can absolutely do, but still...I'm sad.

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Productive day.

 

I drove to my new workplace because I have a tendency to get lost so I wanted to be sure I knew how to get there and also how long it will take. So, drove there, then went to Target. I need work clothes that will fit my excessively skinny body. I got a pair of jeans ($9!) a cute pair of houndstooth pencil slacks, two tops and a set of 3 belts all for $75. Not a bad haul. Couldn't try anything on so hopefully it will all fit. Then went to the car wash to have the ashes and filth washed off my car. It will be filthy again in a day or so but oh well. Then went to the grocery store to pick up my order and stopped at the gas station on my way home to fill up for my visit to my brother's house tomorrow. Wiped the groceries (at least the ones I could carry inside, the rest are still in the trunk of my car) and showered. Now I'm hungry so I am going to fix myself some lunch!

 

Lots more packing to do and only two more days to get it done. Gotta get a move on as my mom would say.

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Thank you.

 

I feel much more comfortable having my family members move my things. The movers who loaded the truck last time did a good job but the ones who unloaded cared not one bit about safety protocols or keeping my things clean and safe. I'm still upset with how they took off their gloves and how they removed the plastic protective coverings from my furniture and then set it cloth side down in the street. That upset me tremendously. My family will be much more careful.

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