5 dates and I'm confused

[Skeptic76]

How am I leading him on? I do like him, that's why I've been dating him. For me, leading someone on means knowing you're not interested and acting like you are. That's not the case with me.

 

In your OP it seemed like you were on the verge of “just giving up” and that you were having trouble feeling that you were on the same page with this guy. Also this is your second post on a relationship forum about him after five dates. It looks like based on these things that I misunderstood your feelings and the intent of your post.

 

Glad everything got settled, best wishes!

[Skeptic76]

What is this, 1955?

 

Lol, even though it was at my expense I have to admit that was funny.

 

Look, we’re here at date #5 for this potential couple and we’re on the second “problem” where this guy is behaving in ways that make her uncomfortable. We all date differently so it’s fine that she wants to work through these self described problems - but if a woman made me that uncomfortable that early? I’d date somebody else. That’s all. I wouldn’t let someone who was super into me stay hot on my trail if I wasn’t into them.

 

I was wrong and I stand corrected, as OP said she actually does really like him. She is totally into him as much as he’s into her! So, maybe the dynamic she’s describing is ideal for these two and they’re a perfect match?

 

But again, that was a nice burn J, you had me lol for real 😆

[Jibralta]

Lol, even though it was at my expense I have to admit that was funny.

 

Look, we’re here at date #5 for this potential couple and we’re on the second “problem” where this guy is behaving in ways that make her uncomfortable. We all date differently so it’s fine that she wants to work through these self described problems - but if a woman made me that uncomfortable that early? I’d date somebody else. That’s all. I wouldn’t let someone who was super into me stay hot on my trail if I wasn’t into them.

 

I was wrong and I stand corrected, as OP said she actually does really like him. She is totally into him as much as he’s into her! So, maybe the dynamic she’s describing is ideal for these two and they’re a perfect match?

 

But again, that was a nice burn J, you had me lol for real 😆

 

😆😆😆😆

........

[SherrySher]

Crossing fingers for you. :) Dating is not always like the movies make it out to be. It can take a bit of work. But as long as you and he are on the same page, no reason why it can't be something special.

 

Hope you can give us a great update.

[East4]

It looks like a pattern is developing here (considering your previous thread as well). The guy pushes for more than you are ready to give-more phone time in the previous thread, kissing in the current thread. When he did not receive what he wanted he sent you an article hinting that you are a negative person; or in the current case he disregards your wish to wait for the kissing.

 

The common theme on both threads is this guy overstepping your boundaries, and your being reluctant to affirm your boundaries. Do you feel obligated to please this guy? Why are unable to say "no" and listen to your instincts? What are you affraid of? That he will leave and you will be alone? If you answer yes to any of the above questions, then this is not a good headspace for dating (in my opinion).

 

To me the guy is very insecure and is pushing your boundaries to assuage his insecurities by demanding (aggressively) your attention. It is not about getting to know and enjoy another person's company. It is more like he needs a fix from you to feel good in his skin. Perhaps this is what your instinct is telling you, but you ignore it.

[East4]

OP, in your previous thread you stated that your first date with this guy is planned for Monday the 4th of May. Now, this current thread has started on the 15th of May and you have already been on 5 dates with this guy.

 

Assuming your last date took place on the 14th of May, a day before you started this thread, that means that in the course of 10 days you had 5 dates with this person, this means you go out with him every other day on average. It is too much. He is fast-tracking you in to something. Your alarm bells went off, but you are reluctant to listen to them.

 

If I were you, I would be reluctant to kiss a man I only knew for 10 days. You have to be careful and not desperate to find a man. If you want a man, you want a good man, not just somebody.

[Eliza50]

An update for anyone who's interested. I've decided to stop dating him. For several reasons.

 

First of all, we kissed ''properly'' a few times during our last date (my initiative) and it felt like I was kissing a friend. No chemistry.

 

Secondly, he had told me before that he'd lost his job right before the quarantine had started and that he's changed many different jobs in the last 10 years. I hadn't given it much thought but yesterday (date #6) he blurted out that his mother has been supporting him (paying for bills and everything) and when I asked how the job hunting's going (I thought he was looking for a job) he said well, I'll start looking in September, after my summer vacation (for which his mother will pay...again). This guy is 53 and he's relying on his 83yo mother's pension. I've been working since 18 and the last time I asked my parents for financial help was when I was 25, so, that really rubbed me the wrong way.

 

Finally, he's already started talking about moving in together (!) and asking details about my house, my bed, making suggestions on how we could change this and that if we lived together. I was speechless.

 

When I came home after the date I had made up my mind. It's over. All that's left now is how to tell him.

[Wiseman2]

Yikes run 😱

[East4]

On a side topic, and I really do not want to criticise, only make an appeal to people conscienciousness and discipline.

I am flaberggasted when I see threads telling about kissing, visiting each others places,etc. People, you are in COVID 19 crisis and the USA is one of the most affected countries right now. There is no vacine against the virus. The only remedy is social distancing.

 

OP, the kissing, that you did not even enjoy with a moocher man who is looking for a sugger mama, was it worth it to risk your life? And the live of family members (if you see them regularly). The same applies to this man-he has an elderly parent and I guess they live together. He dates around, kisses women and does not care if he transmits the virus to his elderly mother who is in the most vulnerable age group. And she is the person who maintains his livelyhood. How ungrateful-she provides for him, and he returns the favor in the form of potentially passing her the virus.

 

Stay home, people. It is not worth to risk your lives and the lives of your closest ones to go on dates that 90% of the cases do not even work. If you wanna risk your lives, do it for a more noble cause.

[Wiseman2]

What someone does for a living and where/with whom they live should be covered before or on date #1. It seems you could fine-tune your screening techniques. At your age a person should be gainfully employed and live in their own place, get that at out of the way right away.

 

Other things to screen for drugs, alcohol, debt, recent divorce/relationship, lives with ex or parents. If they don't meet basic criteria do not waste your time meeting, no less a lot of messaging, calls, 6 dates and several weeks, etc.

 

Get a better list of red flags, deal-breakers, etc. together so your dating life is less stressful. Try not to let boredom, loneliness or curiosity drive you and blind you to the basics. .

he had told me before that he'd lost his job. he blurted out that his mother has been supporting him. This guy is 53 and he's relying on his 83yo mother's pension. he's already started talking about moving in together.

[Jibralta]

Secondly, he had told me before that he'd lost his job right before the quarantine had started and that he's changed many different jobs in the last 10 years. I hadn't given it much thought but yesterday (date #6) he blurted out that his mother has been supporting him (paying for bills and everything) and when I asked how the job hunting's going (I thought he was looking for a job) he said well, I'll start looking in September, after my summer vacation (for which his mother will pay...again). This guy is 53 and he's relying on his 83yo mother's pension.

 

Oh lord, that lends perspective to his whole 'photographer' bit! LOL

 

Yick.

[Eliza50]

What someone does for a living and where/with whom they live should be covered before or on date #1. It seems you could fine-tune your screening techniques. At your age a person should be gainfully employed and live in their own place, get that at out of the way right away.

 

I knew where he lived and with whom, except he had told me his mother is old and since his sister lives far away, he has been taking care of her..and I had found that rather sweet, to be honest. He had never mentioned that she has been supporting him financially.

 

As for being unemployed, I knew that, too, but I wouldn't judge someone based on that alone. I mean, many people lose their jobs and then get new jobs. His stories about the different jobs he'd had throughout the years sounded genuine. I could have asked him ''so, are you looking for a new job?'' but I had considered that a given. It had never even crossed my mind that he's not looking at all because his mother has been paying his bills.

 

I tend to ask all sorts of questions when I meet someone new but this guy had painted a very different picture to the one I saw yesterday and perhaps I was too naive to believe that someone without a job would be looking for one. I don't know.

[Wiseman2]

Ok, next time, no job and lives with mom should be deal breakers, it ends the time-wasting for everyone. When you screen and select more carefully there is much less drama.

I knew where he lived and with whom,

As for being unemployed, I knew that, too, but I wouldn't judge someone based on that alone.

[SophiaG]

An update for anyone who's interested. I've decided to stop dating him. For several reasons.

 

First of all, we kissed ''properly'' a few times during our last date (my initiative) and it felt like I was kissing a friend. No chemistry.

 

Secondly, he had told me before that he'd lost his job right before the quarantine had started and that he's changed many different jobs in the last 10 years. I hadn't given it much thought but yesterday (date #6) he blurted out that his mother has been supporting him (paying for bills and everything) and when I asked how the job hunting's going (I thought he was looking for a job) he said well, I'll start looking in September, after my summer vacation (for which his mother will pay...again). This guy is 53 and he's relying on his 83yo mother's pension. I've been working since 18 and the last time I asked my parents for financial help was when I was 25, so, that really rubbed me the wrong way.

 

Finally, he's already started talking about moving in together (!) and asking details about my house, my bed, making suggestions on how we could change this and that if we lived together. I was speechless.

 

When I came home after the date I had made up my mind. It's over. All that's left now is how to tell him.

 

Good call. Seems like he's eager to find someone else to pay for his vacations. That might have explained why he hasn't even offered a cup of coffee...

[Lambert]

I knew where he lived and with whom, except he had told me his mother is old and since his sister lives far away, he has been taking care of her..and I had found that rather sweet, to be honest. He had never mentioned that she has been supporting him financially.

 

As for being unemployed, I knew that, too, but I wouldn't judge someone based on that alone. I mean, many people lose their jobs and then get new jobs. His stories about the different jobs he'd had throughout the years sounded genuine. I could have asked him ''so, are you looking for a new job?'' but I had considered that a given. It had never even crossed my mind that he's not looking at all because his mother has been paying his bills.

 

I tend to ask all sorts of questions when I meet someone new but this guy had painted a very different picture to the one I saw yesterday and perhaps I was too naive to believe that someone without a job would be looking for one. I don't know.

Sounds like you know everything you need to know. And are making the right choice....

 

There are red flags all over this. He probably just wants out of his mother's house. At 53, he should be able to weather a brief unemployment event and a half a dozen dates is waaaayyyyyy too soon to start discussing living together.

 

Tell him ASAP!

[Jibralta]

perhaps I was too naive to believe that someone without a job would be looking for one. I don't know.

 

ACTUALLY, I am currently unemployed and not actively looking for a job.

 

I was laid off at the end of March, and felt a job search would be futile as my state is currently in a state of emergency.

 

So, I'm kicking back and enjoying my 'spring vacation.'

 

However, I am 100% self-sufficient and not dependent on my mom for support.

 

Also, I'd actually started looking for a new job before the pandemic.

 

So, even though I've been pretty passive and relaxed, my resume's been out there 'working' this whole time and I am fielding job offers while sitting here gathering moss.

 

Point is, I am currently sort of an example of the above jobless, non-searcher..... but not really.

 

He probably just wants out of his mother's house. At 53, he should be able to weather a brief unemployment event and a half a dozen dates is waaaayyyyyy too soon to start discussing living together.

 

That's what it sounds like to me. Ugh.