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5 dates and I'm confused


Eliza50
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This is about the same guy from my latest post

 

First of all, phone is not an issue any more. The more I get to know him, the more comfortable I feel talking on the phone with him. So, that's one problem solved. And here's another one.

 

We've been on 5 dates (and talking on the phone when we don't see each other). I know he likes me, he's told me so. He's tried to kiss me a few times. I told him I want to take my time getting to know him better, he accepted it...but he keeps trying every time we meet...not to the point that I feel uncomfortable but to the point where I feel I have to..I'm sorry if I'm not making sense, it's hard to describe the feeling. Anyway, eventually, I did kiss him a couple of times.

 

The thing is I don't know how I feel about him. I like him and I want to continue seeing him but he seems to be moving much faster than me.

 

I'm very confused because we have many things in common and I constantly feel that if he just relaxed a bit, I would relax, too, and things would be much better.

 

I guess my question is do you think I should continue dating him (we're not exclusive or anything) or should I just give up?

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Sounds like you are not attracted. A kiss after 5 dates is not that fast-track. If you liked him, you have enjoyed his calls, enjoyed the dates and have been attracted. Try not to date out of boredom. He may be entertaining, but if you are not feeling it, you are leading him on.

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I don't think I'm leading him on. He's never asked how I feel about him, if I like him, what I think about us and all that. All I I've told him is that I like getting to know him and that's 100% true. Also, I haven't accepted anything from him, not even a cup of coffee.

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My impression, from this and your other thread, is that the thing you like most about him is also the thing you like least—namely, that he is into you. Perhaps his eagerness feels insincere—that he's into being into people, say—but it seems appealing enough, or distracting enough, for you to stay quasi-interested. Could it be that he enjoys chasing and you enjoy being chased?

 

Anyhow, if he's rubbing you the wrong way or not firing the right synapses, I'd let it go. Or maybe hang another time or two, while being honest about whether you're still exploring mainly to enjoy the chase rather than the connection.

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I like him and I want to continue seeing him but he seems to be moving much faster than me.

 

I'm very confused because we have many things in common and I constantly feel that if he just relaxed a bit, I would relax, too, and things would be much better.

 

Did you tell him this?

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I understand everyone's got their boundaries, but five dates in and you're forcing yourself to kiss him. Combined with the fact you've already made two threads about the guy, and you should be about the exact opposite of confused.

 

A lot of people are great on paper but for their clingyness or really any behavior we find off putting for any reason. You factor in the person, not the algorithm. Don't waste your time having discussions about the way he acts. Just find a better match.

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Your lips are moving but he doesn't hear what you are saying. he's a guy....he wants sex. You are not feeling it by now, kick him to the curb. He's actually turning your off with this, so that means there isn't enough sexual attraction for you.

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You've already told this guy you didn't want to talk to him on the phone and yet he waited patiently to meet you. 5 dates later and you still don't want to kiss him?

 

I am respectful of all different styles and paces, but I wouldn't be surprise if this guy thinks this might be way too much work.

 

You are entitled to take things at what ever pace feels right for you, but he is clearly on a different page. It doesn't make him wrong, over eager or otherwise. He could actually really like you.

 

I was a little suspect about the over familiarity of the phone pace in your other post, saying he'd call in the morning and such. That's very boyfriend like.

 

But 5 dates in and you still want to slam the brakes.

 

Let's just write this off to him not being the right guy for you or vice versa.

 

Remember, some people wait to see if there is a spark that inspires them to want to kiss someone. There is an equal number of people who need to kiss someone first to see if there is spark.

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"Do you like me?" seems a bit insecure or somewhat like high school. There is no "us" after 5 dates. He is assuming you like him because you keep accepting dates. You may like him fine and well but that is different than being attracted.

 

He may not know he's in the friendzone.... or maybe he suspects it and that's why after 5 dates tried to kiss you so he either gets a read on things or cuts his losses and moves on. It sounds like he will lose interest eventually. keep in mind people are dating/meeting others at first.

He's never asked how I feel about him, if I like him, what I think about us and all that.
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He's never asked how I feel about him, if I like him, what I think about us and all that. All I I've told him is that I like getting to know him and that's 100% true. Also, I haven't accepted anything from him, not even a cup of coffee.

 

I don't ask people how they feel about me or us this early on. It's too early to tell.

You should personally know well enough if whether you want to continue accepting dates or no. By you doing so tells him something.

 

Besides you haven't even kissed him. From what you've shared he likely can't get any read on you. You have so many rules and walls to hurdle.

 

You won't accept a cup of coffee?? Seriously? Would you feel indebted and why aren't able to accept a kind gesture without feeling there are strings attached?

 

A kiss can be the same, just a kiss. . .no strings attached.

 

What happened along the way that makes you so suspicious of a mans intentions?

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I didn't say I won't accept a cup of coffee. I said I haven't accepted...not that he's offered and I've refused, by the way. Perhaps my wording was wrong.

 

As for being suspicious of his intentions, I'm not. That's not the problem at all.

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I know I dated a few guys who I just couldn't get a comfort level with, even though with one of them I found his brain to be fascinating amongst other good things. They just were not my match, and I'm glad they weren't, because I was then free to meet my future husband. Looking back, even with the little I knew about those guys, I can see that my husband and I are a far better match. He and I did feel very comfortable with each other on the first date, not to say that's always the case with a good match. I'd say that after 5 dates, that's plenty of time to start feeling comfortable around each other, so since you don't, face the fact that he's just not for you. Not enough is gelling, even assuming you're both perfectly nice people.

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Not in so many words, no. You think I should?

 

I would.

 

Your pace is your pace. Nothing to defend or feel ashamed about.

 

It's not like you're forcing him to walk barefoot over a bed of flaming coals for a date.

 

He's a free man. He can either respect it and stay, or he can move on.

 

Seriously, I don't see what's the rush.

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I typically kiss a guy after 5 dates or more. I have germ-phobia and prefer not to share germs with some random guy just because they are cute lol. Especially during a pandemic!

 

You know your own pace. Do you typically get comfortable physically much sooner? You said you "like him and want to continue seeing him," to me that sounds like enough interest to keep exploring this early stage connection. If he keeps pushing or disrespect your boundaries you might just be turned off in time and there is your answer.

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OP you think he needs to relax? I think the exact opposite. He sounds pretty freewheeling and easygoing. Lots of women actually seek out men who will use the phone, make plans for dates and are physically attracted and have a healthy desire to demonstrate the attraction. This guy seems to be that way...sorry if I totally misunderstood but that’s what I’m reading.

 

There’s nothing wrong with all of this being a turn off for you, we all like what we like...but why are you leading him on?

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It doesn't sound like he's having a positive effect on you overall.

 

I'm also curious why he doesn't seem to be acknowledging your discomfort. Sometimes all it takes is joking about something or breaking that ice, making things seem more genuine and less of a formality or trying to be cool. It's good if you feel you can be yourself around someone, not constantly second guessing yourself. You can break that ice too and call him out on any awkwardness in a kind/gentle/goofy way. Maybe you are both misunderstanding each other.

 

Stay safe! Take care of yourself and don't do anything you're not comfortable with. If you're wondering why it's so hard to get along with him, remember that it takes two. Don't be too hard on yourself.

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Do you typically get comfortable physically much sooner?

 

No. This is how I am, that's why I want to keep seeing him...because I know what I'm like, that I need time to feel comfortable enough around new people...and, to be honest, this coronavirus scare makes me more guarded than usual.

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OP you think he needs to relax? I think the exact opposite. He sounds pretty freewheeling and easygoing. Lots of women actually seek out men who will use the phone, make plans for dates and are physically attracted and have a healthy desire to demonstrate the attraction. This guy seems to be that way...sorry if I totally misunderstood but that’s what I’m reading.

 

There’s nothing wrong with all of this being a turn off for you, we all like what we like...but why are you leading him on?

 

How am I leading him on? I do like him, that's why I've been dating him. For me, leading someone on means knowing you're not interested and acting like you are. That's not the case with me.

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No. This is how I am, that's why I want to keep seeing him...because I know what I'm like, that I need time to feel comfortable enough around new people...and, to be honest, this coronavirus scare makes me more guarded than usual.

 

There you go. Explain this to him and see if he's cool with it. Pretty much all the guys I've dated want to kiss/hold hands/have sex sooner than I would like. I'd just explain this is my pace and of course, some of them got offended and thought I was "leading them on." Others were glad to hear that it wasn't my lack of interest and willing to spend more time getting to know each other. I find it a necessary filter anyway. It won't do anyone any good to force yourself to kiss/touch someone you're not yet comfortable with.

 

Besides, wise to be guarded with the coronavirus!

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Honestly, he sounds like a misguided man. You have to tell him in a far more direct way what you want. Something like this : "Harry, I enjoy your company and I want to see where this goes but I need to take the lead when it comes to kissing and touching as I am much slower than most and I am starting to feel more and more uncomfortable with feeling forced to kiss etc, when I am not ready".

 

If he likes you like he says he does, he will respect that and back off and be more than willing to let you take the lead.

 

However, if he does not understand or if he agrees and then still tries to push kissing etc, then it's time to call it a day.

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Thank you all.

 

I just called him and told him, directly this time, that I need more time and that I like him but if he thinks he can't wait, he can stop going out with me and I'll understand. He said he doesn't mind waiting as long as he knows I am also interested in him and he said he'll leave it up to me to set the pace...and he asked to meet again tomorrow :)

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Thank you all.

 

I just called him and told him, directly this time, that I need more time and that I like him but if he thinks he can't wait, he can stop going out with me and I'll understand. He said he doesn't mind waiting as long as he knows I am also interested in him and he said he'll leave it up to me to set the pace...and he asked to meet again tomorrow :)

 

That's great to hear. Enjoy your time together and I agree with the others, stay safe while meeting new people.

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