Desperately need some unbiased perspective

[dana12]

Hi so this is a complicated story but ill try to be concise. I had alot of friends who were male that I was very close to and there was no cheating or sexual tension or anything. He has a history of going through my phone and freaking out about any guy that texts me and i answer. He says im incapable of not flirting. For example, he saw I sent one of my good friends just :))) this and he freaked out and said I was flirting. He never wanted me to have guy friends, but it was long distance. He told me if I ever ended up hu with one of them he would hate me. Mind you, this person has been a close PLATONIC friend for years, but fast forward a year and we took a break. I ended up hu with the friend, but it was more of a friends with benefits, nothing romantic. Once I got back with my bf I told him that we couldn't hu and after that it was like we were just platonic again and no sexual tension. My bf moved here for a bit and I was stupid and thought maybe we could all be friends so i introduced him. Later I woke up and hes looking through my phone and all my messages and starts freaking out. He wouldnt give me my phone back and went through YEARS of messages with any men. Even when we weren't together he gets mad I initially lied to him about it because any time I even mention a guy he freaks out and I can't handle the fights and him making me block every man i was friends with. I understand why he doesn't trust me but his reactions are so extreme and mean I get too scared to just be honest. Now after he found that out he has been looking through my phone non stop. I couldn't even use my phone all night and he woke me up yelling at me at 5 am because he was on my phone all night looking for flirtatious texts. I'm on here because he said hell break up with me if i talk to my family and friends so I can't. He says i'm so insecure I need to seek out attention from every guy and no one will want me. Since he found out ive been called retarded, dumb, garbage, morally bankrupt, disgusting etc... He started packing his bags to leave then he said hell stay for two days and see if I act up to his standards. He said if I even wave or talk to a man hes leaving me. Also, this all happened like on or right after my birthday. I suggested a couples therapist so we can get an unbiased mediator because anytime i try to defend myself he tells me to or fu etc... He said they won't tell you anything you just need to listen to me. Please give opinions on the situation. Do I deserve this? Can any guys out there tell me what they would do.

[arjumand]

Get him out of your apartment, change the locks and cut him off everywhere. So many men in the world and you decided the one for you is a control freak emotional abuser? After this is over you should take some time to figure out all your relationships, your actual relationship goals and what behavior and choices will get you there.

[Batya33]

Why would you waste a second on a therapist in this case -get out! Do you have kids with him? And you're not married - so it's much easier to get out and if needed get a restraining order.

[boltnrun]

He's not going to stop. News flash - abusers abuse not because they're insecure or because you did something bad or because they just love you so gosh darned much...they abuse because they LIKE it. It makes them feel powerful to abuse you and see you react with tears, begging and declarations of love and fidelity. I mean, why would they stop when they treat you horribly and you respond by telling them you love them and completely change your behavior to do everything they want you to do? It's fun and rewarding for them.

 

So no, counseling won't "get" him to stop doing something he likes so much. It's like expecting counseling to get you to stop liking chocolate or cheesecake.

 

Forget that, get some family or friend support to get him out. Then change your locks, block him from contacting you and forget about ever seeing or communicating with him again. And then look into finding out why you thought you loved someone who treats you so poorly.

[Seraphim]

Get out of this “ relationship “ now.

[Hollyj]

No one should ever be going through your phone. Why have you allowed this? What is "hu?"

 

Your bf is insecure , emotionally abusive and a bully. Kick him out! He will not change. This should have ended the first time he went through your phone!

 

Get rid of this creep! You should also seek counseling to understand why you are/were with him.

[boltnrun]

Holly..."hook up"

[Hollyj]

He has zero respect or love for you. You are his emotional punching bag. I would not be surprised if he started being violent.

 

How would you advise your friends, if they were being treated this way?

[Hollyj]

Holly..."hook up"

 

Thanks.......

[Lambert]

As others have said, this is typical abuser behavior and you, unfortunately are being abused.

 

Get out of this situation. Call his bluff, let him leave and when he does change the locks.

 

That whole tirade about only listen to him and he'll judge you... come on, you deserve better than this bully

 

And telling you not to talk to your family or friends, thats just to break those ties, so you will truly be alone, with no support for him to further abuse you.

 

Once you get away from him, learn what these red flags really mean. Find a guy that follows your same ideas... meaning the ability to have platonic relationships with members of the opposite sex.

 

I have found guys that dont think its possible, are the same guys that only see women as objects. Its hard to hear but thats what you are to him-- a possession, an object to be controlled.

 

It may be easy to be flattered at first... you think they care so much, I am so special to him... but its not you at all. its him. He'll do with anyone that lets him.

 

get away now.... its inly going to get worse for you

[melancholy123]

He's the one who is insecure.

 

What an a%%hole, get him out of your house, change the locks, block and delete from your social media, phone, change your phone # to be doubly sure he cant contact you. I cant believe you are putting up with this, get a backbone and remove him today from your life. He is a controlling abuser. No therapy will fix him unless and until he realizes HE is the one with the problem not you.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Why was it long distance? He sounds like a possessive control creep. Immediately tell All your friends and family what is going on. Never allow an abuser to isolate and blackmail you. Get rid of him and research "red flags for abuse".

He never wanted me to have guy friends, but it was long distance.

I woke up and hes looking through my phone and all my messages and starts freaking out.

He wouldnt give me my phone back

I couldn't even use my phone all night and he woke me up yelling at me at 5 am

I'm on here because he said hell break up with me if i talk to my family and friends so I can't.

Since he found out ive been called retarded, dumb, garbage, morally bankrupt, disgusting etc...

[ninjabib]

This guys a lowlife. End it, block him, move out. Never let him back into your life on any level.

[MissCanuck]

I would break up with him, forever.

 

No therapists. No ifs, ands or buts.

 

Done.

[Cannelle]

OP you really have to think about your safety here.

 

This guy is very abusive. He has NO right to get to your phone let alone refuse giving it back to you. Waking you up in the middle of the night in order to argue and scream at you, trying to cut you off from friends and family are also proof of abuse and emotional violence.

I hate to say this but if you don't get him out of your place, the violence will escalate and he will hit you.

 

Do you fear he will physically abuse you if you kick him out? call the police to have him removed from your place. You might feel scared to do it but believe me, it will be fast and will have the benefit of scarring him. He will not be so keen to stalk you or aggress you once the police is involved.

 

Stay very close to your friends. Ask them to help you. Do not be alone with him when you tell him to leave your place.

[boltnrun]

BTW, abusers are cowards who are terribly afraid of other men. So recruit your brother, your father, your cousin or a trusted male friend to be present when you tell him to get out and to never contact you again. I guarantee he will not pull any of his garbage in front of another man.

 

So, what do you think about the advice you've received? Are you still "hoping"?

 

And it's OK to feel sad or like you "miss" him. It's human nature to bond, but it's wise to cut this particular bond.

[dana12]

I said to go to a therapist because we also had alot of underlying issues with jealousy and stuff and he said you're the underlying issue. He's saying the exact opposite, hes saying i dont respect him and I treat him horribly. Sometimes I am a though I will admit haha. Even though ive never cheated he says i emotionally cheat on him all the time because I have male friends. He made me block every male friend i've ever had at this point. I'm a physics major so it's hard to even meet female friends and I get along better with men. He says he thinks I have aspergers because I don't pick up on social cues and I'm only good at physics and dumb otherwise. He also said that they were never my friends and never cared about me and just wanted to get with me. The thing is hes so nice normally but when he gets really mad and is like that it makes me feel like nothing.

[boltnrun]

Abusers make sure to act "nice" once in a while to keep you bonded to them. It's the price they are willing to pay to get you to keep allowing them to abuse you. Plus it keeps you doubting yourself AND you will keep trying to get the "real him" to come back. However, the abuser IS the real him.

 

Be prepared for him to beg, buy flowers, even cry when you kick him out. That's why it's a good idea to block him or better yet, change your number.

[Wiseman2]

Tell a trusted adult about all this. A family member, a mentor, a professor, a therapist, a doctor, etc. He can not "make you" do anything. Read up on abuse.

He made me block every male friend i've ever had at this point.

He says he thinks I have aspergers because I don't pick up on social cues and I'm only good at physics and dumb otherwise.

The thing is hes so nice normally but when he gets really mad and is like that it makes me feel like nothing.

[Hollyj]

I said to go to a therapist because we also had alot of underlying issues with jealousy and stuff and he said you're the underlying issue. He's saying the exact opposite, hes saying i dont respect him and I treat him horribly. Sometimes I am a though I will admit haha. Even though ive never cheated he says i emotionally cheat on him all the time because I have male friends. He made me block every male friend i've ever had at this point. I'm a physics major so it's hard to even meet female friends and I get along better with men. He says he thinks I have aspergers because I don't pick up on social cues and I'm only good at physics and dumb otherwise. He also said that they were never my friends and never cared about me and just wanted to get with me. The thing is hes so nice normally but when he gets really mad and is like that it makes me feel like nothing.

 

He is a typical abuser. this is who he is. He will not change. He does not love or respect you, and enjoys hurting you. Why are you with someone like this?

 

Have you told your family and friends? Have you actually cut off your family and friends for this Azzhole? Are you that afraid of being alone?

 

Would you want a friend or sibling to go through this?

[boltnrun]

Dana, are you hoping he "changes" so you can stay in this relationship?

[Wiseman2]

Read up on what he is doing: https://youth.gov/youth-topics/teen-dating-violence

[smackie9]

I can't blame him for being jealous, but he should leave the relationship, not punishing you like he is doing...he is not much of a man if he chooses violence/aggression to deal with his relationship problems.

 

Gain some strength and make better decisions for yourself. Leaving volatile situations is your solution.

[DancingFool]

I said to go to a therapist because we also had alot of underlying issues with jealousy and stuff and he said you're the underlying issue. He's saying the exact opposite, hes saying i dont respect him and I treat him horribly. Sometimes I am a though I will admit haha. Even though ive never cheated he says i emotionally cheat on him all the time because I have male friends. He made me block every male friend i've ever had at this point. I'm a physics major so it's hard to even meet female friends and I get along better with men. He says he thinks I have aspergers because I don't pick up on social cues and I'm only good at physics and dumb otherwise. He also said that they were never my friends and never cared about me and just wanted to get with me. The thing is hes so nice normally but when he gets really mad and is like that it makes me feel like nothing.

 

Everything you've described here aren't issues, it's abuse. Pure absolute abuse. You are an intelligent, educated woman. For the love of, leave this psycho today. You have male friends - do they act like this creep? NO. Of all the men out there, you've literally picked the worst low life possible. Also, abusers do not change even if they pretend for a bit. You are dealing with a person who is pathological. He likes what he is doing and everything he is doing and saying is not about you, it's about him getting off on feeling powerful. He beats you up, puts you down, controls you, screams at you - he feels fabulous, high as a kite drunk on his power over you.

 

Only way to stop abuse is to leave the abuser. That's it. Nothing else. He is never going to be different or better.

[goddess]

Whoa!!!!!!! I cannot believe this abusive a**hole. Please read and re-read what DancingFool wrote. This man has some serious control issues. You need to safely get out of this extremely toxic relationship --- NOW!!!!!