Jump to content

Need advice - conflicted heart


ugh2020
 Share

Recommended Posts

Hello, I've been divorced for about 5 years. Met a woman and we've been dating for a little over a year. We are in love and talking about marriage. But...I was made aware of something that has bothered me and I am conflicted as to how I should handle this. A week ago I was updating her phone and there was a text thread between her and another guy that took place at about 2 in the morning. We do not live together (she has young kids) and I was at my home. There were no pictures exchanged but it was a long back and forth about sexual acts with each other - very descriptive and lurid- like I was reading a text from a porn (I don't think I can even say what it was on this forum.) I was mortified. Needless to say I lost my sh&* and confronted her.

 

We had gotten into a little argument the night that she texted him and that was the start of the discussion. She told me that she had taken an Ambian and didn't even remember doing it. This guy lives in another state. They were friends when he lived here as far as I know and they never had a relationship. I ended the relationship right then. However, she texted him later and apologized to him that she made a mistake, etc. She sent me screenshots as proof I guess. She continued to reach out to me, apologizing profusely and asking for me to forgive her and get back together. After I cooled off, we talked and we got back together (love is forgiving I guess)

 

My problem is that I cannot get passed it. When I'm with her I just keep thinking about it. Why would she do this? Why him? That sort of thing - and of course the actual content of the texts. I'm just not sure if I can get passed it. Was I fool to even get back with her? Should I just walk away? Totally confused.

 

Thank you

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First off I'm sorry that your going through this how utterly awful, upsetting and disappointing. As for taking a sedative and not remembering writing a sexually explicit text is complete BS. That's just to ease her guilt and making pathetic excuses rather than accept what she's done. Ultimately if you can't get beyond this it's the end. Personally I couldn't trust someone not to do this again. To write out all those intimate details to another man clearly shows a desire to do them in my mind. I would have to end it and conclude that that's not the type of person I want in my life. Furthermore will this the kind of thing that she turns to everytime you have a disagreement about something or have to face up to challenging times.

Edited by Danmarko
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear this. You did the right thing ending it. Certainly a lot of red flags to think about. Sexting, takes benzos, uses that as the excuse, blames your argument, etc. It's not really something you should "get past". She is not who you thought she was.

it was a long back and forth about sexual acts with each other - very descriptive and lurid- like I was reading a text from a porn

 

She told me that she had taken an Ambian and didn't even remember doing it.

 

I ended the relationship right then. I'm just not sure if I can get passed it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Whether she's taken whatever or not her behaviour is unacceptable. As mentioned, lots of red flags here.

 

More importantly the trust between the 2 of you is now completely broken as you stated yourself. You cannot get past it, nor should you try too.

 

Wish her well, end it and block.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Having the state of consciousness to be able to text with clear sentences and ongoing sexting and yet not aware what you're doing or no recollection of it? You're quite naive to believe this nonsense. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Secrets have a way of coming out, whether it be coincidence or your guardian angels at work to notify you that you're with is someone you shouldn't be with. Love is irrelevant if there are dealbreakers. This would be a dealbreaker to me. If it's not to you, you deserve the consequences that will once again fall on your head like a ton of bricks.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This reminds me of my ex, it was his birthday and he told me he wouldn't be spending it with me but with "friends" instead. I asked him who would be there and he said "I don't know, I won't know until I get there." Ridiculous, he was spending it with one of his other girlfriends but I guess he couldn't find a better lie. Stupid me just said "OK", then I attempted to spy on him with drive bys later that night. Waste of time.

 

I know Ambien does have some strange side effects, but this is the first time I've heard of Ambien-inducted sexting.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You're conflicted because your actions do not match your true feelings.

 

Dump this user.

 

Do you deserve to be with someone that doesnt use a fight as an excuse to sext another man?

 

Yes.

 

Does she really need the excuse of fighting with you to sext another guy?

 

Only when she gets caught.

 

Is it disrespectful behavior on both counts?

 

Yes

 

How about treating you like a dumb donkey and blaming it an Ambien?

 

Yes

 

Do you like being used until other state guy or some other dude comes along?

 

No

 

Are my questions offending you and making you mad at her? or me?

 

I hope so, bc this is BS!

 

See this woman for who and what she is. Own your part in it. Mainly just wanting to believe in your woman and relationship. There's no shame in that, we all want to be loved and with someone we love.

 

You're getting into trouble by not listening to yourself. You know what you have to....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You're conflicted because your actions do not match your true feelings.

 

Dump this user.

 

Do you deserve to be with someone that doesnt use a fight as an excuse to sext another man?

 

Yes.

 

Does she really need the excuse of fighting with you to sext another guy?

 

Only when she gets caught.

 

Is it disrespectful behavior on both counts?

 

Yes

 

How about treating you like a dumb donkey and blaming it an Ambien?

 

Yes

 

Do you like being used until other state guy or some other dude comes along?

 

No

 

Are my questions offending you and making you mad at her? or me?

 

I hope so, bc this is BS!

 

See this woman for who and what she is. Own your part in it. Mainly just wanting to believe in your woman and relationship. There's no shame in that, we all want to be loved and with someone we love.

 

You're getting into trouble by not listening to yourself. You know what you have to....

 

Thank you. Very good points.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do you mind me asking about the nature of your disagreements or fights?

 

I'm more wary of your disagreements. It doesn't make sense to me to think so badly of her or assume that she wasn't under the influence of those pills. You obviously care about her and that disagreement during that period upset her a lot.

 

Stay even about it and think about what's causing issues between the both of you and level with her. I'd say do it for yourself and be honest about any issues between the both of you especially if either of you have an avoidant personality or either or both of you don't like conflict. The pills and the distraction (other guy) are signals of underlying deeper issues or conflict that perhaps both of you haven't had time (this is still relatively new for a relationship at just over a year) or haven't taken the time (busy, not wanting to rock the boat etc) to work out.

 

I'm not saying to stay in a place where you are unhappy. Just think things through a bit more. I'd personally need to understand everything a bit more to initiate a break up aside from just feeling queasy over a scenario that I may have also contributed to. It is ok if you find both of you may not be compatible in the long run.

Edited by Rose Mosse
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do you mind me asking about the nature of your disagreements or fights?

 

I'm more wary of your disagreements. It doesn't make sense to me to think so badly of her or assume that she wasn't under the influence of those pills. You obviously care about her and that disagreement during that period upset her a lot.

 

Stay even about it and think about what's causing issues between the both of you and level with her. I'd say do it for yourself and be honest about any issues between the both of you especially if either of you have an avoidant personality or either or both of you don't like conflict. The pills and the distraction (other guy) are signals of underlying deeper issues or conflict that perhaps both of you haven't had time (this is still relatively new for a relationship at just over a year) or haven't taken the time (busy, not wanting to rock the boat etc) to work out.

 

I'm not saying to stay in a place where you are unhappy. Just think things through a bit more. I'd personally need to understand everything a bit more to initiate a break up aside from just feeling queasy over a scenario that I may have also contributed to. It is ok if you find both of you may not be compatible in the long run.

I have no problem with confronting someone with any issues. The argument was just a misunderstanding between us but she also told me that she had a bad day with her children with homeschooling, discipline, etc. . It was nothing major. We talked about that. She has 3 children and shares custody with ex. When she does not have the children, I am with her. So, I do not believe anything physical has happened with anyone. According to her, she took the meds and had some wine (not good) and we talked about that. She apologized and told me it never happened before and will never happen again. She said that she loved me and only wanted to be with me. I think it's on me to get past it. My self esteem went out the window. I'm not sure that there are any underlying issues. There may be and we will talk about it. As far as the bedroom is concerned, she seems satisfied. I do love her it's just that was a tough thing to see.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think marriage is a very serious thing and when people marry, it's with the mindset of "til death do us part". Of course you don't actually know how long the marriage will last. But you hope it'll last as long as possible/forever. There needs to be trust in a relationship, especially a marriage. How can you trust your girlfriend after she did this? I think she's lying to you too because even if under the influence of these things, she shouldn't have been messaging this other guy. I like to drink quite a few glasses of wine but I never started doing this when I was in a relationship.

 

Also she ran to another guy just because you had an argument. This is obviously how she deals with conflict. She just starts talking very sexually explicitly with another man. And next time she actually might take it further and have actual sex with someone else. This is all not good at all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think marriage is a very serious thing and when people marry, it's with the mindset of "til death do us part". Of course you don't actually know how long the marriage will last. But you hope it'll last as long as possible/forever. There needs to be trust in a relationship, especially a marriage. How can you trust your girlfriend after she did this? I think she's lying to you too because even if under the influence of these things, she shouldn't have been messaging this other guy. I like to drink quite a few glasses of wine but I never started doing this when I was in a relationship.

 

Also she ran to another guy just because you had an argument. This is obviously how she deals with conflict. She just starts talking very sexually explicitly with another man. And next time she actually might take it further and have actual sex with someone else. This is all not good at all.

 

I agree wholeheartedly about marriage and TRUST. I don't buy the 'I was under the influence of nonsense'. The texts were very lucid. If you were under the influence of something, they wouldn't have been.

 

The fact that we had a disagreement and she had a bad day and then went to another man to have this kind of conversation is what's tearing me apart. I don't think she randomly picked a male friend and started this conversation. It was definitely intentional. I asked her if she had conversations like that with him or anyone else before and she said no, Of course, I do not believe her. The conversation was 'too perfect' for it to be an on the spot thing. If that makes sense.

 

I think perhaps, it's time to cut my losses and just walk away.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've sent texts while under the influence of anesthesia and pain killers and the texts made zero sense. Most of them left off mid sentence and others had a multitude of misspellings.

 

If the texts were coherent, made sense and/or included pics, she was not that high.

 

I agree, this will be stuck in your head forever and will impact the relationship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You're conflicted because your actions do not match your true feelings.

 

Dump this user.

 

Do you deserve to be with someone that doesnt use a fight as an excuse to sext another man?

 

Yes.

 

Does she really need the excuse of fighting with you to sext another guy?

 

Only when she gets caught.

 

Is it disrespectful behavior on both counts?

 

Yes

 

How about treating you like a dumb donkey and blaming it an Ambien?

 

Yes

 

Do you like being used until other state guy or some other dude comes along?

 

No

 

Are my questions offending you and making you mad at her? or me?

 

I hope so, bc this is BS!

 

See this woman for who and what she is. Own your part in it. Mainly just wanting to believe in your woman and relationship. There's no shame in that, we all want to be loved and with someone we love.

 

You're getting into trouble by not listening to yourself. You know what you have to....

 

Thank you Lambert. You are absolutely correct, I felt that maybe because I was in love I could get passed it but the more I thought about it, the more it sounded like a bunch of BS. She got called out and had to think of an excuse. What if I didn't call her out? What then? More of the texting or even worse?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you Lambert. You are absolutely correct, I felt that maybe because I was in love I could get passed it but the more I thought about it, the more it sounded like a bunch of BS. She got called out and had to think of an excuse. What if I didn't call her out? What then? More of the texting or even worse?
exactly....

 

This probably isn't her first offense, just the first time she got caught.

 

In my life, I've definitely let things go unseen or unnoticed bc I wanted the relationship to work. Once the rose colored glasses fell off, I'd kick myself. When you finally see a person for who they actually are, as opposed to what you want them to be, its clear a day.

 

My biggest advice in life is to acknowledge that the world is full of people, places, and opportunities, if your situation isn't working for you, change it. jobs, relationship, community, family, WHATEVER it is, you can change it by letting it go, walking away, opening the door and walking through it.

 

That knowledge that you are not a tree, you are not stuck, is everything.

 

If you can get one girlfriend, you can get another. see the writing in the wall. there's no shame in ending a situation where you are not being treated well.

 

There is shame to bear when you allow yourself to be treated poorly. And that is what you will have to recover and heal from in the end of this. because it will end...

 

If you end it now, you will gain your self respect back. You will find better. You will be happy again...

 

if you tolerate this behavior. However, it will be much further into the future and have a much greater cost.

 

Be proud that your gut is sticking up for you and telling you the truth.... you can stand up for yourself.... you can do better. you know it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • Adultery - the New Monogamy?
      Adultery is the Future of Marriage? The ancient institution of monogamous marriage is ill-suited to the exigencies of modern Western civilization. People of both genders live and work longer (which renders sexual exclusivity impracticable); travel far and away frequently; and are exposed to tempting romantic alternatives via social networking and in various workplace and social settings. As leisure time increases and physical survival is all but effortlessly guaranteed, recreation takes precedence over procreation.

       
      • 0 replies
    • Healing the Child Within
      In today’s episode of The Terri Cole Show, you are in for a treat. I am interviewing a new pal, his name is Nate Postlethwait, but you may know him as @nate_postlethwait on Instagram.

       
      • 0 replies
    • How to Sort Your Life Out | Self Improvement
      This video is about how to sort your life out. There are four important things you need to do to sort your life out ASAP.

       
      • 0 replies
    • Triggers
      You may be tempted to deal with your triggers by avoiding everything or everyone that triggers you. Although that will help you feel better in the moment, it will make life a lot harder for you over all. Instead, here's an emotionally intelligent way of managing your triggers that will help you a lot more.

       
      • 0 replies
    • No Intimacy Without Personal Boundaries (Q&A)
      The ability to thrive in intimacy is inextricably linked to the capacity to maintain and enforce personal boundaries. In personality disordered patients, both are sorely compromised.

       
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...