Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Hi all,

 

So I want to share my personal relationship story. I am seeking some re-assurance/opinions/advice from people here on this, please be as honest as you can.

 

I am male, age 30, live in Sydney Australia.

 

So, for the last approx. 8 months I have been in a relationship with this guy (same-sex relationship). We met and hit it off right-away. The relationship moved quite fast and we progressively spent more and more time together. There was never any intervals when we didn't see each other for more 3 days. It was very passionate between us and unlike the stereotype with most gay relationships ours was not sex-obsessed and based. Sure we had sex and fun like that, but we connected very strongly on a mental and emotional level as well. I remember on one occasion I had a stomach-ache and couldn't sleep. He stayed up all night worrying about me, making me tea and then another tea, and then wiping my head with a wet towel - stayed up all night worrying about me. We went travelling together and had a really good time and memories. To be honest I never had a relationship that went for this long. I started to picture a life together with him (and sometimes I still do). We moved in together about 4 months after we met.

 

Despite all that, the thing with my partner (or ex-partner) is that he has a problem with anger management and can lose it quite quickly. He also gets excessively jealous of me when I have my attention on someone else like if I text anyone else for a length of time even friends of mine that are not gay. These were always the source of our problems but we both tried to work and compromise together. On a couple of occasions he jabbed me, slapped me on the face and pulled my ears quite hard.

 

My partner (or ex-partner) is from overseas and in Australia on temporary visa. A couple of months ago I decided that we probably needed to re-evaluate our relationship, maybe spend some time apart or end it. I brought up this conversation with him on the morning of the day he was meant to fly back to his home country for a visit. I figured if we break up on that day he can just pack up everything and leave for his home country and not having to relocate somewhere else.

 

But he did not take it well at all. He completely lost his temper, said to me – 'How dare you leave me?' and 'You have no right to break up with me as I have based all my life plans around you now'. He got violent with me, grabbed one of those old-fashioned wooden coat-hangers and whacked me hard with it several times on my legs, torso, arms and back – he hit me quite hard he even broke the hanger which was quite thick. Anyway it was not anything life threatening – a few bruises and red marks which all healed within a week.

 

So he's been back in his home country for the last 3 months, however since then I have re-engaged with him over video and app messenger, and kinda gotten back with him (but I am not sure mentally). He has repeatedly apologised for what he did to me and cries a river when I bring up the subject because of how sorry he is.

 

He intends to come back to Australia on a new visa to continue the relationship with me.

The thing is that the idea of him coming back to Australia and being around him scares me and fills me with dread and anxiety. I'm fine to talk to him virtually but physically being with him I feel very nervous about that.

 

I am bigger than him physically and could have fought back last time but I didn't, I decided to it was better to de-escalate the situation. But despite this, I am still very concerned that he has violent tendencies like this. My concern is what if next time he has a knife in front of him and stabs me or something like that – I don't think he intends to do it but he completely loses it when he gets angry.

 

This really concerns me. Part of me thinks that maybe he's become more mature since then and I've seen some fruits of that but then again I'm observing this virtually, if I'm in his presence again he may revert back to his old self.

 

I suppose my questions are, are my fears warranted? Could this relationship be salvageable? And/or should I just completely forget about him (which is much easier said than done)?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome to ENA. That relationship sounds very scary. I am sorry. I don't think you should continue it. If he's gotten violent like this, it's best to break it off. This is often what happens in abusive relationships - they can be very nice and charming but they can also be vicious. I am not based in australia but I think it would be a good idea to contact a domestic violence hotline and perhaps they can give you tips on how to leave him. Please be very careful. It is good that he is back in his home country, but it is scary that he said that you have no right to break up with him as he has made his plans around you. That's scary. You're your own person, you are not his possession. You can call off the relationship at any time, I am concerned for you how angry he got. And like you said, what if he had a knife close to him instead of a coat hanger??? yikes.

 

hugs. Hang in there, please call a domestic abuse hotline.

Link to post
Share on other sites
He got violent with me, grabbed one of those old-fashioned wooden coat-hangers and whacked me hard with it several times on my legs, torso, arms and back – he hit me quite hard he even broke the hanger which was quite thick. Anyway it was not anything life threatening – a few bruises and red marks which all healed within a week.

 

Bruises, red marks and being whacked quite hard several times with a wooden coat-hanger are signs of violence. Violence is not acceptable!!

 

Stay away from this guy, stop all contact with him and protect yourself!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Omg I don"t know you but feel so bad for what happened to you...

" just a few bruises ... that healed in a week" ?? How come you care so little about your wellbeing and your safety? Of course you feel scared and anxious to see him: That"s the smart , healthy part of you screaming for your attention. It's your gut feeling , trying to protect you. I hope you are going to listen to that part of you...

 

When someone disrespect you and attacks you like he did, it shows you that this is the way they function in life. Those behaviors don't change in a few months or even years.

He assaulted you, you didn't fight back. You did the opposite: you forgave him and abandoned your idea of breaking up with him. So now he knows that physical violence works with you. It will happen again. Read on the cycle of physical violence. The abuser cries , buy gifts and calm down ...until the other person does something to upset him again...

 

Don't feel guilty about wanting to break up him. Sure you will miss part of him but this guy is not relationship material. I hope you won't let him come back to your house. You are not his therapist. It's not your job to teach him how to be respectful.

Your job is to protect your self and do what you need to make you happy.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with the others. Please take care of yourself. There are also resources out there - try looking for resources in your local neighbourhood for domestic violence and breaking the cycle. If you've witnessed or been around physical and mental abuse before in your life, you may have been conditioned at some point into believing it's normal. The short period you were with this person may have already conditioned you. Don't stand for this. Be strong. Start forming new ways of doing things and seek local help and a support group even if you don't have access to therapy or other help.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This guy is dangerous. He will not change.

 

What do your friends and family say? Would you want the same for one of your friends or siblings?

 

Have you been in other abusive relationships, as you are questioning the behavior and reconciliation?

 

You need to cut him off permanently. Stop the contact and block him.

 

Contact an abuse hotline. When the shutdown lifts, I highly recommend counseling.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Irrespective of whatever gender relationship one is in, violence and abuse is never acceptable.

Sometimes we put up with it for a number of reasons however you just can't tolerate it.

You need to cut all ties with this person, he sounds horrible, get rid of him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Bruises, red marks and being whacked quite hard several times with a wooden coat-hanger are signs of violence. Violence is not acceptable!!

 

And not even just signs of violence - this is violence.

 

Greendots (and everyone else here) is right. This man is dangerous to you. He's an abuser, full-stop, and you can bet it will not get better if you reconcile. It will get worse as he attempts to isolate and control you even more. The tears are manipulative, meant to make you feel sorry for him so he can get you back under his thumb. Don't buy it. He sure didn't care when he was beating you, did he?

 

Stay the hell away from him. Look into some resources for yourself to help strengthen your own boundaries so you run from this behaviour at the first sign of it in the future. You deserve to be loved, and well, this ain't love.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

The first time he jabbed you or slapped you was already physical violence and abuse. You should have walked away from this immediately, the second that happened. Since you didn't, as you can see for yourself, the violence has escalated to where he literally beat the crap out of you with a wooden hanger, left bruises and marks and so on. This WILL continue to escalate in violence until you find yourself in the hospital or the morgue. Please cut all contact right now.

 

As for the "good" parts that you describe. This relationship has been a giant red flag from day one. The whole moving so fast, spending so much time together, feeling like you are such a match - that's all a giant con done consciously and intentionally by every single abuser ever. They observe you and quickly figure out your likes and dislikes and mirror them back to you. While you feel close because of it, everything he is doing is fake and calculated to make you attach. They also figure out your weaknesses, soft spots - like maybe it's not all purely sexual so you'll value that bit more. For him it's all about usurping your life and control, but also abuse is pathological. He will beat you for any reason or no reason at all. If he tells you to never wear jeans again and you obey, next time he'll beat you just for looking at a pair, another time he'll beat you because he thinks you were thinking about wearing jeans. You can never control or please or appease a pathological individual and there is no cure for their pathology. At the heart of it, they actually enjoy doing what they do and find weak targets who will put up with it.

 

Also, please google cycle of abuse to help you grasp better what you are dealing with. What's stopping you from leaving is actually hope that somehow magically he'll be a good person with someone else. Please understand that he was born an abuser and he will die an abuser. These people do not change. Never ever. Not possible.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I really hope you're not just excusing his behaviour because you're both guys....If a close female friend of yours or your sister or something told you her partner was beating her, what advice would you give to her? How can you minimize the fact that your boyfriend physically abuses you? "Just a few bruises". You should have NO bruises from your partner! It is not normal to hit your partner! Even if someone only pushed their partner or slapped lightly, the intensity of it doesn't matter. This is physical violence and yes you are in a violent relationship. You are scared of him for a good reason. He's an emotional and physical abuser. He's trying to take you away from your friends too, which is what abusers do. Please don't go back to him! He's only going to continue to emotionally and physically hurt you. You can call a family violence support service too. Don't get back together with him! Your relationship is toxic and abusive.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks folks, really appreciate your comments.

 

I guess it's not easy to cut him out completely and block him. Last time I tried doing that about 3 weeks ago, he sent me an email saying he was going to kill himself. He then sent me a video message of himself on top of his apartment building (about 25 levels up) and said he will throw himself off if I didn't respond to him. That freaked me out and then I messaged him. He has said on numerous occasions that he would suicide if I left him and that I'm his whole world. I know many don't actually carry out such threat but I think this guy is emotionally unstable and broken enough on the inside to actually do it. And if he doesn't respond or try to contact me again, I think he may have done it and I will be carrying that guilt forever. If he never met me he would be fine.

 

I don't want anything bad to happen to him, I really don't. It agonizes me that he may do something like that.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks folks, really appreciate your comments.

 

I guess it's not easy to cut him out completely and block him. Last time I tried doing that about 3 weeks ago, he sent me an email saying he was going to kill himself. He then sent me a video message of himself on top of his apartment building (about 25 levels up) and said he will throw himself off if I didn't respond to him. That freaked me out and then I messaged him. He has said on numerous occasions that he would suicide if I left him and that I'm his whole world. I know many don't actually carry out such threat but I think this guy is emotionally unstable and broken enough on the inside to actually do it. And if he doesn't respond or try to contact me again, I think he may have done it and I will be carrying that guilt forever. If he never met me he would be fine.

 

I don't want anything bad to happen to him, I really don't. It agonizes me that he may do something like that.

 

That is severe emotional abuse. You call his family and his local police and hang up.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Next time he does that tell him you are very concerned and are calling the police so they can get him the help he needs.

 

You'll find out really quick if he's truly suicidal or if he's manipulating you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
You call his family and his local police and hang up.

 

I don't know any of his family and/or friends and have no contact details. He's in China so in terms of police/authorities I wouldn't even know where to start on that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I don't know any of his family and/or friends and have no contact details. He's in China so in terms of police/authorities I wouldn't even know where to start on that.

 

It doesn’t matter this is still severe emotional abuse . Block him everywhere.

Link to post
Share on other sites

While he is in his own country, I would use this opprtunity to completely block, delete, ghost, change locks, MOVE!

 

I'm very sorry this happened but he is a monster. Abusing you and then further manipulating you with threats of suicide. None of this is your fault or responsibility.

 

Run away from this guy and don't look back!

Link to post
Share on other sites

You're 100 % NOT responsible for him potentially taking his life. I've had those threats thrown at me in past relationships too, I know how horrible it feels! But again you aren't responsible for him, his mental health, or anything he might do. That falls on him and no matter what he does/says/blames on you - it's got NOTHING to do with you. Your health and mental well being should be your number one priority. This guy is not only emotionally abusive but physically and that's not something that will change, ever. People just don't change who they are at their core. It only intensifies with age. Any change will be temporary and not genuine. You don't deserve to be treated the way he treats you. I know how hard it is to move on in situations like this but you will absolutely thank yourself in the long run. Take care of yourself

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...