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It's been roughly 6 months since my breakup with my ex of 4 years. There is still a lot I feel I've left unsaid and wonder if it would be okay of me to send a message/email/letter of apology. She is in a relationship and the apology is NOT for reconciliation. I just want to take responsibility for my actions that I've realized through constant thinking in isolation were not right or considerate of me. I've learned I need to change certain aspects of myself to make the next relationship work, and I feel the first step is this but I'm unsure. I expect no reply from her which is fine.

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Hmmm, this is a tough one. I suppose you could write a letter to lessen the burden of guilt (or whatever else it might be) that you feel. Four years is a long time. She might feel better knowing that you are taking responsibility for your actions, for whatever it's worth.

 

Better still, why not write a letter and get your thoughts down on paper (do NOT send it). Let it sit for a while (perhaps a couple of weeks or so) and then read it, and see how you feel.

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Out of respect for her new boyfriend and her new relationship with him, you should leave well enough alone. You had your chance and you messed up the first time. Unfortunately, life doesn't always give you second chances to demonstrate remorse and regrets. What's done is done and if you truly cared for her, you would leave her alone, let her heal, recover and move on without you. When you contact her, you'll only dredge up painful memories while she is truly trying to move on without any contact from you whatsoever.

 

Writing to her will only mess with her head. Don't become an unnecessary distraction. If you're truly remorseful, regretful and care for her, let her live her life WITHOUT you nor any reminders of you. Give her permanent space, time and respect. Allow her to enjoy her new life with her new boyfriend and new relationship. Stay out of her life. Act like a classy gentleman and yield graciously. Exercise discretion.

 

I've had people from my past who've tested me sorely to the point of being so mean and cruel. If they were to apologize to me now, it wouldn't make any difference. Sure, a small part of me would accept their apology if it were sincere but in order for me to really heal and recover from that type of hurt, pain, anguish, turmoil and distress they had caused me, I really don't want anything to do with them anymore for the rest of my life. I want to leave the past behind and walk away from it. I don't want the past to continue to haunt me and this is what you would be doing should you contact your ex-girlfriend now. I don't wish to be bothered. Your ex-girlfriend doesn't want to be bothered so don't bother her.

 

I say leave her alone. All you can do is become a better man for your next relationship. Learn from your past mistakes and then realize your previous relationship was not all in vain. Harsh lessons were learned for you. This will be your key takeaway.

 

If you decide to write a sincere, very remorseful apology to her, be prepared for any scenario. She could either reply in a civil manner or act passive aggressively by ignoring, ghosting, blocking and deleting you. Keep your apology brief and after that, no more. Don't go back 'n forth with texting (or emailing). Bow out and make your PERMANENT exit diplomatically and politely from correspondence. It's more for your conscience and closure.

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Out of respect for her new boyfriend and her new relationship with him, you should leave well enough alone. You had your chance and you messed up the first time. Unfortunately, life doesn't always give you second chances to demonstrate remorse and regrets. What's done is done and if you truly cared for her, you would leave her alone, let her heal, recover and move on without you. When you contact her, you'll only dredge up painful memories while she is truly trying to move on without any contact from you whatsoever.

 

Writing to her will only mess with her head. Don't become an unnecessary distraction. If you're truly remorseful, regretful and care for her, let her live her life WITHOUT you nor any reminders of you. Give her permanent space, time and respect. Allow her to enjoy her new life with her new boyfriend and new relationship. Stay out of her life. Act like a classy gentleman and yield graciously. Exercise discretion.

 

I've had people from my past who've tested me sorely to the point of being so mean and cruel. If they were to apologize to me now, it wouldn't make any difference. Sure, a small part of me would accept their apology if it were sincere but in order for me to really heal and recover from that type of hurt, pain, anguish, turmoil and distress they had caused me, I really don't want anything to do with them anymore for the rest of my life. I want to leave the past behind and walk away from it. I don't want the past to continue to haunt me and this is what you would be doing should you contact your ex-girlfriend now. I don't wish to be bothered. Your ex-girlfriend doesn't want to be bothered so don't bother her.

 

I say leave her alone. All you can do is become a better man for your next relationship. Learn from your past mistakes and then realize your previous relationship was not all in vain. Harsh lessons were learned for you. This will be your key takeaway.

 

I totally get how you feel, Cherylyn, but personally, I would love for my ex to send me an apology of some sort (he wanted a divorce). I believe, in my case, it would bring me closure. I don't want anything to do with him anymore either, unless it's something to do with my kids. I'd be OK if I never saw him again but I sincerely would feel better if he sent an apology.

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You knew your ex to some degree. Do you think the gesture would be something that brought her peace? Or are you trying to find a way to worm your way back into her head, because there is some amount of jealousy that she is with someone new? if you're doing it for you, I agree with Cherylyn. I would leave it well alone and focus on forgiving yourself, moving on, and doing better next time. Your ex will find her own peace and closure, and possibly already has. The damage is done and the risk of doing more damage with the action is not worth whatever potential benefits could occur.

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She's pregnant, expecting a baby with her boyfriend. I really don't think she would welcome an "apology" letter.

 

Usually when someone would welcome such a letter it's because they still have feelings (i.e., are still in love with) their ex. Those who have moved on generally don't want letters and wouldn't respond.

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Hmmm, this is a tough one. I suppose you could write a letter to lessen the burden of guilt (or whatever else it might be) that you feel. Four years is a long time. She might feel better knowing that you are taking responsibility for your actions, for whatever it's worth.

 

Better still, why not write a letter and get your thoughts down on paper (do NOT send it). Let it sit for a while (perhaps a couple of weeks or so) and then read it, and see how you feel.

 

Your first statement was my first thought. I've also written a letter a couple months ago though reading it now makes it feel too lengthy and distasteful.

 

 

Out of respect for her new boyfriend and her new relationship with him, you should leave well enough alone. You had your chance and you messed up the first time ... When you contact her, you'll only dredge up painful memories while she is truly trying to move on without any contact from you whatsoever.

 

I've had people from my past who've tested me sorely to the point of being so mean and cruel.

 

Learn from your past mistakes and then realize your previous relationship was not all in vain. Harsh lessons were learned for you. This will be your key takeaway.

 

If you decide to write a sincere, very remorseful apology to her, be prepared for any scenario. Bow out and make your PERMANENT exit diplomatically and politely from correspondence. It's more for your conscience and closure.

 

I think you're right about bringing up painful memories, good and bad. Although I don't think what I did was so mean or cruel, she might see it as such. I'm doing my best to take the relationship as a lesson, it's just left me really unsure of a lot. The plan was to write a letter to finalize my feelings of remorse as I truly do care for her a lot, but as you and others have said, I need to let her be happy without me because that's the decision she made.

 

Do you think the gesture would be something that brought her peace? Or are you trying to find a way to worm your way back into her head, because there is some amount of jealousy that she is with someone new? if you're doing it for you, I agree with Cherylyn. I would leave it well alone and focus on forgiving yourself, moving on, and doing better next time. Your ex will find her own peace and closure, and possibly already has. The damage is done and the risk of doing more damage with the action is not worth whatever potential benefits could occur.

 

I also think Cherylyn is right. I'm not at all trying to worm my way back into her head, I just wanted to apologize for my wrong doings, to let her know she wasn't in the wrong, for whatever that's worth. I'm not trying to be selfish, but maybe that's what I'm being.

 

She's pregnant, expecting a baby with her boyfriend. I really don't think she would welcome an "apology" letter.

 

Usually when someone would welcome such a letter it's because they still have feelings (i.e., are still in love with) their ex. Those who have moved on generally don't want letters and wouldn't respond.

 

I see your point. I'll leave her alone.

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You seem pretty insightful. As others have pointed out, it depends on what your intention is.

 

Is it merely an attempt to make yourself feel better? If so, that's on you to work through. Write the letter, but dont send it.

 

Unless you can say with complete certainty that your letter and apology would be welcomed, don't send it.

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I think you're right about bringing up painful memories, good and bad. Although I don't think what I did was so mean or cruel, she might see it as such. I'm doing my best to take the relationship as a lesson, it's just left me really unsure of a lot. The plan was to write a letter to finalize my feelings of remorse as I truly do care for her a lot, but as you and others have said, I need to let her be happy without me because that's the decision she made.

 

I also think Cherylyn is right. I'm not at all trying to worm my way back into her head, I just wanted to apologize for my wrong doings, to let her know she wasn't in the wrong, for whatever that's worth. I'm not trying to be selfish, but maybe that's what I'm being.

 

 

 

I see your point. I'll leave her alone.

 

Your heart is in the right place, you have a conscience and you feel remorseful which I commend you for. A lot of men or people regardless of gender have zero conscience, they're in denial nor would they ever care to apologize in a million years. You are the former and not the latter. I laud you for your integrity. However, there is a time and place for it and this is not the time nor place for it.

 

If you wrote to her, you will indeed be worming back into her head and would you want to cause unnecessary drama in her life while she is pregnant and about to become a new mother? :eek: Don't disrupt her life by reentering it where you're not welcome. Respect her new life even though you want the last word.

 

Take your remorseful feelings and apply them to how you will intelligently navigate your future interactions or relationship. You are intelligent for leaving her alone. Respect and honor her from afar. When you do this, everyone can heal and move forward. Best to you, JakeJakerson.

Edited by Cherylyn
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I totally get how you feel, Cherylyn, but personally, I would love for my ex to send me an apology of some sort (he wanted a divorce). I believe, in my case, it would bring me closure. I don't want anything to do with him anymore either, unless it's something to do with my kids. I'd be OK if I never saw him again but I sincerely would feel better if he sent an apology.

 

I respect how you feel and what your personal preference is, goddess.

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It's been roughly 6 months since my breakup with my ex of 4 years. There is still a lot I feel I've left unsaid and wonder if it would be okay of me to send a message/email/letter of apology. She is in a relationship and the apology is NOT for reconciliation. I just want to take responsibility for my actions that I've realized through constant thinking in isolation were not right or considerate of me. I've learned I need to change certain aspects of myself to make the next relationship work, and I feel the first step is this but I'm unsure. I expect no reply from her which is fine.

 

I'd let it go. Another way of accepting and taking responsibility for your actions is in understanding that your actions have an effect on others. Sending someone who's moved on with another person in another relationship a letter isn't fair to the other person or their partner. I feel this would be a test in what you've just learned.

 

You can take that apology in your heart and turn it into good actions and good thoughts towards new people you meet. Turn the sadness you feel into something positive and recycle that emotion or feeling of unfinished business. I think the kindest thing you can do is move forwards yourself and live your life well.

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Any unfinished business, unresolved feelings etc are yours to sort out, not something to inflict on her. Journalling, therapy, talking to trusted friends, family, etc and starting to date again would help you move forward a lot more than sending a letter.

 

Of course it will keep you wondering. Did she get it? Will she respond? How will she respond? Will she show it to her bf? Will they laugh at it? Will she get a restraining or cease and desist order?

There is still a lot I feel I've left unsaid and wonder if it would be okay of me to send a message/email/letter of apology. She is in a relationship
There is a thread specifically for this feeling: "Post here instead of contacting your ex!"

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=304069&page=486&p=7216187#post7216187

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Thank you all for your replies.

 

Unless you can say with complete certainty that your letter and apology would be welcomed, don't send it.

 

I can't say that it would be welcomed. I will write, but I won't send it.

 

If you caused some other actual harm to her and never took responsibility then you can own it and offer to make it right. Otherwise just let go man.

 

I would think that emotional harm is actual, but I can't say that it's enough to warrant sending anything to offer to make it right. I'm trying to let it go, and I thank you for replying to another one of my threads. I've thought a lot about what you've told me before but it still hurts like a . Mornings are the worst but I force myself up and go for a walk, no matter the weather.

 

Dont do it. It wont result in anything good. Leave her alone, she's got a new guy, dont cause trouble or problems where none are needed or wanted.

If you wrote to her, you will indeed be worming back into her head and would you want to cause unnecessary drama in her life ... Don't disrupt her life by reentering it where you're not welcome.

 

Take your remorseful feelings and apply them to how you will intelligently navigate your future interactions or relationship ... respect and honor her from afar.

 

I guess I didn't see it as disruptive or unwanted at the time of making this thread. I've always felt that apologies were wanted when one did something to hurt another, physically or emotionally. I see both of your points. It may have been wanted before I realized my actions were flawed, but I'm sure it's not wanted anymore.

 

I'd let it go. Another way of accepting and taking responsibility for your actions is in understanding that your actions have an effect on others. Sending someone who's moved on with another person in another relationship a letter isn't fair to the other person or their partner. I feel this would be a test in what you've just learned.

 

You can take that apology in your heart and turn it into good actions and good thoughts towards new people you meet. Turn the sadness you feel into something positive and recycle that emotion or feeling of unfinished business. I think the kindest thing you can do is move forwards yourself and live your life well.

 

You're right, it wouldn't be fair of me to come between two people who are trying to make it work when it didn't for me. The apology has been written, and as much as I would like to give it to her, I'll keep it to myself and move forward knowing my mistakes and use them to become the person I want and know I can be. Will probably still be making posts though, just not about the ex.

 

Any unfinished business, unresolved feelings etc are yours to sort out, not something to inflict on her. Journalling, therapy, talking to trusted friends, family, etc and starting to date again would help you move forward a lot more than sending a letter.

 

Of course it will keep you wondering. Did she get it? Will she respond? How will she respond? Will she show it to her bf? Will they laugh at it? Will she get a restraining or cease and desist order?

 

There is a thread specifically for this feeling: "Post here instead of contacting your ex!"

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=304069&page=486&p=7216187#post7216187

 

I've been talking to friends and family, it's just to the point that no one knows what to say because everything has been said. I'm doing my best to let it go, it's definitely not an easy feat as many already know. I wish I could flip the switch and just be done with it, but I wouldn't learn anything if I was able to do that. If I did send it, you're right, it would be something else that would keep me chained to the past by wondering those many questions.

 

I used the thread you posted. Writing or typing my thoughts doesn't seem to really help long term, but in the moment I guess it was therapeutic.

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Thank you all for your replies.

 

I guess I didn't see it as disruptive or unwanted at the time of making this thread. I've always felt that apologies were wanted when one did something to hurt another, physically or emotionally. I see both of your points. It may have been wanted before I realized my actions were flawed, but I'm sure it's not wanted anymore.

 

 

 

You're very welcome, JakeJakerson. I am like you in many ways. I too feel remorseful regarding how in my case, a previous very close friendship with an extended family member went awry. I take ownership and responsibility for not handling it better. I could've chosen my words more wisely, I could've not reacted so harshly during a heated argument and both of our emotions clouded our judgements. People who have a conscience have regrets and remorse.

 

Note that other people can very much be in denial mode and would never admit to their wrongdoing but that's okay because it's to be expected. No surprise there.

 

I actually sent a sincerely apologetic email to a cousin who resides 400 miles away from me and she didn't mention whether or not she accepted my apology. She didn't acknowledge whatever I wrote which was disappointing. She told me that she "doesn't have any issues" with me and let me know that she has since moved forward without me in her life. I've accepted her decision and after thinking about it, it was for the best since her personality and character along with her husband are too immoral and worldly for my liking. She and her husband use people. They are sociopaths. We do not share the same integrity values which is problematic.

 

In hindsight, I should've have sent her an apologetic letter. I shouldn't have groveled since it's actually SHE and her husband who owed an apology to my husband and me due to their transgressions which caused the original ire for us in the first place.

 

It's best to let sleeping dogs lie meaning don't live in the past. What's done is done and all you can do is become wiser and handle your future interactions and dynamics more intelligently and peacefully. The only way to heal is to leave everyone alone so you and her can start completely anew.

 

Don't reenter the picture after relationships are over and done with. You're wasting your time and energy.

 

Give her the courtesy and let her enjoy her impending motherhood without you as her distraction which would be disrespectful and inconsiderate.

 

Do some soul searching and work on yourself. This is how wisdom is gained and you won't make the same mistake twice. Live and learn the hard way.

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Correction: "I shouldn't have sent her an apologetic letter (email)." I merely wasted my thoughts on a person who doesn't matter to me anymore. I'm in the mindset where I don't want to be pathetic. If other people are busy enjoying their lives, I want to enjoy mine, too so lately, I've been concentrating and focusing on myself.

 

Other people don't care about you. This a harsh reality check. Get busy fulfilling your life. No more "woe is me" mindset.

 

There are times when I'm extremely busy with my own life and self-absorbed in a healthy way that I'm either too exhausted or I don't have any brain space left for anyone else. Emulate me and you'll feel more content and secure with your life. You ought to try it. It works! :D

 

Obsessing over people from your past only depresses and frets you. They're not worth it. They're not expending any thoughts whatsoever into you so return the favor and do likewise.

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I think it’s never a bad time to take responsibility even if you just say “thank you” as in the experience taught you some lessons. I received a card in the mail from an ex I had broken up with who put me through some things. A letter is less pressure than text or call. Because of that card I was able to put the past behind us and we are now on decent terms if I saw him on the street it wouldn’t be awkward. I say go for it, god forbid something happened would you regret what wasn’t said? Most people do.

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I think it’s never a bad time to take responsibility even if you just say “thank you” as in the experience taught you some lessons ... I say go for it, god forbid something happened. Would you regret what wasn’t said? Most people do.

 

I already regret a lot that wasn't said or done but, as many have already stated, it would be selfish of me to bring up the past where it isn't wanted: between her and her new man. If, for whatever reason, she decides to contact me, maybe then, after some time, I would thank her for the gift of helping me realize I wasn't living my best life before or once we were together. Sure, the breakup has shown me my flaws and shortcomings, but I think the greatest thanks I can show for it is leaving her to her own life without me like she wants.

 

I was the person who showed her that she deserved more than what was given, and all I can do is put the person I was yesterday to shame by being better to myself and someone else. I still can't bring myself to put blame on her for any of the hardships for I was the reason for many of her tears. However, I can at least see that she was an anxious, jealous, and lost soul trying to find her way in the world through someone other than herself which brought about her worries and insecurities that lead to those tears through me.

 

I hope that, in some way, I was able to help her when times were good and that through the bad she realized what was missing within herself.

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