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Hello everyone,

 

I'm going through a breakup. This relationship was a 2 year relationship. I'm 25, and he's almost 27. I thought this was the right guy. However, I do believe he started to change halfway into the relationship....just a little more distant, but then he went back to normal. The major change occurred last October of 2019, when he lost his place and due to his credit, he was struggling to get a new place. So he had to move in back with his parents. He couldn't move in with me because I had roommates. Living with his parents took a toll on him because he's always been on his own since 21 years old. He became soo much more distant and stressed, and I tried to be there for him, motivating him to improve his credit. Every time I brought up why he was distant, he would say because he's stressed, so I tried to just keep everything at peace, but I knew our relationship was going downhill. We were meeting less frequently, he didn't seem as excited anymore. Even when it came to valentine's this year, I told him I didn't want anything after he asked what I want. I told him to save his money to pay debt off. Towards the end of the relationship, he once asked me if he could use my credit to buy a place. I recall my answer was an unsure no because I also want to keep my score right, and that I just didn't want to introduce any financial drama to our situation. However, one day out of the blue, I thought about it and reconsidered this issue. I told him I'll cosign with him and that I didn't mind as long as he paid everything on time. I just really felt this was affecting us in such a negative way, and knew he needed his independence. His response? "noo it's okay actually, it was too much of me to ask you but thank you and I appreciate how you're there for me"...and I said to let me know if he ever changed his mind.

 

Anyway, that was background on his financial side and situation. The issue with us still existed, however. He was still very distant, less affectionate, and we saw each other less. He stopped communicating with me. On April 1st (he thought this was an April Fool's joke) I told him I was unhappy and I can't do this anymore, but that I wanna work on it but that I just felt alone in the relationship. He said I can go and blamed it on me that I felt unsure about him, and said he wanted to go. I told him I loved him, and that his situation is not the problem, it's the way we have been together. But we ended up working it out, or at least I thought. 5 days later, we were supposed to meet, and he gave me an excuse. So I was hurt because it was 2 weeks since we've seen each other that day, and he broke up with me because I was getting all my feelings out, and I got fed up with him cancelling in the last minute. He would wait for me to ask if we were seeing each other....so that's why I just blew up.

While breaking up with me, he said that he loved me but can't do this anymore. He said "there's no me here anymore". He said I always want to argue...but it's usually me trying to communicate. I asked if he had someone, he said no.

 

So, 3 weeks after the breakup. He went public with his new relationship online with another girl. He was posting pictures of her, showing her off. I also think they live together by now. She's 2 years older than he is. To me, it seems as if he's moving very fast. But what if he's been talking to her for months and months before he left me? She's also not the type of woman he would go for, so I'm not sure he's using her for a place. i would hope that's not in his character. He just seems all about her online, he was never like that with me. He doesn't flirt with anyone and seems super loyal on social media. Everything is my gf this and my gf that.

 

I guess I don't know what the point of this is. I want answers to my questions....was I cheated on? Was everything a lie? Can someone really move on this fast? He seems so happy. I'm sad I was so loyal and understanding to this guy. I hate knowing I was betrayed. How can someone really move on this fast? We had history and a connection. He always talked about the future, kids, how I'm the woman of his dreams. All this talk stopped when he didn't have a place anymore. Is this a rebound relationship? I know he's the type to not enjoy being 100% alone, he feels safe talking to someone, and feeling stable. Maybe this relationship with the new girl is providing him with stability?

 

To be honest, it's not that I want him back. I haven't spoken to him in almost 3 weeks now and you can't come back from this. The love he is showing for her online is hurtful. I don't recognize him anymore. But I want to know why and why and why. Tomorrow is his birthday, and it's a weird feeling. I have been doing NC and I am trying to not snoop on his social media, the frequency of doing so is getting less and less. But I feel betrayed every day. I still can't believe he is happy and with someone else. I know he loved me, but now was he ever in love with me?

 

If anyone has gone through anything similar, I would love to know. Or if you can shed a new perspective my way. I'm just trying to wrap my head around it. I'm hurt, but I've gone through pain in the past, and I know everything is doable to keep going. I can can continue NC, even though I've already had my weak days. But after knowing he has a gf, it's easier to keep NC because of my dignity.

How do I move on? How do you deal with feeling forgotten?

 

Thank you for reading all of this.

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No worries, she's just a rebound...people on a rebound do move fast but burn out within 6 months. It's not love it's infatuation he has for her. Most likely won't last.

 

Never take it personally. Your relationship ran it's course just like with anyone else. Hard to imagine when you have all the emotions you are dealing with. It's only been a few weeks...in about 2 more you will feel a little lighter, and more hopeful for a new future. You want to go forward, you have to block/delete and not look at what he is doing with his life....time to completely let him go. No more worrying about what he's up to, it's no concern of yours. Erase him.

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No worries, she's just a rebound...people on a rebound do move fast but burn out within 6 months. It's not love it's infatuation he has for her. Most likely won't last.

 

Never take it personally. Your relationship ran it's course just like with anyone else. Hard to imagine when you have all the emotions you are dealing with. It's only been a few weeks...in about 2 more you will feel a little lighter, and more hopeful for a new future. You want to go forward, you have to block/delete and not look at what he is doing with his life....time to completely let him go. No more worrying about what he's up to, it's no concern of yours. Erase him.

 

Thanks for your input. I tell myself she's a rebound as well, despite it not feeling like one. They say I love you to each other already. He has never shown off how was in a relationship with me the way he does now with her. This man seems in love.

 

But I do agree that my relationship did run its course. The only issue I struggle with is social media right now. He is keeping himself busy while I am still checking what he is doing to get answers to why he did what he did. By doing this, I know I am holding myself back only.

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Well, you know what to do.

 

Unfriend and block. It's not immature, a sign of weakness, unnecessary, harsh or any other excuse you can think of. And don't care about what mutual friends might think because they aren't living your life. And most certainly do not worry about what he will think!

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Sorry to hear this. You did the right thing ending it. How did he get into this much debt? He needed to resolve his own problems like a grown up, not expect a gf to fix his problems for him. He seems particularly irresponsible, unreliable and manipulative.

 

It's never a good idea to pity anyone or emasculate them. Never co-sign for anyone. Delete and block him and all his people from all your messaging apps. Just laugh to yourself that he tricked someone other than you into being his sugar mama.

 

Clearly this new gf is a free place to stay and bank account. Be very grateful that your instincts guided you away from this gigolo.

The major change occurred last October of 2019, when he lost his place and due to his credit, he was struggling to get a new place. So he had to move in back with his parents.

 

I told him to save his money to pay debt off. Towards the end of the relationship, he once asked me if he could use my credit to buy a place.

 

He went public with his new relationship online with another girl. I also think they live together by now. She's 2 years older than he is.

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.

 

But I do agree that my relationship did run its course. The only issue I struggle with is social media right now. He is keeping himself busy while I am still checking what he is doing to get answers to why he did what he did. By doing this, I know I am holding myself back only.

 

I'm sorry. This does hurt for sure. But you have to force yourself to be busy and not check on him.

 

If it helps, this has happened to me. I was crushed... as you are. but I didn't really start to feel better until I decided my life and what I'm doing is not dependent on what others, including my ex, are doing.

 

At the end of the day, my life, what I do, how I spend my time, etc is GOOD ENOUGH for me. Focus on your loved ones and thank God, this guy did not wreck your credit. little deadbeat[emoji1787]

Edited by Lambert
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You dodged a bullet when he didnt want your money to buy a place.

 

Sounds like she's a rebound, which really doesnt matter in the long run. You need to block and delete this guy from everything possible. You arent going to move on if you keep looking at whatever he's doing. You have to rise above this.

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OP, I am so sorry that you are hurting. Reading through your post, this was not the right guy for you. The distance, the lack of affection, the lack of communication, feeling all alone.......none of that is healthy, it's not a situation anyone wants to be in. Moreover, when you expressed your unhappiness to your boyfriend and wanting to work on things, he chose to end the relationship and walk away rather than work on it and try to make it stronger. That's on him.

 

Here's my advice to you: take a long break from social media. You are correct that checking up on your ex via social media is not doing yourself any favors. It is holding you back and preventing you from moving forward in your emotional healing. Believe me, I completely understand the awful feeling of being quickly replaced, as though you are easily discarded without a second thought. I understand the temptation of comparing yourself to the "other woman", why her and not me?, what does she have that I don't?, etc., etc.

 

It does no good to compare the relationship you had with your ex to the one he currently displays publicly on social media. It doesn't give you an accurate picture anyway. You see only what they choose to show. And, people generally show only the positive, never the negative. No relationship is all rainbows and sunshine, every relationship has its own ups and downs. Their relationship is no different, so it's best to stop torturing yourself by looking at something that is very much skewed from reality.

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Sorry to hear this. You did the right thing ending it. How did he get into this much debt? He needed to resolve his own problems like a grown up, not expect a gf to fix his problems for him. He seems particularly irresponsible, unreliable and manipulative.

 

It's never a good idea to pity anyone or emasculate them. Never co-sign for anyone. Delete and block him and all his people from all your messaging apps. Just laugh to yourself that he tricked someone other than you into being his sugar mama.

 

Clearly this new gf is a free place to stay and bank account. Be very grateful that your instincts guided you away from this gigolo.

 

Thank you for this perspective. He was actually the one to end it, which hurts even more. Can the dumper still get a rebound or does this apply to dumpees only? But I do agree with you on everything else. I am still a grad student, so I am not even in such a financial place to look down on anyone. But I'm not sure how he got into so much debt. I looked at his credit report when trying to help him once, and many of the collections were medical. And two other things were not.

 

I'd like to think it's not in his character to use someone, but maybe it is. Why post about how much you're in love with someone only to hurt them if you're using them? (about his new gf). I think he is still paying (maybe half or all) to stay at this new girl's place because he still has a job and does get paid, but it was his credit that was preventing him from getting his own place again.

 

I'm very glad I didn't co-sign with him, though. I'm glad I didn't damage my credit for him. I also know I dodged a bullet deep down, but my heart can't get over the fact he moved on so fast.

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You dodged a bullet when he didnt want your money to buy a place.

 

Sounds like she's a rebound, which really doesnt matter in the long run. You need to block and delete this guy from everything possible. You arent going to move on if you keep looking at whatever he's doing. You have to rise above this.

 

I'd like to think she's a rebound as well. But he's showing her off in a way he never showed me off before and claiming he loves her on social media, and she says I love you back as well. He seems so loyal and respectful online for her. Like a changed man!

 

I do agree that it shouldn't matter. I have been focusing on loving myself and giving myself the time I need. but I do know I won't move on by checking up on him. I struggle with this, I'll admit. But I will try to change this soon.

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I'd put good money on the fact something was happening between your bf and this other woman whilst you two were still engaging in your relationship. Seen this many times and had it happen to me.

 

I think so too. This is what my gut feeling tells me. That it has been going on for a while because he was distant with me and because he seems so happy with her. Because no one goes this official only 3 weeks after a breakup, and it's not in his nature. My gut is telling me he's been wanting out for a while because he was seeing her.

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I'm sorry. This does hurt for sure. But you have to force yourself to be busy and not check on him.

 

If it helps, this has happened to me. I was crushed... as you are. but I didn't really start to feel better until I decided my life and what I'm doing is not dependent on what others, including my ex, are doing.

 

At the end of the day, my life, what I do, how I spend my time, etc is GOOD ENOUGH for me. Focus on your loved ones and thank God, this guy did not wreck your credit. little deadbeat[emoji1787]

 

I'm glad I don't feel alone in this. To be honest, I feel more at peace with myself now that it's over, but it does not help that I did love him truly. And I just feel so forgotten.

I am actually in the mindset you just mentioned, my life and how I live it is good enough for me. I keep reminding myself this. lol deadbeat also fits him.

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I am sorry you are in such pain. I know how much it hurts and, unfortunatey, there no off switch to turn off the pain. I've been there, too. Here's a little story: I was married for 29 years. Now, every marriage and relationship has its ups and downs, granted, but I was pretty content. After all, I did take my vows seriously. He was/is a controlling person and I believe he suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It was his-way-or-the-highway type of situation. I'm a very easy going person, so I mind really mind. He was kind at the very beginning but became gradually worse. He was disrespectful, verbally and emotionally abusive. But, I did love him quite a lot, despite all his shortcomings. I was blindsided nearly two years ago when he said he wanted a divorce. He told me often that he loved me but, apparently, his love for me was not riciprocated. If it was, he wouldn't have wanted a divorce, right? I moved out a couple of weeks after. About 1.5 weeks after moving, I went back to the house to pick up some of my items which I hadn't taken before. I noticed an extra pillow on my bed, a toothbrush on my side of the sink, extra towels - you get the picture, right? I thought I'd pass out (literally). He actually had someone spend the night 11 days after I moved out! OMG!

 

I cannot describe how I felt. I had to not only process the divorce, but also the fact that he already had someone. How quickly and easily I was replaced! I went through hell and back. I thought I'd never heal; I'm still not fully recovered, but I'm getting there. I guess what I want to say is that your bf might feel happy because, after all, they're still in the honeymoon phase of their relationship. I am pretty sure it won't last. But, if it does, you definitely dodged a bullet. You deserve someone who truly loves you and respects you. You don't need someone who is distant and cold towards you. As smackie said "she's just a rebound...people on a rebound do move fast but burn out within 6 months. It's not love it's infatuation he has for her. Most likely won't last."

 

My ex was with this woman for two months. Then, it fizzled out. He's been with a number of women since that first relationship and none of them seem to be going well (big shock there...LOL). I went NC immediately and have stayed that way for 2 years now. I inadvertently found out about these woman from someone close to me. Knowing he was with a woman severely broke my heart at first, but now it doesn't bother me. I picked myself up, went through the grieving process, and I feel at peace nowadays. I do miss him at times but I rejoice knowing that I am no longer subjected to his hurtful ways.

 

Give yourself time, let the past be the past, and let time heal your broken heart. You will get there, I promise. You are still so young. You will find true love someday. Never give up; hang in there. Stay safe. Hugs xx

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Never, ever agree to cosign for someone!

 

He also cheated on you and is using this woman for place to stay. he sounds awful! Block and delete him.

 

I think you dodged a bullet. When things clear, his character will become more obvious. It is not good!

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It sounds like he enjoys showing off his new found prize by rubbing your nose in it. I'm sorry this happened, but after showing you his true character, you dodged a bullet, (imo).

 

Not sure why he is showing her off, there is nothing to be jealous of. But do agree that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And I hope this doesn't make me sound horrible because I don't want to take my hate or anger on some woman I do not know when he was the problem. But again, I'm not sure why he is showing her off. However, the way the other person looks doesn't take away the hurt. Whether she's attractive or not, it still hurts the same. Maybe he does love her, maybe he is using her, maybe she's a sweetheart. I know he's the problem and is manipulative.

 

I know I dodged a bullet, but the hurt and the feelings of betrayal will take some time. If only I can fast forward my life.

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I am sorry you are in such pain. I know how much it hurts and, unfortunatey, there no off switch to turn off the pain. I've been there, too. Here's a little story: I was married for 29 years. Now, every marriage and relationship has its ups and downs, granted, but I was pretty content. After all, I did take my vows seriously. He was/is a controlling person and I believe he suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It was his-way-or-the-highway type of situation. I'm a very easy going person, so I mind really mind. He was kind at the very beginning but became gradually worse. He was disrespectful, verbally and emotionally abusive. But, I did love him quite a lot, despite all his shortcomings. I was blindsided nearly two years ago when he said he wanted a divorce. He told me often that he loved me but, apparently, his love for me was not riciprocated. If it was, he wouldn't have wanted a divorce, right? I moved out a couple of weeks after. About 1.5 weeks after moving, I went back to the house to pick up some of my items which I hadn't taken before. I noticed an extra pillow on my bed, a toothbrush on my side of the sink, extra towels - you get the picture, right? I thought I'd pass out (literally). He actually had someone spend the night 11 days after I moved out! OMG!

 

I cannot describe how I felt. I had to not only process the divorce, but also the fact that he already had someone. How quickly and easily I was replaced! I went through hell and back. I thought I'd never heal; I'm still not fully recovered, but I'm getting there. I guess what I want to say is that your bf might feel happy because, after all, they're still in the honeymoon phase of their relationship. I am pretty sure it won't last. But, if it does, you definitely dodged a bullet. You deserve someone who truly loves you and respects you. You don't need someone who is distant and cold towards you. As smackie said "she's just a rebound...people on a rebound do move fast but burn out within 6 months. It's not love it's infatuation he has for her. Most likely won't last."

 

My ex was with this woman for two months. Then, it fizzled out. He's been with a number of women since that first relationship and none of them seem to be going well (big shock there...LOL). I went NC immediately and have stayed that way for 2 years now. I inadvertently found out about these woman from someone close to me. Knowing he was with a woman severely broke my heart at first, but now it doesn't bother me. I picked myself up, went through the grieving process, and I feel at peace nowadays. I do miss him at times but I rejoice knowing that I am no longer subjected to his hurtful ways.

 

Give yourself time, let the past be the past, and let time heal your broken heart. You will get there, I promise. You are still so young. You will find true love someday. Never give up; hang in there. Stay safe. Hugs xx

 

Thank you for this response. I was able to relate so much. Especially the part where you said not only are we trying to process the breakup/divorce(for you), but also the fact they already have someone. It's double the hurt and pain. I can't just let go as easily because I have so many questions. I feel like I was dealing with a fraud. Everything was so fake. Your post gave me hope that I'll be able to move on one day. I already feel myself letting go. I'm also in the process of asking myself why did I stay when I felt things were going downhill? I have some self-work to do. I keep asking myself if it's a rebound or not, and it shouldn't even matter because in the end there's no coming back from this, I don't want him back, but my heart wants the answers. My heart is scared about feeling forgotten or that I meant nothing. I was very loyal to this man, I had many great guys approach me while I was in a relationship with him and I chose to stay true to him every day. But he turned around and did the opposite. Even though time was wasted, I did end up seeing his true colors in the end.

 

I am so proud of you, especially after a 29 year marriage. I can't even imagine. Thank you for this post. I know i do not want to waste my youth on such a guy.

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Never, ever agree to cosign for someone!

 

He also cheated on you and is using this woman for place to stay. he sounds awful! Block and delete him.

 

I think you dodged a bullet. When things clear, his character will become more obvious. It is not good!

 

I will never cosign with someone, I've learned my lesson now. I've always said this, but it's interesting how I was willing to do so in the end for him. Watching someone you love struggle was hard, even though I tried to push him to fix his credit and get to the root of the issue.

 

I also do think he did cheat on me like you said, although he didn't confirm. But the past few months he was so distant, that's the only reason for it. You don't say I love you to someone new 3 weeks after a breakup. My gut feeling was telling me all along, but I wanted to see the good in him. I thought stress was getting to him.

Edited by lovelyworld
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OP, I am so sorry that you are hurting. Reading through your post, this was not the right guy for you. The distance, the lack of affection, the lack of communication, feeling all alone.......none of that is healthy, it's not a situation anyone wants to be in. Moreover, when you expressed your unhappiness to your boyfriend and wanting to work on things, he chose to end the relationship and walk away rather than work on it and try to make it stronger. That's on him.

 

Here's my advice to you: take a long break from social media. You are correct that checking up on your ex via social media is not doing yourself any favors. It is holding you back and preventing you from moving forward in your emotional healing. Believe me, I completely understand the awful feeling of being quickly replaced, as though you are easily discarded without a second thought. I understand the temptation of comparing yourself to the "other woman", why her and not me?, what does she have that I don't?, etc., etc.

 

It does no good to compare the relationship you had with your ex to the one he currently displays publicly on social media. It doesn't give you an accurate picture anyway. You see only what they choose to show. And, people generally show only the positive, never the negative. No relationship is all rainbows and sunshine, every relationship has its own ups and downs. Their relationship is no different, so it's best to stop torturing yourself by looking at something that is very much skewed from reality.

 

Thank you for understanding. I know social media is all a facade. I know I also shouldn't compare myself to her, and I don't. I've always been happy and confident within myself, and I try my best to respect and also love other women. I just don't want this situation to change my outlook, I do not want it to make me bitter towards another woman or ask myself what does she have that I don't? But it's inevitable. I've already done so. I don't see anything in her, but he does...and that's the hurtful part.

 

I also know everyone just shows the positives on social media and that they're on their honeymoon stage. I will try to stop checking.

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I'm sorry you had to go through this. I agree with the others - please put this out of your head slowly, surely. With time your heart will heal and you'll be able to see things a little clearer. Right now you must be in a lot of pain.

 

Be careful with everyone you meet and take things with a grain of salt. Trust your first instincts too.

 

This may be one of those lessons where we learn about the character of someone through one means and it permeates all other parts of their personality too. Stay safe and take care of yourself.

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Unfortunately it seems you became a doormat in that relationship. He is not what you thought he was. You need to open your eyes when dating/in a relationship and not focus so much on fixing people.

 

Wishing you could house him, rifling through his finances, offering co-signing, etc. Think about that. He has parents, there are banks, accountants etc. Your focus on this woman is completely misplaced. It's jealousy.

 

However the real issue is a complete lack of boundaries and mothering, smothering and being so desperate that you offered up money and wanted to fix him. Some short term therapy would help you overcome insecurities and learn about appropriate boundaries. You should not be rifling through anyone's finances or giving financial advice. This is His job to fix.

 

However you learned some important lessons with all this. Do not fix people. Do not mother or smother or otherwise emasculate guys. Do not play cheerleader, therapist or financial advisor. When some starts backing off open your eyes rather than getting into panic and smother mode.

ask myself what does she have that I don't?
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OP just to say i agree with what the others say. This relationship had ran its course. You will never know for sure that he cheated so don't waste your time and energy on worrying about that

 

 

Keep him blocked on all forms of contact. Don't let him back in your life. You 2 are done.

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Maybe he cheated, maybe he didn't. There is really no way to know and what good does it do for you to believe that he has cheated?

 

What you should focus on is the fact that this relationship stopped being good a long time ago, aka that maybe you should have walked long ago instead of staying. Something to think about that will be helpful to you in terms of moving on and what to do in your next relationship. Maybe next time, when the guy turns about to be not who you thought....you'll recognize it just a little faster and exit quicker.

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