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Just don't know how to get over this


BonnieBurst

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Short version....My now ex boyfriend dumped me at 3am via text out of the blue saying he was "couldn't maintain a relationship" anymore. I tried to get answers but he had been depressed for a few weeks and somehow came to this decision after we had been better and closer than ever, and when I asked what triggered it he would only say "my depression" and when I asked him to open up a little more he said "because i can't open up to you i just don't see a future".

He wouldn't answer a phone call to talk about it, and barely answered texts. He said "you didn't do anything wrong, I just think this is the best thing". I genuinely don't know what happened and it's been eating away at me for about 6 weeks now.

 

He initially said he wanted to stay friendly and maybe get a drink after quarantine. Our last message was the day after he dumped me, when I said I wasn't mad and if he needed someone to talk to he could call me (bc I was torn between upset and worried about him). He responded with a heart emoji and said "I really really appreciate you saying that, thank you."

 

Like I said, it's been 6 weeks now with no contact. Yesterday afternoon I texted him, just saying I still don't really understand what happened, and asked if he could explain. He hasn't answered. I don't know that he will.

 

I'm just heartbroken. Things were really so good up until quarantine started and I don't understand what happened. He's always been the sweet, caring type who did the little things that made you feel loved. And I've never opened up to someone more and showed him all the love I had to give. There were no fights, no lead up to the end, it just came out of nowhere. I just want the truth so I can fit the puzzle pieces together and move on. Right now I just can't get out of the spiral of thinking that this just doesn't make sense and I must have missed something. If he could just say he suddenly didn't love me anymore, I can understand that because I've been there, but he wouldn't say he didn't have feelings and he has just cut me out of his life completely for reasons I don't understand and he won't even attempt to explain.

 

How can someone who loves you and puts in that much time in building something together just cut you out of their life one day? Those bonds are so hard to come by, it just seems like such a waste ...

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Really sorry to hear about this. Hard at any time, and especially hard during these hard times.

 

While I understand the desire for a clearer explanation from him, going by what you've written he's already offered that, in words and in actions. "I can't open up to you" and "I just don't see a future" are not ambiguous statements open to interpretation, particularly when they're coming in a breakup and followed up by silence. They are very bitter pills to swallow—the bitterest, really—and I think what you're experiencing right now, in ways, is those pills being stuck in the throat. I'd try to see it like that, in your shoes, and accept that it's going to take time, rather than something else from him, that's going to get them down. Time and support from loved ones, from those who are still very much there for you.

 

Think of it like this: Let's say the house I'm sitting in right now, which feels quite sturdy, collapses later today while I'm out grocery shopping. Was it an electrical fire, or was it foundation rot? Was it an earthquake, or something to do with the roots of that one tree that always seemed a bit weird? An issue with the flooring, or the roofing? I'd ask these questions, but even if I could get a definitive answer? It wouldn't change the fact that the house I thought was sturdy was now uninhabitable—and that the critical goal of my life would be accepting that, and figuring out a way to find shelter again.

 

What's clear here is that your story of your relationship, and the strength of your bond, is not the same as his story. At some point, for some reason, those narratives diverged. You can, and probably will, spin around trying to make heads or tails out of all that, but I think a lot of that very human spinning is a way to either dodge or slowly accept the indisputable truth of two stories that no longer line up.

 

The sum of ex, in the end, is always greater than why.

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Well....he is telling you the truth. That it is about him, his depression, his issues and whatever it is that he is or isn't feeling. Either way, the biggest truth that he is telling you is that he cannot continue this relationship.

 

Relationships don't always end because of fighting or major issues. Sometimes they end like this - because one person isn't feeling whatever it is they need to feel to carry on the relationship. It hurts, but you've got to start accepting his words at face value. I'm sorry and hugs to you.

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Thanks for the kind reply.

 

That's the thing, I was careful with this relationship, making sure I kept checking my assumptions against reality. I've been burned before, only realizing afterwards that I had let my expectations and hopes run away with things when the other person wasn't on the same page. I didn't hold back my love, but I tried to make sure I wasn't creating illusions. I let him say he wanted things to be exclusive, I let him say he loved me first, if he needed space I'd let him take it. Two weeks before quarantine he had texted me out of the blue apologizing we hadn't been able to see each other that weekend and said he had booked us a hotel on the coast so we could go away for the weekend. The trip was great. He planned it out and wouldn't even let me help pay for the room. He'd always say that he loved being with me and that our relationship just felt so easy. Even the date just before he broke up with me, he had asked me what age I would want to be to have kids. He'd always bring up stuff like that of his own accord, "My mom asked how serious we were and if we were getting married", "I think you'd be a great mom", etc. It seemed like we wanted the same things, so I don't understand where the "paths diverged".

 

It just feels like by not giving me the dignity of a simple discussion he somehow lost all respect for me and all the time we had spent together for no apparent reason than "depression". His statements that he "couldn't open up to me" and "couldn't see a future" were basically repeated from my question. I said something like "I try to get you to open up to me when you're upset but it seems like you just shut down. If it's just that i'm not someone you see a future with fine, but don't give me 'it's not you, it's me'". He just repeated me instead of giving his own explanation, I think it was more of a convenient excuse (I should have just let him come up with his own explanation, but I was upset and searching for reasons)

 

Also, unfortunately, if the house collapsed around me, I wouldn't be able to sleep until I knew why because I'd need to know what went wrong.

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Well....he is telling you the truth. That it is about him, his depression, his issues and whatever it is that he is or isn't feeling. Either way, the biggest truth that he is telling you is that he cannot continue this relationship.

 

Relationships don't always end because of fighting or major issues. Sometimes they end like this - because one person isn't feeling whatever it is they need to feel to carry on the relationship. It hurts, but you've got to start accepting his words at face value. I'm sorry and hugs to you.

 

Thanks. What I don't understand is that if the answer is simply his depression and issues he's facing, how did that translate into me not even deserving a discussion so that I don't have to hurt so much? I've never had someone cut things off so brutally and without explanation before. Typically, you try to give the people you love what they need to feel ok, even if you can't solve the problem you try to ease the pain a little.

It feels like somehow he just decided I didn't matter at all anymore, not even as a friend or someone he cared about.

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Thanks. What I don't understand is that if the answer is simply his depression and issues he's facing, how did that translate into me not even deserving a discussion so that I don't have to hurt so much? I've never had someone cut things off so brutally and without explanation before. Typically, you try to give the people you love what they need to feel ok, even if you can't solve the problem you try to ease the pain a little.

It feels like somehow he just decided I didn't matter at all anymore, not even as a friend or someone he cared about.

 

But he is not emotionally healthy enough to support himself let alone you. You keep saying that he didn't explain, but he did explain very clearly. The only thing he denied you is an argument. He made the decision to end things and he didn't open up that decision to a debate. That's actually a normal way to end relationships. It's a decision not a discussion. Once you decide to pull the trigger, you just do it. It doesn't feel like it now, but honestly, a clean break lets you heal and move on faster in the end. Dragging things out....I mean what more can he possibly say to you? Also, people do not stay friends with ex's. It's not healthy. You both need to heal and move on.

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Hearing you, feeling you.

 

However careful we are, however mindful and intentional, there is no way to remove the fact that all relationships are a risky proposition. We can never "really" know what the other person is thinking, and feeling—or, even, what we are thinking and feeling, every day, every second. The strength and magic comes from all that fragility, but fragility is fragility. The dice is always rolling.

 

You are hurt right now, and hurting, understandably. When I hear you using certain language in regards to him—about "dignity," about "respect," about what you "deserve"—what I hear, from these emotionally safe bleacher seats, is human hurt. Hugs. I understand the instinct to want something from him to lessen it—oh, do I—but I hope you can come to see that it just doesn't work that way. He is the blade in this chapter of the story, not the bandaid.

 

What you're doing now is projecting your feelings, and how you handle your feelings, onto him. In his shoes, the thinking goes, you would have "at least" offered x, or said y, or been "respectful" enough to express z. But he is him, and he may not have x, y, and z to offer: not now, not ever. People bring to the table of life—and to the table of love—their own unique arsenal, and not all of it is precise. There is never "more" than whatever we get, which is why we have to accept what we are given, even during times like this, when it's so, so very hard to do.

 

This is not a verdict on you. He looked into himself, and whatever it is he is seeing—and I be a lot of it is very, very cloudy right now—part of it is that he saw a man who could no longer be with you. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but expressing that to you is a show of respect. He has been honest with you about his truth.

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But he is not emotionally healthy enough to support himself let alone you. You keep saying that he didn't explain, but he did explain very clearly. The only thing he denied you is an argument. He made the decision to end things and he didn't open up that decision to a debate. That's actually a normal way to end relationships. It's a decision not a discussion. Once you decide to pull the trigger, you just do it. It doesn't feel like it now, but honestly, a clean break lets you heal and move on faster in the end. Dragging things out....I mean what more can he possibly say to you? Also, people do not stay friends with ex's. It's not healthy. You both need to heal and move on.

 

I am the last person to ask for an argument. When it happened I told him I was hurt and upset but I wasn't trying to change his mind, and I'm still not. I told him I wouldn't be friends either because it wouldn't be healthy for me.

 

What I did ask for how he came to that conclusion and he did not offer anything (except for repeating my own words back to me). There was no explanation of what he couldn't maintain (especially because up until then he had always said our relationship was so easy and made him feel good and god knows I am a low maintenance girlfriend). You're saying it was a clean break, but it was the farthest thing from it. Kicking someone out of a moving car is not clean, the person ends up bloody and in pain. Just because something is "normal" does not mean it is healthy.

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I am the last person to ask for an argument. When it happened I told him I was hurt and upset but I wasn't trying to change his mind, and I'm still not. I told him I wouldn't be friends either because it wouldn't be healthy for me.

 

What I did ask for how he came to that conclusion and he did not offer anything (except for repeating my own words back to me). There was no explanation of what he couldn't maintain (especially because up until then he had always said our relationship was so easy and made him feel good and god knows I am a low maintenance girlfriend). You're saying it was a clean break, but it was the farthest thing from it. Kicking someone out of a moving car is not clean, the person ends up bloody and in pain. Just because something is "normal" does not mean it is healthy.

 

That's the argument though....you are asking questions, demanding explanations for which there is no good clear answer or explanation. Aren't feeling it, depressed, can't continue - these are clear answers, but it's answers you don't like and aren't willing to accept so you keep asking the same questions unsatisfied with the answers. No question that break ups and rejections hurt. No way around that. He told you that it's not about you, what you did or didn't do. Why can't you just believe him?

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That's the argument though....you are asking questions, demanding explanations for which there is no good clear answer or explanation. Aren't feeling it, depressed, can't continue - these are clear answers, but it's answers you don't like and aren't willing to accept. No question that break ups and rejections hurt. No way around that. He told you that it's not about you, what you did or didn't do. Why can't you just believe him?

 

I don't think you know the meaning of the word "argument" or "demands" or "clear"

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I don't think you know the meaning of the word "argument" or "demands" or "clear"

 

They way you are reacting and responding here makes it rather obvious why he doesn't want to talk to you...... I'm sorry you are hurting but it's not an excuse to be lashing out at people.

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Sorry to hear this. He keeps trying to emphasize that he is not ready, willing or able to have a committed long term relationship. In fact for 14 out of 18 mos it was "casual". It's not about you so there really is no further reason to discuss it. It would be best to move on from him.

 

This is a hard time for dating in general, but he started to back out in March using the "stressed" reason, even though you were only "officially dating" 4 mos at that time. He is simply not relationship material.

 

My advice remains the same about this man: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=564391&p=7212358&viewfull=1#post7212358

Yesterday afternoon I texted him, just saying I still don't really understand what happened, and asked if he could explain. He hasn't answered. I don't know that he will.
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Here's a story, for whatever it's worth.

 

Many moons ago, I ended in a pretty formative relationship in a way I know—and knew then—would be like setting off a bomb in the life and heart of a human I very much cared for. We sat down to dinner, everything "good" between us, and I said it was over, that I could no longer keep doing the thing we were doing.

 

I am, if you'll pardon some immodesty, a highly articulate human being, tender in spirit, skilled at expressing my thought and feeling patterns in a way that can be understood by others. But at that moment, at the restaurant and in my life? I was not a Nobel physicist who understood the atomic composition of the bomb I was detonating, or the various particles and principles that led me build the bomb in the first place. No, I was more like an animal. I just knew I could not keep going. I cared for her, loved her, she "mattered" to me. Still, I could not keep going, as I told her. It was not a discussion, but, like all breakups, the end of the discussion.

 

If she wanted from me a clearer explanation than I offered, which I'm sure she did in the sharpest moments, when the pain was still fresh? Well, she'd have had to wait years, because that's how long it took me to scrape through the emotional corrosion in my own pipes, to reckon with pain of my own, pain that predated her, that simmered in me as I shared space—most of is lovely!—with her. Not minutes, not months. Years.

 

Here's the thing. Capable as I may be now—that chapter is 15 years in the rearview mirror of my journey—to articulate exactly what I was thinking and feeling, it doesn't really change a thing. We didn't work. Why didn't we work? Because I decided we didn't, something anyone can do, at any time, for any reason. The most basic and blunt explanation I gave back then—"I can't do this anymore"—remains the truest, and the most meaningful, much like the residents of Hiroshima in 1945 have all the information they need about an atomic bomb without a consult from Einstein.

 

Reduce everything that you're feeling right now to the core, and what's there? You, hurting, very much wishing you were still together, and looking for some piece of information that makes no longer being together make "sense." If you could have that, you'd go from feeling out of control to more in control. But control, in these precincts, is just an illusion. It doesn't exist inside the relationship, or in the aftermath. If you can find a way to accept that—to loosen the grip on the reigns you're now holding so tightly—you are likely to find yourself beginning to feel the sense of peace and stability you are looking for.

 

It's in you, in short, to give yourself, not to be extracted from him.

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Sorry to hear this. He keeps trying to emphasize that he is not ready, willing or able to have a committed long term relationship. In fact for 14 out of 18 mos it was "casual". It's not about you so there really is no further reason to discuss it. It would be best to move on from him.

 

This is a hard time for dating in general, but he started to back out in March using the "stressed" reason, even though you were only "officially dating" 4 mos at that time. He is simply not relationship material.

 

My advice remains the same about this man: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=564391&p=7212358&viewfull=1#post7212358

 

THe math is off. We dated casually for a while, as much my choice as his. Probably more my choice than his actually, then going great since around sept/october. And i haven't talked to him since we broke up.

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Here's a story, for whatever it's worth.

 

Many moons ago, I ended in a pretty formative relationship in a way I know—and knew then—would be like setting off a bomb in the life and heart of a human I very much cared for. We sat down to dinner, everything "good" between us, and I said it was over, that I could no longer keep doing the thing we were doing.

 

I am, if you'll pardon some immodesty, a highly articulate human being, tender in spirit, skilled at expressing my thought and feeling patterns in a way that can be understood by others. But at that moment, at the restaurant and in my life? I was not a Nobel physicist who understood the atomic composition of the bomb I was detonating, or the various particles and principles that led me build the bomb in the first place. No, I was more like an animal. I just knew I could not keep going. I cared for her, loved her, she "mattered" to me. Still, I could not keep going, as I told her. It was not a discussion, but, like all breakups, the end of the discussion.

 

If she wanted from me a clearer explanation than I offered, which I'm sure she did in the sharpest moments, when the pain was still fresh? Well, she'd have had to wait years, because that's how long it took me to scrape through the emotional corrosion in my own pipes, to reckon with pain of my own, pain that predated her, that simmered in me as I shared space—most of is lovely!—with her. Not minutes, not months. Years.

 

Here's the thing. Capable as I may be now—that chapter is 15 years in the rearview mirror of my journey—to articulate exactly what I was thinking and feeling, it doesn't really change a thing. We didn't work. Why didn't we work? Because I decided we didn't, something anyone can do, at any time, for any reason. The most basic and blunt explanation I gave back then—"I can't do this anymore"—remains the truest, and the most meaningful, much like the residents of Hiroshima in 1945 have all the information they need about an atomic bomb without a consult from Einstein.

 

Reduce everything that you're feeling right now to the core, and what's there? You, hurting, very much wishing you were still together, and looking for some piece of information that makes no longer being together make "sense." If you could have that, you'd go from feeling out of control to more in control. But control, in these precincts, is just an illusion. It doesn't exist inside the relationship, or in the aftermath. If you can find a way to accept that—to loosen the grip on the reigns you're now holding so tightly—you are likely to find yourself beginning to feel the sense of peace and stability you are looking for.

 

It's in you, in short, to give yourself, not to be extracted from him.

 

Thank you. You've been the most kind and helpful. You're the only one here that hasn't just tried to reduce a person I care about into some worthless, immature creature and I really appreciate that.

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I'm sorry you're hurt.

I understand your need to have a more detailed explanation about the break up. I think in any mature relationship people should provide more information than two sentences :"it's not working" "i can't open to you" etc.

That would be what two people who where building something together should do but he didn't...and still can't or won't do.

This behavior tells you about his inability to be in a serious relationship.

 

Since you can't get more information from him, I'm sure if you look at the relation, you will find signs that it was fragile. Like his need for space from time to time, his depression, the time it took for the relation to finally get more serious (one year if I understand correctly from your last post) and the way it collapsed as he didn't have the maturity to call or face time you in order to have a conversation about it. He kind of ran away when he realised that after all, he didn't want the dreams you guys were starting do dream ( having kids etc). Also sign of fragility, is when things started to get more serious and the conversation leading to more concrete plans for the future, it collapsed. You guys dated seriously for about 6 months which is usually about the time it takes to see if we really want the future we dream with the person we have feeling for. Unfortunalty, he didn't communicate very well the "why" it didn't work for him. Sometimes when we have feelings for someone like he did toward you, we imagine mariage and kids etc but a few months in we realise that we were just caught up un the moment. Those where dreams, not plan and now, he's more confortable being alone.

 

 

He may have been a very nice guy but the whole package shows that he cannot offer you a serious relationship.

With time the pain will lessen...

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It’s very likely it’s nothing you did. Depression takes over someone’s mind heart and soul. The best thing you can do is step back and let him heal as long as it takes and when he’s feeling more like himself he might seek you out. This is not to say you should put your life on hold by any means. Someone whose depressed needs to focus on getting themselves better (some people are better at using a support system an others isolate and push everyone away). Encourage him to seek help and tell him your available if he chooses to discuss it with you but don’t push. Sending virtual hugs ❤️

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Thank you guys.

 

As for the timeline, it was slow at the start because I wanted it to be. There were times he hinted that he wanted something more serious, but I was a little shy and trying to not let myself jump in too fast. We met on Tinder, and because of a past relationship I didn't want to start something serious right away until we had time to get to know each other. He ended up backing off for a couple months because he didn't know what I wanted, we went out for coffee and he said later that not kissing me goodbye killed him, and when we saw each other again we both decided we were being stupid and that it was a real relationship. We were "exclusive" for over a year, it just wasn't until we talked about labeling it that I'm calling it serious because that's when the tension of not talking about that lifted and we both jumped in. That's part of the frustration for me. He pursued me, he made a point that he wanted to be with me and it just took me a little while to be ready but once I was it was all-in. We've had those uncomfortable conversations before, he's completely capable of it, so I don't understand why he's like this now.

 

Anyway, I reached out to him since my last post. He didn't answer the first (original to this thread), then a week later answered right away saying he didn't respond because he "didn't know how to sum it up in a text". We talked a little, he was kind, said he felt bad for hurting me, and "wishes he could explain more". I told him that's exactly what I'm trying to understand and he just didn't answer.

 

I don't know what to do. I really love him. Just months ago I had realized "oh, I could marry this guy". I know he's not in it for whatever reason, but I wish I knew what's going on in his head. I wish he would just say his feelings for me changed or that he doesn't love me or something concrete.

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It’s very likely it’s nothing you did. Depression takes over someone’s mind heart and soul. The best thing you can do is step back and let him heal as long as it takes and when he’s feeling more like himself he might seek you out. This is not to say you should put your life on hold by any means. Someone whose depressed needs to focus on getting themselves better (some people are better at using a support system an others isolate and push everyone away). Encourage him to seek help and tell him your available if he chooses to discuss it with you but don’t push. Sending virtual hugs ❤️

 

Thanks. I am at the point that I'm hoping it's depression, cause at least then there's a chance for improvement. I'm just so scared of losing him from my life.

He told me when he broke up with me that it was nothing I did. If that's the case and there's no love lost because of a fight or hurting him or whatever then why doesn't he have enough affection for me to help me understand..

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Thanks. I am at the point that I'm hoping it's depression, cause at least then there's a chance for improvement. I'm just so scared of losing him from my life.

He told me when he broke up with me that it was nothing I did. If that's the case and there's no love lost because of a fight or hurting him or whatever then why doesn't he have enough affection for me to help me understand..

 

Because he doesn’t have the strength to help you understand. DO NOT ask him anymore to explain bc he will start associating you with “too much work” when he’s mentally not well right now and not up for it. Exactly what he said with not being able to maintain a relationship right now. I KNOW it’s killing you. Don’t make him feel like he needs to support your emotions right now, you need to be strong for yourself. I know that sounds terrible but it’s like asking someone with the flu to come help you with moving. Cry and be upset to yourself but when he reaches out keep things cheery and light. If he sees you as a positive light he may gravitate more towards you. He has enough gloom and doom in his head right now, don’t add to it. The best support for someone in that state is “I’m sorry your feeling this way, I understand, you don’t need to explain, etc.” That lifts the burden off him to feel like he failed you Bc trust me he’s feeling enough like a failure right now I’m sure. I went through something like this with an ex once and the more I pressured him to open up and talk to me the more he didn’t want to. I eventually stopped and took a step back and when he was starting to feel better he began reaching out and I showed him that happy girl he was initially attracted to and we were able to get back on track. It’s really hard I know.

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Because he doesn’t have the strength to help you understand. DO NOT ask him anymore to explain bc he will start associating you with “too much work” when he’s mentally not well right now and not up for it. Exactly what he said with not being able to maintain a relationship right now. I KNOW it’s killing you. Don’t make him feel like he needs to support your emotions right now, you need to be strong for yourself. I know that sounds terrible but it’s like asking someone with the flu to come help you with moving. Cry and be upset to yourself but when he reaches out keep things cheery and light. If he sees you as a positive light he may gravitate more towards you. He has enough gloom and doom in his head right now, don’t add to it. The best support for someone in that state is “I’m sorry your feeling this way, I understand, you don’t need to explain, etc.” That lifts the burden off him to feel like he failed you Bc trust me he’s feeling enough like a failure right now I’m sure. I went through something like this with an ex once and the more I pressured him to open up and talk to me the more he didn’t want to. I eventually stopped and took a step back and when he was starting to feel better he began reaching out and I showed him that happy girl he was initially attracted to and we were able to get back on track. It’s really hard I know.

 

Yeah, I get that. This is why I haven't contacted him any more, except for when I was advised to try it. He doesn't seem depressed. He apparently got a new job between the time we broke up and now, so I know he at least had the energy to apply, interview, and start a new job, so he can't be that bad off.

I'm just so sick of my emotions coming last in every friendship/relationship etc. I've been taught to be empathetic, caring, thoughtful but it doesn't strengthen relationships like people claim it does. It's exhausting and just makes you feel like in the long run. Why doesn't he have any responsibility to show the same compassion?

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Closure comes from you, not him. Don't beg, rehash or continue to demand explanations. Sorry to say, he's done with a wishy- washy attitude from you.

 

I didn't and have never begged. I asked a question. Part of setting boundaries and having healthy communication with people is being able to articulate what you want and need.

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