Jump to content

Txt messages from wife to coworker


Recommended Posts

From what you've written, it sounds like there have been underlying problems in your marriage for a long time.

 

This tells me a lot about how she's come to view you:

 

 

 

It tells me that she can't trust you not to overreact.

 

You feel threatened by the lack of sex in your relationship. This could be a symptom of discord in your marriage, not necessarily an affair.

 

You feel threatened by the fact that she's putting more effort into her appearance. Her dressing up every day could be any number of things.

 

She may have decided to turn over a new leaf for herself. She may be trying to get your attention.

 

And yes, she may be trying to get the attention of others. But she had her chance at that and you have evidence that she turned the guy down.

 

This was your chance to sit your wife down and say, "I saw your phone. What's going on? Please stop."

 

Instead, you posted the exchange here in such a way that emotionally-charged readers will automatically leap to the "affair" conclusion.

 

Main stream media couldn't do a better job at sensationalist leading.

 

I do think this may be the early stages of an emotional affair with someone who she feels understands her.

 

If she felt that her husband understood her (and didn't simply suspect her) this may not be happening at all.

 

 

Yeah I hear exactly what you are saying.

 

Definitely underlying problems in the marriage.

 

She only washes/dresses up/wears makeup on the days she goes to work (3 days a week). Her efforts with me are non existent. I pay her words of affirmation all the time and it’s genuine. I know her top love languages and try to energise these.

 

I have never suspected her before and given no reason for her to think that. Indicating I suspect her after she’s had (maybe) an EA can’t be the reason for it though.

 

I do think you are right that she feels this guy gets her and she has said she trusts him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 60
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Unfortunately, she seems to already know how overbearing, possessive, controlling and paranoid you are. Instead of grilling her, "reaching "signs of affair" ,etc. as faux evidence. Research emotional abuse, because that is what you are doing.

 

You are treating her like a criminal, not because of her but because you can't handle that she went back to work. This paranoia and trying to incriminate her is evident from your posting style seeking out bias by twisting info and words. She would be wise to divorce you if this is typical of your interaction with her.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Coming off as the jealous or controlling husband will do more damage than her texting a coworker or being friends with coworkers or entertaining coworkers.

 

She has done nothing inappropriate. She got a new job, and dresses better. Perhaps she needed to go from frumpy mommy mode to professional woman mode? Some women let themselves go when they are SAHMs so she needed to change that anyway.

 

I am not part of a survey seeking a bias by omitting info. Also words rearranged to serve that bias like 'flirty personality in general" etc. She is not on trail and I am posting advice, not part of a jury you are trying to create here.

 

Hi,

 

Does it feel as if I’ve come off jealous and controlling?

 

I’ve probably not written it up right. It she’s not got a new job. I agree she wanted to make an impression at work which is why I wrote despite the classic flags their are reasons for them.

 

Not sure i understand your last paragraph here. You originally asked me if she had a flirty personality in general. I just wanted to know what made you think that within the exchange. I suppose I’m saying I’ve two minds about all this. My head that says it’s fine, it’s nothing, my gut that says somethings up.

 

I’m not looking to slam my wife on here. What’s the point in that? I don’t want to create a jury. I wanted some advice on the initial exchange. Most people then asked for more information. Which I hadn’t really wanted to do.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Unfortunately, she seems to already know how overbearing, possessive, controlling and paranoid you are. Instead of grilling her, "reaching "signs of affair" ,etc. as faux evidence. Research emotional abuse, because that is what you are doing.

 

You are treating her like a criminal, not because of her but because you can't handle that she went back to work. This paranoia and trying to incriminate her is evident from your posting style seeking out bias by twisting info and words. She would be wise to divorce you if this is typical of your interaction with her.

 

I really don’t understand what you mean by twisting words? Who’s words?

 

I’m not looking to argue here. Just trying to understand your point.

 

I supported her going back to work and advised her to do it full time. I’ve no issue with her being at work so not sure what I’ve written that suggests that. Clearly what I’ve written isn’t typical of what or how we interact.

 

Your right I’m jealous! I love her, am attracted to her and feel I’ve lost her.

 

It’s actually quite upsetting you’ve said emotional abuse from my perspective. Adding being wise to divorce me. Without too much harshness just honesty can you specifically explain how. I mean this genuinely.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are treating her like a prisoner. Stop. Get a grip. Get to a doctor for an evaluation and referral to a therapist. The paranoia, sex problems and condescending parental way to are towed her indicates you have some major issues to resolve.

 

Stop running down this 'emotional affair' rabbit hole and subjecting her to these inane "signs" you are deliberately looking for on the internet and twisted your post to fit then shoving in her face. Tell me, what is sexy or appealing about that or a prison guard? Were you hoping to gather a bunch of people on here to incriminate her so you could use that to ream her?

Link to post
Share on other sites

If I'm following this right....

 

The texts etc happened in Feb. but you guys never followed thru with counseling?

 

How has she been dressing up and going to work as most people have been quarantined at least part of the time since Feb.

 

If she's still buddy-buddy with this guy on the phone etc, how is that keeping to the boundaries you've set?

 

if you guys are playing this little game of whats allowed, what isnt allowed, thats more parent-child, not husband and wife behavior.

 

The bottom line is the emotional connection between you two is broken and neither of you is working on the marriage.

 

If you're not willing to go all in, say exactly what you want/need and stop this little dance of you complimenting her and being the hall monitor then what is left to save?

 

Spouses should respect each other and the marriage above all others. Thats what the vows say.

 

Of course, we all need friends etc, but there are literally enough people on this planet, that she could find other friends. Ones that dont make you feel less than.

 

If she doesn't agree, then what is your marriage about?

 

There are obviously a lot of problems in the marriage. Many understandable, as you have explained.... And this guy is just a symptom of all the lack she is feeling and all the rejection you are feeling (fear to ask questions, not having the emotional tools to express yourself and hear her)

 

You must start there... you must go back to a place where you like each other as individual people.

 

Make her a cup of coffee or whatever and take it to her. Tell her I thought you might like some coffee... how's it going over here with you? keep the convo going...

 

Just being nice, curious in a friendly way about her.... try to engage as individuals. not parents, not a team, not a couple.... build toward more romantic and physically intimate exchanges.

 

Make little dates for when the kids are asleep... even if its just a few minutes... rub her feet and ask her things you don't know about her... maybe from when she was kid....

 

show her life can be pleasant and happy... she might be reluctant at first or not really understand what you are doing, but that's where you just go completely honest... i want to connect with you more. i don't want to waste time being distant. i love you more than i think you realize.

 

stop making your marriage about others... Do your part.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I love her, am attracted to her and feel I’ve lost her.

 

Have you expressed this to her?

 

The impression I get, reading through this thread, is that you've both been feeling lost for a good long while, without figuring out a way to express that honestly, vulnerably, nakedly, softly.

 

I understand that, right now, you are hyper-focused on these texts, filled with rage and confusion and a hollow pit in your stomach, and pretty desperate for that hurt to be seen by her, validated, soothed. Which, yes, you deserve. Hard part is that she is hurting too, and wants her hurt seen by you, so you each end up throwing swords at each other's shields.

 

From where I'm sitting? There is a chance for this whole moment to be exactly what you two need, and have needed, for quite some time. It's messy, yes. It hurts. But at the end of the day? She extended something like a pinky toe out of bounds, and if that's what it takes to open up the doors to some honest, vulnerable, heartfelt communication, to get some help with a therapist in putting down those swords and shields—so be it.

 

Unless, of course, you'd each like this moment to be the end.

Link to post
Share on other sites
If I'm following this right....

 

The texts etc happened in Feb. but you guys never followed thru with counseling?

 

How has she been dressing up and going to work as most people have been quarantined at least part of the time since Feb.

 

If she's still buddy-buddy with this guy on the phone etc, how is that keeping to the boundaries you've set?

 

if you guys are playing this little game of whats allowed, what isnt allowed, thats more parent-child, not husband and wife behavior.

 

The bottom line is the emotional connection between you two is broken and neither of you is working on the marriage.

 

If you're not willing to go all in, say exactly what you want/need and stop this little dance of you complimenting her and being the hall monitor then what is left to save?

 

Spouses should respect each other and the marriage above all others. Thats what the vows say.

 

Of course, we all need friends etc, but there are literally enough people on this planet, that she could find other friends. Ones that dont make you feel less than.

 

If she doesn't agree, then what is your marriage about?

 

There are obviously a lot of problems in the marriage. Many understandable, as you have explained.... And this guy is just a symptom of all the lack she is feeling and all the rejection you are feeling (fear to ask questions, not having the emotional tools to express yourself and hear her)

 

You must start there... you must go back to a place where you like each other as individual people.

 

Make her a cup of coffee or whatever and take it to her. Tell her I thought you might like some coffee... how's it going over here with you? keep the convo going...

 

Just being nice, curious in a friendly way about her.... try to engage as individuals. not parents, not a team, not a couple.... build toward more romantic and physically intimate exchanges.

 

Make little dates for when the kids are asleep... even if its just a few minutes... rub her feet and ask her things you don't know about her... maybe from when she was kid....

 

show her life can be pleasant and happy... she might be reluctant at first or not really understand what you are doing, but that's where you just go completely honest... i want to connect with you more. i don't want to waste time being distant. i love you more than i think you realize.

 

stop making your marriage about others... Do your part.

 

Thanks for the reply. I agree with everything you’ve said.

 

It took until March to get an appointment with an agreed counsellor. My wife had strict conditions attached. Days when she would or wouldn’t go. Cost. Couldn’t do evenings. I honestly didn’t think it was going to happen.

 

But I found someone. We had our first intro. I found it really positive and so did she. The lady suggested my wife needed a few sessions just with her. To find out what was going on as my wife basically said she didn’t know what she wanted or how she felt.

 

Then the counsellor was sick. Then lockdown started. Then the counsellor went awol. I’ve suggested other counsellors or reviewing it as an option but she doesn’t want to discuss it or the relationship in general just now.

 

With regard being on lockdown and dressing up. Well that’s exactly what happens. The three days she works, she gets up, washes and does her make up etc. In fact she’s topping it up constantly throughout the day. The days she doesn’t work none of the above happens. As has been pointed out this could be just a work face and why shouldn’t it be. I’ll probably get some abuse somewhere for raising it.

 

She spends her days on MS teams in video calls and using chat. Upstairs with the door closed. I look after the children.

 

Some days she’s pleasant others she’s very dismissive and has lots of contempt. She’s very critical of everything.

 

I do take up drinks and things including anything that might help her day. I send texts and try and stay connected throughout her working day but with respect to her privacy.

 

I understand that I can’t fix something over night with a few extra cups of tea though.

 

With regard boundaries they were never kept. She did go to the after party she’d asked about and this was only two weeks and the first chance after our chat. As has been pointed out to me, asking her not to was controlling and she is free to do what she wants. Which is what she said and did. I really hoped despite everything she would have maybe seen how important it was just to respect each other right now but she hasn’t. I still also believe she messages this guy on days off and I know they team chat continuously throughout the day. Then complains she hasn’t got enough work done so goes back to it in the evenings.

 

I’ve asked without prejudice if they are still engaging in what she said they were doing before and she got very angry and dismissive. Basically said she was trapped. I have seen her drafting messages to him on her phone.

 

Maybe as has been pointed out it is all in my head but with no effort on her part and all on mine I’m struggling to keep moving forward with it and not feel like a chump.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Have you expressed this to her?

 

The impression I get, reading through this thread, is that you've both been feeling lost for a good long while, without figuring out a way to express that honestly, vulnerably, nakedly, softly.

 

I understand that, right now, you are hyper-focused on these texts, filled with rage and confusion and a hollow pit in your stomach, and pretty desperate for that hurt to be seen by her, validated, soothed. Which, yes, you deserve. Hard part is that she is hurting too, and wants her hurt seen by you, so you each end up throwing swords at each other's shields.

 

From where I'm sitting? There is a chance for this whole moment to be exactly what you two need, and have needed, for quite some time. It's messy, yes. It hurts. But at the end of the day? She extended something like a pinky toe out of bounds, and if that's what it takes to open up the doors to some honest, vulnerable, heartfelt communication, to get some help with a therapist in putting down those swords and shields—so be it.

 

Unless, of course, you'd each like this moment to be the end.

 

I don’t want it to be the end. I believe she’s genuinely not sure which might be why she isn’t committing to making it work.

 

I have laid myself bare with my feelings. If she’d had a full blown affair and it was certain I’d still work on it if it meant we moved forward and reconnected. Her feelings about me are “I love you but I’m not in love with you”.

 

I need a little from her though. The phrase clapping with one hand comes to mind.

 

I have seen it exactly as you’ve described. An opportunity for us both to pull our socks up and have the relationship we deserve. I was hoping counselling would give us the safe space to talk and try and work on things. I’m still holding out on that.

 

Yeah I get the pinky toe. Just my gut is telling me it’s attached to the rest of her which may still be going over that line. As in her reluctance to devote the energy is because of maybe limerence with the other guy. I hear it in her voice when she’s on calls with him and i get that knot.

 

Thanks for your reply though and time to read and be balanced about it.

Edited by La Pinta
Additional reply
Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't see you as controlling or otherwise. Actually the opposite. I think you've shown great restraint and asked thoughtful questions. Given the situation you are entitled to answers.

It appears you both have come very complacent. It's just surprising that this has been going on for so long and neither of you have addressed it. It's also not a big surprise that when two people who are so disconnected someone seeks attention else where.

The good news is this is a wake up call.

I don't have a crystal ball and can't predict what the outcome will be, but you have small children to think of. Before either of you call it quits, you owe all 4 of you to exhaust all efforts to see if this is salvageable. At least you will be able to look back without regrets for having not tried.

I wish you the best. . .

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks. That means a lot!

 

You’ve hit the nail on the head regards considering the children and ensuring ive done everything i possibly can. I wouldn’t normally come onto forums but I'm literally out of ideas (and support).

 

We moved to be nearer her friends and family to better support us having kids. As it is that hasn’t worked out in terms of support but I’ve not made any inroads into friendships due to my job and being available to the family the rest of the time. My wife has developed a very wide range of friends and contacts.

Edited by La Pinta
Spelling
Link to post
Share on other sites

It's a lot to take on at the same time, but what can you do enrich your own life?

 

When one spouse world expands and the others gets smaller, there is bound to be an imbalance.

 

Can you join a hiking club or something? Something for you. It shifts the dynamic and you ultimately don't feel so vulnerable and life has a better sense of balance. When you are fulfilled in other areas, you feel better about yourself and in turn become more attractive to your partner.

 

In turn your wife needs a better outlet then drinking til 5 am while you are home with small children.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I’m trying to work on me including my wider life.

Lockdown has shown me that I don’t do enough outside of the family because nothings changed for me. Where as my wife is really struggling and is only happy on days she’s working and spending time video calling colleagues (not just matey boy).

 

I agree about her going out til 5am. Especially on my birthday and my sons birthday. I know she’s entitled but timing is everything right? Her going out the next week was really hurtful. She actually mentioned it before it happened and she asked if I was okay with it. I asked if she had to. Said I hadn’t seen much of her and would rather we did something. Especially as her sister was going to be over for that weekend. I just wanted some time with her. She begrudgingly said fine. I told her I didn’t want her feeling pressured about that and ultimately it was her choice. She said she wasn’t going out.

Then I get the text asking me pick the kids up. It was things like this that made me question what was actually going on here. She has pulled away from the whole family.

 

I recognise how she would want her own time though. She has been out lots and gets to wine and dine lots.

 

She has subsequently said she’d like to go off on her own backpacking and just experience new things and meet new people. Then said she was wanting to go away with a mate to Ibiza.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Pretty much figured it's something like that.

 

Reason I'm asking is that those initial texts you posted, this sort of iffy flirty chatter is really quite typical in those circles and also meaningless. Flirty, bold personalities move products and services but generally speaking, people know it's all meaningless bs. A good looking, well dressed guy who comes in and chats up and flirts a bit with the 60+ receptionist will get to see me and make his pitch, while others get shown out the door. That's just one of those life realities.

 

Same thing goes for your wife dressing up, make up, etc. It's not really appropriate to be frumpy or part of the culture and some companies are bigger on this than others.

 

I'm saying all this because I do think that you totally over reacted to reading those texts and ended up creating an even bigger emotional rift between yourself and your wife.

 

HOWEVER.....the fact that your marriage has been in shambles for years is very real. My point is that this guy is a red herring. The real issue is what is actually going on between the two of you. We are talking literally years and years of a rift. I'm not blaming you, just to be clear, but I think you have been excusing her distance from you for way too long because of all the other issues, kind of sweeping things under the rug rather than addressing them. Telling yourself it's OK because this happened and that happened....but it's not OK and hasn't been OK. You haven't been OK for a long time yourself either if you stop and think about it for a moment.

 

Between the miscarriages, not wanting intimacy, depression and possibly post partum, the emotional rift - there is a lot going on. Add to it that the two of you have been overwhelmed with raising kids and stopped dating each other. I know you mentioned you don't have help, but once in awhile getting a babysitter and having some adult time is critical. Again, this is not just on you, but both of you. If you try or tried and she is always rejecting you - that needs to be addressed because that on her, not you.

 

I don't think you are wrong or crazy to feel threatened by this guy. I have no doubt that your wife is actually enjoying the attention. Still, this is all a symptom and a red herring that you are fixating on. That's not the problem in your marriage and this guy is not going to either fix or break your marriage. Your marriage has been broken for quite some time already. Forget the guy, talk about what you and your wife actually want. Dream a little and figure out how to make that a reality...if that's even possible. If you both truly want it, it's possible to make it happen, but there are no guarantees. It's equally possible that the ashes are too cold to be rekindled. You need to kind of consider that possibility as well.

 

 

My point is that you both need to either focus on how to rebuild your marriage or call it a day. However, for right now, while in quarantine, maybe fixate less on the guy or pushing counseling and....just work on being friends again?

Link to post
Share on other sites

One of the most helpful and balanced pieces of advice I’ve had in more than three months.

 

You must be successful at what you do because your intuition is probably spot on.

 

Thanks for your post. I appreciate the way you wrote it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I’m trying to work on me including my wider life.

Lockdown has shown me that I don’t do enough outside of the family because nothings changed for me. Where as my wife is really struggling and is only happy on days she’s working and spending time video calling colleagues (not just matey boy).

 

I agree about her going out til 5am. Especially on my birthday and my sons birthday. I know she’s entitled but timing is everything right? Her going out the next week was really hurtful. She actually mentioned it before it happened and she asked if I was okay with it. I asked if she had to. Said I hadn’t seen much of her and would rather we did something. Especially as her sister was going to be over for that weekend. I just wanted some time with her. She begrudgingly said fine. I told her I didn’t want her feeling pressured about that and ultimately it was her choice. She said she wasn’t going out.

Then I get the text asking me pick the kids up. It was things like this that made me question what was actually going on here. She has pulled away from the whole family.

 

I recognise how she would want her own time though. She has been out lots and gets to wine and dine lots.

 

She has subsequently said she’d like to go off on her own backpacking and just experience new things and meet new people. Then said she was wanting to go away with a mate to Ibiza.

 

Sorry but this all sounds like your wife wants to be single while you sit home and raise the kids. Call bs on that. She either needs to grow up and start acting like a parent that she actually is, or just call it a day and she can go live her single life while paying you child support. She can't have it both ways.

 

However, raising kids doesn't mean you both need to sit home, doom and gloom. My parents had me when they were very young. They also traveled a lot. Guess what? I traveled with them and what an enriching life that was for me as a child. So....if she genuinely wants to save the marriage, can you both work out how to live a fuller and more fulfilling life as a couple?

Link to post
Share on other sites
She has subsequently said she’d like to go off on her own backpacking and just experience new things and meet new people. Then said she was wanting to go away with a mate to Ibiza.

 

How does she square this up with the responsibilities of being a mother?

 

I don't mean to suggest that parents give up traveling. But backpacking often implies a longer time away, and it sounds like your children are quite young. What's her thoughts on how this would work?

 

My point is that she seems very unhappy and is looking for an escape. Be it through her flirty work buddy, backpacking or a boozy party holiday in Ibiza - she is very thirsty for change and excitement. The fact that she's also told you she doesn't know how she feels about the marriage anymore suggests she is edging closer and closer to the door. This is not a woman who's fulfilled with her current lot in life and I would bet that any day now she's going to ask to "take a break" from the marriage. She's strongly hinting at it already.

 

There's only so much you can do, OP. She has to want to work on this too. What are you prepared to do it the event that she wants a time-out from you, your marriage and your family?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes I have questioned both her suitability for a serious relationship and being a parent. She certainly struggles at being a parent for a lot of the time. As you say, I’ve swept the reasons under the rug and got on with trying to support her.

 

In essence I think I’ve made myself unattractive in ways by losing my own self respect. Going more than the extra mile(S).

 

As you say. Lockdown gives the opportunity to reflect and decide what hi want out of this.

 

The red herring does pee me off though. I guess I need to get past this.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes I have questioned both her suitability for a serious relationship and being a parent. She certainly struggles at being a parent for a lot of the time.

 

And what struggles does she have, specifically?

Link to post
Share on other sites
How does she square this up with the responsibilities of being a mother?

 

I don't mean to suggest that parents give up traveling. But backpacking often implies a longer time away, and it sounds like your children are quite young. What's her thoughts on how this would work?

 

My point is that she seems very unhappy and is looking for an escape. Be it through her flirty work buddy, backpacking or a boozy party holiday in Ibiza - she is very thirsty for change and excitement. The fact that she's also told you she doesn't know how she feels about the marriage anymore suggests she is edging closer and closer to the door. This is not a woman who's fulfilled with her current lot in life and I would bet that any day now she's going to ask to "take a break" from the marriage. She's strongly hinting at it already.

 

There's only so much you can do, OP. She has to want to work on this too. What are you prepared to do it the event that she wants a time-out from you, your marriage and your family?

 

Time out isn’t a practical option and I often feel a lot of the not separating but continued behaviour and resentment from her is as she often says when she’s had enough “trapped”. Our kids are at nursery and she only works three days a week. Well and into the evenings at home. So she doesn’t have the affordability to walk away.

 

At one point during all this I did say ok ok. Let’s divorce. Get through lockdown. We’ll sell the house. Decide on the children and in the interim you can pay a proportionate amount towards the bills. She became emotionally enraged. Literally pulling her hair out and throwing things about. Eventually calmed her down. When she came down from it she said it was fear of her financial circumstance, living in a rough area and what people would think of her that caused the reaction. Plus feeling out of control.

 

I originally gave this three months but seem as lockdown has dominated that and therapy hasn’t happened I’ll keep going but eventually I will have to finish it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Agree. She feels "trapped, not because she has kids or works part-time, but because she is with someone over-bearing. This is not about a recent job and coworker texting. This is about an unhappy marriage. And not just because of being a SAHM, but from feeling like a prisoner who has to constantly answer to her captor.

 

Unfortunately you are pointing fingers at her as if she is "crazy" yet the phone is by her bed for feeding the kids?

 

It sounds like you are afraid to lose her, but not because of some coworker or texting, but because you know at some level you treat her badly and as if she is an idiot and a child. Otherwise some texting would never threaten you to the point of trying to make a federal case out of it replete with surveys, research, etc. And add to this you threaten divorce? You need to read up on signs of an abuser, not signs of a cheater.

My point is that she seems very unhappy and is looking for an escape.

Link to post
Share on other sites
And what struggles does she have, specifically?

 

Temper and patience mainly. She copes for about forty minutes in the morning before I’d say she looses it with the kids. She wants to be the all focussed, resourced mum but in reality she puts her energy and effort into work. She hated maternity leave and has said she felt resentful to me for working.

 

It’s upsetting and I’m actually upset for her because I know she wants to be more than that but her character prevails. She is very short tempered. Takes things to heart. Gets wound up and argumentative. She’d get into road rage and arguments very easily with anyone. She’s quit jobs due to over reacting in the past.

 

In fact she went away on a whole company xmas trip abroad. She came back sad and upset saying she might leave and didn’t like the people. Saying she didn’t agree with how they were. Now they are her lifeline. Basically she described them as her only positive aspect in life.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...