Jump to content

Txt messages from wife to coworker


Recommended Posts

I could make this really long and give copious amounts of information but will just present the cold facts first.

 

I was presented (yes I didn’t go onto the phone, it’s PIN protected but my toddler was given it and she brought it to me with texts open) with my wife’s mobile phone open at the text app.

 

It was an early (7:30) Saturday morning and regardless of my intentions I saw a message listed at 6am to a guy at the top of the messages. It was from my wife to him in response to one he sent at 3am (so I’m guessing he was out drinking on the Friday). Just emojis.

 

At this point I snooped. It was from a male colleague.

 

3am him: 👀

6am her: 😜

 

Then I scrolled back to where it started which was the Thursday night when she went out to meet an old friend at a shopping mall in the evening.

 

I would like your thoughts on this, I’ll write it out as it was written and remembered by me. The messages on the phone were just one exchange (yes I know this doesn’t preclude anything deleted before I read them which I suspect have been).

 

1830- Her: How was training?

Him: good. I think you’d like it. What you upto?

Her: I’m out to meet x at (a shopping centre) for a coffee. He’s a doctor.

Him: ooh. Out for a gossip with your fancy doctor friend are you?

Her: He’s gay and I save my gossip for nights out 😉 what are you upto?

Him: nothing.just watching videos.

Her: oh you should have said. You could have met me and spent your vouchers. What are you watching?

Him: just YouTube videos.

Her: (mentions a shared company product in jest)

Him: besides it will be time for (mentions a tv show) soon. But I hate to watch it on my own. I like to be judgmental.

Her: yeah me too. I like to talk it through.

Him: I know I shouldn’t ask but you could come here?

 

Now at this point I don’t recollect what was said next. A combination of her coming back upstairs and my gut coming online i reset the phone back to my toddler. I know she didn’t go to his house because of the time frame and general locations of the shopping centre and our house and when she got in.

 

Just your thoughts for now. What i will say is she hasn’t been working closely with this guy for that long and these texts follow two work nights out. One two Thursdays prior. Where as part of a company they had to stay away in a hotel and wine and dine customers. She said they were out until 5am. (So drinking 7pm-5am). The second night was the following Friday (the week before these texts came in) and she went for “a bite to eat and a few drinks” after work. Well that’s what she text me when she asked if I could collect the kids from nursery. Again she was home at 1:30 in the morning after an hour train ride back from the city. Which is also the last train.

 

So basically after two nights out spanning about 19hrs of drinking the above happens....

 

Incidentally the first night out was my birthday and my sons 4th birthday. The second night out was the night before the postponed birthday celebrations for my son.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 60
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Ten years this October. Two kids, one four, one two.

 

At this stage I’m just looking for peoples views on the dialogue. But I do have my opinions and views otherwise I would not be posting here. That’s not to sound dismissive. I’m just aware that if i start to throw in further detail or aspects it will polarise thinking.

 

You say “usually this flirty?” Which aspect do you consider flirty?

Edited by La Pinta
Additional points
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hard to say out of context and paraphrased this way. Have you or she been unfaithful in the past? Is there a reason to think friendly co-worker texting is an affair? Are you both working?

Ten years this October.You say “usually this flirty?” Which aspect do you consider flirty?
Link to post
Share on other sites
Hard to say out of context and paraphrased this way. Have you or she been unfaithful in the past? Is there a reason to think friendly co-worker texting is an affair? Are you both working?

 

I appreciate it’s hard to say but it’s what I’m looking at. It’s not paraphrased, it’s how it was exchanged verbatim with a little bit of background.

 

I’ve not been unfaithful and neither has she from what I know. We are both working.

 

Ok you said flirty before, now friendly?

 

My concern to be honest is the line from him “I know I shouldn’t ask”. It’s a strange opening point to make. Either you know someone and are confident and happy to ask them to your house or your not. To me it reads like he shouldn’t but is going to anyway. Has something happened and stopped? Something nearly happened and was halted. He has a gf.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, the fact that you don't remember what was said next makes it impossible to put the situation in context.

 

Him: I know I shouldn’t ask but you could come here?

 

Now at this point I don’t recollect what was said next.

 

For all I know, she may have said, "Hell no." And then it's a nonissue.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Asked if she is the flirty type in general. The messages are hard to decipher, particularly when you are not communicating with her about it (since you don't want her to know you looked through her phone) and you seem to be quite suspicious of her new job/coworkers.

 

They may enjoy each other's company or kid around a lot, who knows. If you think your marriage is in trouble then talk to her. You don't have to mention the phone messages but you may be building a lot up in your mind ...or seeing the start of your marriage unravel. Only talking with her (or marriage therapy) will tell.

My concern to be honest is the line from him “I know I shouldn’t ask”. He has a gf.
Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok so I’ve deliberately held back on details following this as I just wanted thoughts on the txt exchange at this point.

 

You are right with regard what she said next. I think it was along the lines of not acknowledging it “have a nice night”. But then obviously he sent her a 3am emoji and she replied at 6am whilst still in bed next to me.

 

We have discussed it and their is lots mor which I’ll update here tomorrow but just wanted a few thoughts on the texts first.

Link to post
Share on other sites

What are the relationship boundaries between you two? Are you allowed to exchange numbers and be buddies with the opposite sex, including co-worker friends? I don't have any friends who would be so rude as to text me at 3 a.m. When he asked her to come over, if that's not part of your decided-on boundaries, and if he's crossing the line with flirting, it would be up to her to shut him down and end a "friendship" that is going into dangerous territory. If she doesn't, she likes the ego boost and if it's not a physical affair, it could be an emotional affair. That's why the term "work husband" exists.

 

If it were me, I wouldn't hold this inside. I'd tell her what happened when your child handed you the phone, and it alarmed you seeing a text from another man at 3:00 a.m., and you decided to see what that was about.

 

You can tell a lot by how she answers to that.

 

When people are entering affairs, there will be changes you will notice. If she's paying more attention to her looks. If she's staying away from home more often. If she guards her phone, taking it from room to room, even to the bathroom, which didn't seem to happen here.

 

Sometimes I think your guardian angels make sure you see what you should see. It's worth a discussion, and maybe to revisit relationship boundaries. By her responses, you will see what her priorities are, and perhaps she can clarify what's going on which may trump your assumptions. It's irrelevant that he has a gf. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am fairly open minded but I think staying out drinking until 5 am, 3am texts, invitations to come over is far too loose of an arrangement in even a marriage between two liberal minded adults.

 

Is there something going on here? Can't tell by what you've shared, but it definitely sounds like the boundaries are loose enough here that they could easily go up in flames.

 

I am all about trust but at the same time you don't put yourself in enough precarious situations like this and continue to trust that something might not go sideways.

 

It's the same as raising children. Boundaries and limits make them feel safe and cared for. You don't let your kids play on the freeway for a few good reasons.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I know I shouldn't ask = he knows your wife is married so she probably told him.

 

But there is definitely a flirt going on his side and she knows it. She doesnt say a lot but she still reply and entertain.

 

My guess: I don't think your wife is having an affair BUT she seems bored and she seems likes she is looking for excitement. So be carefully with that.

 

I dont know you personally but 10 years 2 kids, its important to keeps the magical sparks between you two.

 

For now leave it like that do not says nothing because you dont have enough evidence. Ill suggest you to observ and open you eyes to your wife behavior to see if there is any change.

Link to post
Share on other sites
My guess: I don't think your wife is having an affair BUT she seems bored and she seems likes she is looking for excitement. So be carefully with that.

 

That was my read on it, too.

 

How often do you two get time alone together, OP?

Link to post
Share on other sites

EPISODE 2

 

Firstly thanks for everyone’s replies and thoughts.

 

I deliberately started it here because I wanted some opinions on what I found without adding in what happened next. It looks like from the replies that generally we all agree it’s not routine behaviour and points to issues.

 

Other points leading up to this:

 

- she made much greater efforts on her appearance, baggy jumpers turned to tight shortish dresses with heeled boots or shoes. Or a tight fitting top with tight trousers and heels. Nothing unacceptable but a lot sexier. It definitely works for me.

- she started the gym although didn’t bother going much.

- make up increased. Heavy on eye liner and lipstick. She’s always been pretty low maintenance with makeup unless going out but that level of make up became the norm on work days only. She doesn’t bother at weekends or days off.

- lots more perfume, I mean heavy on it.

- text and WA notifications no longer coming to front of phone screen.

 

But this can be countered with her general ambivalence to going to work and getting on with folk, post new year, living in an old maternity wardrobe, we went away over Xmas and she felt drab next to the other mums, openly said she would try and make more of an effort in herself and at work. Funds held her back on new clothes and her parents have her a board load of makeup as a New Years present. So whilst I didn’t automatically think affair I did notice. She is also about to hit 40.

 

Back to the texts, This is what happened next:

 

I said nothing and observed that morning. She was on/off her phone. She’d pick it up when I went out the room and put it down when I came back in. I could see her through a window into the room she was in. I’d see her using the phone and then say something like “I’ll just go see mummy” loud enough for her to hear and observe how she would react. She’d put the phone down rapid style.

 

She keeps the phone in bed with her. This is an old habit. She uses it as an alarm and a throwback to having babies and feeding in the night.

 

On the morning I read the texts and after observing her behaviour I started to ask. I started with asking if she’d had a text in the night or early morning as something woke me. She said no. Another red flag for me. I said it was strange as I was sure something woke me up. She added she has only had a WA message from a mums group. Then she said her phone is always on airplane anyway so nithing would have come through to wake me.

 

I left it a little while. Considered what to do and decided to strike whilst the iron was hot. I knew I couldn’t fester on it and I must have already been showing signs of distraction because she had repeatedly asked me if something was up that morning. Although i did suspect she might have known I could have seen her phone. When she came to get it she ran into the room and checked it’s state. I digress....

 

She was cooking some lunch for the kids and I told her what had happened. That our daughter had brought me the phone. Basically asking to put it back to whatever animation had been put on it to occupy her briefly. That she gave it to me with the text app open.

 

My wife didn’t say anything. I said that I saw a message really early that morning to a guy and although she wasn’t going to like it I read it. I said I thought it was odd she was texting someone at 6am.

 

She just said “right?”. She wasn’t going to say anymore. I asked why he was texting her at 3am. She said she didn’t know and Assumed he was out and probably drunk. I asked what he meant by “I know I shouldn’t ask but you could come here”. She said she didn’t know as she didn’t write it. At this point I started to get a bit rattled by her deliberate lack of response. I didn’t get angry but was more direct. I asked her if she’d gone to his house before. As if “come here” was to suggest she knew where that was. After all he didn’t write “you could come to my house”. She said “no”. I asked why he’d written “I know I shouldn’t ask”. She said I don’t know.

 

I asked is something going on, this doesn’t feel normal to me. She said “no we’re just friends”. Red flag number 2. “Theirs nothing innit and we just have a laugh”. Then added “I’ll ask him to delete my number”.

 

She hadn’t turned to face me at all during this exchange. Just stood at the cooker stirring the pasta sauce.

 

I asked if further correspondence had taken place that morning and she said she asked him if he’d had a good night and that was it.

 

The children were at our feet by this point and one of them had hurt themselves so the discussion was halted. I said we’d need to talk further about it. She muttered something about me going through her phone.

 

Then my son needed to go to a class so we were apart for a couple of hours.

 

When we regrouped she was angry. She started throwing one liners about spying on her and going through her phone all the time. Now she has a passcode and I don’t know it. I’ve also never tried to look. She added she had deleted all her texts and her Facebook so I wouldn’t be tempted to look at anything anymore. At this point I could feel the shift to be about me and I wasn’t going to have it.

 

I asked again about what was going on. It went back and forth but eventually she said the following:

 

- we get on really well

- have the same sense of humour

- same personality

- we banter with each other

- it’s just cheeky flirty banter

- we have a spark

 

I asked her if she liked him and she said “no he’s just a friend” I asked if she fancied him or if she thought he fancied her and she said no/he has a gf.

 

Again kids got in the way but by this point my fears were starting to become reality.

 

At the end of the day we tried to talk further once the kids were in bed. She was very closed up about it all. I asked why she lied about receiving the text at 3am and she said “I knew you would react this way”.

 

After further discussion and her not bringing anything other than saying “I’m not and haven’t had an affair” she offered up that she didn’t know how she felt about us anymore and wether she wanted to continue in the relationship. This was another bombshell for me and did totally distract from what I’d originally been focussed on.

 

We talked about it and she said if we were to make it work then we needed to have counselling otherwise we should separate.

 

Now further information about us. Our intimacy has been non existent since before our first child. We had a number of unexplained miscarriages which led to ivf. This was around 2012-14. We moved to where her friends and family were and kept trying medically until it was successful in 2016.

 

She went back to work after 14 months of maternity and we accidentally got pregnant at a friends wedding. It was the first time we’d been away or out since having our son and we didn’t spend any time together that night. Just the hotel room at the end. My daughter was born in 2018.

 

She said she didn’t have a labido during this period and I wrote it off respectfully, blaming it on clinical depression before miscarriages/miscarriages/iVF/pregnancy and fears of miscarriage/Caesarian section for birth plus post natal depression/fatigue during early baby days (we had zero support and I was working although did get a month for paternity and a further 12 weeks paid leave before she went back to work)/pregnancy and baby #2 almost straight away/again c-section and post natal desperation/clinical anxiety/fatigue.

She is also still breastfeeding and I’m aware this can ruin labido/scramble hormones a bit.

 

I learnt to not ask or attempt anything as rejection and her reaction to it was difficult for both of us. I’ve waited and hoped to get to a point where we could rekindle. I’m mindful the zero support means we don’t go out or do anything apart from raise kids. Her job has become her escape. My job pays for everything.

When we went on holiday for Christmas she had taken condoms with her which were from our daughters post birth pack the hospitals send out. I’d tried to engage with her most nights knowing this but she was never in the mood. Tired or down. Not happy.

 

Back to the story, I said I wanted to think about it all and said we should discuss it and decide in a weeks time. She said she was happy to discuss it now. I said I needed to think. She said she was happy to do counselling. I said again (although I knew I didn’t want to divorce and wanted counselling) that I’d think about it all.

 

I’ll write what happened next in another reply and this one is getting on the large side.

 

Feel free to comment in the mean time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
What are the relationship boundaries between you two? Are you allowed to exchange numbers and be buddies with the opposite sex, including co-worker friends? I don't have any friends who would be so rude as to text me at 3 a.m. When he asked her to come over, if that's not part of your decided-on boundaries, and if he's crossing the line with flirting, it would be up to her to shut him down and end a "friendship" that is going into dangerous territory. If she doesn't, she likes the ego boost and if it's not a physical affair, it could be an emotional affair. That's why the term "work husband" exists.

 

You can tell a lot by how she answers to that.

 

When people are entering affairs, there will be changes you will notice. If she's paying more attention to her looks. If she's staying away from home more often. If she guards her phone, taking it from room to room, even to the bathroom, which didn't seem to happen here.

.

 

Thanks see my extended reply and further information above this reply.

 

We haven’t ever been specific on boundaries. We had the “we are exclusive to each other” chat 12 years ago. She knows I’m not happy with her flirting because it came up at the early stages of living together a couple of times. I wasn’t too happy on her behaviour with randoms at bars when getting drinks and things. She knows I’m very black and white on this stuff.

 

She knows I wouldn’t be happy with 3am texts from other guys.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I know I shouldn't ask = he knows your wife is married so she probably told him.

 

But there is definitely a flirt going on his side and she knows it. She doesnt say a lot but she still reply and entertain.

 

 

See my update and further information above but to answer your point directly:

 

She went to work for this company after maternity with my son. So around feb 2017. She then got pregnant again that summer and she was at work right up until March 2018, having our daughter at the end of the month.

 

He didn’t work in her team before but did/would have seen her wading round the office as it’s a single room/small city centre company. They all also know each other’s business. She returned to work in 2019 and he moved into her direct team at that point .

 

I agree she is flirting with him. See my other response above.

Link to post
Share on other sites

She's not responsible for his actions however she seems to be discouraging it, yet enjoys the attention. Coming off as the jealous or controlling husband will do more damage than her texting a coworker or being friends with coworkers or entertaining coworkers.

 

She has done nothing inappropriate. She got a new job, and dresses better. Perhaps she needed to go from frumpy mommy mode to professional woman mode? Some women let themselves go when they are SAHMs so she needed to change that anyway.

 

I am not part of a survey seeking a bias by omitting info. Also words rearranged to serve that bias like 'flirty personality in general" etc. She is not on trail and I am posting advice, not part of a jury you are trying to create here.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The vibes I am getting from the whole conversation was that it was innocent. Yes, your wife is probably getting a little too cozy with him and he's pushing for more.

 

It doesn't sound as though anything has gone on....yet. But I would most definitely be on the lookout. If you feel the need to talk with her about it all, then that's your call.

 

But for now it sounds like random banter that is somewhat crossing lines but nothing major as of yet.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay..read your update. Flirtations or flings usually are the side effects of a marriage coming unravelled or personal issues arising.

 

This guy isn't any kind of superhero nor he is her saving grace, he just makes her feel special or pretty, or what have you. That usually happens when she's not feeling those things. It can be a variety of things. Having children (albeit is one of the greatest things in life) can make a woman feel less than sexy with everything that occurs after bearing a child.

Having a child or more than one child can put a strain on a marriage as the couple now learns how to adapt to major changes. Romance, dating, one on one time is very difficult to find and can make the couple feel further apart.

Lack of sleep, money worries, stress in general also cause issues.

 

So she went to work, this guy was nice to her, noticed her...made her feel somewhat wanted. But if she is willing to talk to you about it and even suggested counselling, then she realizes that there are problems and WANTS to fix them. That's a really good sign. She is placing your marriage first. She is acknowledging that there is a problem, that you two have grown apart for various reasons, but she wants to remedy it.

 

Please take the open hand offered to you and go to counselling. Find ways to grow closer to one another again. Make each other feel special, wanted, loved.

I know it's difficult with a more hectic schedule, and it might take more work, but if you truly love one another, it's more than possible.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The following day it came up again in the evening. I tried to discuss it.

 

I said the guy was out of order and that he knew she was married with kids.

 

My wife was concerned that I might do something. I said at this stage she needs to handle it and how would she go about that. She said she wasnÂ’t sure. She said she would speak to him the next working day but wasnÂ’t sure what she would say.

 

She reiterated she hasn’t done anything and it wasn’t an affair. I briefly listed out signs of an affair from a webpage on my phone. The red flags that tallied. You know the “is my partner cheating on me” type.

I said if itÂ’s not physical then is it psychological? She said no.

 

So following this things were difficult but amicable.

The following work day was uncomfortable for me.

 

When we were both home I asked if sheÂ’d spoken to the guy that day.

 

Initially she said no. That she was busy and had kept her head down. She then said something about maybe chatting on the way into the office (from train station but I didnÂ’t pry as she continued talking).

 

She listed all the things he’d had on that day and how busy he was and then said “oh I did see him in the kitchen”.

 

I was a bit perplexed by the way she was so clumsy in her narrative. So I asked what was said.

 

She said she just said something along the lines of hey what you doing texting me at 3am. Apparently he apologised.

 

I continued to discuss it with her because by this point it was my favourite topic in my head.

 

I asked her if sheÂ’d had anymore time to think about it. She said maybe it was the start of something. Maybe an emotional affair. That she had read websites on the train home and attempted to get her phone out to show me and then decided against it. She said lots agreed with her situation but she wasnÂ’t sure. Maybe it was at infancy stage but not sure if it was that or not.

 

I stated to her “so you are saying you’ve had/are in an emotional affair, is that what you are saying?” She said she was just looking at what I read out to her the previous night and to see if it agreed or not. Strange thing was I didn’t say what I was looking for and didn’t use the term emotional affair. I’d never heard of it until then.

 

Following that I researched the backside out of “emotional affair”. Also how to handle it. Although advice is conflicting.

 

I quickly got to grips with the fact that if the marriage is struggling emotionally/physically/spiritually, we have to take extra precautions including precluding closeness with anyone of opposite sex. Also donÂ’t live in limbo.

 

So after much reading, research, honesty with myself and preparation, the following Saturday night came about and we formally brought it all up once again.

 

She was clearly anxious and unprepared. She wasnÂ’t explicitly ready for it but said she wanted to chat.

 

I led it. I had several objectives but my strongest intentions as outlined to her were to make the marriage work. I put that out there straight away. I said IÂ’d done lots of reading and reflecting and listening. That I felt better prepared to discuss things compared to the day I read the texts.

 

I had a few outcomes:

 

- understand where she is at and what she wants going forward (divorce? Marriage?)

- get closure on her new work friend

- next steps including agreements.

 

So we started with how she was feeling and what she wanted. We discussed info already covered about feelings. Nothing new. She got upset. I felt it was starting to move towards a break up. She said that in the middle of the week she thought she was going to ask to separate. But then said she doesnÂ’t want that. She mentioned our children. Then said she wanted to try counselling.

 

Then we got onto her and this guy.

 

I said I wanted full disclosure. She was generally not forthcoming and defensive/agitated.

 

What happened and when. She said they started chatting since that first night out. DidnÂ’t spend any real 1-2-1but did bond within the group. She said they spent 1-2-1 time the following Friday.

 

I asked when did things change to texting and she said just when I read that text. IÂ’m not convinced about that.

 

I asked how she felt about him now and she said “nothing”.

 

I asked about the emotional affair as she’d previously said and she replied “your words, nothing happening”. I knew I needed to stay controlled as she wouldn’t open up but she wasn’t and it was aggravating me inside.

 

I asked about the “come here” part of the exchange and she said it wasn’t that way. She said they had spoken about running together but she didn’t think it was appropriate. Them being out together would appear weird. This however conflicted with her text that had said he could have met her at the shopping centre. So I asked her again. She said they had spoken in general about hanging out. I asked what she meant by that. She said she didn’t know, drinks maybe. I said just the two of you? She said yes.

 

I asked what had happened within that conversation and she said that she told him her husband wouldnÂ’t like it.

 

I told her I was confused how this all got to this stage. Asking to go for drinks and stuff. She said she had become a lot more flirty and playful.

I asked why and for how long and she said she didnÂ’t know and just the last couple of weeks.

 

I asked if he was a pursuer or rescuer. I talked about her position and things like work/family stress, being unhappy.

 

She said he wasnÂ’t a pursuer. I wanted to clarify that and said his texts, his chasing, their apparent agreement not to hang out then he asks her round, messaging again at 3am. Seems like a pursuer.

 

She didnÂ’t respond. I asked should I speak to him?

 

At this point she became very agitated and upset. She shouted NO. This was the first real reaction. She said “don’t you dare, or we really will be over”.

 

I remained calm and said IÂ’m just trying to establish whatÂ’s going on, it looks like he is chasing you.

 

She said “no it’s all me right! He’s done nothing. Don’t go ruining his relationship and my career!”

 

I left that and asked about his gf. I asked what’s with it. She said “I don’t know, think they have problems”

 

I asked if sheÂ’d discussed our relationship and she said a little. I tried to talk about the importance of not doing that and thatÂ’s when things start to happen. Confiding.

 

ThatÂ’s when I discussed recognising what was going on, self validating it and the importance of cutting off ties with the other person. She said she wasnÂ’t going to leave her job (I hadnÂ’t asked her). I was speaking not specifically during this. I said we needed to recommit to making the relationship work. Find out the dissatisfaction, figure out the struggles, go to workshops, therapy, self help books. That the relationship seemed to be on the brink by what she was saying and we needed to lay it all out.

 

That it would take time but whatever we need to do we need to do it to develop trust and recommitment. Whatever laid the ground work to a potential EA has to change.

 

I told her she needed to speak to this guy more directly if things were still active. She said she didnÂ’t know how to do that. I said again how important it was and wether she wanted to go down the route of saying maybe sheÂ’d given the wrong impression or that IÂ’d seen the texts or something. That she needs to concentrate her efforts on her marriage and that her husband takes it seriously.

 

She begrudgingly agreed.

 

Then we talked about boundaries. For me they were as follows:

 

- no comms outside of work including txt/wa/fb/LinkedIn/etc

- no nights out with this guy, even in a group setting

- no late nights in the office working

- no hotels away

- just business

- no meeting outside of work

- no flirting with him

 

She agreed and added she hadnÂ’t been working late. She then asked if no late night means she couldnÂ’t go to an upcoming events after party. I just confirmed no nights out drinking that include this guy.

 

She made a point. She said that if I was to believe her, believe one thing, that it is she will not enter into counselling if she doesnÂ’t want the marriage to work. She also added that if it doesnÂ’t work she doesnÂ’t want it traced back to this and that she wonÂ’t be distracted by anything when working on the marriage.

 

I agreed and said a split energy isnÂ’t going to help it will just siphon off the chance of success.

 

I covered general rules of marriage and what my boundaries are.

 

She then added she was thinking of going back to the doctors to see if she could get the antidepressants previously prescribed but not taken. She said she wouldnÂ’t be able to fix things if her mind wasnÂ’t stable. She said she had spoken to Dr Steve Peters through work. HeÂ’s the guy that wrote the chimp paradox. He advised she go back onto meds.

 

We agreed to look at counselling together and initiate a plan.....

 

See next reply from me

Link to post
Share on other sites

From what you've written, it sounds like there have been underlying problems in your marriage for a long time.

 

This tells me a lot about how she's come to view you:

 

I asked why she lied about receiving the text at 3am and she said “I knew you would react this way”.

 

It tells me that she can't trust you not to overreact.

 

You feel threatened by the lack of sex in your relationship. This could be a symptom of discord in your marriage, not necessarily an affair.

 

You feel threatened by the fact that she's putting more effort into her appearance. Her dressing up every day could be any number of things.

 

She may have decided to turn over a new leaf for herself. She may be trying to get your attention.

 

And yes, she may be trying to get the attention of others. But she had her chance at that and you have evidence that she turned the guy down.

 

This was your chance to sit your wife down and say, "I saw your phone. What's going on? Please stop."

 

Instead, you posted the exchange here in such a way that emotionally-charged readers will automatically leap to the "affair" conclusion.

 

Main stream media couldn't do a better job at sensationalist leading.

 

I do think this may be the early stages of an emotional affair with someone who she feels understands her.

 

If she felt that her husband understood her (and didn't simply suspect her) this may not be happening at all.

 

I think you have opportunity to save this marriage, but it seems you're more interested in preserving a Spy vs Spy mentality.

Link to post
Share on other sites

And what changes are you going to make? This is not all one sided, however you paint it. You cannot police your wife or it really will be splitsville. You need to trust her.

You need to start making her feel loved, YOU flirt with her, make efforts. Find ways to get close to her again.

 

Apologize for basically raking her over the coals and tell her in a more gentle manner that you were worried and it's because you love her so much and she means the world to you.

Be more open to sharing your feelings like this in a more loving manner and not like a dictator.

 

PLEASE go to counselling. It will be a good thing, for you both. Love your wife, take care of your wife, but don't continue to make her feel bad or policed. It will only make her feel even further apart from you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
From what you've written, it sounds like there have been underlying problems in your marriage for a long time.

 

This tells me a lot about how she's come to view you:

 

 

 

It tells me that she can't trust you not to overreact.

 

You feel threatened by the lack of sex in your relationship. This could be a symptom of discord in your marriage, not necessarily an affair.

 

You feel threatened by the fact that she's putting more effort into her appearance. Her dressing up every day could be any number of things.

 

She may have decided to turn over a new leaf for herself. She may be trying to get your attention.

 

And yes, she may be trying to get the attention of others. But she had her chance at that and you have evidence that she turned the guy down.

 

This was your chance to sit your wife down and say, "I saw your phone. What's going on? Please stop."

 

Instead, you posted the exchange here in such a way that emotionally-charged readers will automatically leap to the "affair" conclusion.

 

Main stream media couldn't do a better job at sensationalist leading.

 

I do think this may be the early stages of an emotional affair with someone who she feels understands her.

 

If she felt that her husband understood her (and didn't simply suspect her) this may not be happening at all.

 

I think you have opportunity to save this marriage, but it seems you're more interested in preserving a Spy vs Spy mentality.

 

Hi yes I’m sorry if it comes across that way and I deliberately just wanted to ask about the text exchange as I knew with everything laid out under my own narrative it would bias the responses.

 

I’m not trying to find a jury or some sort of backup. I’m looking for advice such as that given and it’s useful.

 

I haven’t yet finished the account of what’s happened as actually the texts were at the start of February.

 

I’m at a position where things haven’t changed and I’m trying to decide wether that’s because of this EA or not. I have worked on my PIES. I have contacted 12 counsellors and I have arranged sessions. We went to one. The counsellor said she needs to work with my wife first. Then it stopped. So

I’m trying to figure this out by looking at all aspects but I’ve a general feeling her head is turned (even if that’s my fault in the first place).

Link to post
Share on other sites
And what changes are you going to make? This is not all one sided, however you paint it. You cannot police your wife or it really will be splitsville. You need to trust her.

You need to start making her feel loved, YOU flirt with her, make efforts. Find ways to get close to her again.

 

Apologize for basically raking her over the coals and tell her in a more gentle manner that you were worried and it's because you love her so much and she means the world to you.

Be more open to sharing your feelings like this in a more loving manner and not like a dictator.

 

PLEASE go to counselling. It will be a good thing, for you both. Love your wife, take care of your wife, but don't continue to make her feel bad or policed. It will only make her feel even further apart from you.

 

Thanks. I agree. I don’t want to be that person and don’t want to do that to her.

 

What’s important to point out here is that she wasn’t going to tell me about this other guy and wasn’t going to tell me how she felt. She wasn’t going to suggest counselling. It’s as a result of me seeing those texts.

 

This happened in early February and despite my attempts she hasn’t gone to counselling and doesn’t want to talk about anything. Just says she isn’t sure about how she feels. I have over analysed it no doubt. But despite what I do, including working on myself, having a constant hand out to her with affection and support, she rejects it.

 

At this point I feel more alone than I ever have. She continues to contact the guy outside of work on days off and weekends. Including video calls when our children need her. That’s not me saying I sit and say do this/do that. I look after them most of the time and compress my five days into two working days. The rest of the time I support her by looking after the kids. I also pay 100% of all household bills and living costs. My own self respect is coming into question now.

 

I know I cannot get an answer on here but was just looking for a general viewpoint or maybe something I hadn’t considered regards the initial exchange.

 

Some of the comments I’ve thought of myself but don’t understand why she doesn’t want to work on the marriage but continue to do something that I’ve said upsets me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...