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Would my bf change his mind about marriage ?


Mildridbierc

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Hello everyone

I’ve been with my bf for 5 months now , he’s 25 y/o and im 22 y/o . Its his first relationship ever , and before us he used to be comfortable and happy with being single and having one night stands . It took him a lot of effort and time to get out of his comfort zone and start a long distance relationship with me. Lately i’ve been wondering about his thoughts concerning the institute of marriage (not that i want to get married now but i do in the future ) , he said that he couldn’t see the difference between being in a serious relationship and being married and that its more comfortable this way now . I asked would he change his mind in the future he said he doesn’t know and doesn’t think about that subject considering he’s still getting used to being in a serious relationship in the first place.

I respect his opinion and beliefs and am planning on living in the moment with him but what if he doesn’t change his mind? It kind of scares me .

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Have you met in person? Is this a marriage site you are on? Is in-person dating allowed in your culture? If marriage, kids etc are your goals for the future this is not your guy. Why is it long distance?

 

5 mos is way too soon for anyone to know if they want to marry you. You will have to relax and take your time dating, having a relationship, getting to know each other etc before anyone could know if they want to marry you in particular even if they eventually want marriage in a general sense.

I’ve been with my bf for 5 months now , he’s 25 y/o and im 22 y/o .It took him a lot of effort and time to get out of his comfort zone and start a long distance relationship with me.

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If your goal is a serious committed relationship leading to marriage, then don't waste your time on guys who are non-committal players. He is telling you to your face who he is and who he is doesn't match up with your goals. In fact, if you are long distance, you have no idea who he is dating locally. Don't be naive about this stuff.

 

A player who suddenly becomes a perfect prince charming makes for great Hollywood rom coms. Unfortunately, movies are just movies and reality doesn't play out like that. In reality, players stay players, cheaters keep cheating, liars keep lying - people don't change who they are. Nothing to do with love or romance and certainly nothing to do with healthy relationships.

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Since you've dated him for 5 months and in a LDR (long distance relationship), after 5 months, if it were me, I'd want to know his thoughts regarding marriage, too.

 

My husband and I discussed marriage after dating only 3 months! However, we were both already serious minded and committed to each other back then. I'm not saying discussing marriage early on is for everybody. It's just what we did because we knew we had found "thee one" for life. We both wanted a suburban house, 2 great sons which we have, the white picket fence and a happily ever after just like his parents had. :D

 

Now back to you. I don't think there's anything wrong with having a mature and calm discussion regarding his thoughts of marriage, opinions, goals or find out if he's simply not interested in a marriage type commitment. At least you'll know where he stands and if marriage isn't important to him, you'll realize you're wasting your time with him if marriage is what you want eventually after getting to know your boyfriend better.

 

At 5 months, he's in the mindset of not seeing the difference between a serious relationship and marriage and you're pro-marriage. Hence, having a relationship with him will only be strictly boyfriend-girlfriend.

 

He's not marriage material. He's indecisive and prefers his freedom. Some men don't want to feel shackled with the thought of marriage for themselves. They don't want to envision themselves pushing a lawnmower on a Saturday afternoon. Some men want to sow their wild oats before settling down. Some men think, "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?"

 

It kind of scares you? Marriage scares him! :eek:

 

You're right about respecting his opinions and beliefs. However, he doesn't want what you want which is marriage. Either accept him the way he is as simply a LDR boyfriend or exit the relationship and be with a local man who sincerely wants to marry you as your relationship with him progresses.

 

To his credit, at least he's not stringing you along. At least he's completely honest with you. There are men who make their girlfriends believe that marriage is a possibility when it reality, they deceive their girlfriends all along with no marriage intentions whatsoever which is worse IMHO. That story is as old as time. :upset:

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I'm going to have to presume, since the OP never responded, that this relationship isn't "long distance", it's online-only.

 

And that's fine, but to expect marriage to develop with someone you don't see in person is kind of unrealistic.

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Never stay with someone hoping for a major change. Having two opposing mindsets on a major deal like this is a dealbreaker. Have some standards. Write out a must-have list and dealbreaker list and stick with it. Even if the guy is sexy and fun, he's not worth settling for if you don't match in the major ways.

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He doesn't want to get married -- at least not to you and if he ever gets to a different stage in life and decides he wants to be married, he will find someone that is suitable for him. If he wanted to get married, he would look for someone local who could have a deeper relationship with him. It sounds like he "finally agreed" to an LDR in a begrudging way. If he was excited about you or at least a relationship, he would have been more motivated to have a relationship with you.

 

Yes, it too early for a man to commit, but its definitely the right time to see what his long range ideas are. If you want to get married in the future, i suggest treating him as mr. for now, and/or breaking it off and meeting other guys

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he said that he couldn’t see the difference between being in a serious relationship and being married and that its more comfortable this way now.

Nope, no way. Nah ah. You are wasting investment in this one I’m afraid.

 

People who want marriage will put in the time and commitment to keep a relationship. This guy only sees you nothing more than a fling.

 

In any relationship you walk into, you accept who they are. They have to WANT change - you can’t a force a person to do so or your partner resents you and it will lead to a break up. You need to find a person who aligns with your values. This guy has made it crystal clear that he doesn’t want to be tied down or even AGREE to the value of marriage... that a vibrant bat signal to walk away without looking back.

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Never stay with someone hoping for a major change.

 

Wise words, right there.

 

When I was 25? I was a guy who often riffed about the institution of marriage, my issues with it, and my desire to be in a committed "forever" relationship that didn't need to be christened by the state. It never really "scared" me, marriage, but it just never inspired. Today I am 40, have watched many friends get married, have grown and changed many times over, and my beliefs about marriage are...basically the same. I'm probably more agnostic on the idea than I once was, in the sense that I'm not opposed to it, but I can confidently say I am a million percent okay with living and dying without the experience of being part of a husband-wife duo.

 

Point being? Listen to what people tell you, and be honest about whether it's something you can be yourself alongside. Asking a human being about what they "might" think in the "future" is a recipe for insanity. It is literally impossible for anyone to give an honest answer to questions like that, so to need security in something like that is to seek it in a dishonest, and insecure, place.

 

Lots of people—most, by my observations—are pretty into getting married. Wanting to be with someone who wants that, as you do, is not a tall order. Trying to get him to "come around," however, is.

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I feel the same as bluecastle - I'm 30 and have always been ambivalent about marriage but the older I've gotten, the less I want to do it. I'm leaning towards "no thanks, not ever" now. No one can tell you exactly what they will want in the future. Just being in a serious relationship isn't likely to get him to change his mind. You shouldn't bank on that.

 

My advice? If you want marriage, you need to only date people who want it as well. Not immediately, of course, but people who are open and say "yes I'd like to get married someday when I meet the right person". Experience tells me that people who want to get married are a dime a dozen. It is the path that most people seek out and follow at some point in their life. No need to settle for someone who doesn't have the same goals as you.

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This guy doesn't sounds like he's long-term relationship material (at this point in his life), let alone marriage material.

 

Considering you two are long-distance and even then he needed to get used to being in a relationship, I don't think you should expect much commitment or closeness out of him. It seems like he's doing what he think he "should" do by being in this relationship, rather than doing what he really wants to.

 

How often do you see each other in person?

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If the relationship has been long distance (or just online) since the very start, then how much time have you actually spent with this man? In 5 months you might have had the equivalent of 5 dates with him, maybe, which is way too soon to bring up the M-word. With someone who's never previously been into relationships I'd be surprised if he's not meeting women locally, so cut your losses and find someone closer to you whose aims and values are more in line with yours.

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I respect his opinion and beliefs and am planning on living in the moment with him but what if he doesn’t change his mind? It kind of scares me .

 

If you want marriage and family, you have to keep this in the forefront of your mind and be uncompromising.

 

You have to set a time limit for your relationships with people like this guy.

 

For example, if he isn't budging on his outlook after two years, cut him loose. Two years is plenty.

 

Ideally, you want to go for guys who know they want marriage and family.

 

This "maybe" crap is short-term material for someone like you, who has marriage and family aspirations.

 

But you're still young, so you have a lot of time to futz around.

 

Just be careful not to let yourself get bogged down for years by some dude who keeps saying "Maybe."

 

Unfortunately, that happens to a lot of women: they get hung up on this one "maybe" for eight years or something and find themselves in a panic about marriage and family. Then they have to rush around and settle for whatever.

 

Be decisive and set good habits now, while you are young. Use your time wisely.

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