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Do you guys believe in radio silence?


Whirling D

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Hello everyone…

 

I am no strangers here… I’ve been on here a lot in the last few months.

 

I have felt really supported on here, but I also feel like I’ve taken some lumps, and I try to hard to understand whether I deserve them, or not. Maybe sometimes I do, other times not.

 

So… As many of you know... my lady friend took off just over a week ago (for the second time in 3x mos.), and other than a very hostile telephone call a few days later, we haven’t connected since.

 

I try to understand my role, and I have also done some research on trauma, since that was her main theme for a good chunk of the time I knew her.

 

What I have found out, is that when people with trauma histories are in relationships, things can get very complicated very quickly. This almost fits what I have experienced. Trauma victims very quickly backpedal when in complicated situations and start to lash out at their partners, accusing them of things like...being a bad partner, and not catering to their needs, and this is pretty much exactly what I saw.

 

They also say that what partners need when they go into this sort of “flashback“ anxiety, Is not someone who is defensive and tries to explain everything, which is exactly what I did, but someone who will sit with them and tell them that they love them and that they aren’t going anywhere, which is so far from what I was capable of doing during those moments, feeling like I was dodging weapons.

 

Anyway, it’s been a week. She is posting Memes on her Facebook page, which she blocked me on (but friends are telling me…) and the Memes are very demeaning to me, and our relationship. It’s very hurtful. In retrospect, other than about one Minor disagreement/argument a month, we were doing really welltogether, and I thought I always treated her with respect and kindness.

 

So what’s my point, this time around, you ask.

 

An online relationship expert team claims that going no contact with a significant other that has broken up with you has a very high success rate. To validate that, back in early February, my girlfriend was upset with me with something very similar, although this time it seems more intense. That time around, she wrote me a note and told me she didn’t think she could do it anymore, for many of the same reasons. I went completely no contact, and tried to move on, even though my heart remained true to her, for many complicated reasons.

 

The no contact time of three weeks worked. A little more than three weeks later, she wrote me a long text, essentially saying her final goodbye. I called her right up and we were able to move forward right from that call.

 

This time around, there hasn’t been a formal break up, but I presume her storming out of my house one night, and then hanging up the phone on me in a very angry fashion a few days later, and no contact since, blocking me on Facebook, and changing her status to “single“, those are all pretty significant signs. She was very pissed and she left here and on the phone. Almost irrationally so, in my opinion, but I took a lot of heat for saying that last week.

 

It’s also odd that she broke up with me, and had all of these reasons stacked up that she was willing to tell me, is still posting very detrimental Memes that point to me on her Facebook account. That almost seems to imply that she thought I could or should have been doing more to prevent this. I don’t know what more I could’ve done, under the circumstances, I’m not really understanding where all of this very strange behavior was coming from.

 

Another part of the no contact strategy is to allow the break up partner to have some time to figure out their part in what happened. It would be my hope, that when the dust settles, she will see that her part in this whole fiasco contributed significantly, as well. That realization could make her reconsider her hardlined perspective, and maybe consider reaching out.

 

Some of the profiles I have read about trauma say that these are not uncommon ways that trauma victims lash out at people who they Think are threatening their sense of balance. I do understand that. I wish I had the opportunity to negotiate my part in it with her.

 

So, I am confused as to whether I should continue with a no contact this time around, given that I know that she is very angry and disillusioned with me and our relationship. Part of me wonders if she is equally delusion that I haven’t fought for her. She hung up the phone on me, and I never tried to call her back, or text her, or write her any kind of letter. I completely let it go, based on my previous study of the no contact strategy.

 

If you are reading this, and you don’t know much about the strategy, the idea is to respect the girl’s wishes to break up, and for you to give them space to start processing what Brought them to want to break up with you, and whether it was the right decision. Depending on the level of bonding, most relationship experts believe that the break up partner will almost always start to miss the partner that they broke up with, and very often, almost always, will want to reach back out in some form or another.

 

I’m guessing I’m wondering that, since this is the second time I would be entering no contact, and also given that This time around, her disappointment in me is compounded, I’m wondering if no contact is the right approach. The experts say she likely wouldn’t want to hear for me right now, and more often than not, early contact makes it worse. They say let the girl sit with it a bit and start to miss you, which is more than likely going to start happening, maybe later than sooner.

 

Do you guys buy this? I have a good friend that is trying to convince me that, since my lady friend thinks I did her wrong, even though my wrong seems mild in the greater scheme of things, and things have been going so well outside of that, that my friend thinks I should send her a text and just say a simple hello and that I miss her. My gut tells me that that would be a reasonable thing to do. The experts say stay disciplined and try to stay in no contact, and try to move on,, and if she reaches out, great, and if not you have to work on yourself and move forward, one way or the other.

 

What do you guys think of all of this?

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No contact is the right approach. I don't believe in playing games either. Don't contact if the relationship needs a break or often times a permanent break.

 

Even though my story is not the same as yours, if anyone hangs up on me, it's over. In my case, if I must resume a lukewarm relationship with them, the dynamics suddenly change from my former naivete to new, enforced boundaries because my former trust in them had been obliterated. Whether it's hanging up on me or not handling conflicts in a mature, unemotional manner, I don't trust people with volatile, ranting responses. I don't trust people who are passively aggressive either. I'll remain civil at best but my heart is gone. Or, during other times, estrangement gives me peace of mind because I feel safe and permanently protected from harm.

 

Don't reach out to her because she has made it clear to you that she is moving on. Respect her wishes and move on with your life, too. If she reaches out, wish her all the best and part ways peacefully.

 

I believe in radio silence because I've done the same. If I know any relationship, friendship or extended family member will not give me the same consistent, habitual respect, good manners, empathy, courtesy and graciousness, I proceed to live my own life without them in it. Hence, I give them radio silence. I believe all relationships need to be reciprocal and if I don't receive the same effort I put into sincere ties, then I return the favor and treat them the same exact way they treat me even it's radio silence.

 

Never grovel, beg, plead, etc. through your actions. Treat people the same exact way they treat you; not better, not worse but the same. It's a two-way street.

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Thank you, Cherylyn,

 

I appreciate your input.

 

Well, there has been a development. At a very strange hour of the night, she wrote me a text last night. Of course, it was a “closure“ text, which I have seen from her in the past when she broke up with me in early February.

 

Her text laid out many of her reasons that she was disappointed in me, but mostly centered on how she feels that I devalued her feelings about my ex-wife. I’m trying to understand her. She brought up all of these instances that prove to her how I am still hung up on my ex-wife And didn’t do anything to make her feel better about it.

 

I see all of these things a very different way. I felt like I was trying hard to put the past in the past and move forward, but also honor my experiences in the past, because I don’t hate my ex-wife. We are actually still on pretty good terms.

 

My lady friend is taking a complete opposite stance on everything I have ever said about my ex-wife, and turning it into reasons that I don’t think are true. From my perspective, she is not trusting that I tell her that I’m not pining over my ex-wife, and my ex-wife is no threat to her. I thought I did that proactively and thoughtfully when it was happening, but she is saying that it has been bothering her all along.

 

Here’s an example, and I don’t want to be long-winded, although I usually am :-). My girlfriend and I are both very musical. A couple weeks ago, she was able to pick out an obscure instrument of a song, and I was so impressed by that… And I told her that one of the things that I was impressed with and that was meaningful to me was that my ex-wife could never do that, but she can, and that was such a lovely thing. Instead of hearing the compliment that it was supposed to be, and a little bit of a diss of my ex-wife, she heard that as me bringing up my ex-wife again, which means I still must be thinking about her. That just wasn’t the case, although I’m trying to understand why she is hearing it that way.

 

Another example: I asked my girlfriend if she would like to join me on a bike ride, because I think that would be a lovely thing for her and I to do together. My ex-wife left her bike in the garage five years, since she had no room for it in her little apartment, and I have lots of space. The bike was pretty much abandoned. I didn’t really care if it was here, because I figured somebody might use it someday. I told my girlfriend I would get my ex-wife’s bike ready and she could use that. She is upset that it didn’t occur to me that it might bother her that I was offering her to use my ex-wife’s bike. I knew it might feel awkward to her, but I never thought it would be this deep of an issue.

 

These are the kind of issues that she is bringing up, and she says I dismiss. I kind of see how I have handled these things as an encouragement to leave the past behind. It’s not that I’m trying to dismiss her feelings, but to encourage her to think positively and move forward.

 

So… Back to no contact. The theory that I am hearing by relationship expert’s is to not respond immediately… But maybe by the end of the day.

 

What would you guys do? I’m considering simply asking her to meet on her next day off on a neutral ground to continue trying to negotiate around these issues. Her text to me just now leaves a few holes. It’s definitely a letter of closure, but there’s lots of room to interpret that this is not what she wants, and I’d like to explore that. It’s almost the exact same scenario as back in February, and we were able to negotiate around that and it brought us to a better place, despite how badly it has crashed this time around.

 

My research into trauma also suggests that her recent behavior is all like a flashback… This is bringing up something in her regarding trust, and I need to decide whether I can manage this kind of lack of trust. When things are good with her, they are really good and nice. We have some very important connections. With that in mind, I do want to explore whether this can be resurrected.

 

What the trauma experts also say is that what this girl needs when she is feeling a lack of trust is not explanations. It’s not me trying to encourage her to think otherwise. It’s simply to hold her and tell her that I’m not leaving and that I love her. No explanations of behavior. I think I can do that.

 

Thoughts?

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Why are you talking with your friends about your ex's social media posts? Why not tell them you don't need to know if it's not obvious to them not to tell you.

 

For me not being in contact was the best way to heal and move on.

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Why are you talking with your friends about your ex's social media posts? Why not tell them you don't need to know if it's not obvious to them not to tell you.

 

For me not being in contact was the best way to heal and move on.

 

A big part of me does not want to move on. I want to hear what she is saying and understand her.

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It doesnt appear that you are able to take a look at your part, still.

 

You are still referring to her as irrational and blaming the ending on her past trauma. No where in this did you own your part.

 

In previous posts you accounted in great detail on how you were dismissive of her views to the point of being argumentative. No doubt your belief that her opinions are that of an irrational person.

 

Ultimately you believe your views were facts.

This happened several times to point she told you felt disvalued.

 

You are now here, confused as to why shes angry and done. Suggesting her reactions to her interactions with you are either not valid, coming out of nowhere and influenced (again) by her past.

 

Dude, she's angry with you and will not tolerate the way you view her and treat her based on that. But you seem confused about angry inferences on her social media?

 

Your view your opinions as facts and hers as irrational. I dont know any relationship that can come back from this ongoing dynamic.

 

Now you want advise on how to manipulate the no contact rule to get her back.

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Look up fearful avoidant attachment style. People that display those patterns in relationships have an internal battle between needing space and then feeling abandoned once they push their partners away. No contact is probably your best strategy with her if this sounds like a description of how trauma has affected her (look up how they tend to behave and the things that are difficult for them to discuss and deal with to make sure that describes her). It's not manipulative, she just needs to get the space that she needs before she's ready to come back to you. The more safe she feels with you when this happens, the less severe the pushing will be.

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Look up fearful avoidant attachment style. People that display those patterns in relationships have an internal battle between needing space and then feeling abandoned once they push their partners away. No contact is probably your best strategy with her if this sounds like a description of how trauma has affected her (look up how they tend to behave and the things that are difficult for them to discuss and deal with to make sure that describes her). It's not manipulative, she just needs to get the space that she needs before she's ready to come back to you. The more safe she feels with you when this happens, the less severe the pushing will be.

 

Thank you, MOTM… I think you are spot on. I really appreciate your insight.

 

I am trying to understand trauma, not only from her perspective but from mine, since it appears, based on my research, is that When two people that have high anxiety, probably fearful avoidant attachment styles, get together, they are going to have difficulty hearing each other. I think that’s very much the case here.

 

I think a symptom of her trauma is for her to misinterpret things I say, or hear them in a way that is detrimental, and not what was intended.

 

My symptoms... I push her away, and look for negative things to use as judgments in order to push her away. I think both are equally destructive.

 

More developments: I pulled up my big boy pants and called her. I wasn’t sure if she would respond. I could tell she deleted my number, because she didn’t recognize the number on her screen when she first answered. That made me a bit anxious, right from the start.

 

However, she couldn’t have been more agreeable and open to conversation, and connection, and even responded to my invitation to get together in a few days to either talk about things, or not. She was agreeable with just about everything, and we both seemed to want to talk on and on. I tried to keep it brief, though, to give us more time and space to manage all of this.

 

So, I may or may not have more to say about this on Friday after I see her…

 

Continued positive thoughts and suggestions are encouraged… And even the not so positive ones, I suppose. I’m trying to hear what you are all saying.

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A big part of me does not want to move on. I want to hear what she is saying and understand her.

 

Maybe it's time to start understanding yourself? Your extreme insecurities, anxious attachment, blatant disrespect for other people's opinions, need to be right at all costs, extreme argumentativeness/defensiveness all cloaked in cushy terms like analytical, seeking understanding and solutions, etc. This woman, you are starting to border on obsessive...... Leave her alone.

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My symptoms... I push her away, and look for negative things to use as judgments in order to push her away.

 

Look up dismissive avoidant attachment for yourself. You are describing typical deactivation strategies. Look up Personal Development School on YouTube to learn a lot more about this from a therapist that is really compassionate about people that struggle affected by these traumas.

 

I think both are equally destructive.

 

Probably. Attachment trauma can cause us to sabotage relationships and harm people that we really care about.

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I try to understand my role, and I have also done some research on trauma...

 

Going to isolate this to (try) to make a point about what I see: six words about trying to understand your role, or at least to see this as a sign of two people who don't quite work, followed by a treatise on trauma that supports a thesis that that—trauma, hers, her—is the culprit.

 

It's very demeaning, all that, even if it's not intentional. The implication is that you understand her, her feelings, her reactions, the root of all of them, better than she does. That, combined with the no contact strategizing to bring her back—well, what it kind of reads like? It reads like you isolating what you think is the main issue here (her trauma) and then figuring out a way to "handle" it so you get what you want: her coming back to you, cooled off and ready to frolic.

 

Is this a "lump"? I don't mean it that way, truly. But this energy you're spending trying to find the secret to her damage—I just think there's another way. Like, for instance, focusing on your own trauma, those fears of being alone, the tendrils left over from a "failed" marriage, and so on, and how maybe, just maybe, those are some pretty critical ingredients to this whole messy stew—to the hurt she feels—and perhaps things to explore so romance is not so fraught?

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I'm guessing my comments in your former post were classified as "not so positive ones," but I don't think any of us were trying to say you are a bad person or this is all your fault. When you have difficulty seeing another person's perspective, look for advice from third parties, and then decide on whether those suggestions are positive depending on how well they align with your point of view, you risk reinforcing your own opinion and still not being able to see where she's coming from.

 

 

I have also done some research on trauma, since that was her main theme for a good chunk of the time I knew her.

 

Honestly it sounds more like that's the theme YOU picked for her. I don't know her but from your description she sounds like an adult who's capable of feeling things and making decisions on her own. Maybe with some emotional baggage, poor conflict resolution skills, etc., but most of us have some of those. Nothing I see warrants this kind of special diagnosis and treatment. It would be more beneficial if you spend this time and energy exploring your own inner self and your needs to always assert your "truth" over others.

 

Trauma victims very quickly backpedal when in complicated situations and start to lash out at their partners... Almost irrationally so, in my opinion... she is very angry and disillusioned with me and our relationship.

 

All of this is still you trying to feed yourself the same story, she is a trauma victim and therefore irrational, she is delusional, she doesn't know what's good for her, what she felt and thought were simply not true, she is WRONG and only if you can somehow make her see the light of truth...

 

In retrospect, other than about one Minor disagreement/argument a month, we were doing really welltogether, and I thought I always treated her with respect and kindness.

even though my wrong seems mild in the greater scheme of things, and things have been going so well outside of that

 

Keep in mind that her side of things could be very different. Whereas you felt things were going great maybe she was holding her disappointment in to not rock the boat. When you thought you treated her with respect and kindness she could have felt not respected or valued all along. Maybe she didn't say anything about that to keep the peace until finally she couldn't take it anymore.

 

An online relationship expert team

 

I hope you are not paying for this "expert team." The best outcome of following their advice and playing their game of "getting your ex back" is a temporary episode of reconciliation built on emotional manipulation. I'm saying this as someone who did get back with an ex more than once... oops

 

They also say that what partners need when they go into this sort of “flashback“ anxiety, Is not someone who is defensive and tries to explain everything, which is exactly what I did, but someone who will sit with them and tell them that they love them and that they aren’t going anywhere,

 

Maybe this will work on some people, but if I'm already frustrated by someone who simply can't listen or understand? And the said person looks into my eyes and says "It's alright, I love you, and I'm not going anywhere." LOL, I'd be so pissed. What do you think I am, a scared child throwing a fit to get some attention?

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You seem to really love a good fight and chronically seek out conflict, ways to push buttons etc. Were you diagnosed with Oppositional-Defiant disorder (google it) as a kid or bullied? Were your parents abusive or at each other's throats? You learned this from somewhere. You seem to have a knee jerk reaction to be antagonistic, contrary and generally seem to enjoy irritating, goading and hurting people.

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still posting detrimental meme directed at me. . . I am not understanding where this very strange behavior is coming from

 

my lady friend thinks I did her wrong, even though my wrong seems mild in the greater scheme of things,

 

It's just more of the same. Do both of you a favor and let this go.

 

You still fail to try to understand how she feels. Even after everything that's happened you are either minimizing her reaction or assigning it to something else. . other than the obvious.

 

There is something very impenetrable about your way of thinking and it's reflected here in your posts. While at the same time you seek advise on how to strategize to get her to come crawling back to you.

 

Without any change or acknowledgement on your part, you will just do the exact same dance as before. Why go through that again?

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. . and to be honest . . .the whole theory on 'get your ex back by going no contact' is basically an attempt to trigger a sense of abandonment in your target.

 

Being denied and abandoned is very painful for some people and to relieve that feeling they return to something that might otherwise be toxic and unhealthy, just in attempt to relieve the discomfort.

 

It comes no where close to meaningful change, growth and a new understanding. It's just a repeat of the exact same dysfunctional dynamic.

 

That's why the whole get your ex back is an attempt to be manipulative. If she were to return it wouldn't be for the right reason Certainly not one that is indicative of sustaining a mutually healthy relationship

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More developments: I pulled up my big boy pants and called her.

 

It's clear you are a smart guy, and so it's in respect to your intelligence that I'm going to go out on a limb and say I don't think you believe that your calling her was actually strutting the catwalk in "big boy pants." I get the appeal of the narrative, of course, as we all want gold stars for being "big boys," but seeking those gold stars as bandaids for hurt is not what big boys do. It is what children do, in school, and even in that world it can get old fast.

 

Guess what I'm saying is that if you rub the dust off the lens I think you'll see that you just used "big boy pants" as a synonym for "child's pajamas." Guess what I'm saying is that you are on a surefire road to more of the same drama and despair if you can't get to that dust yourself. Her threshold for choking on it has been reached.

 

That's one of those "lumps," I know. But this is me talking to you big boy to big boy, trusting you have it in you to keep the shield down. You are, right now, lonely, sad, frustrated, and obsessed with your pain at a level approaching a modern-day virologist's obsession with covid-19. You are annoyed at what you imagine, probably correctly, are some unsavory thoughts about you residing in her mind. Fine. Human. The thorns big boys and big girls deal with on the regular.

 

But reaching out to her so you can get that loneliness and sadness soothed? To see if you can get those "bad" thoughts in her head to become "good" ones, either through some discussion, "or not," which is to say by her coming around to see the world through your lens or just hanging out and being all sorts of sweet? And to do all that while wanting to be seen as "big"?

 

Well, suffice to say I can understand her frustrations.

 

Something to give some very serious thought to: If you want a romantic partner who will be a "girl" and a "lady," while also supplying you with regular, high doses of "that's a good boy" maternal juju—a big ask, of course—you'd maybe find a more copacetic vibe with someone who you believe, in your marrow, is about 100 times the person you are, not a traumatized fraction of yourself.

 

Lastly, a book suggestion I think you'd find illuminating: "Men Explain Things To Me," by Rebecca Solnit. Could say plenty about it, but Solnit says it all, much better than I ever could.

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. . and to be honest . . .the whole theory on 'get your ex back by going no contact' is basically an attempt to trigger a sense of abandonment in your target.

 

Being denied and abandoned is very painful for some people and to relieve that feeling they return to something that might otherwise be toxic and unhealthy, just in attempt to relieve the discomfort.

 

It comes no where close to meaningful change, growth and a new understanding. It's just a repeat of the exact same dysfunctional dynamic.

 

That's why the whole get your ex back is an attempt to be manipulative. If she were to return it wouldn't be for the right reason Certainly not one that is indicative of sustaining a mutually healthy relationship

 

I don't like the terms "dumper" and "dumpee", but to keep things easy to follow, I'll use them:

 

Why is it manipulative for a dumpee that doesn't want the relationship to end to leave the dumper alone after a breakup? If the dumper feels abandoned after losing somebody that they pushed out of their life, then that is on them to figure out. They requested that the dumpee leave, and the dumpee in this case is respecting that request.

 

Another way to look at is that the relationship needs to end, the person requesting the end needs space, and the best thing for the other person to do is to work on themselves, rebuild their happiness and self-esteem, and let the person that ended the relationship to decide for themselves if they would like to speak again in the future.

 

After a breakup, it's probably in the best interest of both parties to take time apart and to focus on themselves. If they both miss each other enough, then perhaps they reconcile. That's a pretty healthy way to handle the situation for both parties.

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I don't like the terms "dumper" and "dumpee", but to keep things easy to follow, I'll use them:

 

Why is it manipulative for a dumpee that doesn't want the relationship to end to leave the dumper alone after a breakup? If the dumper feels abandoned after losing somebody that they pushed out of their life, then that is on them to figure out. They requested that the dumpee leave, and the dumpee in this case is respecting that request.

 

Another way to look at is that the relationship needs to end, the person requesting the end needs space, and the best thing for the other person to do is to work on themselves, rebuild their happiness and self-esteem, and let the person that ended the relationship to decide for themselves if they would like to speak again in the future.

 

After a breakup, it's probably in the best interest of both parties to take time apart and to focus on themselves. If they both miss each other enough, then perhaps they reconcile. That's a pretty healthy way to handle the situation for both parties.

 

It is not manipulative to break off contact and leave each other alone after a breakup. It is manipulative to do it with calculated measures in order to trigger certain feelings or actions from the other, regardless who dumped who

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It is not manipulative to break off contact and leave each other alone after a breakup. It is manipulative to do it with calculated measures in order to trigger certain feelings or actions from the other, regardless who dumped who
Exactly.

If your intention is to respectfully move on that's one thing. But as shown in this example, it's done with an agenda to manipulate a reaction and a desired outcome.

 

After all, he used the word 'strategy' several times

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It is not manipulative to break off contact and leave each other alone after a breakup. It is manipulative to do it with calculated measures in order to trigger certain feelings or actions from the other, regardless who dumped who

 

Exactly.

 

Odds are that if you're going into this line of thinking in the wake of a relationship, assessing what precise mode of "contact" will trigger the desired emotions in another human, you are indulging in some mode of behavior that probably existed inside the relationship, and likely contributed to its unraveling.

 

In other words, you are essentially guaranteeing that, even if you "get" what you want, you are getting it from an angle that does no favors. A boat with holes in the deck looks a lot like a boat, save for the part where it sinks instead of floats.

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My lady friend is taking a complete opposite stance on everything I have ever said about my ex-wife, and turning it into reasons that I don’t think are true. From my perspective, she is not trusting that I tell her that I’m not pining over my ex-wife, and my ex-wife is no threat to her. I thought I did that proactively and thoughtfully when it was happening, but she is saying that it has been bothering her all along.

 

Here’s an example, and I don’t want to be long-winded, although I usually am :-). My girlfriend and I are both very musical. A couple weeks ago, she was able to pick out an obscure instrument of a song, and I was so impressed by that… And I told her that one of the things that I was impressed with and that was meaningful to me was that my ex-wife could never do that, but she can, and that was such a lovely thing. Instead of hearing the compliment that it was supposed to be, and a little bit of a diss of my ex-wife, she heard that as me bringing up my ex-wife again, which means I still must be thinking about her. That just wasn’t the case, although I’m trying to understand why she is hearing it that way.

 

Another example: I asked my girlfriend if she would like to join me on a bike ride, because I think that would be a lovely thing for her and I to do together. My ex-wife left her bike in the garage five years, since she had no room for it in her little apartment, and I have lots of space. The bike was pretty much abandoned. I didn’t really care if it was here, because I figured somebody might use it someday. I told my girlfriend I would get my ex-wife’s bike ready and she could use that. She is upset that it didn’t occur to me that it might bother her that I was offering her to use my ex-wife’s bike. I knew it might feel awkward to her, but I never thought it would be this deep of an issue.

 

These are the kind of issues that she is bringing up, and she says I dismiss. I kind of see how I have handled these things as an encouragement to leave the past behind. It’s not that I’m trying to dismiss her feelings, but to encourage her to think positively and move forward.

 

Do you like to bring up your ex every now and then in all kinds of conversations?

 

There are people who are cool with talking about exes or staying close friends. There are also people who would frown at any mention of an ex. No right or wrong here, just different preferences. The key is to find someone who's compatible with you on these matters so you don't constantly get on each other's nerves. If she hates mentioning exes and not being able to talk about your ex doesn't bother you at all, why not just drop it? A bike in your garage is a bike in your garage. She doesn't have to know if it used to belong to your ex or your grandma. Also avoid making comparisons even if you mean it as a compliment. Nobody likes being compared to an ex. Can't you compliment her in some other way? Can you imagine someone saying to their partner after a particularly satisfying sex session, "That was great babe. My ex could never do that for me."? :upset:

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I have to agree. There was absolutely no need whatsoever for you to bring up your ex, especially in the first scenario.

 

And therein lies the problem...you think the things that bother her shouldn't bother her. Well...it's not for you to decide! SHE gets to decide what bothers her and what doesn't. And if you disagree you can just let it go or you can find a woman who is fine with being compared to your ex, favorably or otherwise.

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Thank you, Cherylyn,

 

I appreciate your input.

 

Thoughts?

 

You're very welcome, Whirling D.

 

First of all, it's always your mistake to constantly mention your ex-wife very frequently to your lady friend or ex-girlfriend. I'd be irritated if I were her, too. :upset: The mention of your ex-wife naturally triggers her ire so don't do it. This is common sense.

 

As for the bicycle, I think your lady friend or ex-girlfriend was immature when you offered your ex-wife's bicycle for her to ride. However, since you know that every time you mention your ex-wife to her, naturally you should avoid scenarios which will include anything to do with your ex-wife including her bicycle. Another activity would've been better such as a long, leisurely walk, take out meal, picnic or something like that.

 

With some people, it's like walking on eggshells. It's dicey and you have to be careful with choosing your words wisely otherwise you'll cause conflicts and do you want that? :eek: Know your audience and be prepared. Watch what you say and write. Err on the side of caution.

 

Back to no contact. She broke up with you in February and sent you a closure text last night. You need to be firm yet gentle. Tell her it's over, wish her well, then tell or text her that it's time to go your separate ways. Then ignore, block and delete. Do more than radio silence. You need to cut it off with her permanently.

 

Take a break from women. Work on being trustworthy, humble and guard your words. Don't irritate others by speaking or writing sloppy especially regarding subjects which annoy and irritate others. Exercise discretion.

 

Those are my thoughts.

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