Making progress

[Rb1980]

Hello all,

 

I find posting on here can be quite therapeutic and the advice given is always so positive - even when worded in a way that makes me feel like I've been a right idiot!

 

I just wanted to give an update on where I am at as certain forum members have been so supportive. I also hope my post may give a little light to others going through a breakup.

 

In a few weeks time it will be 3 months since we split up. The first month /6weeks were horrible. I found my mind occupied with her everyday, I then had the issue where she called the police on me, blocked me on everything and then I saw her on a dating site. All of these things played enormously with my mental state. I called the Samaritans, I called mental health groups, I came on the forum.

Everyday I was analysing what caused our split, what I may have done wrong, why she acted the way she did, how I could reach out to her and much more.

Over the past week or so I have noticed that it has naturally just become less. I haven't done anything in particular, I think the mind just starts to process and heal.

Sure, I do think about her every now and then, I still concern myself about how she is coping and I still miss, what I classed as great times with a very special someone. Maybe one day she will reach out, maybe she never will. It is totally out of my hands and therefore I can only focus on me.

In the past I would spend ages pouring over our old messages trying to find a hidden meaning or see if I could have responded differently when they were sent. All I found from that is that afterwards I was left feeling worse.

Right now, I'm in a slightly better place than I was and I know it can only go forward. I still love her a great deal but if she needed this change to make herself happy then I have to respect that.

Thank you all for your support. Onwards and upwards.

X

[Batya33]

So glad to hear of your progress -thanks for sharing!

[Bignomis]

That is really good to know that you are betting better. I am also working on my progress. We still stayed LC in about 9 weeks since we split up. Then I wanted to try again but he did not want. I started feeling panic then sent him many emails everyday even after I moved to other country, I were still sent him emails. Now I feel i were totally stupid when I begged him to try again and talk about thing when he already told me many times that he does not want to talk about it now. I did not give him time to think and then he said I am so selfish. I want thing to happen in my way but it does not mean that he has to follow my way. I were totally blinded and panic then i treated him so bad with my email to asked him to deleted everything we have, photos, videos, messages....I were so bad.

So I sent him last email about 2 weeks ago to say I know we are no longer couple as I wish we were but I still hoping one day we can see each other again. After that I went into NC. I know he read all my emails. After 5 days I went into NC he read my email again( i tracked every email i sent to him) but still no answer. I don't understand that why does he still read my email if he does not want to answer. He said email is only way I cna contact him. He blocked my FB and Whatssap. Because i know he still read my emails then it keep me staying in false hope that he still love me and we have a chance. I don't want to mis-understand about -he still read my email. Then I keep wondering why he still read my email.

I did everything you did read old messages and tried to understand why and how and if i did this then thing would be better....only hurt myself.

Now I want to move on and keep NC for myself to heal but I still thinking that maybe NC will bring him back to me. I don't like it. I know it is not healthy for me but I can't help myself. Do you have the same thinking with me? If you have how do you handling it?

[Rb1980]

That is really good to know that you are betting better. I am also working on my progress. We still stayed LC in about 9 weeks since we split up. Then I wanted to try again but he did not want. I started feeling panic then sent him many emails everyday even after I moved to other country, I were still sent him emails. Now I feel i were totally stupid when I begged him to try again and talk about thing when he already told me many times that he does not want to talk about it now. I did not give him time to think and then he said I am so selfish. I want thing to happen in my way but it does not mean that he has to follow my way. I were totally blinded and panic then i treated him so bad with my email to asked him to deleted everything we have, photos, videos, messages....I were so bad.

So I sent him last email about 2 weeks ago to say I know we are no longer couple as I wish we were but I still hoping one day we can see each other again. After that I went into NC. I know he read all my emails. After 5 days I went into NC he read my email again( i tracked every email i sent to him) but still no answer. I don't understand that why does he still read my email if he does not want to answer. He said email is only way I cna contact him. He blocked my FB and Whatssap. Because i know he still read my emails then it keep me staying in false hope that he still love me and we have a chance. I don't want to mis-understand about -he still read my email. Then I keep wondering why he still read my email.

I did everything you did read old messages and tried to understand why and how and if i did this then thing would be better....only hurt myself.

Now I want to move on and keep NC for myself to heal but I still thinking that maybe NC will bring him back to me. I don't like it. I know it is not healthy for me but I can't help myself. Do you have the same thinking with me? If you have how do you handling it?

Hello,

Thanks for your message.

I don't think there is any easy answer. I definitely acted the same way as you and as a result upset her more. I texted too much and that probably created a version of myself that she really didn't like.

I do ultimately hope being NC allows her to reach out to me but I'm also understanding that there is nothing I can do to make her do that so I just allow each day to pass and find that gradually I think of it all less frequently.

 

There are definitely times when I think about her too much but there are also others where I don't at all. That to me is a sign of progression as in the past it was on my mind 24hrs a day. You'll notice it starts to change due to the way life just happens. Things you do will start to take up more of your time and new things you do will allow you to feel positive. For example, I'm doing an online course, I'm reading more books, I'm writing articles.

Many people on this forum have mentioned it's like breaking an addiction and that is certainly true. It's almost like you are going through withdrawal and as it leaves your system it makes you feel better but with a bit of that drug still in the system you feel like relapsing as you need a fix.

Time will allow it to get better, trust me.

[bluecastle]

Glad to hear you're doing better. Age old saying, but ultimately healing comes through time. Using that time productively rather than destructively—well, that's kind of learned skill, in ways, and sometimes we need an experience like this to learn it a bit.

 

Semi-related comparison: The athlete tweaks his ankle, is in pain. He should bow out of the match, but he's hungry for the win, for the game, so he stays in it. The ankle gets worse. He now has to miss the next match or two. But in sitting them out, something happens: his ankle gets better! Next time something like this happens? He sits out for half a match—still frustrated, still hurt—but he knows it's what's needed for healing.

 

When it comes to breakups, I don't think there is any formula to get over it fast, or with only grace. We stumble. We obsess here, perform forensic studies of text messages there. Learning to sit with discomfort is so, so uncomfortable. But it's a worthy skill, and one that comes in handy—one that is, I'd say, critical—to maintaining even the best, most glittering relationships. So maybe take comfort in that? You are, right now, taking steps to be a better partner when you're ready for that, and when you meet the right person to explore things with.