Best friend is obsessed with her bf - should I give up on this friendship?

[shinohara]

Please read all of this before answering! Thank you in advance.

 

My best friend and I (both female, now in our mid-twenties) maintain a long distance friendship and we’ve been super close for years now, spilling our hearts out to each other and always being there. Then she got a boyfriend (who happens to have little kids) a year ago, and became obsessed with him. I’m not talking about just putting our friendship on the back burner. I mean she is very openly jealous of his kids (says she wants to be his only favourite and apple of his eye and is open about her strange jealousy of the kids), and has not even let him call his kids during the past 2 months (he can’t visit anyone due to COVID) because she can’t stand the idea of him talking to his ex wife without her being there with him. She gets angry when he goes to even work parties because she has major insecurity/possessive issues. I could write a novel about the obsession but hopefully the picture is clear. She has told our mutual friend that she’s busy so she can’t game with her, but then was found in an online game playing with the bf. When I call her, she sometimes goes totally silent and I can hear her texting him while blanking out on our conversation. When we text, she answers once a day if even, and usually at a crazy hour like 2am, as if it’s some end of the day chore or last thought. She tells me she doesn’t answer me until she sees my message or that sometimes is too depressed to be in the mood to chat, and yet a while ago she changed her profile picture on the chatting app we use, but didn’t answer until the next day. Too depressed to talk but not enough to not unnecessarily change her picture… and obviously she continues to chat with her bf non-stop. One time she didn't answer for some days so I figured I’d call her sometime, so I did, but she was already in the middle of a call with him. By the way, it’s not like he’s some diamond, she has caught him cheating on her twice already, but has remained obsessive. Many times, even now, she’ll gloss over my texts and answer with something random, not even reading what I’m saying, just blanking on our friendship. She even didn't notice when I brought up how it sucks I had surgery the next day, and when I got back home from the hospital, she was texting about random career stuff. Too many examples I could keep writing. She has definitely apologized a lot for some things, but nothing changes so I'm just frustrated. Our mutual brought up these similar issues she has with her but couldn't get through.

 

I finally confronted her myself and it went really badly. She got very defensive and talked about how when we first met she needed someone so much because she was alone and at a very bad place in her life (which is true), but that now she doesn’t need me in the same way and that she really doesn’t mean it like she used me. I can somewhat understand her perspective, but she really didn't understand mine. In the end, slowly but eventually we went back to messaging like nothing happened. I was hoping she’d change a bit or care more. But nothing changed, instead she began to message even less. I don’t see a point in bringing up anything again, as I already got a taste of what happens with that.

 

I am starting to slowly resent her and I can’t even believe it. I’ve never had a friendship so deep and have never cherished a friend quite like this before, but this has just become too much and I feel like trash thrown to the curb. I’ve been there for her countless times, many times losing all my sleep or even missing my own dates with friends just to console her when she needed that. It’s not like I expected anything in return, but all of this feels like a slap in the face. She told me in her birthday message to me about how she's never had a friend like me, how nobody could replace me, how I'm so unique in her life and all that, but it doesn't mean her behaviour reflects any of those things. I’m tired of getting angry every other day at her treating me like a ghost. A part of me is like, don’t think too deeply and just be casual friends with her, but the other side is saying that I’m not being respected as her genuine friend, let alone best friend.

 

She is naturally super introverted and doesn't have friends beyond me and our mutual, so I thought that perhaps the bf added too much busyness to her life to keep up with. But now due to COVID, her constantly being at home and doing nothing but playing games, I just feel that things just can't possibly be "too much" for her. I think she's just changed now that she has someone else. I'm considering leaving this friendship because not only has it become unfulfilling for me, but I feel like she no longer values me. I love her to pieces and this really does kill me inside.

 

Any advice?

[melancholy123]

My advice is ditch her. I couldn't stand to have a "friend" like her. You've grown apart from her and it's time to cut your losses.

 

As for her, her jealousy and neediness and clingyness will eventually destroy her relationship with the guy. Not allowing him to talk to his own kids is so wrong and harmful to him and the kids. He should not be letting this happen. She needs some help but you cant make that happen.

[smackie9]

You out grow your friends and your friends out grow you....it's part of life. You move on....it's a simple as that.

[shinohara]

My advice is ditch her. I couldn't stand to have a "friend" like her. You've grown apart from her and it's time to cut your losses.

 

As for her, her jealousy and neediness and clingyness will eventually destroy her relationship with the guy. Not allowing him to talk to his own kids is so wrong and harmful to him and the kids. He should not be letting this happen. She needs some help but you cant make that happen.

 

Thank you for this, even though it's hard to take in. And I agree, for both of their sakes I do hope her relationship/obsession with that guy does come to an end, though they’ve already spent over a year like this so I don’t have hopeful expectations.

 

I’ve been realizing that I can’t change her (or anyone) if she doesn’t want to change herself. Hopefully one day she truly wakes up and sees what she’s done...

 

You out grow your friends and your friends out grow you....it's part of life. You move on....it's a simple as that.

 

Processing and moving on from a relation that has been a massive and significant part of one's life is often as intricate as (and feels like) a break up, hence forums like these existing for support, advice and all that. This was not an ordinary friend of mine, and as I said, I’ve never had such a meaningful friendship like this before.

[melancholy123]

Dont hold your breath waiting on her to realize what a fool she has been.

[Cherylyn]

My advice is to cut her loose. I agree with others. People outgrow friendships. Some are keepers and willing to cultivate, nurture and maintain contact with you whereas other friends fade away. It's the natural course of friendships. Not every friendship was meant to remain permanent.

 

I have friends from long ago who are my very close friends today and I have friends from my past who drifted apart from me. I've done the same.

 

People's lives change, we meet new people, get married, raise families, move, change jobs and the whole lot. Some friends remain friends for life and some friends disappear into oblivion. It's the way it is.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you are growing apart and having less and less in common. How is your local life? Do you have a bf? Do you have local friends? Are you happy with your job, hobbies, interests and living situation? You seem a bit jealous and overly involved.

 

Try not to be this obsessed with her relationship/bf/drama. Focus more on your own life. You are not a therapist so stop "confronting her". She is wise to back off and distance herself from you. You are way too involved. You need to do the same and back away from this.

Then she got a boyfriend . she continues to chat with her bf non-stop.

 

I finally confronted her myself and it went really badly. But nothing changed, instead she began to message even less.

[smackie9]

My old time friend would do this too. She get a BF or whatever, or we would be at different stages in our lives, and so we would hang out off and on over years. I have moved on many times but we seem to circle back to each other. So back out of her life, and find someone new or a group that is more suitable. Might be a nice change for you.

[Hollyj]

She is a user and is selfish. Never allow someone to treat you like a continuous therapist and sounding board.

 

Delete and block her, and take this as a lesson learned.

 

This girl sounds awful! There is a reason that she only has two friends.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like she is in a better place, so let that be. Keep in mind, as adults, never parent or be a therapist to friends, peers or equals. It can seem condescending when you try to lecture someone. So only listen to what you can tolerate, change the subject and let people make and be responsible for their own choices. Don't try to save the world or strive to be "needed"

when we first met she needed someone so much because she was alone and at a very bad place in her life (which is true), but that now she doesn’t need me in the same way and that she really doesn’t mean it like she used me.

[abitbroken]

He's a wimp if he lets her lord over him. Parents are still trading off their kids as mandated by the court in most states - as long as they are being passed from quarnatined parent to quarantine parent except if one of them is a front line healthcare worker. I would stop calling and texting her. She doesnt have time for the friendship

[shinohara]

Thank you all so much for your advice and sharing your experiences! It means a lot to me and gave me more insight. My friend and I really have grown apart and reading these responses has been so helpful. And the user calling me jealous, overly obsessed and too involved, please know that is not the case and you’ve misunderstood me here! That was my best friend and naturally any person will worry for their loved ones. While she is definitely not in a better place, her new therapist is her bf now. He can most definitely be my guest and have that role.

 

I’ve realized this friendship can’t work anymore and will be leaving. Thanks again everyone. I appreciate it.

 

There is a reason that she only has two friends.

 

You're right... I always felt bad for her and thought it must be so awful to have every friendship you've ever made turn out bad and being so alone. However, with time I've learned that unfortunately it's her herself that cannot manage friendships in a healthy way. It's her that was always the common denominator, and it's her who has ruined yet another friendship once again. Thanks again.