NEED ADVICE people..our wedding supposed to be on 29.may(we're in LDR)

[Billie28]

Yes i know all that.. There is really low number of things i can do from this position, because physicall contact and talk is really important in these situation..but i must wait july for that to happen..

So i am thinking about what i could do right now and these next 2 months..

Do you have any certain advice? I am thinking of supporting her in everything..but i need to think of my mental health too.

 

Rather than talk to her you concocted a lie. Which is snowballing into more lies.

 

Coronavirus didn’t cause your poor communication , it simply highlighted it.

 

Talk with her, discuss your concerns , ask her how she feels and most importantly listen and respect her thoughts and feelings.

 

Many weddings have been postponed due to corona and not many of those have rescheduled due to the uncertainty of corona restrictions. What’s your hurry??!

Being married doesn’t automatically equate to happily ever after. And since you are being deceptive and manipulative in order to feel secure within your relationship, it sounds to me like you should not get married at all. It’s doomed to fail?

 

Unless you can resolve your communication issues and insecurity.

 

Instead of asking what you should do , what do you think you should do to fix this??

[Chris111]

Rather than talk to her you concocted a lie. Which is snowballing into more lies.

 

Coronavirus didn’t cause your poor communication , it simply highlighted it.

 

Talk with her, discuss your concerns , ask her how she feels and most importantly listen and respect her thoughts and feelings.

 

Many weddings have been postponed due to corona and not many of those have rescheduled due to the uncertainty of corona restrictions. What’s your hurry??!

Being married doesn’t automatically equate to happily ever after. And since you are being deceptive and manipulative in order to feel secure within your relationship, it sounds to me like you should not get married at all. It’s doomed to fail?

 

Unless you can resolve your communication issues and insecurity.

 

Instead of asking what you should do , what do you think you should do to fix this??

 

 

You have right, this everything happened because of my insecurity within the relationship, and it is caused from may last year when first time her insecurity about feelings occured . Even though our last 12 months had really really nice moments, i was concerned and anxious some times when i feel lack of her attention (but many times it was just in my head).

First of all i definitely need to resolve my communication issues starting from now. It's just all about my fear to lose her, insecurity of how she would react on specific topic (wedding). That made me create that lie.

 

 

 

Instead of asking what you should do , what do you think you should do to fix this??

 

I am asking because at this point i could act maybe in wrong way. I mean i probably won't, but your comments were really helpfull for me to see situation from another perspective.

Now, i know im gonna be listening, i won't be pulling pressure on her (instead of that i will be super careful).

But would it be enough for us to stay "in the mood" next 2 months? What do you think? Should i have any certain strategy on this? I know how i will act in july, but it is still too far away.

[Billie28]

Your issues are real and current.

You have avoided your issues so far.

Stop doing that! Talk to her now.

What’s the point in pretending (continuing to lie to both yourself and her ) until July?

 

You have been doing that already and it has got you nowhere.

[Chris111]

Your issues are real and current.

You have avoided your issues so far.

Stop doing that! Talk to her now.

What’s the point in pretending (continuing to lie to both yourself and her ) until July?

 

You have been doing that already and it has got you nowhere.

 

 

I will tell her that i didnt quit my job in august, but how can i improve our relationship now untill july? It is only what matters for me in this moment.. because what happens in july,happens in july..we will be in 4 eyes, and everything will be easier to talk, to understand..everything.

The problem is now. I feel lot of stress, anxious and i dont wanna feel like this next 2 months :/

I would like to make her more soft, talkable etc..

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like she wants to break up. Are you panicking because that means your easy entry to the country she worked so hard to be in is in jeopardy? If she calls off the wedding, where will you live and what will you do? The lies and manipulating are't working, so what are you going to do?

 

she said we are not gonna marry in july, i haven't seen my family for 8 months and she doesnt want do to that.

 

So i was asking a questions why, and in the end she said that she is not sure anymore about her feelings.

[Chris111]

It sounds like she wants to break up. Are you panicking because that means your easy entry to the country she worked so hard to be in is in jeopardy? If she calls off the wedding, where will you live and what will you do? The lies and manipulating are't working, so what are you going to do?

 

No dude. I would rather be with her anywhere, than to be without her. That is for real.. Just want us to be together.

[SophiaG]

Yes i know all that.. There is really low number of things i can do from this position, because physicall contact and talk is really important in these situation..but i must wait july for that to happen..

So i am thinking about what i could do right now and these next 2 months..

Do you have any certain advice? I am thinking of supporting her in everything..but i need to think of my mental health too.

 

Personally, if someone has so clearly lost interest in "us" I would let them go. Sad, I know, but don't you think you deserve a partner who's equally enthusiastic about seeing you and marrying you?

 

"Feelings" can be volatile and short-lived. The rush of dopamine, oxytocin, etc. with physical contact doesn't last long and isn't sufficient to sustain a relationship. Deep down there is the belief (or lack of) that you are a good match, and with that belief people will work through tough times even if at times they may not feel the "feelings." When she said she's not sure about her feelings, the real reason could be that she no longer believes you two are a good match. If she's still attracted to you, which she might well be, spending some time in person could temporarily boost the "feelings" but, if she's a more rational person, will not change her hesitation in the long run. She has overcome a lot and learned a lot in these two years. She's a new person now. How about you? Have you been striving for a similar level of personal growth and career development? Do you feel somehow left behind? Does she still see you as an equal partner, or is she maybe a little disappointed by your lack of growth?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately she wants to break up, not marry. Perhaps she met someone local who speaks the language she learned and can offer her a visa. Does she work with local doctors? She is not sure about you and does not want to marry you. doesn't it seem like she has much better opportunities where she is than sponsoring you?

I would rather be with her anywhere, than to be without her. That is for real.. Just want us to be together.

[Wiseman2]

She has been having second thoughts about you for quite a while and she is pulling away. What mental health issues?

We really love each other(i think so, and i felt it so many times)

..there were some difficult times when i didn't realise that we haven't spoke on video calls for a week or 10 days and it made us distant and cold.

in may this year she felt like pulling away (she said that her feelings are not like they were before)

Our connection was not like it was before..so i came back to my country dissapointed.

we havent spoke whats happening but it really seems

i'm really worried what is going to happen.

[Chris111]

Personally, if someone has so clearly lost interest in "us" I would let them go. Sad, I know, but don't you think you deserve a partner who's equally enthusiastic about seeing you and marrying you?

 

"Feelings" can be volatile and short-lived. The rush of dopamine, oxytocin, etc. with physical contact doesn't last long and isn't sufficient to sustain a relationship. Deep down there is the belief (or lack of) that you are a good match, and with that belief people will work through tough times even if at times they may not feel the "feelings." When she said she's not sure about her feelings, the real reason could be that she no longer believes you two are a good match. If she's still attracted to you, which she might well be, spending some time in person could temporarily boost the "feelings" but, if she's a more rational person, will not change her hesitation in the long run. She has overcome a lot and learned a lot in these two years. She's a new person now. How about you? Have you been striving for a similar level of personal growth and career development? Do you feel somehow left behind? Does she still see you as an equal partner, or is she maybe a little disappointed by your lack of growth?

 

 

A lot of things to think about indeed. I can not know what exactly is going through her head, and if she had pulled away last year till the end i would have been "okay" with it.

You know, i went to her without her knowing when she was pulling away, and after that everything was perfect. Engage, wedding planning...and yet 2 months ago wedding set on 29 may...and now this happened. In my head i am blaming her why she did not turn everything down last year, it would have been easier for both of us..

Deep down i believe that this long distance between us played main role and i would like her to believe in that, but i am afraid of trying to convince her.

She still is not sure what is real and what is not real, when we are together we have great time..but this distance....

Yes, i have been working on my personal growth, took 1 year academy in IT sector finishing in july as we planned, then tryna find job till the end of year..everything planned.

I dont know if she feels that im somehow left behind, she knows im ambitious enough.. Yet, i had been praising her on her job, her abilities, her ambitious...maybe i shouldnt done that?

We are a little different, like taste in music, movies but still we listen songs together, watch movies together..

What should be my next move what do you think Sophia? I really wanna fight for this, but i dont want to make things worse.. We made a deal, it will be the same as it was, and when july comes we will talk about everything.

[Chris111]

Unfortunately she wants to break up, not marry. Perhaps she met someone local who speaks the language she learned and can offer her a visa. Does she work with local doctors? She is not sure about you and does not want to marry you. doesn't it seem like she has much better opportunities where she is than sponsoring you?

 

 

I dont think so really, i think i would know if she has fallen for someone else..but we are in contact for the most of the time

[SophiaG]

What should be my next move what do you think Sophia? I really wanna fight for this, but i dont want to make things worse.. We made a deal, it will be the same as it was, and when july comes we will talk about everything.

 

Like you said it is impossible to know what exactly she is thinking. Distance kills romance most of the time. I'm guessing it can be either of two things, or both:

 

1. The two of you simply grew apart with your different life experiences, and now she no longer sees a future with you (as I explained in the previous post);

2. She was not happy with how the relationship went down in the past two years (you mentioned lack of contact, distant and cold, etc.) and lost connection with you.

 

If it's merely the latter, maybe things can improve when the distance is removed. Otherwise there may not be much left to fight for. She may or may not have met someone. You never know.

If you want to try to save this, I think the only option now is to be respectful and give her the time and space to come to her own conclusion. Let her know you are there for her and ready to put in the effort to be with her, but don't push her for any answers or promises or blame her for "wanting to quit." When July comes, listen to what she wants before trying to force a solution or plan on her. It will be hard but try to approach it with an open mind and prepare yourself for either outcome.

 

Meanwhile, stop lying or playing any games. Don't withhold information or affection in hopes of getting a better assessment of her commitment or getting a certain response.

 

Yet, i had been praising her on her job, her abilities, her ambitious...maybe i shouldnt done that?

 

Nothing wrong to compliment and support your partner. The right person will not think less of you just because you admire them.

 

I am thinking of supporting her in everything..but i need to think of my mental health too.

 

What do you mean by this? How does supporting her conflict with your mental health?

[Wiseman2]

When did you last speak to her? Plans are not facts. The fact is she does not want to marry in July and she told you her feelings changed. You seem very focused on what is easiest for you not what is best for her. Are you fluent in the language of the country she now lives and works in?

 

Your English is ok but your past tense and present tense seem quite confusing. You seem to jump back and forth between past, present and future. It this a language syntax thing or your mind feeling confused?

In my head i am blaming her why she did not turn everything down last year, it would have been easier for both of us..

[Chris111]

. The two of you simply grew apart with your different life experiences, and now she no longer sees a future with you (as I explained in the previous post);

2. She was not happy with how the relationship went down in the past two years (you mentioned lack of contact, distant and cold, etc.) and lost connection with you.

 

If it's merely the latter, maybe things can improve when the distance is removed. Otherwise there may not be much left to fight for. She may or may not have met someone. You never know.

If you want to try to save this, I think the only option now is to be respectful and give her the time and space to come to her own conclusion. Let her know you are there for her and ready to put in the effort to be with her, but don't push her for any answers or promises or blame her for "wanting to quit." When July comes, listen to what she wants before trying to force a solution or plan on her. It will be hard but try to approach it with an open mind and prepare yourself for either outcome.

 

Thanks Sophia, my mind is telling me the same things, and i am going to do exactly what you were saying. My heart really hurts at this time, if i only could see her now but.. :\

Your advices are really really helpful for me!

 

 

 

 

What do you mean by this? How does supporting her conflict with your mental health?

 

I meant when i support her in her decisions, her attitude, her feelings (i cant think of that maybe distance is affecting her decisions, her attitude, her feelings)...and when i support her in those things, it means i am playing against myself, hurting myself...

And that is certainly bad for my mental health at this point.

I didnt talk to anyone about this yet, i think i am gonna talk with my father because i cant hold within anymore. Bottling it up is probably even worse, anxious and stress are constantly kicking.

Meanwhile, i really found here a little sense of relief thanks to you. :)

[Chris111]

When did you last speak to her? Plans are not facts. The fact is she does not want to marry in July and she told you her feelings changed. You seem very focused on what is easiest for you not what is best for her. Are you fluent in the language of the country she now lives and works in?

 

Your English is ok but your past tense and present tense seem quite confusing. You seem to jump back and forth between past, present and future. It this a language syntax thing or your mind feeling confused?

 

 

Sorry, english is not my native language, i live in europe, so it could be some mistakes written. Right now, it is 22:54 here and she came back from work..i came from work little earlier..currently she is taking shower and then she will call me so we gonna talk like every night, but it is not perfect situation in the air

[Wiseman2]

So when did you last speak with her? Why are you still unclear whether you broke up or not and if she wants to marry or not?

we gonna talk like every night, but it is not perfect situation in the air

[Chris111]

So when did you last speak with her? Why are you still unclear whether you broke up or not and if she wants to marry or not?

 

 

We are talking at this moment.

We cannot make clear anything now because we are so far away from each other (and we are not together since yesterday, we are together from 24.february.2014), we deal things in physical way.

That is the reason i am so concerned, living next 2 months in these circumstances.. She didnt said that we are gonna break up, or forget everything... Simply she is not sure what is real

[Wiseman2]

When did you last see her in person? What do you mean talking? Texting, videochat or phone call? Could you run your posts through google translate?

We are talking at this moment. we are not together since yesterday.she is not sure what is real

[Chris111]

When did you last see her in person? What do you mean talking? Texting, videochat or phone call? Could you run your posts through google translate?

 

We do texting, video call, phone, and we play rummy online.. We just had phone call, played a little rummy and video call to say good night..

We were together from 11.february to 20 february last time in person, when i went to visit her.

Well i could run but right now i am going to sleep, 00:03 in europe and i got up in 04:50 early morning..

I dont know, we talked and played rummy for almost an hour.. Did not talked about anything serious, just regular stuff..

Tomorrow i will.say that i didnt quit my job

[smackie9]

From what I have read back in November, our members told you to abandon ship to save yourself....and here it is May, 6 months later and you are still asking for advice. What do you really want from us, if our advice still falls on deaf ears?

[SophiaG]

We do texting, video call, phone, and we play rummy online.. We just had phone call, played a little rummy and video call to say good night..

We were together from 11.february to 20 february last time in person, when i went to visit her.

Well i could run but right now i am going to sleep, 00:03 in europe and i got up in 04:50 early morning..

I dont know, we talked and played rummy for almost an hour.. Did not talked about anything serious, just regular stuff..

Tomorrow i will.say that i didnt quit my job

 

Good for you to come clean to her. Be very sincere and willing to admit that you lied due to fear of losing her, and you would not do that again. Otherwise no need to talk about the heavy stuff until she's ready. Enjoy your fun time together. This quarantine is making local relationships feel like LDRs and I've been doing a lot of that too (video calling, virtual dates, online games, etc). Not easy, but still nice and plenty of fun!

[SophiaG]

I meant when i support her in her decisions, her attitude, her feelings (i cant think of that maybe distance is affecting her decisions, her attitude, her feelings)...and when i support her in those things, it means i am playing against myself, hurting myself...

And that is certainly bad for my mental health at this point.

I didnt talk to anyone about this yet, i think i am gonna talk with my father because i cant hold within anymore. Bottling it up is probably even worse, anxious and stress are constantly kicking.

Meanwhile, i really found here a little sense of relief thanks to you. :)

 

Oh I meant supporting her when she was working on nursing school, learning the language, adapting to the new country, etc. Those were hard times and if she didn't feel your support (or you didn't support her in the way she needs) that could have damaged your relationship.

 

And you seem to be talking about "supporting" her current decision to not get married. That's different - there really isn't an option for you to "not support" her decision here, as you can't marry someone against their will. You can only accept and try to understand her point of view. After 2 years apart and with so much disconnect it does seem reckless to rush into marriage now.

[Chris111]

From what I have read back in November, our members told you to abandon ship to save yourself....and here it is May, 6 months later and you are still asking for advice. What do you really want from us, if our advice still falls on deaf ears?

 

What could i do in december? Abandon ship when everything was planned ahead? And after december things were beautiful.. This last long distance occurs and things got heavy..

[Chris111]

Oh I meant supporting her when she was working on nursing school, learning the language, adapting to the new country, etc. Those were hard times and if she didn't feel your support (or you didn't support her in the way she needs) that could have damaged your relationship.

 

And you seem to be talking about "supporting" her current decision to not get married. That's different - there really isn't an option for you to "not support" her decision here, as you can't marry someone against their will. You can only accept and try to understand her point of view. After 2 years apart and with so much disconnect it does seem reckless to rush into marriage now.

 

Yes, that is clear to me. I will definitely be supportive here, avoiding heavy stuff to talk about. I don't want to talk about those heavy stuff either, since she won't make any decision now and i want to stay like that too.

For the record (just to make clear that i am not miserable at trying to convince her to marry me), if she says that she definitely wants to break up, i would not make any further moves, i would take my bags and abandon ship. But here is situation where she does not know what is real, and what is not real. This distance doing it's job.

That is the reason i badly want to do whatever is in my power (can't do much from this position i know).

With that in my mind Sophia, i can't give up right now..

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you just want online company. It also seems like she wants to breakup but is using the "confused" excuse, and now you are in the pen-pal, friendzone. She still does not want to marry, does not want you to visit and your lies haven't changed that. She wisely cancelled all plans, not only because of the pandemic but because she does not want to continue a relationship with you. You last saw her in Feb 2020? So you "proposed" online? No ring?

We just had phone call, played a little rummy and video call to say good night..

Did not talked about anything serious, just regular stuff.. Tomorrow i will.say that i didnt quit my job