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NEED ADVICE people..our wedding supposed to be on 29.may(we're in LDR)


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So guys I wrote a post in december last year, please read it i'm gonna post it here and then i will continue after that:

"I would really appreciate any kind of advice, especially in positive sense cause i've been really in emotional mess these days.. :/

 

So, I'm in 6 years relationship, last 2 years in long distance relationship due to her work in another country. That was our plan to move together in that country when she gets stable there. We really love each other(i think so, and i felt it so many times)..there were some difficult times when I didn't realise that we hadn't spoken on video calls for a week or 10 days and it made us distant and cold. So in may this year she felt like pulling away (she said that her feelings are not like they were before)..but i was sure that that was not true, and that is just some difficult period we were going through.

 

 

I was very angry on myself and tried to make things right. So I didn't tell her and i went to visit her without her knowing. She was surprised but she said that she expected it. We spent 3 days together, slept together and things weren't as good as i expected them to be. Our connection was not like it was before..so i came back to my country disappointed.

 

 

BUT, I was wrong..when I came back, things became really good. We were on our track again, things were better than ever. So, a month later I went to her again and propose her in a really nice way. She was sooooo happy, i was sooo happy. We were engaged :) . We planned things, wedding, everything.. Wedding supposed to be on 9.11.2019 but due to some formal issues (the plan was that I would go to live in country where she lives now because its better than our country) and because of some paper and visa issues it would be better to do it next year, probably may 2020.

 

 

So, today is 12.12.2019 and she was here with me in October and November for 10 days each month, and now I'm going on 27.12.2019 to her on new years eve.. But, these last 5-6 days she is feeling really.cold for.me, we haven't spoken about what is happening, but it really seems for me a similar situation like may. I hope it is not the case, but I'm really worried what is going to happen. I can't think about anything else. We are so close to achieve all of our goals, and yet this is happening now.

 

So people, please if you have some advice for me, how should i act, what should i ask, and of course what is your opinion on this.. LOOKING FORWARD TO SEE YOUR COMMENTS 🙏"

 

AND guys, i went to her on 27.december and we were together for 10 days. We slept together, had sex, everything was okay. But i did not mention how i felt those days when she was cold. So 2 days before i left i told her that i am sad for leaving and want to come back as soon as possible (i had job holiday in february) so i told her i want to come in february. I came back to my country on 7.january and the next 30 days were perfect, she was so into us, we planned our wedding to be on 29.may.

February came, i went to her and we spent 8-9 days reaaallly happily, only best moments.

On 13.march she supposed to come to our country so that she could take wedding dress and all those details about marriage because she would stay for 7 days, and then she would come again on 23 may.

Our plan was: i quit my job in august (she has holiday all july), and we come back together as married.

 

You guys all know, CORONA HAPPENED. 2 days before (11.march) , country borders closes and she couldn't come. And it she even cannot come on 23may.. Chances in july are 50/50. That will be 8 months away from home for her.

 

 

So last 2 months wasn't perfect for our love. We speak a lot but it is not how it could be if she could came. I was really depressed these last.days.

I thought we are going to get married in july then coz our 29.may was cancelled

I told her my boss called me and i quit job by the end of july as we planned. (But it was a lie, just wanted to make sure everything is fine with us).

She was not glad to hear that. She acted nervously. Like this isn't time for that. I said why, we still could marry in july but she said we are not gonna marry in july, i haven't seen my family for 8 months and she doesnt want do to that. I was really shocked.

So i was asking a questions why, and in the end she said that she is not sure anymore about her feelings.

After all we went through..

I should mention that her family loves me really much, and my family loves her too. They cant wait for our marriage.

Im SURE THAT THIS IS BECAUSE of this distance, we havent seen eact other now for 2.5 months.

She asked me could i talk to my boss and prolong my job and so we could talk about everything in july.

I said i will.talk to my boss on monday and see what he can do.

 

NEED ADVICE what should i do next, how could i act, what should i say about what my boss said.

Our relationship is in really bad position now, and i need another 2 monthts till we see each other and talk in 4 eyes. I dont know how im gonna survive coz im really stressfull, anxious and depressed (not gona do anything stupid dont worry about that).

 

Please post some advice i need it all.

Looking forward people..

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Deceiving her about this indicates you needed to manipulate the situation to "get a reaction". You instincts are telling you there is hesitation. Unfortunately she seems to be rethinking the wedding. Give her space and then reflect on why she may be fading or losing interest.

I told her my boss called me and i quit job by the end of july as we planned. (But it was a lie, just wanted to make sure everything is fine with us).

 

So i was asking a questions why, and in the end she said that she is not sure anymore about her feelings.

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Deceiving her about this indicates you needed to manipulate the situation to "get a reaction". You instincts are telling you there is hesitation. Unfortunately she seems to be rethinking the wedding. Give her space and then reflect on why she may be fading or losing interest.

 

Yes, are you trying to think of a new lie to cover your tracks?

 

Did you already quit your job, or you haven't quit yet? I am unclear on this.

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Yes, are you trying to think of a new lie to cover your tracks?

 

 

 

Did you already quit your job, or you haven't quit yet? I am unclear on this.

 

 

I didn't quit job. I said to her i will ask my boss to prolong quiting job, because she asked me to ask my boss.

What do you think what should i say next?

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I didn't quit job. I said to her i will ask my boss to prolong quiting job, because she asked me to ask my boss.

What do you think what should i say next?

 

But you wrote this:

"I told her my boss called me and i quit job by the end of july as we planned. (But it was a lie, just wanted to make sure everything is fine with us)."

 

I think if you plan to marry someone you shouldn't even be considering lying to her yet again. Why try to build a marriage foundation on lies?

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But you wrote this:

"I told her my boss called me and i quit job by the end of july as we planned. (But it was a lie, just wanted to make sure everything is fine with us)."

 

I think if you plan to marry someone you shouldn't even be considering lying to her yet again. Why try to build a marriage foundation on lies?

 

 

I really do not lie ever, but this time i was left with no options..i was afraid of her pullying away and that is the reason i lied.. I mean, we were so close to achieve goals, and this f***** Corona happened and i do not know how to deal.with it now

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I really do not lie ever, but this time i was left with no options..i was afraid of her pullying away and that is the reason i lied.. I mean, we were so close to achieve goals, and this f***** Corona happened and i do not know how to deal.with it now

 

You do too have options! How about honesty?

 

You are not sure at all about this relationship, otherwise you wouldn't even consider lying to the person you're supposed to love enough to want to marry.

 

Please do not invent another lie to cover up the one you already told. Come clean to her and explain to her why you thought lying was a good idea.

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Unfortunately it sounds like she is breaking up and understandably you are hurt by this. Rather than weaving a tangled web of lies, simply communicate directly. Ask her "are we breaking up"? Pretending you quit your job will not force her to do anything, if her feelings have changed.

 

She already mentioned "she said we are not gonna marry in july, and in the end she said that she is not sure anymore about her feelings"..

 

If you need a story to cover up a story, this indicated serious communication problems, that you may as well just start addressing directly rather than playing games.

I really do not lie ever, but this time i was left with no options..i was afraid of her pullying away and that is the reason i lied.
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You do too have options! How about honesty?

 

You are not sure at all about this relationship, otherwise you wouldn't even consider lying to the person you're supposed to love enough to want to marry.

 

Please do not invent another lie to cover up the one you already told. Come clean to her and explain to her why you thought lying was a good idea.

 

 

I was thinking to say that my boss prolonged my job quiting so she will not feel pressure about it. I really can't say now that i lied to her, it would make things even worse.. Do you think so?

Because when i say that i won't quit job in august, she will feel less pressure?

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I was thinking to say that my boss prolonged my job quiting so she will not feel pressure about it. I really can't say now that i lied to her, it would make things even worse.. Do you think so?

Because when i say that i won't quit job in august, she will feel less pressure?

 

More lies will not make it better. I can't understand why you want to continue to lie to someone you claim to love.

 

She will find out anyway and then what?

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Unfortunately it sounds like she is breaking up and understandably you are hurt by this. Rather than weaving a tangled web of lies, simply communicate directly. Ask her "are we breaking up"? Pretending you quit your job will not force her to do anything, if her feelings have changed.

 

She already mentioned "she said we are not gonna marry in july, and in the end she said that she is not sure anymore about her feelings"..

 

If you need a story to cover up a story, this indicated serious communication problems, that you may as well just start addressing directly rather than playing games.

 

I am aware that thiis is all about communication problems, but we planned everything..few days ago i was at hers family and i didn't notice that that bothers her. She was glad i came.

Now she said we will talk in july about everything, but that is 2 months far away.. What could i do in these 2 months, how to act :/

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More lies will not make it better. I can't understand why you want to continue to lie to someone you claim to love.

 

She will find out anyway and then what?

 

She doesnt have to find out.. when i say to her that my boss prolonged my job quiting, we will not talk about it anymore.

We will talk about everything in july, and have "normal" communication till then, but that "normal" is not normal for me... How should i communicate when everything im gonna have in these 2 next months is cold conversations probably..

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She doesnt have to find out.. when i say to her that my boss prolonged my job quiting, we will not talk about it anymore.

We will talk about everything in july, and have "normal" communication till then, but that "normal" is not normal for me... How should i communicate when everything im gonna have in these 2 next months is cold conversations probably..

 

So you're determined to continue lying. Oh well...

 

If she continues to be "cold", do you think she will want to follow through with marrying you?

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So you're determined to continue lying. Oh well...

 

If she continues to be "cold", do you think she will want to follow through with marrying you?

 

I think the main problem is our long distance, nothing of this wouldn't happened if we were together physically.. And deep in my heart i know that. But in july it would be 4.5 months not seeing each other..2 months still away :/ i am afraid distance would tear us apart... I will try to find a way to make things work for us, but i'm really tired mentally..

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Are you looking into jobs and work visas in her country? Or are you depending on her too much to make all the arrangements for your transition there such as depending on a fiance visa, not having a job lined up etc?

 

Where will you live? Do you fear she met someone local and would prefer to start a new life in this "better" country? You seem overly eager to marry. Is that for the visa or for her? What does she believe? No one wants to be your springboard when she had to go it alone there. Why didn't you move there 2 yrs ago?

the plan was that I would go to live in country where she lives now because its better than our country) and because of some paper and visa issues
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Are you looking into jobs and work visas in her country? Or are you depending on her too much to make all the arrangements for your transition there such as depending on a fiance visa, not having a job lined up etc?

 

Where will you live? Do you fear she met someone local and would prefer to start a new life in this "better" country? You seem overly eager to marry. Is that for the visa or for her? What does she believe? No one wants to be your springboard when she had to go it alone there. Why didn't you move there 2 yrs ago?

 

 

I (we) didnt think of me applying jobs in country where she lives now because it is way easier to depend od her visa.. And i couldn't come 2yrs ago because she needed to work and live in that country for 2 yrs (this month she is officially 2 yrs living and working there).

You made me think about your last few questions: "

You seem overly eager to marry. Is that for the visa or for her?

What does she believe? No one wants to be your springboard when she had to go it alone there."

Do you think i should make conversation about this? I think i made clear to her that im all about her, but maybe she deep in herself believes that im looking for a visa :s

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Yes. it sounds like you proposed because that would make "easier" for you and place all the burden on her shoulders. No job? No place to live? Is she supposed to support you do the paperwork for your visa etc?

 

Yes your timing indicates that you are after a visa, not her. Perhaps she has been speaking with friends/family about the wedding and your sudden eagerness to marry to get an "easy" visa. Maybe she doesn't want to sponsor you?

 

Yes it sounds like you are using her for an entry into that "better" country. It also sounds like that's why you waited 2 yrs to propose because now is an "easy" opportunity for you, not because you love her.

 

Yes talk to her about it. You need to look for jobs or other opportunities there to indicate that you are not just using her because it makes your desire to live in that country "easy". Instead of lies and cheap tricks, prove you are sincere and get a job offer there.

I didnt think of me applying jobs in country where she lives now because it is way easier to depend od her visa.. And i couldn't come 2yrs ago because she needed to work and live in that country for 2 yrs (this month she is officially 2 yrs living and working there).

I think i made clear to her that im all about her, but maybe she deep in herself believes that im looking for a visa :s

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Yes. it sounds like you proposed because that would make "easier" for you and place all the burden on her shoulders. No job? No place to live? Is she supposed to support you do the paperwork for your visa etc?

 

Yes your timing indicates that you are after a visa, not her. Perhaps she has been speaking with friends/family about the wedding and your sudden eagerness to marry to get an "easy" visa. Maybe she doesn't want to sponsor you?

 

Yes it sounds like you are using her for an entry into that "better" country. It also sounds like that's why you waited 2 yrs to propose because now is an "easy" opportunity for you, not because you love her.

 

Yes talk to her about it. You need to look for jobs or other opportunities there to indicate that you are not just using her because it makes your desire to live in that country "easy". Instead of lies and cheap tricks, prove you are sincere and get a job offer there.

 

I see sense in your words especially in that part of speaking with her friends, it could be.

Our plans included that im gonna find job there of course, and i studied IT-academy last year, finishing in july this year.

I really must admit you that you made me think different now, searching solutions and problems i didnt think ever to do.. It really makes sense because you objectively speaking..

I do love her, really.. You think i should talk to her about everything we (you and me) talked here? I mean these particular things you wrote objectively speaking?

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You should be researching your own jobs and and visa sponsors rather than using her for an 'easy visa' with a sudden proposal and an urgency to get married now that she is there 2 yrs.

 

When you have a job offer with a visa sponsor, talk to her. In the mean time it sounds like she would rather breakup or at least put things on hold until you get your act together rather than lies and nonsense. That in itself indicates you are insincere and could be using her for a visa.

 

She and her family/friends have certainly noticed your urgency for her to get you a visa and then this sudden proposal, no? Add that to trying to trick her about quitting your job, and it sounds like you are using her.

I do love her, really.. You think i should talk to her about everything we (you and me) talked here? I mean these particular things you wrote objectively speaking?

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You should be researching your own jobs and and visa sponsors rather than using her for an 'easy visa' with a sudden proposal and an urgency to get married now that she is there 2 yrs.

 

When you have a job offer with a visa sponsor, talk to her. In the mean time it sounds like she would rather breakup or at least put things on hold until you get your act together rather than lies and nonsense. That in itself indicates you are insincere and could be using her for a visa.

 

She and her family/friends have certainly noticed your urgency for her to get you a visa and then this sudden proposal, no? Add that to trying to trick her about quitting your job, and it sounds like you are using her.

 

 

No, her family cant wait for us to get married, her father cried few days ago in front of me because we won't marry on 29.may.. Our families are really into this 100%.

Now her friends there could be talking about something similar that you have told. Because she often spend time with them (her female.friend who got.married and brought her husband on her visa). Maybe they talk about that stuff.

What do you think should i ask her directly: "Do you think im using you for visa? Do you think i care.only to come to your country because its better than mine? "

 

This whole thing we started together 3 years ago. It was my idea because she went to nursing school and this country desperately needs nurses, and i have friend who is 7 years working there now. So she had to learn language only to get there. When she got her language certicifate, we went to my friend and he helped us a lot, he found her job there.

I remember i was angry that time in may last year when she said that she is not sure about her feelings and i said you want to quit everything we built?

Later i did apologize on that, but maybe she has some words.stuck in her head...i dont know..

I just want to make this right..

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No, her family cant wait for us to get married, her father cried few days ago in front of me because we won't marry on 29.may.. Our families are really into this 100%.

Now her friends there could be talking about something similar that you have told. Because she often spend time with them (her female.friend who got.married and brought her husband on her visa). Maybe they talk about that stuff.

What do you think should i ask her directly: "Do you think im using you for visa? Do you think i care.only to come to your country because its better than mine? "

 

This whole thing we started together 3 years ago. It was my idea because she went to nursing school and this country desperately needs nurses, and i have friend who is 7 years working there now. So she had to learn language only to get there. When she got her language certicifate, we went to my friend and he helped us a lot, he found her job there.

I remember i was angry that time in may last year when she said that she is not sure about her feelings and i said you want to quit everything we built?

Later i did apologize on that, but maybe she has some words.stuck in her head...i dont know..

I just want to make this right..

 

You said you started this together but sounds like she's doing most of the hard work. Going to nurse school, learning a new language, going to a new country to build a new life - these are not easy tasks. I'm sure you've been supporting her in your ways during all this but she's the one doing it all. Do you think she could have outgrown the relationship after experiencing all this? Even if she doesn't want to continue the relationship now, she's not "quitting" from this new life she built for herself with all the career/life changes. I'm sorry but there is little you can do at this point if she's no longer interested in sharing that life with you.

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Do you have any certain advice? A lot of stuffs are going through my head, but im afraid i would act subjective.. An objective advice would be helpfull

 

Her advice was objective. Just because you so not like it does not mean it is not valid.

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You said you started this together but sounds like she's doing most of the hard work. Going to nurse school, learning a new language, going to a new country to build a new life - these are not easy tasks. I'm sure you've been supporting her in your ways during all this but she's the one doing it all. Do you think she could have outgrown the relationship after experiencing all this? Even if she doesn't want to continue the relationship now, she's not "quitting" from this new life she built for herself with all the career/life changes. I'm sorry but there is little you can do at this point if she's no longer interested in sharing that life with you.

 

 

Yes i know all that.. There is really low number of things i can do from this position, because physicall contact and talk is really important in these situation..but i must wait july for that to happen..

So i am thinking about what i could do right now and these next 2 months..

Do you have any certain advice? I am thinking of supporting her in everything..but i need to think of my mental health too.

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