My wife hates my brother’s wife and I can’t handle it. It is making me depressed

[abitbroken]

Eskimo hasn’t said that she has done anything other than be controlling with OCD tendencies.

 

You are all assuming that she has done something really awful to get this response response from Eskimo’s wife. There has been nothing from Eskimo to suggest that.

 

We are all not the same in our personalities. Some are a little different.

Yes if SIL is overbearing, then the twin brother needs to chat with her.

 

We are taught in Kindergarten to get along and be resilient.

 

As far as the last line, i was taught that too, but when someone is repeatedly a bully, my parents taught me to stop including them and walk away and find other friends.

 

Being controlling IS enough of a problem. My sister ruined Easter one year. She had this vision that the room would be quiet, all focus on my parents when they unwrapped something that said they were going to have a grandkid. (not to mention Easter isn't a "present" holiday so there would be normal time for this to happen). A neighbor knocked at the door, someone was in the bathroom, I apparently wasn't sitting in the "right seat". My dad had tucked it away in the bedroom because no one else got gifts and he didn't want the little kids to wonder where their presents were. We had NO idea that this was going to happen. She was already mad at me because i pet her dog before saying hi to my parents (the dog was outside...my parents were in the house) so she already had her claws out. She mad everyone feel bad because she didn't have total control.

 

My sister can make things very stressful if things aren't "just so" and if she doesn't have total control

[Cherylyn]

Habitual, chronic, repeated disrespect and immoral behavior = semi estrangement or estrangement. This IS resilience and survival.

[Fishbite]

As far as the last line, i was taught that too, but when someone is repeatedly a bully, my parents taught me to stop including them and walk away and find other friends.

 

Being controlling IS enough of a problem. My sister ruined Easter one year. She had this vision that the room would be quiet, all focus on my parents when they unwrapped something that said they were going to have a grandkid. (not to mention Easter isn't a "present" holiday so there would be normal time for this to happen). A neighbor knocked at the door, someone was in the bathroom, I apparently wasn't sitting in the "right seat". My dad had tucked it away in the bedroom because no one else got gifts and he didn't want the little kids to wonder where their presents were. We had NO idea that this was going to happen. She was already mad at me because i pet her dog before saying hi to my parents (the dog was outside...my parents were in the house) so she already had her claws out. She mad everyone feel bad because she didn't have total control.

 

My sister can make things very stressful if things aren't "just so" and if she doesn't have total control

 

Do you still talk to your sister?

 

There is no mention here that Eskimo’s sister in law is a bully.

[Fishbite]

This is not kindergarten anymore. The rules have since changed. It's called "real deal breakers."

 

What goes around comes around.

 

I am trying to have an adult conversation here. There is no need for smugs and tongues. If you are suggesting that this could happen to me, it already has.

[Cherylyn]

I am trying to have an adult conversation here. There is no need for smugs and tongues. If you are suggesting that this could happen to me, it already has.

 

I'm telling you that often times there is no such thing as following kindergarten rules, resilience, putting your big girl pants on, being an only child or not, suck it up buttercup, etc. Often times, there's such bad blood due to habitual, chronic, sick behaviors that your suggestions while in theory are good, realistically, it doesn't work. It is not a one size fits all scenario. If you were in my shoes with certain despicable sick characters who cross my path, you'd be singing a different tune. Yes, I can remain civil but we play by my rules from now on. I'm in the driver's seat which is empowering and this is what enforced healthy boundaries are. Am I peaceful? Yes. More than that? That's laughable.

 

I'm not suggesting anything. If two people are incompatible and other family members or people wish to congregate, then by all means get together. However, it doesn't mean that everyone has to force themselves to be a good sport for every occasion. As mentioned previously, for my family I make exceptions for a few major holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas for the sake of my sons. After that, don't bother me for another 11 months. It's the best I can do and even then it's above and beyond considering the ton of cooking I do for my sister's shindigs.

 

I'm suggesting to you that high expectations of others isn't feasible. I believe in doing the bare minimum for the sake of peace but I draw the line somewhere. These are the harsh PERMANENT consequences to pay for unacceptable, intolerable, indifferent, apathetic, narcissistic, gaslighting, ugly, mental illness type behaviors. Forgive? Yes. Forget? NEVER.

 

Unfortunately, a lot of people are purely HOPELESS. I've since written them off which feels quite liberating.

 

To be clear, no one has to be a bully either. If whatever comes out of the perpetrator's mouth or in written form disrespects me, my sons or husband (with unkindness, rudeness, bad manners, obnoxiousness, insults, offenses, meanness, blocks me, hangs up, tests me sorely, underestimates me, etc), then something inside me dies and I can't recapture my former enthusiasm for them anymore. This is human nature and universal. I don't want to be with people who've demonstrated their true colors to me in the past. I've since lost my desire and trust meaning, I know what they're capable of and they'll do it to me again. It's only a matter of time.

 

NO DEAL.

[abitbroken]

Do you still talk to your sister?

 

There is no mention here that Eskimo’s sister in law is a bully.

 

I have boundaries. I never ask her to do anything one on one. We don't have a close sister relationship where we shop together, etc. I see her at family gatherings where other people are there -- she just thinks i am busy like everyone else. Her husband, luckily, is a fun, easy going guy and tell her to lighten up or will step in and ask the "target" of her ire "hey, would you go pick up the pizza with me?" or "i heard that you got to go kayaking.." or in other ways "rescue" them. BIIIIG difference than the OP because the OP's brother does NOTHING and neither does the OP. My guy couldn't take her one day (she just had her claws out at me for no reason - i had just walked in the room) and made a strong comment once to defend me as well. So ever since, she does not DARE say boo to him.

[abitbroken]

I am trying to have an adult conversation here. There is no need for smugs and tongues. If you are suggesting that this could happen to me, it already has.

 

You are the one who mentioned kindergarten. Bully was just a random example. But you don't need to pull hair to be a nightmare of a person to deal with

[Fishbite]

Okay thanks for the insight everyone. I understand and respect your points of view and I agree, the OP and the brother should be doing more to hold the SIL more accountable.

[abitbroken]

Okay thanks for the insight everyone. I understand and respect your points of view and I agree, the OP and the brother should be doing more to hold the SIL more accountable.

 

The OP does not need to keep SIL accountable. He needs to protect his family by not inviting her to the home, to not join brother and SIL for outings at this time, etc. - in otherwords remove his wife from the situation with no protest

[tattoobunnie]

So instead of addressing the person who is attacking your wife, you attack your pregnant wife on why she can't just suck it up?

 

She and her aren't buddies, and you need to be okay with this. You and bro will just need to do things on your own when visiting each other.

 

And your wife clams up about it because you keep telling her, your brother's happiness is top priority. If you want to talk about things, make sure you show support for her over everyone else.