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So I know I’m going to get a lot of “move on an ex is an ex for a reason” and I don’t want anyone to think in anyway I’m sitting around moping and waiting for my ex boyfriend to come back because I’m not, I’m happy to carry on improving myself.

 

Basically my question is we’ve been broken up for about two months now?? (Together for nearly 5 years and he’s 37 and I’m 29) It was a fairly amicable break up we had a lot of pressure from outside our relationship and it just got a bit too much. He was heartbroken the day I left and I was equally heartbroken. He told me I was his best friend and he loves me with all his heart. I honestly don’t question how much this man loves me he’s a very sensitive loving individual and I’m the complete opposite, I’m not the best at showing my emotions. So after we’d decided to end it I rang him back about an hour later hysterical saying I just didn’t want to do this and let’s do something and he said he has to think about it? well that upset me a lot! Now being the hot headed person I am I told him it’s fine leave it he obviously doesn’t want to be with me if he has to think about it and he got upset by this and said that wasn’t fair.

 

So basically since then he has not said a single word to me, he ignored all my messages at first but now he’s started reading them (I’ve probably sent about 6 since the break up). So it’s coming up to 8 weeks now he’s now removed me from his PlayStation friends and i’m so confused I’ve told him to tell me to leave him alone forever if that’s what he really wants and if he just needs more space then fair enough. But nothing. He said he still wanted to be friends and I told him no at first because it felt too hard but I made it clear later on when I rang him back that I would be happy to keep him as a friend. Basically I’m giving him space because he clearly doesn’t want to talk to me but has anyone’s else’s ex come back when it seemed impossible? All 4 of my ex’s before him came back to me after a few months of our breaks ups and I just wasn’t interested at that point anymore. This is just very different, he’s a highly stubborn individual and I just feel so discarded. The break up happened so fast we had a really happy relationship and I think I just want some closure and a proper goodbye if he’s really not wanting to be with me. I’m rambling I know I just don’t understand how someone could remove you from their lives so easily and I suppose I’m just looking for some happy ending stories from other users. I don’t need this man in my life to live but I want him.

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Sorry to hear this. What were the "outside pressures"? Did you live together? What was the breakup about? Perhaps no contact is his way of healing?

It was a fairly amicable break up we had a lot of pressure from outside our relationship and it just got a bit too much.

So basically since then he has not said a single word to me, he ignored all my messages at first but now he’s started reading them.

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”Sorry to hear this. What were the "outside pressures"? Did you live together? What was the breakup about? Perhaps no contact is his way of healing?“ Thank you!

Outside pressures were he’s a business owner and was under a lot of stress and my family rely on me waaaay too much and he didn’t like it but I wouldn’t listen. (Im learning now). We did live together yes in his house Id moved in about a year ago. Break up was just neither of us understood what else to do, I felt like I was making his life miserable (I’ve been struggling on and off with depression for some time).

I think it is his way of healing and I don’t want people to think I’m crazy but I genuinely know how much he loved/loves me. I think I just need to give him some space to allow him to feel whatever he needs to feel, I’m just scared of losing him forever.

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Sorry to hear this. What were the "outside pressures"? Did you live together? What was the breakup about? Perhaps no contact is his way of healing?[/

Thank you!

Outside pressures were he’s a business owner and was under a lot of stress and my family rely on me waaaay too much and he didn’t like it but I wouldn’t listen. (Im learning now). We did live together yes in his house Id moved in about a year ago. Break up was just neither of us understood what else to do, I felt like I was making his life miserable (I’ve been struggling on and off with depression for some time).

I think it is his way of healing and I don’t want people to think I’m crazy but I genuinely know how much he loved/loves me. I think I just need to give him some space to allow him to feel whatever he needs to feel, I’m just scared of losing him forever.

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What prompted you to move out? Did you move back home with family? Was there pressure from your family to marry or where there cultural differences? All you can do is give him space.

 

Hopefully you are coping with all the stress and taking care of the depression with the help of doctors and therapists.

We did live together yes in his house I moved in about a year ago.

I’ve been struggling on and off with depression for some time).

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What prompted you to move out? Did you move back home with family? Was there pressure from your family to marry or where there cultural differences? All you can do is give him space.

 

Hopefully you are coping with all the stress and taking care of the depression with the help of doctors and therapists.

 

I honestly don’t know I wasn’t thinking straight and just thought it was best for both of us if I left it all happened very fast. I moved in with my sister for the time being and the pressure was my family is highly dysfunctional and my older sister needs a lot of care which I’m mainly responsible for. I will continue to give him space and I’m currently getting help through a therapist. I just don’t know how to make things okay with him if he won’t acknowledge me.

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Leave him alone and let him come to you. As they say if you love something let it go, it it comes back it was meant to be. You need to be more patient from now on.

Thank you I will continue to give him space, I’ve apologised to him for being so hasty and giving up on us so fast. All I can do is give him space and hopefully he’ll realise our relationship was mainly a happy one. I’m definitely trying to be more patient and a lot less hot headed!

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Sorry about all this.

 

I know it's hard, but whether it's in dating, inside a relationship, or in the turbulence after a breakup, you have to respect that another person is allowed to feel whatever it is they're feeling. Might not always align with your feelings or what you want them to feel, but if you can't listen to the other person, and give them space to listen to themselves, you run the risk of negating their humanity, making them feel like a pawn on your chessboard rather than a person in their own skin.

 

I say that generally, sure, but specifically in the context of how you responded when he told you he needed to think and in the days following that. I understand that wasn't what you wanted to hear, but you really didn't listen to him, or respect him. You were essentially asking him to validate and reward you for being a "hothead," to use your word, and then you got really hotheaded when he failed to provide that reward on your timeline. None of that was fair, as he put it, and I'd imagine that moment left a mark on him in addition to those other "pressures" that led to the foundation cracking.

 

I don't say all that to punish you, but to just encourage some reflection here. Do you want to be a hothead? If not, is there any chance that this relationship was cultivating an edgy, impatient side of you that is unhealthy? If so, is that really someone you're best partnered with? If not, what steps can you take, right now, to work on getting that stuff in check, so in the future, be that a future with him or someone else, there is more room to listen than react impulsively? We don't get a lot of moments to reflect on our actions and reactions—on who we are, and want to be, in the world and in our skin—and maybe this time could be spent exploring all that a bit? Wherever this goes, can you see that as a gift to start opening?

 

From what you've written, you seem to see that all his actions right now are about you, along with believing, in your core, that you understand his feelings better than he does. Was that how things were when you were together? Another question worth thinking about. Regardless, there is another lens to view this through that isn't so fogged by your feelings, wants, desires, jitters—the one in which he is just a person, making choices to heal and process. Those choices need to be respected, not personalized or controlled, which I think, ultimately, you're trying to do. He might not know what he wants or what he feels, whether it's being left alone "forever" or just needs "space." Putting words and feelings into his mouth is not going to bring clarity for either of you. That's basically yelling in an already noisy room.

 

I have some happy stories I could share, I'm sure. But speaking for myself? My "happiest" stories of breakups are not measured in whether I got back together with someone or not, but in how I grew in processing hardship. I very much know the pain of really, really wanting someone back—and I'm sorry you're feeling that—but if you can give him space now and channel that pain into growth, I think you're going to find this leads to exactly what you want, or at least need, most, which is a spirit that is more settled than yours is at present. While right now you may believe being back together is the thing that will settle the spirit, in my observation relationships—be they new ones or reconciliations—work best when two people connect in a settled state, rather than lean on the other to quell whatever is unsettled.

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Sorry about all this.

 

I know it's hard, but whether it's in dating, inside a relationship, or in the turbulence after a breakup, you have to respect that another person is allowed to feel whatever it is they're feeling. Might not always align with your feelings or what you want them to feel, but if you can't listen to the other person, and give them space to listen to themselves, you run the risk of negating their humanity, making them feel like a pawn on your chessboard rather than a person in their own skin.

 

I say that generally, sure, but specifically in the context of how you responded when he told you he needed to think and in the days following that. I understand that wasn't what you wanted to hear, but you really didn't listen to him, or respect him. You were essentially asking him to validate and reward you for being a "hothead," to use your word, and then you got really hotheaded when he failed to provide that reward on your timeline. None of that was fair, as he put it, and I'd imagine that moment left a mark on him in addition to those other "pressures" that led to the foundation cracking.

 

I don't say all that to punish you, but to just encourage some reflection here. Do you want to be a hothead? If not, is there any chance that this relationship was cultivating an edgy, impatient side of you that is unhealthy? If so, is that really someone you're best partnered with? If not, what steps can you take, right now, to work on getting that stuff in check, so in the future, be that a future with him or someone else, there is more room to listen than react impulsively? We don't get a lot of moments to reflect on our actions and reactions—on who we are, and want to be, in the world and in our skin—and maybe this time could be spent exploring all that a bit? Wherever this goes, can you see that as a gift to start opening?

 

From what you've written, you seem to see that all his actions right now are about you, along with believing, in your core, that you understand his feelings better than he does. Was that how things were when you were together? Another question worth thinking about. Regardless, there is another lens to view this through that isn't so fogged by your feelings, wants, desires, jitters—the one in which he is just a person, making choices to heal and process. Those choices need to be respected, not personalized or controlled, which I think, ultimately, you're trying to do. He might not know what he wants or what he feels, whether it's being left alone "forever" or just needs "space." Putting words and feelings into his mouth is not going to bring clarity for either of you. That's basically yelling in an already noisy room.

 

I have some happy stories I could share, I'm sure. But speaking for myself? My "happiest" stories of breakups are not measured in whether I got back together with someone or not, but in how I grew in processing hardship. I very much know the pain of really, really wanting someone back—and I'm sorry you're feeling that—but if you can give him space now and channel that pain into growth, I think you're going to find this leads to exactly what you want, or at least need, most, which is a spirit that is more settled than yours is at present. While right now you may believe being back together is the thing that will settle the spirit, in my observation relationships—be they new ones or reconciliations—work best when two people connect in a settled state, rather than lean on the other to quell whatever is unsettled.

 

Thank you so much this is a beautiful response. I’ve been trying to remind myself daily that him not responding to me has nothing to do with me and everything to do with himself. I’m aware how I’m reacting is me trying to heal myself and not thinking of what he might need/want in this situation. When I say I’m hot headed it’s not a constant thing I am a fairly laid back individual and it’s one of the things he loved about me he appreciated that there was hardly any drama with me but due to my depression I have been struggling with keeping my emotions in check recently and yes I know it’s not fair to him. I’m going to therapy now and really working on myself, I suppose what I want out of this for him to not leave the relationship with a sour feeling, that person who left that day was not me I’ve had quite a lot of trauma to deal with in the past year (my uncle, nan and father all passing away and 4 of my childhood pets) and I’ve really manifested that into our relationship. I will continue to work on myself and just accept what ever happens will happen. I’d just love to in the future be able to speak with him and not look back on this break up and feel total remorse. He’s give me 5 beautiful years which I will always be thankful for and I do wish I would have handled the situation better. I suppose I can only show him this through actions and allowing him whatever space he needs regardless of how I might be feeling right now.

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Thank you so much this is a beautiful response. I’ve been trying to remind myself daily that him not responding to me has nothing to do with me and everything to do with himself. I’m aware how I’m reacting is me trying to heal myself and not thinking of what he might need/want in this situation. When I say I’m hot headed it’s not a constant thing I am a fairly laid back individual and it’s one of the things he loved about me he appreciated that there was hardly any drama with me but due to my depression I have been struggling with keeping my emotions in check recently and yes I know it’s not fair to him. I’m going to therapy now and really working on myself, I suppose what I want out of this for him to not leave the relationship with a sour feeling, that person who left that day was not me I’ve had quite a lot of trauma to deal with in the past year (my uncle, nan and father all passing away and 4 of my childhood pets) and I’ve really manifested that into our relationship. I will continue to work on myself and just accept what ever happens will happen. I’d just love to in the future be able to speak with him and not look back on this break up and feel total remorse. He’s give me 5 beautiful years which I will always be thankful for and I do wish I would have handled the situation better. I suppose I can only show him this through actions and allowing him whatever space he needs regardless of how I might be feeling right now.

 

I wish you well and hope you find the help and strength to heal and grow. The sad truth is, while he is responsible for his actions and his feelings are truly his, his actions may in fact have something to do with you.

 

Being a hothead, overly reactive, overly emotional, unable to control oneself is draining to others. Every time a person accepts that behavior, they love the other person a little less, until the decision is to just get away from the person permanently.

 

You sound truly remorseful and this a tough pill to swallow. But the good that comes out of this may be motivation to learn to control yourself in all situations. We're all laid back and cool when things go our way. If your knee jerk reaction is to say fine and slam the door, you can't expect people to be there when you decide you didn't mean it.

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