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Was I wrong to tell his wife?


Katie19
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5 months ago I met this man at the bar. I’m 22, he’s 33.

We quickly became good friends and bonded over both common interests and traumas. We would drink together daily but at the same time help each other. I suffer from BPD & PTSD and he was great support. He gave me a home when I needed a place to stay and even helped me land a job. While I listened to his stories and gave advice from my personal experience and mental health education. He was currently separated from his wife of 13 years (as per her wish) but I swear nothing ever happened between us. It was fully platonic. I even looked at him as the father I never had.

 

2 months later he traveled back to his country. I started working and worked on curing my alcoholism. I went through painful detox and started taking my meds regularly and it was so worth it. I feel happier and healthier. I also inspired him to quit as I’m the kid of 2 alcoholics and I’ve been through it for 5 years myself.

 

He told me his wife hasnt bothered to see him and one night she snuck in his room, (she lives somewhere else)and sent herself the Chats between him and every person he met here in my country, including mine. Though I’m sure she didn’t find anything interesting as we were only friends. (He knew because she forgot to delete one chat)

 

I was able to be ther for him, make him laugh, share stories etc. But then He broke our pact of staying sober and he’d get drunk daily again and call me, and woe about his problems mostly about her and that she’s not seeing him, And how she’s always trying to fight and use things against him. And Thay she’s cheating on him constantly and wants a divorce. So he had even asked me to talk to her. I refused as I said idk her and it’s not my business to interfere.

 

Now the situation escalated. He’s been threatening suicide 2 days in a row. Dead drunk, planning his suicide. His 5 year old kid in midst of his bottles. I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. I can’t speak to his parents as they can’t speak English. His brother is the one who influences him to drink. So his wife is the only one I can report this to. I asked him for her number.

I introduced myself to her: said I took her number from his as emergency contact, explained the nature of my relationship with her husband , and merely informed her That I fear for his life and to report his suicidal tendencies. As a psychology student myself too, I suggested to see a psychiatrist. And I’m informing her human to human

 

She proceeded to attack me, said she “doesn’t want to entertain third parties, I’m a stranger poking into personal issues” and doesn’t need advice from a stranger. She also said I didn’t know facts and I should help him , not her.

And starts bringing in her culture as opposed to mine (I’m european)

 

I was shocked. I believe I did the right thing. What do you guys think? Or would’ve done if you were in my place ?

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While this situation maybe physically platonic it certainly isn’t emotionally platonic. You both have crossed massive boundaries. It is very obvious his wife and he are still in an emotional entanglement. Which is their right as a married couple.

 

While we need to care about other’s mental health and child welfare you have inserted yourself into a position of the emotional affair OW. You need to contact authorities in his country if you feel the child or he are in danger, not wifey.

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Next time anyone does this, do not waste time. Call 911. Never play with people's lives or the welfare of children by playing social worker and chitchatting to people's estranged spouses..

He’s been threatening suicide 2 days in a row. Dead drunk, planning his suicide. His 5 year old kid in midst of his bottles.

So his wife is the only one I can report this to. As a psychology student myself too, I suggested to see a psychiatrist.

She proceeded to attack me, said she “doesn’t want to entertain third parties, I’m a stranger poking into personal issues” and doesn’t need advice from a stranger. She also said I didn’t know facts and I should help him , not her.

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Call child protective services and report that a child is in a dangerous situation, and tell them the man threatened suicide. And then remove yourself from his life. In AA, they advise members to avoid hanging out with alcoholics as you're more prone to relapse. If he helped you at one time, great, but you don't owe him anything. It was a gift that worked out, but now keeping in contact with someone in this toxic situation will do nothing but negative things to your life.

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Umm He’s in a different country. I didn’t know whom to call and I don’t know his address. Just the city. I had no other alternative . He also told me no one is taking psychiatric cases at the moment

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Umm He’s in a different country. I didn’t know whom to call and I don’t know his address. Just the city. I had no other alternative . He also told me no one is taking psychiatric cases at the moment

 

I would stay out of his life. At this point you’re doing yourself no good or him.

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Ok then stay out of their marriage. He has local family, friends, etc who can help him more than you can. By the way, when someone is suicidal and inebriated you don't make an appointment, you go to the hospital no matter what city, country.

Umm He’s in a different country.
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Bruh your advice makes no sense. Where tf did I get Involved in their marriage I could care less. I was trying to save a life and I was looking for actual ALTERNATIVES not some cooked up bs

 

I don't understand why you're asking "was I wrong to tell his wife?" if you don't think that marriage plays a part in this story.

 

Personally, I think you're way too involved in these people's lives and have crossed boundaries.

 

It was foolish of you to get involved in the first place, but at 22 years of age, you may not yet be aware of that.

 

Everybody is not up in each other's sht in their 30s, the way they are in their early to mid 20s.

 

Adults are very protective of the privacy of their relationships and have little patience for outsiders who try to interfere.

 

If you become involved like this again with a married man, so matter how much he encourages you to involve yourself, you will run into similar problems.

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You are involved to a certain degree because he's telling you personally he wants to kill himself....their marriage issues, etc are none of your business. You should have simply told her he's threatening suicide, and that's it, nothing more.

 

I'll give you a tip...when people complain about their marriage, a lot of it is b*&^s&^%$, especially from a drunk. They embellish the truth to receive sympathy. IMO you got duped by this guy. It's plain to see he is the problem in that marriage, his drinking is the problem in that marriage....and the wife is right, you have no clue what is truly going on between them and have no right to advise anything. I don't blame her for being pissed off with you.

 

BTW congratz on your sobriety. I think what would benefit you is to cut yourself off from this guy. He's way too toxic, and your relationship with him on his end is co-dependent. He needs to go to AA and get a proper sponsor...a man.

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Wrong or right according to whom? We each know our own motivations, so figure out how clear you are about yours, and that clarity will bring you the right answer.

 

Messengers are never rewarded. Just the opposite. We each get to decide whether any given higher goal is worth the harm our actions will cause to a relationship, but it makes no sense to expect to be rewarded for that--or even forgiven.

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Not having any control is right. He probably promised her that he would get help...but all he did was get chummy with a 22 year old woman at a bar. And this woman had the nerve to advise her on her marriage issues....yikes! She must have felt violated.

 

One thing I have learned, is to always put yourself in their shoes before you take the next step. You were way too focused on the crap he's been feeding you. People lie no matter how sincere they may seem to be. It's all a learning experience.

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