Is she worth fighting for?

[aeroxyz]

Hi everyone,

 

I’m coming out of a kind of bizarre situation and need some advice on what to do next.

About 3 weeks ago, my FWB relationship with a colleague of mine ended quite badly. We’ve been colleagues for the better of 3 years now and became somewhat best friends in that period. The 2 of us would go and grab dinner after work on a Friday, we would spend Sunday evenings behind the TV and so on. Somewhat over 6 months ago, we had drinks with other colleagues after work and were both kinda wasted. When I dropped her of at her place, we ended up in bed together. The Friday after, she came to my place, had dinner and ended up in bed again. The week after same story except she asked me this time where I thought this was going because she didn’t want it to become serious. We both agreed to start a FWB relationship with would end if either of us found someone else. During that period, I started to have feelings for her and tried to get her to feel the same way without admitting my feelings. We had more the just a FWB relationship. We would stay over a couple of nights a week, drive to work together, plan things together for the weekend,… I even visited her parents a couple of times ‘as a friend’. After she casually told me she entered herself on a datingsite (while we were planning our trip to Vietnam) I kinda collapsed the day after when coming home from her. I Immedietly drove back to her to admit my feelings for her and ended the FWB relationship. When going back to work next day, I ignored her and saw she was struggling as well. 3 days later we saw each other after work and she admitted that she was missing me and wanted to be with me but she thought she was blocking the feeling of ‘loving’ me. So after a week of work and no contact, decided to reinstate the FWB relationship and give her the space to unblock the feeling of loving me. Of course now a month later and the feeling that she was blocking me more and more. We went from 4 nights a week together to only one every 2 weeks or so. We would still se each other every evening to have dinner together and watch TV during Corona, but she always wanted to sleep alone. She’s someone who needs space, but I was looking for the confirmation of love so kinda put her under pressure the hole time. Offcourse after some weeks, I couldn’t handle it anymore and after very emotional talk decided to end it now because she taught it wasn’t fair to me.

 

 

 

 

But now 3 weeks later I still can’t handle the thought of us not being together. If she sees me at work she continues to give me mixed signals. She asks me if I wanne come over for dinner one Friday night etc.. On the other hand she admitted to me that last week she’s been on a date with a guy 18 years older than her who she’s been texting for over a month.. I don’t know if I should keep chasing her. I know what I did wrong during the FWB relationship and want to show to her that I can give her all she needs to be happy like space and independence. Don’t know what’s the best action plan to convince her to give me that chance or if it could even work.. Still convinces that good things are worth fighting for but just don’t know how to proceed here

 

I know for obvious reasons that I should let her go. But I feel from being one of her best friends before the FWB started and she has always been someone who was scared to throw herself into a relationship. She joined a datingsite before I ever came clear about my feelings towards her. And we had our moments when I thought like this could work and like she was confirming her feelings. She always struck me as someone who let’s her brain be more important than her feelings. She wil find reasons with every guy why she won’t be good for him or the guy won’t be good for her. I’m kinda trying now to force her emotional side to take over. After the last break we had 2 weeks of no contact and when she invited me to come to her place to eat together I went there with the intention to just eat and than leave. Wich I did but I saw from here body language that she wanted me to stay for whatever reason… And since then we had regular contact, seen each other at work everyday and such and been acting like nothing happened. Of course since then I haven’t had the feeling anymore that she wanted me to stay. My heart is thinking now that I should ignore her as much as possible again for 2 weeks, which is difficult since we are colleagues and had a pretty close friendship. She’s been acting like nothing happened, even encouraging me to go on dates… I feel like if I can show here that we can’t be friends like before she will realize that she want’s me in her life and let her emotional side take over or get another moment like after those last 2 weeks of no contact to this time act on her feeling of wanting me to stay… But on the other side I don’t want to be an and don’t want to lose the connection we had even as friends. But right now I feel like that is what I need to do to give it one last shot… Just don’t feel ready yet to give up on this and don’t know the best way to give it that one last shot or just get her out of my life completely which would also break my heart (again)…

[Andrina]

Nobody is worth fighting for or trying to convince them to love you. You shut people down when they cross boundaries when moving into a different type of relationship with them. No, she's just your co-worker so start treating her like one and if she starts speaking to you like a friend would, asking you to dinner and telling you about their new love, you tell them to stop. That you're no longer lovers or friends, so you two can be pleasant to each other at work like you would with ANY co-worker, and that's it.

 

It will take treating her like any old co-worker and establishing those boundaries, or going to work somewhere else, before you can get closure from a failed relationship.

 

If it's a gf you want, don't be friends with an ex, and choose someone who has 100 percent confidence in being with you. She's known you 3 years, spent tons of time in your company and having sex. What's going to change to make her all of a sudden fall in love with you? Nothing. In the future, don't date people who are "scared." They are warning you that they are not available for what you want. Take care.

[reinventmyself]

She's not giving you mixed signals. You are trying to make this more complicated then it is.

She's been clear. She really likes you, enjoys your company but doesn't want a committed relationship with you.

 

Her telling you about her dates and telling you to date as well is her way of reminding you that this isn't going to go anywhere and that she's never veered from the original agreement: That the two of you will continual a casual relationship until one or the other meets someone they feel serious about.

 

Unfortunately, you feel serious about her and she wants to keep it the same.

 

You can't make her feel something she doesn't and you shouldn't want to.

I am sorry. I think you know the answer already.

[Wiseman2]

Do you know why she won't admit you are dating/in a relationship? This on/off fwb thing is indeed confusing. Pull way back, since she is on dating sites. Be friendly, polite, etc. but do not accept her invitations.

 

Do not go out after work, do not go to her house, do not have sex, do not sleep over. Let Mr. dating site keep her company.

[MissCanuck]

She isn't blocking feelings of love for you. She just doesn't have those feelings to begin with and doesn't know how to tell you that without losing the convenience of having you around when it suits her.

 

There is no sense fighting for someone when she's encouraging you to date other people. She knows she's moving on, and is trying to hint that you should too.

[ShatteredMan]

As usual, Wiseman and MissCanuck are right on the money. Also agree with Andrina, no one is worth "fighting for". Reread what you've written as if you're the one being solicited for advice on someone else's situation. You'll notice the first sentence in the third paragraph.

 

Matter of fact, the more that you "fight for her" by finding ways to get her attention, you will probably push her away at a faster rate than she is already moving toward this new guy or others. The strongest move you can pull is to disappear and make yourself scarce.

 

I had a similar situation a few years ago and I understand where you are. Its tough to accept that she has all the power in this situation which you thought you had more control over but didn't. You are also dealing with a "narcissistic injury" (doesn't mean you're a narcissist -look it up) and you can't face the truth of fact that she has chosen someone else to move on with. Been there, done that.

 

By your own admittance, she is sending you every signal that she has no intention of coming back and wants you to move on. Do you really want to share her with Mr. +18 years older than her? I assume not.

 

This may take some time and some distance from her but you have to make this happen in order to move on. Once you do, you'll see there's plenty of women out there that have more to offer than she did and will love you for who you are.

[Hollyj]

Nothing to fight for. She has no intention of having a relationship with you. Stop being a masochist and end this. This means no more hanging out or communications outside of work.

 

 

No future here! Sorry.

[Danmarko]

Just confirms to me this FWB thing is a joke, an emotive exercise leaving one or both of the parties hurt & confused. Go down the traditional route rather than this Hokey Cokey crap. In out in out shake it all about its absolute rubbish no good for no one.

[Hollyj]

Just confirms to me this FWB thing is a joke, an emotive exercise leaving one or both of the parties hurt & confused. Go down the traditional route rather than this Hokey Cokey crap. In out in out shake it all about its absolute rubbish no good for no one.

 

They rarely work, as one catches feelings.