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6 months later, still not over her. Worry I won't find anyone better.


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Apologies in advance for the long post, I imagine many people have posted similar stories on here but I felt I just needed somewhere to vent.

 

My ex(24/f) and I(28/m) of 1.5 years broke up roughly 6 months ago, initiated by her obviously. We argued a lot the last two months of the relationship and she ended things saying we were different people and she had fallen out of love with me. I understood her reasoning given the fights and different views, however, I also knew I had stopped taking interest and making as much as an effort with her, I tried to save our relationship and explain I would do better and I had become complacent but it was too late. We briefly saw each other for a couple of weeks after this, she reached out and admitted she wasn't completely sure of her decision, had been struggling herself and still had feelings for me but that ended and a couple of weeks later and it appeared she had moved on.

 

I unfollowed her on Instagram and deactivated my Facebook account around 3/4 months ago, I have not had any contact with her for 4 months since I last bumped into her so have been trying my best to move on myself but it has been extremely difficult for me. I attended counselling and have been prescribed anti-depressants, I have recently increased my dosage due to COVID-19 as I am now more depressed than ever. I was beginning to feel slightly better about the whole thing prior to coronavirus, however, since I have been in lockdown for 40+ days and I live alone, I have too much time to think and nobody to speak to, it feels as though it is all coming back to me even more intense than previously. I feel like I am trapped in my own head, like I am in some sort of mental prison, she occupies my thoughts constantly which I know logically is stupid since she isn't thinking about me at all.

 

I decided to start running last week to try and make myself feel better, on my first run I ended up running past her on a narrow pathway by chance, she was with a guy who is her new boyfriend and will have seen me too. I just stared ahead and pretended I didn't notice but it has been killing me ever since. I feel like everything is getting too much, I tried doing something for myself to ease the pain but I ended up by chance seeing her instead. Ever since, all I can think about is her and the new guy being together, sleeping together etc. I actually saw them kiss as I was running towards them, but I didn't realise it was my ex until I got closer as my eyesight isn't the best.

 

I guess my question is; should I be still so upset over this after 6 months? What can I do to help me get over her, especially during a lockdown when I live alone and I feel lonely constantly? Why do I think about her constantly even though I know it's over and she now has someone else?

 

I also have these constant thoughts that I will not find anyone better, that she was 'out of my league' and I ruined it by being lazy and argumentative - I struggle to forgive myself for my part in the demise of the relationship. I know logically there are millions of potential partners in the world but I can't seem to take the blinkers off, to me, she is still everything I wanted in a partner and I can't seem to shake it. I know a lot of people say this but she really was beautiful, she once got approached to model. I, on the other hand, am decent looking but nothing special by any means. She was so kind and sweet to me, we had a lot In common but ultimately did not share the same values in the bigger picture in her opinion. I rarely meet anyone I like and click with so much which makes this harder on me, I have only had two meaningful relationships in my lifetime, I'm worried it will take me a long time to find another.

 

I feel like it is hard getting over this since there was no cheating etc, she was really good to me but felt we weren't compatible long term, so it is hard to hate her or anything to make it easier or focus on huge negatives to bring her down from the pedestal I have erected for her. I have tried dating but nothing has ever went past the first date, I rarely get matches on tinder etc and it just makes me feel worse. I feel like if I met someone else who I found to be as attractive, interesting, sweet, etc, I would maybe see all is not lost in the world and would be more positive in my thinking. However, due to lockdown, I am instead stuck home alone every week. How do I shake the feeling that she was too good for me and improve my self esteem? Do things feel worse than they are due to my isolation?

 

I just want to feel like myself again, I've felt like a stranger in my own body for such a long time now it's exhausting. I would appreciate any tips on getting past the rumination of thoughts and general feeling of screwing up something good and not being able to think positively.

 

I must admit, it does feel a little better to write this out and read it myself. Thank you for reading.

Edited by Jimmyjackson
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You are really glorifying her in your mind with all the complementary things you are saying about her and how pretty she is.

 

Life right now is pretty boring for you due to the virus so you have too much time to ruminate over the breakup with this girl. Now you have seen her with another guy which is more fuel for your obsessive thinking.

 

The anti depressants may be getting in the way of your healing, have you talked to your doctor or therapist about this? If not, perhaps you should. You can google for some online therapy too.

 

If writing here helps, keep doing it!

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Sorry to hear this. Breakups hurt. And the corona virus and all the fallout is knocking the wind out of everyone. Good you are participating in self care such as taking prescribed medication, talking to a therapist and getting out and exercising.

 

Use this time to reach out to people, friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, classmates, etc and ask how they are doing. Revise and reset all your a social media. Of course delete and block her and all her people and focus on people in your life.

I attended counselling and have been prescribed anti-depressants, I have recently increased my dosage due to COVID-19 as I am now more depressed than ever. I decided to start running last week to try and make myself feel better

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You will find better. If you can get one great girl, you can get another and this time you have more experience and some lessons learned.

 

You're trapped in your head. Ride it out. Be kind to yourself, persevere and save yourself for better times. know that this pandemic is hard for everybody.

 

Look into meditation and breathing exercises. They really can help you learn to cintrol your thoughts. essentially letting the thoughts come as they do, but deciding not to follow them down the rabbit hole. As you push the thoughts out, they come less frequently.

 

give yourself time and a break. These things take as long as they take. And they will pass... trust yourself and have hope for the future.

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The only tried and true way to completely get over your ex is lots of space and lots of time. Continue with No Contact and give yourself plenty of time to move on.

 

May I ask why it is you ran past her "by chance"? Do the two of you live in the same building, or in the same neighborhood? Or perhaps, subconsciously, were you running in an area she frequents or an area the two of you used to frequent?

 

If she lives in or around your neighborhood, I suggest traveling to a completely different neighborhood for your runs. Avoid any potential accidental run-ins with your ex by purposely going to areas she will not be wandering around in.

 

I advise continuing with your counseling and also continue doing things that you love and that bring you satisfaction. Perhaps take on an indoor hobby that will help pass the time and take your mind off of your ex (writing, painting, sculpting, etc) As others have suggested, reach out to your family and friends for support.

 

Given enough time and space, you will emotionally heal and begin to feel like yourself again. When that happens, you will once again be ready to date and potentially allow another person to share in your life. It is best to refrain from entering into another relationship before you have completely emotionally healed. A relationship should never be used as something to help fill a void, it should only be something you enter into when your life is full and complete and you wish to share it with someone else.

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You are really glorifying her in your mind with all the complementary things you are saying about her and how pretty she is.

 

Life right now is pretty boring for you due to the virus so you have too much time to ruminate over the breakup with this girl. Now you have seen her with another guy which is more fuel for your obsessive thinking.

 

The anti depressants may be getting in the way of your healing, have you talked to your doctor or therapist about this? If not, perhaps you should. You can google for some online therapy too.

 

If writing here helps, keep doing it!

 

It was my therapist who actually suggested the medication once my therapy ended. I only received six sessions through a work assistance programme, I am on the waiting list for further therapy but I was told it would be months and now with this pandemic I imagine it will take forever. I agree with the online therapy point, I will look into it.

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You will find better. If you can get one great girl, you can get another and this time you have more experience and some lessons learned.

 

You're trapped in your head. Ride it out. Be kind to yourself, persevere and save yourself for better times. know that this pandemic is hard for everybody.

 

Look into meditation and breathing exercises. They really can help you learn to cintrol your thoughts. essentially letting the thoughts come as they do, but deciding not to follow them down the rabbit hole. As you push the thoughts out, they come less frequently.

 

give yourself time and a break. These things take as long as they take. And they will pass... trust yourself and have hope for the future.

 

You are right about if I can find one, I will find another. I guess because I don't have any options at the moment and see her happy with another guy, I just feel hopeless about my current situation.

 

My work have offered free 'Headspace' licenses for employees, I've applied for one of these!

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The only tried and true way to completely get over your ex is lots of space and lots of time. Continue with No Contact and give yourself plenty of time to move on.

 

May I ask why it is you ran past her "by chance"? Do the two of you live in the same building, or in the same neighborhood? Or perhaps, subconsciously, were you running in an area she frequents or an area the two of you used to frequent?

 

If she lives in or around your neighborhood, I suggest traveling to a completely different neighborhood for your runs. Avoid any potential accidental run-ins with your ex by purposely going to areas she will not be wandering around in.

 

I advise continuing with your counseling and also continue doing things that you love and that bring you satisfaction. Perhaps take on an indoor hobby that will help pass the time and take your mind off of your ex (writing, painting, sculpting, etc) As others have suggested, reach out to your family and friends for support.

 

Given enough time and space, you will emotionally heal and begin to feel like yourself again. When that happens, you will once again be ready to date and potentially allow another person to share in your life. It is best to refrain from entering into another relationship before you have completely emotionally healed. A relationship should never be used as something to help fill a void, it should only be something you enter into when your life is full and complete and you wish to share it with someone else.

 

No it was pure chance, she lives a 10/15 minute walk (last I knew), she was walking right around the corner from my building, I hadn't ventured far. It just upset me that of all days, all times to go running, that happened! Bad luck.

 

I am on the waiting list for further counselling, I imagine it will take a long time due to the pandemic. Yes I have tried to put focus into things but I guess my mind just wanders so much, it's difficult.

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Hey OP,

I just want to say your post hit me. The way you describe it is exactly how I have been feeling. The people of this forum are amazing with their advice and guidance. They have helped give me insight into my situation and whilst sometimes I can't shake it off, other times I can.

My mind is in a fairly similar state to yours at the moment and I find my head filling with thoughts of my ex, what she might be doing and who with etc. For me it's just been over 2 months and lockdown has definitely made things more challenging.

My words of advice would be find things to deviate your mind, if only for small parts at a time. I have started an online course and do a mini workout each morning. I then write articles to submit to various sites that need contributors. Whilst this doesn't take my whole day, it gives me a degree of focus for a while.

Sure I then slip back into thinking about her and hoping she will reach out to me but as each day goes by I can feel the more rational part of my mind telling me that I can't change anything and if she wants to make contact she will.

It's tough and one thing the people on here have taught me is that you will find yourself only looking back at the good times of the relationship and elevating them to a level that in reality they weren't. If you look at the negative elements too, it may help make you see that it wasn't as great as you thought and that more opportunity is out there for you.

Best of luck

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It really is an awful time for you! Especially with the prospect of running in to your ex. 10 years ago I was in the same/similar situation as yourself, my wife lived 1/2 a mile away and a woman I'd completely fallen in love with lived a couple of miles away. We had a very brief relationship after my loveless marriage broke up. I used to get up at 6am and do a 5K run before most folk were up and about. Then my ex wife moved on pretty quickly and found a new guy & the same with my ex girlfriend. Horrible time...like yourself anti-depressants and drink to take the pain away.

You wake up thinking about them and go to bed thinking the same. Time really is the only healer and getting out on dates helped me with the loneliness.

The first thing is finally accepting that she is never coming back and removing all trace of her. Gifts, photos etc.

I found going on dates got me out of the flat and really helpful just to talk to someone. Looking back perhaps I had no intention of a relationship just a few hours company. They say it takes at least a couple of years to get over a break up, I think it was about that for me certainly for the acute stage. 5 years on I still thought about her. 10 years now and in a stable relationship.

I passed my ex girlfriend in a car a few weeks ago and got a little flip in my gut but you do get to the point where get past it and manage to get on with your life. Work on yourself and get out there. Don't buy in to this 'if it comes along bull' you have to change it make it happen...good luck dude.

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I think one of the things I seem to struggle with the most was when we were together, I often thought about other girls and lost interest in sleeping with her etc. As I said in my initial post, I stopped making effort for the last 2/3 months and became argumentative - surely I was that way for a reason? Ever since she ended it, I'm trying to rack my brain to understand why I felt that way then but it's still foggy. Why would I go the complete opposite way once she ended it? Is it my ego talking, the feeling of rejection? How can I try and remember my mindset prior to the breakup, when I felt irritated by her a lot?

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I think one of the things I seem to struggle with the most was when we were together, I often thought about other girls and lost interest in sleeping with her etc. As I said in my initial post, I stopped making effort for the last 2/3 months and became argumentative - surely I was that way for a reason? Ever since she ended it, I'm trying to rack my brain to understand why I felt that way then but it's still foggy. Why would I go the complete opposite way once she ended it? Is it my ego talking, the feeling of rejection? How can I try and remember my mindset prior to the breakup, when I felt irritated by her a lot?
it could be ego... our egos are pesky little buggers that mess with our happiness.

 

I am all for self introspection, almost to a fault. Where I always think its me, not them... but that's another thread[emoji4]

 

And I have seen this dynamic in others. wanting to break up, until their partner does. Its gotta be very human.

 

One thing, I mentioned before about mediation and controlling your thoughts, goes hand in hand with also flipping the script. And telling yourself you don't care for her anymore, you're glad its over because you were annoyed with her.

 

It sounds ridiculous. I know but it beats beating yourself up over something you know is over, that you will recover from and frankly, your ego is being a baby [emoji5] no one is so great, you can't do better... And that's what you have to remember.

 

Our brains believe what we tell them.

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it could be ego... our egos are pesky little buggers that mess with our happiness.

 

I am all for self introspection, almost to a fault. Where I always think its me, not them... but that's another thread[emoji4]

 

And I have seen this dynamic in others. wanting to break up, until their partner does. Its gotta be very human.

 

One thing, I mentioned before about mediation and controlling your thoughts, goes hand in hand with also flipping the script. And telling yourself you don't care for her anymore, you're glad its over because you were annoyed with her.

 

It sounds ridiculous. I know but it beats beating yourself up over something you know is over, that you will recover from and frankly, your ego is being a baby [emoji5] no one is so great, you can't do better... And that's what you have to remember.

 

Our brains believe what we tell them.

 

Yes I think you're very right. I will try to remind myself 'not to care', it just isn't easy. Despite her warning me about a month or two prior to the breakup that she was struggling to deal with my low mood etc and wasn't sure how long she could take it, I still didn't change. I obviously felt that way for a reason at the time but even 6 months later I still can't figure out why. It's frustrating.

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Maybe it was time for it to fall apart, so you passively let that happen? Sometimes known as 'the fade' or the 'invitation to leave' approach. Just neglecting it, like letting a plant die by not watering it, but not actively killing it.

lost interest in sleeping with her etc. As I said in my initial post, I stopped making effort for the last 2/3 months and became argumentative
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Maybe it was time for it to fall apart, so you passively let that happen? Sometimes known as 'the fade' or the 'invitation to leave' approach. Just neglecting it, like letting a plant die by not watering it, but not actively killing it.

 

That makes sense, subconsciously letting it happen. But why have I felt so terrible these last 6 months if some part of me wanted out anyway?

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Sorry for your hurt, friend.

 

I've found myself in similar shoes, as have many. You're in good company right now, in other words, and maybe try to greet all these feelings from time to time by remembering that. This ride you're on? It's a very human one, turbulent as it is at the moment.

 

Call it ego, call it what you will, but I think it's pretty natural for us to suddenly want what we can't have. My last long relationship? I'd have to spin quite a self-serving story to describe myself as "all in" throughout most of it. When she started pulling away? Boom: I became about the most attentive and caring—read: panicked—man on the planet. And not getting that rewarded, as I'd have liked, at least in the moment? It added another layer to the hurt—the very real and human layer I believe the DSM calls "butt hurt." Is what it is, and it's very real pain.

 

Speaking for myself, in hopes you find something that resonates, I eventually found some comfort, or maybe just clarity, in flipping back to my head- and heartspace before the bombs started going off and accepting that that was the truth, the truth of my feelings, for her and inside the relationship. And the hard truth about that truth? Well, perhaps like you, it wasn't what I wanted to feel inside a relationship, let alone who I wanted to be for another person, and as such it kind of affirmed that letting go and forgiving myself was the only path to find my way toward something, and someone, in which I could offer more and feel more.

 

It's a journey, all that, one that right now may feel a bit like a car crash, or maybe just a car stalled out at the base of a very steep hill. That's okay. Six months is still pretty fresh, this covid biz we're reckoning with is a lot, and I'm not sure if there's a human being walking earth who doesn't get a little thrown when they jog past someone they were once with sharing space with someone new.

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Yes I think you're very right. I will try to remind myself 'not to care', it just isn't easy. Despite her warning me about a month or two prior to the breakup that she was struggling to deal with my low mood etc and wasn't sure how long she could take it, I still didn't change. I obviously felt that way for a reason at the time but even 6 months later I still can't figure out why. It's frustrating.
Maybe try to stop trying to figure it out. I went through that in the past. the why's of it all.

 

I have discovered we don't always see why, until much later in life and then its so clear "I needed to go through that to get to here".

 

Try looking forward, that's where the good stuff is, not behind you. Trust your journey.

 

ps... i know its not easy. worthwhile things rarely are. [emoji173] keep trying!

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Maybe try to stop trying to figure it out. I went through that in the past. the why's of it all.

 

I have discovered we don't always see why, until much later in life and then its so clear "I needed to go through that to get to here".

 

Try looking forward, that's where the good stuff is, not behind you. Trust your journey.

 

ps... i know its not easy. worthwhile things rarely are. [emoji173] keep trying!

 

Yes you're right, COVID-19 has given me too much time to think!

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Sorry for your hurt, friend.

 

I've found myself in similar shoes, as have many. You're in good company right now, in other words, and maybe try to greet all these feelings from time to time by remembering that. This ride you're on? It's a very human one, turbulent as it is at the moment.

 

Call it ego, call it what you will, but I think it's pretty natural for us to suddenly want what we can't have. My last long relationship? I'd have to spin quite a self-serving story to describe myself as "all in" throughout most of it. When she started pulling away? Boom: I became about the most attentive and caring—read: panicked—man on the planet. And not getting that rewarded, as I'd have liked, at least in the moment? It added another layer to the hurt—the very real and human layer I believe the DSM calls "butt hurt." Is what it is, and it's very real pain.

 

Speaking for myself, in hopes you find something that resonates, I eventually found some comfort, or maybe just clarity, in flipping back to my head- and heartspace before the bombs started going off and accepting that that was the truth, the truth of my feelings, for her and inside the relationship. And the hard truth about that truth? Well, perhaps like you, it wasn't what I wanted to feel inside a relationship, let alone who I wanted to be for another person, and as such it kind of affirmed that letting go and forgiving myself was the only path to find my way toward something, and someone, in which I could offer more and feel more.

 

It's a journey, all that, one that right now may feel a bit like a car crash, or maybe just a car stalled out at the base of a very steep hill. That's okay. Six months is still pretty fresh, this covid biz we're reckoning with is a lot, and I'm not sure if there's a human being walking earth who doesn't get a little thrown when they jog past someone they were once with sharing space with someone new.

 

You're right, I can rack my brain as much as I'd like but truth be told, I felt that way for a reason even if it isn't clear now. Thank you for your comment.

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Yes you're right, COVID-19 has given me too much time to think!
you're not alone in that either!

 

Take comfort, no one is living their best life right now... However, we must endure for better times.

 

do puzzles with good music in the background, start planning a summer garden, even if its just a window box, order some legos, be creative. wjat did you like to do as a kid?

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I have the same thoughts of my ex with someone else. My mind obsesses and before I know it I have made some fantasy up in my head and I’m panicking

 

I try to keep busy on things to take my mind off of it but that’s also hard. I find myself wanting to think about it.

 

Try listening to break up recovery podcasts there’s some decent ones out there and on YouTube

 

Journaling is also good, write how you feel etc just let it out.

 

Do workouts at home, since covid I swear I have never been as busy as I am now, I do a workout in the morning or a run, and a hour walk in the evening, catch up with people I havnt spoke to for a while, and I’m on the dating ups just to keep busy and talk to new people

 

My thoughts as slowly starting to fade but I also worry I won’t find someone who hooks me. It took me 10 odd years to find my now ex but what can you do about it! Just have to keep going

 

Good luck

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you need to be patient with yourself accept that whatever you are going through is normal so dont beat yourself over it, feel the pain and start doing small workouts each day, introduce yoga early morning, journalling , doing small bit of self care like just cleaning of house, working up on a routine each day will definitely help.

Ultimately one day you will have control over your thoughts but it takes baby steps each day, its gradual process but only you can help yourself here.

Have you thought about rearranging your house furnitures see if you can work on a different look for your place, may be buy that new curtains bed sheets anything, give it a fresh look sometimes seeing the same stuff each day just adds to your mental state too.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Afternoon Buddy,

 

I know your pain as im going through something similar to the point it feels like I wrote this myself! I haven't bumped into my ex since we split, however like yourself went for a run to make myself feel better, ended up running past her flat (we live on the same street) to see her ex was over for the night. Went for a run the following night to see another bloke over! It never gets easy when you have your ex on a pedestal - I am yet to find a way to feel better aside from watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall once a day! haha

 

If you fancy a chat/Vent, unsure if this forum supports private messaging but if it does send me a message. If it helps we can zoom call and rant/rave/unload about ex's to each other and hopefully will cure at least the loneliness bit if nothing else!

 

Chin up

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  • 2 weeks later...

Reality check..

Do you really believe that at 28yrs old that you will never ever ever find someone else? Unless you go to Peru and dig a hole in the forest and decide to live like a hermit down there, odds are you will find someone.

Truth is that you attracted someone before, so what makes you think you wont attract someone else within the next 70 years? Im going to tell you a secret okay so don't tell anyone. This whole "The ONE" is a bunch of dung. To think that there is ONE special person for you out of 4,000,000,000 is crazy. You will find that there are many people that you will mesh with and a very high level.

 

The only way you wont meet someone is because you don't want to meet someone. That's a fact. Life and love will find a way.

 

And to answer most if not all of your questions.. I can answer them with one word.

 

Fear.

 

You are allowing the fear of the unknown control you. Just remember, You cant discover new lands if you are afraid to lose sight of the shore.

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