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So I went to do it, and nobody knows

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So, I had a zoom conference with some old friends. I have moved out of the country and only get to see them every so often.


I was a bit apprehensive about going onto the call, I don't know why, I almost ducked out of it.. But I went on anyway...


It was fun, lots of laughs, had a few beers along the way... my gf was on the call with me also... she is friends with some of them also, so I was out getting a drink and interrupted her to ask her something, she said "hang on I'm chatting with my friends".. something inside me flicked and I was fuming ..


after that I was micro analysing everything for the rest of the call, had an argument with her after, and she went to bed...


I had this overwhelming feeling of lonliness, betrayal she was taking my friends, uselessness, nobody liking me and just a lot of disgust at myself for feeling like this....


I have thought about suicide for a number of years, almost flirting with the idea I guess... but this night I actually went to do it. I have never before, no matter how bad I was feeling.


I took a TRX strap, hung it off the door, wrapped it round my neck and let my legs go limp... I was hanging there for about 40-60 seconds... the pressure building in my head was more uncomfortable than the need for a breath.... I could feel myself getting dozy, then something flicked in me again, "if you don't stand up this is it.." I thought.... so I did... took everything down and started crying... I woke my gf back up, but she thought I was going to have another go at her, so didn't want to hear anything from me...


It's been 2 days since that now... I feel terrible for the fight, I feel terrible on a whole... but most of all, I've frightened myself that I was actually almost going to do it..... I don't want to die, but I'm afraid I've actually passed the point of toying with the idea to actually doing it, I'm afraid that I coud get to that point again....


The problem is me, I lack self confidence, I lack friends where we live, I lack validation, but for what I don't know...


I have a good job, but was not enjoying it so much before all this lockdown happened, but it's paying the bills, I'm still learning and still saving for a house.

My gf is great, although I have always had an issue with how gregarious she is, I sometimes feel less around her with friends... I know all that is 100% me.... but that usually turns into me giving out to her about something in social situations...

I am keeping fit, I am working towards a degree part time and have a kid who I've been able to spend loads of time with thanks to lockdown... yet I still feel so empty at times....


I had anger issues when we first moved to where we are now, I went to get help and the health services initially diagnosed anxiety... they messed up my records though, sent my appointments to a different address, things got disjointed so I never went back... I felt a lot better then so I thought I could deal with whatever was up, but it seems to comes in waves every few months, maybe over the weekend I was feeling down but didn't recognise it....


Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far... I don't know who to speak to or even how to approach the issue, I feel so embarrassed by it all now...

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I'm with Seraphim. Yeah what she said was a little careless with her words but the downslide of negative self thought it triggered is the biggest worry.


Do you have a mental health care professional on your team? If not can you make moves towards finding one? And if that is not an option at the moment at the very least get woebot to be your friend on facebook. If you tell woebot you're feeling bad it can walk you through the thoughts and help you find cognitive distortions. In my experience the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves are very powerful things and it sounds like you are telling yourself things that make you very sad indeed (been there, done that, have the tshirt).


Also, think about the fire that is you, does it burn bright? Is it down to mere embers? What can you do to fan the flames and feed the fire and stoke it up to be something that keeps you warm? (For me this was dreaming what my best life could look like, work, hobbies, how I keep the house, undertaking a mission to meet new people and hopefully find a friend or two along the way). Start doing the things that can feed that fire.

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I had a couple of what I call “cry for help” suicide attempts where I didn’t really want to die, but I didn’t know how else to communicate how horrible I felt. I would do things like swallow a bottle of pills, but then call somebody and tell them I did it (so of course they called medical providers and I was hospitalized,) or cut my wrists but missed the vein and then everyone saw the gouges...


I had one genuine attempt that failed (carbon monoxide poisoning.)


This is not something I tend to share freely but I’m sharing it with you because I’m here to say that was over 20 years ago for me now and I live a happy, fulfilling and free life. It did take some work and being willing to accept help.


My suggestion for you is to just start with some counseling. Make the decision to just talk to somebody with 100% honesty and openness. After all, you’ve got nothing to lose. Google “affordable therapist” and make three calls from the best list you click on. That’s a practical step you can take.


It isn’t your fault for feeling so very bad. But you are the only one with the power to ask for professional help. Life can be REALLY good, my friend. All the best

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Dude! You have so MUCH good going for you. Get on top of this and find out what it is you need and you want . Take a look at Attachment theory and read a book called Attached, and also look at a book called No More mr. Nice guy. I think you'll get big stuff out of each of those.


Ask yourself......really ask yourself....what do I want?


You cannot absolutely cannot lean on her or have expectations. Take.somemtime and think about if she complements your life.


You mentioned a kid. DO ALL THESE THINGS for him or her, but more importantly do it for yourself.


Some time alone....a getaway.... Would be really good. Ask yourself what you want and then implement those things.


It's so good you got on here. Ask for help. Reach out. You are not alone . And don't trust those 'feelings'. Your logical mind is in charge.

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