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Hi All..

In early January, my girlfriend broke up with me. We'd been together for 18 months or so. For the first 15 months we lived in separate houses. She then sold her house, and had to wait for three months before she could move into her new place. In that three months, she and two of her sons moved in with me and my kids. This is where things started to go pear shaped. Up until she moved in, things were damn near perfect between us, however, my kids didn't make her feel welcome in my house. This situation was exacerbated by my working hours - I don't usually get home until around 10pm or so. Looking back, I could have done more on weekends to bring everybody closer together, but I didn't see that at the time. Furthermore, she felt I was taking her for granted, which, again, I didn't see.

Two days before she moved into her place, she told me we were done. Two weeks later, she asked me around to her place, and we decided to try a "friends with benefits" thing. This kind of worked for a little while, but eventually she told me I loved her too much, and it wasn't working. She has since told me there was no chance for us.

 

We have remained friends since...in fact, we'd been friends for about 8 years before we became a couple. There was a period where I didn't know if that was going to happen - she'd stopped talking to me, and I even blocked her on social media because it hurt me too much to see her commenting on mutual friends' posts and seeing her profile photo. However, she occasionally texts me out of the blue to talk about nothing in particular. She's also had me around to her place to help her install a remote garage door opener....which we still have to finish.

 

She has also been fantastic to me over the last couple of days since I lost my dad a few days ago.

 

I personally feel we made a great couple, and I know she did too. It was only the last three months of the relationship that things fell apart.

 

At this time, I'm not interested in getting into another relationship. I want her back. I know she's been seeing other men, but that doesn't bother me at all. I feel there is a chance for us, maybe not right now, but in the future.

I have been trying to treat her with the same respect that I always have, and, apart from a period where I was very emotional (just after she told me there was no chance), I feel that I have.

 

I know I am still very much in love with her, and I suspect that deep down she still loves me, but she was hurt pretty badly in the three months she lived with me. I'm not sure if I should overtly try to make it up to her, or be discreet about it.

 

I do know this, though. I will NEVER take her for granted again.

 

Can anyone offer some advice?

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Hard to know what to do here really. Perhaps you were better as friends and in time it maybe that she comes around to the realisation she'd like to be with you again. However the fact she's already seeing other guys would suggest to me she doesn't have the same depth of feelings for you as you have for her. I broke up with an ex 5 years ago. I didn't want to be anywhere near another woman yet she was shagging someone else within 2 weeks....does make you wonder. One thing I would suggest is to write her a letter, there is something tangible about the written word that's very powerful, personal and conveying. Spoken words get washed away in arguing and opposing points of view. The difference in a letter is one can't instantly shout back and inevitably will revisit it and read it again. Worth a try as currently you've got nothing to lose. Good luck dude.

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I have already written her a letter, and when she told me the reasons why (which was a bit later) I sent her an email.

The thing is, she came to my place late on Easter Sunday, and told me she still had feelings for me. Admittedly she was drunk at the time, but if I know one thing, that's when she's the most honest.

I also know that when she first broke it off, she intended to come back after a while, and there were things that she said while we were FWB that reinforced this.

She knows how I feel about her - I've never tried to hide it - yet she doesn't step completely away. I sometimes think she doesn't know what she wants from me.

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I'm sorry about you dad, OP. That must be tough.

 

I think your best bet here is stop being so available to her. She knows how you feel, and while I don't think she has malicious intentions, she is taking advantage of your kindness and filling in the emotional gaps while she looks for someone else. She hasn't had any chance to miss you. If she's going to come back around, it's unlikely to happen while you're hanging around so much.

 

Being more absent might not have any effect, to be clear, but you would be wise to put some space here, for your own good. It's going to hurt like hell if she is the one who starts to fade because she's met someone else. Given that the relationship is already over all you can do is work on accepting that and if she comes back, great. If not, you will already be in a better head-space because you would already be more detached.

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She told you that you loved her “too much” !?!

That was her basically saying she doesn’t feel the same way.

 

Sorry OP!

 

The relationship is over and so is the friendship.

 

Look after yourself. She is not coming back. Don’t let her use you for garage remote or anything else.

She has others to do that and it’s probably sorted by now anyway.

 

I think she blamed you for things that were not necessarily your fault. For all we know she might have wanted out before using your place to stay?

 

All we know is that she does not want to pursue a relationship you and you have to accept that?

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I know it's really hard to control our feelings, but I think if a relationship was to work, there need to be realistic plans about the future. When it was just the two of you dating, things seemed fine. But living together and with the children, obviously your ex didn't like it and she wanted to end the relationship. The fact of the matter is that you both do have children. You can't just get rid of them obviously lol

 

She got a glimpse of what your family life is like at home with the kids and obviously she didn't see herself as part of that family. That's just how she felt and she made that decision. Unless she's willing to keep working at it and work around blending your two families, there is nothing you can do.

 

Besides she might not actually love you the way you love her. If she does, why is she dating other guys? When you were FWB she said " you loved her too much". If she actually felt the same, why is that a problem to her?

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I'm sorry about your dad.

 

You love her and it really hurts to not be loved back. the relationship is just too lopsided now. Your accepting anything from her to keep her close and that is a mistake.

 

A more respectable and attractive approach is one where you demonstrate strength, confidence and self respect.

 

Avoid her for awhile. Don't answer right away and do not finish the garage door. She broke up with you. she said you loved her too much. well this is what that leads to... you dont need added BS in your life while you mourn your dad.

 

see how she likes those apples. I would not be mean, but I would not give someone the benefits of me, if they said I loved then too much. What the actual heck is that... Let her feel what its like to not have you around to help, care, and essentially prop her up for other guys.

 

Honestly, OP, you desrve so much more than this. At this age, stage and with children. she is showing you something about herself. Using you like this and jerking you around... its selfish and two faced. Something much younger, immature people tend to do.

 

You may have taken her for granted and maybe you could have talked to your kids about being more welcoming, but children are children. She is the adult. She saw an exit and she took it.

 

Everything after the break up, is her taking care of herself first and not trying to heal the relationship. A choice.

 

She may be a good friend and support, as your Dad passed away, but that just shows she's not a complete ass.

 

Give yourself some time and space away from her. Let the fog clear. Holding on too tight, is not the solution. Letting go and letting things play out, is... Remember who you are and what you deserve.

 

listen to the song by james bay, let it go. I find it very soothing and it reminds me, we don't have to hold on. we can let go. it will be what its going to be and that is ok. whatever it is.

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Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately the 3 mos transitional living together uncovered all the problems that you would have faced trying to blend families. Be glad she moved out and it's over. Your kids would benefit from therapy and some support from you regarding your divorce, their mother and dating again.

 

The need help adjusting and coping with adult issues. They also need to understand that you and their mother are going to date again and they need to respect that. Make an appt with a family therapist. Leave this woman alone for now and let the dust settle.

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Wow so sorry for your loss, must be difficult dealing with both losses...and I get it, you want to make things right. But I think it would be best to give some space between you for now, then regroup later, maybe in the fall when the kids are hopefully back to school and things are back to normal...there's too many bad emotions going on that she struggles with. She needs to sort that out first.

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Up until she moved in, things were damn near perfect between us, however, my kids didn't make her feel welcome in my house. This situation was exacerbated by my working hours - I don't usually get home until around 10pm or so. Looking back, I could have done more on weekends to bring everybody closer together, but I didn't see that at the time. Furthermore, she felt I was taking her for granted, which, again, I didn't see.

 

I think that leaving your girlfriend alone with your kids for hours on end was a lot to ask of her. Especially if your kids aren't ready for a stepmom, and/or behave without manners or respect.

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Hang in there and continue to give her space. Have you had the "dad is dating and we need to respect people" talk with the kids? Kids need a lot of support not only when divorce happens but when parents date again. Keep in mind every milestone is threatening to them, such as marriage, moving in, level of seriousness, blending families, etc. . So many adjustments for them and they need you right now.

Well last night we had a good talk. While we're not back together, things are looking a lot more positive.
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A bit more of a timeline for the last week...

 

It was her birthday on Thursday. I'd bought her a stuffed elephant (she loves elephants) and took it around to her place that morning. We then went to her ex-husband's place to visit her two younger boys, as they're living with him while the Corona virus restrictions are in place. She works in a supermarket, and is exposed to all kinds of people, and doesn't want to take the chance of infecting her boys.

Her boys didn't wish her a happy birthday that I saw, although she said later they did....very late into the visit.

On Sunday, it was Mother's Day. Again, her two younger boys didn't call to wish her a happy Mother's Day until they were berated by her oldest son.

On top of that, her ex-husband had cut off child support, and she had also lost some financial aid from the government....somewhere in the region of $1600/month. Fair enough by the ex-husband? Maybe, maybe not. While her boys are living with ex-hubby, she's been taking meals around to them 3-4 times a week, and had been returning half the child support he'd been paying. When she brought this up with him, he told her to call Lifeline (a suicide prevention line). So she was very upset.

 

Out of the blue on Sunday, she texted me. I could tell she'd been drinking, and I was worried about her, due to the nature of her texts. Basically she said she was a f#$k up. I went around because I felt she needed somebody there to take the edge off. Not my place to do so? Probably not, but I can't help myself, and I don't think she can either.

 

We had a couple of drinks, and once again, she said she was a f#$k up and a loser. I told her that was not the case, that she was a wonderful, caring woman and a great mother, and that if she wanted to look at a loser, then look at me. I was in the *best* relationship I'd ever had, and I couldn't keep it together. That's when things got interesting.

 

She asked if I blamed myself for the breakup, to which I said yes. I also told her I'd heard four different reasons as to why we broke up. She then told me that it was nothing to do with me, it was her feeling so bad about how my kids had been while she was living with us that she couldn't see any other option. My kids are a 21yo son, and 17 and 13yo daughters. I can't see my son making her unwelcome - he's too much like me, but my daughters - in particular my 17yo - know everything, and won't be told.

 

I ended up staying the night at her place. Maybe that was a mistake....I don't know. But I do know I need to have another talk with her...

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She sounds like an unfit mother. She drinks, she is unstable and suicidal. She needs rehab, doctors and social services. She also needs to get her act together for her own kids.

 

The father has every right to reduce child support if they are staying with him as a primary custodial parent. It sounds like he's done with her nonsense and protecting his kids from her. You need to do the same.

 

Keep her far far away from your kids. It sounds like she drinks to cope and threatens suicide when she wants something and basically like her ex knows how manipulative she is. Add to this she blames your kids for her mental issues. Stay far away from her.

We then went to her ex-husband's place to visit her two younger boys, as they're living with him while the Corona virus restrictions are in place.

 

he told her to call Lifeline (a suicide prevention line).

 

I could tell she'd been drinking, Basically she said she was a f#$k up. it was her feeling so bad about how my kids had been while she was living with us

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