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Is it appropriate to pursue this?


bobbyfletche

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I had a very troubled longtime friend, someone who wronged me more ways than one could imagine. He was very selfish, and never kept his word. I lent him money more times than you can imagine, and he never once paid me back. He totally took advantage of me, and, really didn't seem to respect me all that much. However, we were still "close" for 25 years. In fact, he considered me his best friend. In all honesty, I didn't really consider him mine, as I had a lot better friends who treated me with respect, and always kept their word. Despite this, I couldn't really turn my back on him. I was really the only friend he had left, and, he became increasingly troubled, addicted, and suicidal. His late night calls on a work night where he was alone and wanted to end his life became increasingly exhausting. I begged him to get professional help as I was not equipped to help. He really just wanted to die.

He met a girl who was also somewhat troubled, and they even got engaged. I knew it was unlikely these two people would end up marrying, but he asked me to be his best man. A couple times, he brought her over to my place, and we'd all go out for dinner and drinks, and I'd always pick up the tab. I could tell it was the nicest thing anyone had done for them in a long time, and they clearly needed a good meal and some positive energy. I didn't know his girl all that well, but she seemed like a genuinely nice person, just troubled.

 

Apparently, she decided she'd had enough with his behavior, and, he was apparently also looking at definite jail time as his past started to catch up to him. She ended up leaving him for someone else. These things were apparently the last straw, and he took his own life. She tried to contact me to let me know about his passing, but only found my land line in the phone book, something I rarely check. By this time, I had already heard the news thru the grapevine, and reached out to her to offer my sincerest condolences as she was the one who found him hanging there. We ended up texting randomly over the next several months, as we were the only people in the world close to him. Truthfully, I actually enjoyed our talks and I found it cathartic. She wanted to meetup and talk about stuff, but I always made excuses because it felt weird to me. In truth, we really don't know each other that well.

 

A couple years passed, and, we've had random contact, maybe once every few months via text. A few weeks ago, however, she reached out to me to see if I wanted to meetup and chill. I made up some excuse because I wasn't really up for it. I guess she just needed a friend or someone in her life to listen. I ended up responding a bit later via text, and we talked quite a bit. She told me how she felt a connection to me during one of our dinners in the past, a time when I openly expressed to them while I am very successful on paper, I live alone and don't have a lot of friends. I guess this resonated with her, me showing my sensitive side. I will admit during this conversation I had a few beers, so I was probably more open than I normally am. She expressed how she found me to be a great guy, funny, sexy, etc.

 

In a moment of weakness, I admitted I also found her attractive which is true. I certainly wouldn't have acted on it or anything back then, but I was caught in the moment. We discussed our lives, our childhood traumas, and realized we had a lot more in common than I initially thought. I proposed we meetup and work through these things together, and, during the heat of the conversation, we both admitted to wanting each other sexually. She seemed incredibly interested and seemed extremely happy the feeling was mutual. She really likes me.

 

The next morning, however, I realized I had got caught up in the moment, and, had offered myself in a way that would violate the bro code. You know, the unspoken code between guys that you don't hook up with a friend's former girlfriend, no matter how ty a friend he might've been. I told her we could be friends, but it wasn't cool to my (late) friend if I were to act on this. She was very hurt by this and asked if everything I said was bull. I said no, I just said it was something I couldn't act on because it would definitely lead to some problems in my life, and it had nothing to do with her or her desirability. She offered she did really like me, thought of me when they were together, and, that if she had to be with one of his friends, he would've wanted it to be with me. I started to respond less and less, and ended up ghosting for a bit.

 

Over the last week or so, she'd started sending me extremely sexy photos of her. With captions like "here is a preview of things to come..." I will admit, she is extremely hot, and she is starting to blow my mind. I really feel like I can't act on this, but I also know she's hurt because I said a whole bunch of , admitting my attraction and then sheepishly having to backtrack. I feel awful about all this, but I really do find myself thinking about her a lot. Ugggh. Sorry, I had to vent, but I feel like the worst friend in the world. Thank you for reading this :(

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You told her you didn't feel comfortable because she was your friend's girl/former fiance and she violated your boundaries by sending sexy photos. If you were a woman and she were a guy, people might call it sexual harrassment. To me, this is sexual harassment if you were clear you were not interested. I would reiterate to her "Please do not send me photos. I did not ask for them and i cannot date you (or am not interested)." Be direct. Yes, she is probably h

urting and trying to hang on to people connected to her late fiance. If she continues, block her

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I'm sorry for your loss.

 

You did NOT violate the bro code because when you slept with her, your LATE friend had since passed away. Know the difference. There is nothing to feel guilty nor ashamed of.

 

You'd better distance yourself from this woman. She's kooky, extremely unstable, tricky and very worldly. Stop being in hero mode for waifs in your life.

 

Even though my story is not the same as yours, I was similar to you years ago where I felt that I needed to be needed to rescue people.

 

The problem with being with people whose lives read like a Greek tragedy is that they drag you down to the point where their problems become your problems, angst and stress. Before you know it, they'll impact your wallet, start using you, take advantage of your naivete, kindness and generosity. They can spot a sucker from a mile away. You will become a victim of a sociopath. :upset: Google "sociopath."

 

She will eventually ask for money and just like your late friend, the money will never be paid back to you. You will be a free bank and free lending institution.

 

You need to be more secure and start attracting the right, moral crowd. "Birds of a feather flock together." Stop being with the wrong people who will lead you to ruin.

 

Desperate people use others. Remember that. Don't be so naive.

 

As for the woman, break it off with her, tell her that it's time to go your separate ways, wish her all the best and then ignore, ghost, block and delete permanently. Learn how to protect yourself and avoid "red flag" people like the plague.

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I never actually slept with her. We just exchanged a lot of racy texts and we were seriously talking about hooking up, where it was almost certainly a done deal.

 

We never actually crossed the line, as once I was sober, I immediately started backtracking and told her we couldn't do this as it was wrong.

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Thank you for kind words. I didn't actually sleep with her, I just exchanged a lot of racy and sexual texts with her over the period of a couple days. So, I didn't technically cross the line yet, but, at the same time I feel guilty for even thinking about it. I guess her and I really did have an attraction, but still, it's a late friend's former girl. I have been beating myself up over it, but her photos really have been wearing down my defenses.

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Thank you for kind words. I didn't actually sleep with her, I just exchanged a lot of racy and sexual texts with her over the period of a couple days. So, I didn't technically cross the line yet, but, at the same time I feel guilty for even thinking about it. I guess her and I really did have an attraction, but still, it's a late friend's former girl. I have been beating myself up over it, but her photos really have been wearing down my defenses.

 

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Your late friend died.

 

You need to get rid of her from your life. Be with NORMAL, stable, secure people from now on!

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I could be wrong, but I feel she has an underlying agenda, especially with her choice to send you sexy photos as a way to sink her claws into you.

 

Although you did nothing wrong by showing interest, yet if you're having doubts, I'd listen to that voice.

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I would say both. I am kind of troubled, too.

 

Well, attaching yourself to other "troubled" people isn't going to make you less "troubled".

 

Yeah, you might think "well, we would UNDERSTAND each other". But how is that going to help your situation?

 

If you want to be less "troubled", it would be better to find healthier ways to alleviate your troubles.

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Thank you! I felt I had already crossed the line of the 'bro code' by even admitting to my attraction and encouraging her. And, when I pushed back and said I can't do this, she responded with sexy pics. I felt awful, because even though he's gone, many friends would be like 'no bro, find your own girl!"

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I think you don't need to worry regarding your deceased friend. He actually chose to end his own life because he didn't want to be here anymore and it was his wish to be gone from this world. And so he is gone. She also ended up leaving him a long time ago too. So their relationship was over long ago, even before your friend's suicide. I don't think there is a "bro code" if the person is dead. It's not like he would know or care if you hooked up with her.

 

The thing I see as more a problem here is that fundamentally you don't actually seem that into her. Like, you're not into her for dating. Seems like you are attracted to her physically and sexually, which is a separate thing to actually truly liking someone and having feelings. I would say if she actually really likes you, to her it wouldn't be just a hookup. To her it would actually mean something. And if she's troubled or unstable, then it may be best not to mess with her emotions. She may end up getting hurt. You sound like a really nice guy and sounds like deep down you're worried about this too. Sounds like you don't want to use her.

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What stuck out to me was your attraction to highly dysfunctional people. Your need to "help" others is a result of your co dependence. You get something out of feeling that you are doing something for others, when you should be staying away.. Giving a drug addict money is enabling, not helping.

 

You said this woman has issues, yet you have been engaging and feel an attraction. She was involved with a addicted criminal for some time, this should be a huge turnoff, yet you have entertained something with her.

 

I strongly recommend that you look into your co dependency with a therapist, as something is attracting you to toxic people.

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All the troubles aside, I don't think getting together with a friend's ex is necessarily bad. It depends. How much time has passed, the true motivation behind the relationship, etc.

 

With that said, I think where you are right to stay away from this girl is two fold.

1. This goes against your own playbook of life. It is not something you feel good about doing and I believe we should all honor our own compass, regardless of what others think.

 

2. Her troubled past sounds like troubled present. If someone says no, it's no. They should respect that. Her failure to respect you now, shows she will not respect you in the future.

 

I would ask her to stop contacting you. If she doesn't stop, block her.

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I think you don't need to worry regarding your deceased friend. He actually chose to end his own life because he didn't want to be here anymore and it was his wish to be gone from this world. And so he is gone. She also ended up leaving him a long time ago too. So their relationship was over long ago, even before your friend's suicide. I don't think there is a "bro code" if the person is dead. It's not like he would know or care if you hooked up with her.

 

The thing I see as more a problem here is that fundamentally you don't actually seem that into her. Like, you're not into her for dating. Seems like you are attracted to her physically and sexually, which is a separate thing to actually truly liking someone and having feelings. I would say if she actually really likes you, to her it wouldn't be just a hookup. To her it would actually mean something. And if she's troubled or unstable, then it may be best not to mess with her emotions. She may end up getting hurt. You sound like a really nice guy and sounds like deep down you're worried about this too. Sounds like you don't want to use her.

 

She does really like me and has told me as much. I had actually asked her point blank if she wanted me as a friend, lover, man in her life and said "all of the above." I am definitely attracted to her, and I will admit her photos wore down my defenses, as my original plan was to just ghost after backtracking.

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What stuck out to me was your attraction to highly dysfunctional people. Your need to "help" others is a result of your co dependence. You get something out of feeling that you are doing something for others, when you should be staying away.. Giving a drug addict money is enabling, not helping.

 

You said this woman has issues, yet you have been engaging and feel an attraction. She was involved with a addicted criminal for some time, this should be a huge turnoff, yet you have entertained something with her.

 

I strongly recommend that you look into your co dependency with a therapist, as something is attracting you to toxic people.

 

Her and I actually have some shared (negative) experiences, the death of this guy and some other stuff, things most people don't understand. I guess it lead us to open up to each other, and, maybe overshare a bit. Her photos and this conversation drew me in, but I feel very torn.

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She does really like me and has told me as much. I had actually asked her point blank if she wanted me as a friend, lover, man in her life and said "all of the above." I am definitely attracted to her, and I will admit her photos wore down my defenses, as my original plan was to just ghost after backtracking.

 

I would stick to your original guns. its ok to think she is hot, but you don't want to date her and she does not accept that your no means no -- get far away, get some clarity and do some work on yourself so you are not accepting more trainwrecks into your life

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