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Not sure where to go from here....


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I have been posting on this site for some time off and on and have gotten excellent advice. :) I think I'm at a turning point but I'm having trouble figuring out what to do. I know that most people will tell me that the answer is easy, but from posting on this site I have figured out that I am definitely trauma bound with my husband. We have been married for fifteen years and have two kids. He has been emotionally and verbally abusive to me and the kids in the past. I almost left him back in January, and had actually met with an attorney. He cried and begged me not to leave and told me that he was sorry. He would see a counselor, and get help. He had me write a list of all the things he had said to me/us so he could give them to his counselor. I began seeing a counselor every week as well to work on my self esteem and boundaries. Since then, things have gotten somewhat better in a way. He no longer does name calling, but his attitudes about certain things remain the same. For instance, our five year old had been playing and took all of our pillow off of our bed. It made him upset, he thought she was doing it to be disrespectful, so he went in her room and knocked her bed completely over. She was crying, and upset and I told him that it was inappropriate completely. I actually almost divorced him again after that happened, but it was right when things were shutting down for Coronavirus and he convinced me that it was not a good time to split up the household. Instead of taking what I was saying about discipline and the kids seriously and trying to see my point of view, he has gone completely opposite, not disciplining or telling them to do anything at all because he thinks I "just want him to be like a stepdad" and not tell them anything because "he's a jerk". So every time they do anything, he'll come get me to do the discipline. His big thing is keeping the house organized because clutter and messes give him anxiety. He came in my office and noticed a small sign here sticker that was on the carpet and started telling me how I don't notice anything on the floor, and I can walk over something three times without noticing it or picking it up. I had enough, because it was within thirty minutes of him arriving home from work, and I had already heard how we don't load the dishwasher right, and I'd better not leave my laundry in the basket on top of the dryer for a week like I normally do (even though I don't). I spoke up and told him to basically knock it off and he went silent on me for three days. When I finally got him to talk after his therapy session, he said he didn't want to communicate with me because I just want to get divorced and I don't understand what he's saying. He said that the messes give him anxiety and I don't have any empathy for him. I'm just not sure we are compatible.....none of us can eat chips around him because the chewing also gives him anxiety. Even if we are chewing with our mouths completely closed, the noise bothers him and he has to say something. I don't feel like any of us are comfortable. If we ever argue out right he always has to say "fine, you win...." like there's a winner and a loser in everything. I am thinking that divorce is probably the best option...it doesn't seem like he gets the seriousness of everything we've been through. Even though he is not saying the words he used to, we still remember being called stupid, and lazy, and retarded; and the attitude is still the same even though he is biting his tongue. Why is this so hard? I almost get to the point where I'm halfway out the door and he brings me back in. Am I crazy? Am I not being empathetic to him and his stressors?

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Sorry to hear this. Why let him terrorize, abuse and damage your children? You realize once your kids are in school or talking to other kids/their parents someone will report you to CPS.

 

It surprising that you are not in therapy and instead expect an abuser to change their ways. You need to get a restraining order for her/yourself, your workplace to get him out of the house away from your innocent children.

 

My advice remains the same as your other thread on his abuse of your kids: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=563293&p=7193143&viewfull=1#post7193143

We have been married for fifteen years and have two kids.

 

our five year old had been playing and took all of our pillow off of our bed. he went in her room and knocked her bed completely over.

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Thank you so much for your response. I am in therapy, every week. He goes to his own therapist once a week as well. I'm not sure what he is telling her, but from what he tells me, she is in agreement that I am acting very "typical" of what she'd expect. :( I don't want to expose my kids to any abuse. I kept thinking that with the words not being said it was better....but the bed being tipped over seemed very bad to me, even though he said it wasn't as big of a deal as I was making it out to be.

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Flipping over a five year old's bed? What the heck, OP. This is not normal by any means.

 

He has serious anger issues, is completely immature in his communication style and he is down right mean. I am sure this is having negative impacts on all of you. The children need counseling as well and you as the adult and parent, need to do more to protect them. Namely, get their father out of the house.

 

I was with an emotionally abusive, angry, immature man. It was hell. The ignoring or the screaming or the mean words. it's hard to know which damaged me the most. I blame low self esteem. Even after I found the courage to end it, it was still a long road. I still made bad choices with men...

 

So I do understand. You're trying to understand in essence we are all flawed in some respect and do horrible things we wish we could take back. But you have children... They need an advocate. They deserve to grow up not walking on egg shells and afraid in their own home.

 

What can you do to start this ball rolling, considering the quarantine? Counseling for the kids and kicking him out?

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Do not ask him what his therapist tells him. You keep inviting abuse and sadly invite it upon your kids. Can your children stay with a responsible adult relative/friend since you won't protect them? Hopefully before CPS takes them away (as they should). You realize you are condoning the abuse. Standing by watching him abuse your kids and having a little chat with him afterward is as abusive as he is. Sorry. You need more help than just complaining about him.

I don't want to expose my kids to any abuse. the bed being tipped over seemed very bad to me, even though he said it wasn't as big of a deal as I was making it out to be.
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For instance, our five year old had been playing and took all of our pillow off of our bed. It made him upset, he thought she was doing it to be disrespectful, so he went in her room and knocked her bed completely over.

 

This is more than inappropriate, OP, this is child abuse. What are you going to do about it? Wait until he kills her?

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I'm not going to stand by and do nothing. I'm not sure I was clear in my post, but she was not in the bed at the time. The act of him doing that to her things was extremely inappropriate. I agree that I need to do what is best for my children, and I will do that 100%.

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I didn't think she was in the bed. The fact that he was so out of control in front of her and the anger was directed at her.... Do you know how terrifying that must have been for her?

 

Stop normalizing this... Your poor kids....

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I'm not going to stand by and do nothing. I'm not sure I was clear in my post, but she was not in the bed at the time. The act of him doing that to her things was extremely inappropriate. I agree that I need to do what is best for my children, and I will do that 100%.

 

It does not matter if the child was in bed or not.

She is FIVE.

Breaking, throwing, etc, something that belongs to a child because they did something that a child would do in play is ABUSE.

That is like breaking every plate at the store because you found a chip in one.

 

In your opinion. what is this "best thing" you are doing for the kids?

 

If you are not at your parents house with them, a hotel, or have not called the domestic violence hotline, you are not doing in your child's best interests. Get a protective order also before he breaks her arm

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I'm not going to stand by and do nothing. I'm not sure I was clear in my post, but she was not in the bed at the time. The act of him doing that to her things was extremely inappropriate. I agree that I need to do what is best for my children, and I will do that 100%.

 

Yeah, I gathered she wasn't because if she was, she'd already be either 6 feet under or in the ER with doctors calling in Family Services and investigating both of you for abuse. What he did wasn't inappropriate, it was ABUSE! Stop trying to white wash and make excuses for this creep you had the piss poor judgment of breeding with. You can't undo the breeding bit, but you have the responsibility to protect your child. Shelters are still open even in quarantine. Get your sh$t together and get out of there. Leave him. Stop lying to yourself about what he is. SO many resources for women in your situation....if only you'd stop the bs....

 

I'm sorry but I need to step away from this thread. It's too infuriating to read a woman excuse a psychotic pos abusing a 5 year old child....inappropriate....effing a.....

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So for most of her small life you have put her in the line of fire of this monster you love so much?

08-22-2016:

 

I have been married for over ten years to a man who I love a lot. He grew up in an abusive household. unhappy with his life and takes it out on all of us.

 

he couldn't stand the two year oldHe said again that he hates having kids, and that she ruins everything. and I love them so much.

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OP, you are going to land yourself in seriously hot water one of these days for not doing enough to remove your kids from this.

 

The choice to get them out could very well be taken away from you if authorities ever have to intervene and take them away from you, too.

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I don't mean to be funny, but your husband sounds like my mom.

 

The extreme reactions, the victim mentality, the silent treatment, the oversimplification of problems to shift blame, the winner/loser mentality, the "I'll show you" mentality," the need for order, and the sliding scale when it comes to expectations.

 

Does he shout apologies at you or seem resentful about giving them? My mom does that.

 

I think she's mentally ill. I suspect she has Borderline Personality Disorder, but we will never know for sure since she will never go to a psychologist for herself.

 

Maybe your husband suffers from the same (or similar) disorder.

 

I'm not sure what your best course of action is, but I did find this video on Borderline Personality Disorder to be very enlightening, and others from the MedCircle site:

 

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He has made little to no progress and isn't bothering to even try. He should have been in intensive therapy along with anger management classes.

 

The small bit he has gotten help with, is a drop in the bucket. Obviously with how he is behaving, he has learnt little to nothing.

 

You need to be asking yourself these questions: Have you exhausted every option in trying to work things out with him?, (ie: marriage counselling, personal therapy for BOTH of you. Once you have both learnt new coping strategies, then working on becoming close again.)

Or are you even willing to do that at this point or have you just come to the end of your rope and want a divorce?

 

Wanting a divorce does not make you a horrible person, nor does it mean you're giving up. It means you had bad treatment for too long and no longer have feelings for him and feel trapped in your marriage.

Again, it's your right to have feelings like this and it's okay.

 

If you want to move forward with a divorce, that's your personal decision to make. It's a big decision, so make sure 100% that you know this is what you want.

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he tells me, she is in agreement that I am acting very "typical" of what she'd expect

 

Using the therapist to "gang" up on you and upsetting your children to this degree.

 

Yes, I agree with the other posters, it's time to call it a day.

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He goes to his own therapist once a week as well. I'm not sure what he is telling her, but from what he tells me, she is in agreement that I am acting very "typical" of what she'd expect.

 

Now there's a classic gas lighting moment ! and honestly, if you don't trust what he's telling his therapist then there is no point in him even going.

 

The only way therapy works is if the client is totally transparent and willing to take responsibility for their part. Not to try and make it the blame game.

 

What's typical is he can act 'as if' for a short period of time, but lasting changes are likely not in store for him.

 

He can give lip service to it and just because he's not calling you names, treating you all the same way is not an improvement.

 

This is a pretty bad time to be going through all of this and being cooped up together just fuels the fire. I'd be concerned for your safety.

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It's not progress when someone goes to therapy for the wrong reasons. They learn catch phrases to tell their partner what they want to hear, just for the purpose of getting what they want. You need to really listen to your gut as to what their intentions are. You'll learn to know the difference when you hear it. Sincere words always has an action to back it up. The rest is just noise.

 

I remember my ex saying things like that to get me to second guess myself. It was a way to deflect responsibility and gas light me at the same time. He would say something so awkwardly scripted, I knew his therapist prompted him to say it.

 

I asked him once if he really stood behind what he was saying (because it didn't seem to come from a sincere place) or if he was just saying it to shut me up. You can guess what his answer was. It was an honest moment he tried to take back. But it just wasn't something he could come back from. The rest seemed pointless. Mind you, this is the man that wanted to save the marriage (but not change the dynamic)

 

I'm sorry, this isn't about my experience but maybe my story might resonate with what you might be going through.

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I don't mean to be funny, but your husband sounds like my mom.

 

The extreme reactions, the victim mentality, the silent treatment, the oversimplification of problems to shift blame, the winner/loser mentality, the "I'll show you" mentality," the need for order, and the sliding scale when it comes to expectations.

 

Does he shout apologies at you or seem resentful about giving them? My mom does that.

 

I think she's mentally ill. I suspect she has Borderline Personality Disorder, but we will never know for sure since she will never go to a psychologist for herself.

 

Maybe your husband suffers from the same (or similar) disorder.

 

I'm not sure what your best course of action is, but I did find this video on Borderline Personality Disorder to be very enlightening, and others from the MedCircle site:

 

 

diagnosis is dangerous to her because she now can justify that "he can't help it" and will stay. I think the circle of abuse would be bettter..

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I love my kids more than anything. Please be kind. :(
Please dont feel like we are trying to put you down, we all want you to realize that the situation you're in right now, is just not healthy, for you nor for your kids. Your high tolerance in putting up with your husband is actually placing your kids in a sad depressed environment. It may be the only environment they know exists around family.

 

Your husband is not changing, he might, one day... But not in the near future. He needs more work and you cant be there forever, he is not your project you need to work on. You need a responsible man, a real man.

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diagnosis is dangerous to her because she now can justify that "he can't help it" and will stay. I think the circle of abuse would be bettter..

 

Nobody is diagnosing anything here.

 

The choice to leave is hers alone.

 

She should have as much information as possible to make that decision.

 

Her situation sounds a lot like mine was, growing up. My mom was my only parent and there was no one else around to stabilize her.

 

If my dad had been there, I think it would have been different. But he was gone and she was a solo raving lunatic with two daughters.

 

I had to get therapy to get through it. I got kicked out of school. It was a whole thing.

 

I still have to deal with it as an adult, but the therapy helped give me coping skills.

 

Another thing that helped in my adult life was the addition of my stepfather. He stabilized my mom and it's made a huge difference in our lives.

 

For that reason I'm not jumping on the "get out" bandwagon.

 

Of course, if she has to leave, she should. But that's her decision and she's looking for resources right now.

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Be kind? You want pity for abusing your kids to stay with a monster who terrorizes them? Love is not enough. Many people who abuse claim they love... like your child abusing husband. And do not make excuses about mental illness or stress or whatever Abuse is a very calculated situation. Just like you abuse your kids standing by your man coddling him.

I love my kids more than anything.
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