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Engaged (semi-long post) please respond !


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Thank you... I do talk to him about things. When he asked did I enjoy my birthday I told him I was really looking forward to us eating somewhere and he said,” yeah babe I know” that was all. I talked to him about the oral thing he said we would hold out until my birthday that came and went and still nothing. Apparently everything I say to him goes in one ear and out of the other.

 

When you talk to him about things, are you really talking to him about your frustrations/being upset? Did you expressly tell him "I'm upset because I feel as though you put very little effort into my birthday and didn't go out of your way to make me feel special"?

 

That's what you need to tell him, what it is that you really feel after he behaves a certain way. Saying that you are looking forward to something does not communicate your feelings.

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If you are ex military, you have access to therapy. Please get some. You need it. You really really need it. Your situation is that bad and the scariest part is that you seem to have normalized it for yourself. Your situation, the way he treats you, the way you accept it is really hard to read....or even believe. It's that bad. Please get help and get out of this.

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So we are both ex military. I spent a year overseas and he supported me the whole time. He sent me a card and some care packages while I was there. I came home and went through a depression episode. It was around then when I moved in with him. I was still in college and I recently just graduated last year. I love that you took this approach with the situation because, I don’t really have anywhere to go if I move out from with him. I am trying to establish myself now since exiting the military and finishing school. I guess it’s more of a comfort thing... being with him was just what I was used to

 

But, you are not happy. He is not partner material.

 

Certainly, you could move in with family or a friend?

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This is going to sound absolutely horrible but, I feel like leaving him after he supported me while I was deployed will be so bad 😕

Everyone knows about him... family friends etc. From the outside looking in we have the perfect relationship because I am not the type of person to vent about my relationship issues to my friends. Which is why I posted here..

 

How long do you feel you have to tolerate his shi**y behavior because he sent you packages while away? I don't understand this.

 

Would you advise a friend to stay in this situation?

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I am sorry. No matter how direct you are, you can't change a cheapstake. You cannot change a stingy, beyond selfish lover. He is who he is. He gave you a place to stay, so you feel like he did something nice. You stay because you think everyone expects you to stay. I'm sorry, but you are NOT A DOG.

 

The fact that you had to detail that your original post was going to be semi-long, when it totally wasn't at all, already tells me you think you're not worth a read. Lady, you need to get these ideas out of your head. You are worth it. You are worth wonderful dinners out, meals in, gifts, adoration, SHARING!!!!!!, and a man who loves bussing to Tuna town.

 

Look at this way - your best friend or wonderful sister starts dating a guy who took her on a few dates for a month of two, now makes sure they split everything no matter what, and doesn't do anything special for her or takes her out on dates, and never pleases her in bed - would you tell your best friend or loving sister to stay with that deadbeat???? That's a nope. So why should it be a "yes" for you?

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I’m texting my mom now to explain the situation. I will ask to stay there for a few months until I get back on my feet.

 

I hope you mean this and will follow thru. My god this guy sounds like the ultimate cheapskate and you feel like he's doing you a favour to let you live in his place. He has zero respect for you. Get some online therapy asap, you really need to learn to build your self esteem way up.

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Just a word of caution - sometimes people who love you most can also give you the worst advice about relationships. In other words, if your mom encourages you to stick it out, work things out with him, anything at all along those lines....please please please stand your ground and leave him anyway. I would still very strongly encourage you to seek out some counseling. The reasons for putting up with what you have been are rooted somewhere in your psyche, in your past, in your childhood or upbringing and needs fixing and disentangling. If you don't work that out, chances are overwhelming that you'll just end up with another guy who is similar.

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Mirror him. No money, no oral, no cooking/food etc. Stingy people tend to be that way across the board. Move out. He is not going to marry you.

 

Mirroring is nothing more than playing games and dragging out the misery. They've been together 4 years. He is not going to change who he is and magically get a different personality and character. She needs to leave him yesterday. Done. Finished. Permanently over.

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Mirroring is nothing more than playing games and dragging out the misery. They've been together 4 years. He is not going to change who he is and magically get a different personality and character. She needs to leave him yesterday. Done. Finished. Permanently over.

 

If stopping waiting on him hand and foot and not being his maid, mommy and sex worker helps her disengagte mentally to be strong to move on, i am all for it. If her state is under quarantine she may have nowhere to go (can't move in with elder parents, hard to see apartments or might not have the money available to be able to sign a lease) so in the meantime it might be a good tactic

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Not knowing what your mom is like.... Be sure to offer to some cleaning services, grocery runs, or other chores that can help out in lieu of cash (if you don't have any). And it's a good idea to do theses things even if you guys do come to a monetary payment...

 

It will help your self esteem, hard work is good for the soul and show your mom how much you appreciate her. Then start saving for your own place. As former military, look into resources for housing or as others said, some counseling.

 

I'm so happy for you that you posted here and are seeing things.... If your mom can't help you, keep trying. You'll figure something out. Keep us posted, we can help you brain storm. Good luck!

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Excellent. You are probably trained and used to being stoic and strong. That's ok. But it's also ok to be frank with trusted adults, even if in your mind it seems like "failure" to admit things aren't going well.

 

Do look into whatever academic and VA/military benefits you may have. Yes move out asap. Even if he's a nice guy on some other levels this pathological cheapness and self-centered behavior will be a nightmare if you were legally married.

I’m texting my mom now to explain the situation. I will ask to stay there for a few months until I get back on my feet.
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