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Hello everyone,

I need some advice. So I have been with my partner for going on 4 years this August. He is a very nice guy who I love. There a just a few issues that I am not happy about.

 

I just turned 27 and he is 28 years old . Both are entrepreneurs ( just explaining this for a little background). He can be a bit selfish in some ways. If we go to get some food and the bill is $20 he asks me to send him $10 which I don’t mind doing however, I used to treat him to dinner all the time just being nice. I stopped doing that because he barely reciprocates.

He literally tries to split everything down the middle.

 

I remember going to the laundromat one time and I had 2 dollars in cash and my debit card. My wash was 2.75 he asked me if I had the $2.75, I said I have $2 but I could take money out of the ATM. His wash was $8 and he had a $20 bill on him. Instead of him loaning me a $1 he let me take out $20 from the atm with a $4 transaction fee.

 

When it comes to sex he hasn’t went down on me in almost a year but he always just pulls his pants down and expects oral which I do smh. I told him that he hasn’t gone down on me in almost a year and he said he will start doing it. This was almost two months ago.

 

 

He said we can hold out until my birthday which was on April 16th, 2020. My birthday comes he gave me a card that he got from the dollar store the day before. Which I was thankful for. Then he said we were going to get lunch and took me to McDonald’s. He then said we were going to eat somewhere for dinner and when we went to the Columbian restaurant the restaurant was out of food. He winded up getting himself something and I didn’t get anything for dinner on my birthday.

 

 

I asked him could we try to eat at the Columbian place the next day to make it up and he said yes. The days came and went and he has not mentioned treating me to dinner. Remind you it is quarantine time so I get that things are closed. However, him taking the extra effort to see if some other restaurants had food or even cooking me dinner would’ve been so appreciated.

 

I cook everyday and I go down on him whenever he wants. I talked to him about 4 times about why he doesn’t go down on me and he says he will do it next time. He doesn’t aim to please me during sex at all. We never have date nights only if I suggest them. I used to get him gifts throughout the year but I stopped because he was always taking but never randomly did nice things for me.

 

Every time we have alone time he’s always talking about his business 24/7. He never asks how I’m feeling emotionally or if he does he turns the question back around to it being about him.

 

He is funny, smart and attractive. I never have to worry about other women and when I complain about something he does try sometimes.

Am I wrong for not feeling satisfied in the relationship? Or even calling off the engagement? Please let me know.

Thank you

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Wow -is that really a standard "I never have to worry about other women?" It's kind of like "well he doesn't beat me ....."

 

I don't really see why you are with this guy but why were you so insistent on him buying you dinner? Maybe he preferred to do something else for your birthday?

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Agree with the above. Also, the fact that you are doing for him and he expects you to cook and drops his pants (WHA????) and you accommodate shows that you have very little self esteem. Relationships that last are about being partners and working together and being there for each other. He makes practically no effort, you give too much and get nothing in return, and you think because he occasionally makes an effort when you have had a bad day that this is all you deserve? Dump this loser and get some well-needed therapy to work on your self esteem before you get into any other relationship.

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For the love of God, do not marry this stingy man. He will never ever ever change. Watch The Joy Luck Club! You derserve someone who would give the shirt off their back for you, and go down on you all the time.

 

Yes -that couple with the ice cream etc was amazing -I was in my 20s when I saw it and it affected me so much -and I was single.

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O....M....G.....please tell me you are just trolling.

I mean really....he took you to McD's for your b-day and he just drops his trou and you blow him while he does nothing for you? You've got to be kidding. What's wrong with you for putting up with this. Seriously, I'm begging you, tell us this is just a troll post and not what you've stooped to in real life.

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My esteem is pretty good! I guess I am not the type to walk away without trying. He has an apartment that I live in I forgot to mention. So there’s really nothing holding me back from leaving. We don’t share a mortgage or anything. I always try to see the potential in someone but, that is my downfall.

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My esteem is pretty good! I guess I am not the type to walk away without trying. He has an apartment that I live in I forgot to mention. So there’s really nothing holding me back from leaving. We don’t share a mortgage or anything. I always try to see the potential in someone but, that is my downfall.

 

Who does walk away from someone in a long term relationship without trying? Almost no one. What more are you going to "try" -what specific actions would show you are "trying" - you know you can't change him right!

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Nope I wish I was kidding! We went to McDonald’s and then to the park and that was it. He made it seem like we would be enjoying the night so I made no big deal about lunch at McDonald’s. Remind you for his birthday I got him gifts, took him to breakfast, movies and then dinner on a boat. I never talk to people about my relationship issues so I am so appreciative of you guys responding back to me.

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This guy is a real jerk. Not only is he incredibly selfish, but he is also a cheapskate. I don't know how you could possibly think you could raise a family with someone like this or have any type of future.

 

If someone is not reciprocating sexually, then stop performing for them.

 

"He winded up getting himself something and I didn’t get anything for dinner on my birthday." Just WOW! I would have dumped him that night.

 

This guy is awful and you have allowed him to treat you like a doormat. Dump him!

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My esteem is pretty good! I guess I am not the type to walk away without trying. He has an apartment that I live in I forgot to mention. So there’s really nothing holding me back from leaving. We don’t share a mortgage or anything. I always try to see the potential in someone but, that is my downfall.

 

Bee, Your self esteem is very low. Most would never tolerate this behavior.

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My esteem is pretty good! I guess I am not the type to walk away without trying. He has an apartment that I live in I forgot to mention. So there’s really nothing holding me back from leaving. We don’t share a mortgage or anything. I always try to see the potential in someone but, that is my downfall.

 

If your self esteem is pretty good, then why are you with a guy that doesn't go down on you, let's you incur bank fees, promises you things but doesn't follow through?

 

Because he could do better, if he wanted to?

 

Get out of this today. He's a LOSER boyfriend.

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Hello everyone,

I need some advice. So I have been with my partner for going on 4 years this August. He is a very nice guy who I love. There a just a few issues that I am not happy about.

 

I just turned 27 and he is 28 years old . Both are entrepreneurs ( just explaining this for a little background). He can be a bit selfish in some ways. If we go to get some food and the bill is $20 he asks me to send him $10 which I don’t mind doing however, I used to treat him to dinner all the time just being nice. I stopped doing that because he barely reciprocates.

He literally tries to split everything down the middle.

 

I remember going to the laundromat one time and I had 2 dollars in cash and my debit card. My wash was 2.75 he asked me if I had the $2.75, I said I have $2 but I could take money out of the ATM. His wash was $8 and he had a $20 bill on him. Instead of him loaning me a $1 he let me take out $20 from the atm with a $4 transaction fee.

 

When it comes to sex he hasn’t went down on me in almost a year but he always just pulls his pants down and expects oral which I do smh. I told him that he hasn’t gone down on me in almost a year and he said he will start doing it. This was almost two months ago.

 

 

He said we can hold out until my birthday which was on April 16th, 2020. My birthday comes he gave me a card that he got from the dollar store the day before. Which I was thankful for. Then he said we were going to get lunch and took me to McDonald’s. He then said we were going to eat somewhere for dinner and when we went to the Columbian restaurant the restaurant was out of food. He winded up getting himself something and I didn’t get anything for dinner on my birthday.

 

 

I asked him could we try to eat at the Columbian place the next day to make it up and he said yes. The days came and went and he has not mentioned treating me to dinner. Remind you it is quarantine time so I get that things are closed. However, him taking the extra effort to see if some other restaurants had food or even cooking me dinner would’ve been so appreciated.

 

I cook everyday and I go down on him whenever he wants. I talked to him about 4 times about why he doesn’t go down on me and he says he will do it next time. He doesn’t aim to please me during sex at all. We never have date nights only if I suggest them. I used to get him gifts throughout the year but I stopped because he was always taking but never randomly did nice things for me.

 

Every time we have alone time he’s always talking about his business 24/7. He never asks how I’m feeling emotionally or if he does he turns the question back around to it being about him.

 

He is funny, smart and attractive. I never have to worry about other women and when I complain about something he does try sometimes.

Am I wrong for not feeling satisfied in the relationship? Or even calling off the engagement? Please let me know.

Thank you

LOL holy **** I damn near spit out my coffee. This man is a legend.

 

Look, you don't need anyone's permission to call off a commitment to someone. You don't even need a reason beyond not seeing them a long-term fit. But yes, you've got a very wide variety of gripes anyone would sympathize with.

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I could join the chorus bashing him, but, aside from being low hanging fruit, I kind of think bashing him (in your mind) has been the thing that has allowed these 4 years to pass. You can relabel bashing as trying "to see the potential in someone" since it sits better, but it is what it is.

 

You're getting something out of playing the role you've elected to play, doing x, expecting y, and keeping an internal ledger of those transactions. What, exactly, is that something? In your shoes I'd try to isolate that—in honest, crystal clear language—and then figure out if it's something you want to keep cultivating in your life or let go of. The answer to that, I think, will let you know what you want to do with this relationship.

 

Is there a reason—very genuine question here—you want to commit your life to a man you clearly do not like and don't feel likes you very much?

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So we are both ex military. I spent a year overseas and he supported me the whole time. He sent me a card and some care packages while I was there. I came home and went through a depression episode. It was around then when I moved in with him. I was still in college and I recently just graduated last year. I love that you took this approach with the situation because, I don’t really have anywhere to go if I move out from with him. I am trying to establish myself now since exiting the military and finishing school. I guess it’s more of a comfort thing... being with him was just what I was used to

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Nope I wish I was kidding! We went to McDonald’s and then to the park and that was it. He made it seem like we would be enjoying the night so I made no big deal about lunch at McDonald’s. Remind you for his birthday I got him gifts, took him to breakfast, movies and then dinner on a boat. I never talk to people about my relationship issues so I am so appreciative of you guys responding back to me.

 

 

OP, you are not wrong for feeling the way that you feel, you are entitled to your feelings and clearly you are frustrated that you are in a relationship that is very one-sided. However, one pattern that I am seeing (with the exception of the talks with him regarding your sexual needs) is that you tend to not to say anything and keep your frustrations bottled up inside whenever your boyfriend behaves in a way which upsets you. Not making a big deal about something (when, in reality, it very much is a big deal to you) is not an effective way to communicate and ultimately does more harm than good. You may want to take a step back and ask yourself why you are too afraid to say anything, to let your fiancee know that certain behaviors are not okay and will not be tolerated.

 

The thing is, if you avoid conflict to the point where you will not communicate your needs to your partner and act as if everything is "fine", you run the risk of running into the very same problems in any future relationships you may have. People are not mind readers and, while I am not justifying your boyfriend's behavior as it is indeed selfish and inconsiderate, he may very well assume that it's all A-okay since you seem to just roll with it.

 

My advice: learn to be more assertive and stick up for yourself. Don't be afraid to call out bad behavior. Yes, do leave a relationship in which you are being mistreated, and don't stick around for years in a bad relationship silently hoping that things will one day turn around.

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This is going to sound absolutely horrible but, I feel like leaving him after he supported me while I was deployed will be so bad 😕

Everyone knows about him... family friends etc. From the outside looking in we have the perfect relationship because I am not the type of person to vent about my relationship issues to my friends. Which is why I posted here..

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Thank you... I do talk to him about things. When he asked did I enjoy my birthday I told him I was really looking forward to us eating somewhere and he said,” yeah babe I know” that was all. I talked to him about the oral thing he said we would hold out until my birthday that came and went and still nothing. Apparently everything I say to him goes in one ear and out of the other.

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Well....I'm absolutely stumped and floored.

If you had an ounce of self respect....you'd have dumped this selfish loser a long long time ago. You say that you see potential....well...it can't be about you every being treated better. He has shown you time and time and time again who he is - selfish to the nth degree. Callous even. So what is this really about? What's making you stay and demean yourself to this extent?

 

You said yourself that you are free to leave any time you want to. So what's keeping you? You mention that he is an entrepreneur - is it about future money? Do you think he'll hit it big and you'll be Mrs Spend All You Want Mrs Living in a Mansion? Is that why you are willing to put up with this? Wiling to suck his d every time he drops trou? I seriously cannot wrap my mind around the self inflicted abuse you are putting up with.

 

You say that he won't cheat on you....Serious note here that I hope you are paying attention to - Selfish self centered people are entitled as all get out and will cheat. He might not be doing it now, but I can guarantee you that he will do it sooner or later...or you just haven't caught him at it yet. He already doesn't treat you like a human being. Don't kid yourself for one flipping second that his callousness has any limits. Don't stay with this loser just because of this mistaken belief that he won't cheat or chase other women. He will. It's the hallmark of selfish losers.

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Everyone knows about him... family friends etc. From the outside looking in we have the perfect relationship because I am not the type of person to vent about my relationship issues to my friends. Which is why I posted here..

 

But they aren't going to marry him and spend the rest of their life in a lopsided marriage.

 

You say your self esteem is high, but people with high self esteem don't care this much about what other people think. So much so you are willing to act on their opinions over your own.

 

What you have standing in front of you is what you get. This is who he is, it's time you accept that.

 

As you mentioned, you are currently with him by choice. I can't imagine being legally bound to him.

Let's add some kids into the mix and see how equitable things are. You think things are bad now? You haven't seen anything yet!

 

It's interesting when I read these threads. Most people already know the answer or they wouldn't have come here to begin with. It's ok, suss it out - but in the end I think you know you'll be miserable marrying a man this selfish.

Believe you deserve better.

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