Jump to content

it's been 7 years, and i want to understand what happened


Sarah 26

Recommended Posts

my story is a little bit weird, that i can't tell it to anyone .... in 2013 i was in another country for a voluntary work, i met a guy who was geniunly kind and loving to me .. after many dates with him ... he called me and was so nervous, he told me that he loves me so much and he made me promise to never let go. and he promised that even if i have to go to my country he will go to see me.

 

he was planning our dates in details, even though he was busy working in a restaurant, calling me every night, and was caring and always worrying when he calls and i'm out ... the problem started after he confessed his love, i went to a party with my colleagues and called to let him know, he was so mad at me that he started to speak his mother language that i don't understand.

 

and since our communication wasn't that good, i was upset and didn't speak because he yelled, i had a collegue there who liked him, and she was telling me directly that she does like my boyfriend, as a cool girl i understood her feelings and her honesty, because he was so attractive, and i didn't expect that she may ruin things between us.

 

after 5 days no contact, i was so desperate and i realised i love him too, i thought he left me, but he called .. he said he's not a cool guy and that he doesn't accept his GF to go to clubs without him, things were going to be fixed then this colleague went to his restaurant with me ... and started to laugh outloud, she misbehaved terribly, she asked him to wash some fruits for her, and insist that he should eat some even though he refused multiple time, i was so shocked and i couldn't interfere and he looked at me like i was fooling him around and he didn't want to talk to me anymore.

 

after 3 days i asked him if we are over, he answered after 4 days "we are" ... i went to see him ater his work, he was with his friend he told me i'm busy without stopping and he left me like a beggar in the streets i was so hurt.

 

i did my best to make him know that i'm not what he thinks, especially that he was the first man i slept with, i was virgin at that time, but didnt lost it with him, i beeged for him to take it like a fool, i was so desperate and i'm ashamed till now.

 

i stayed for 2 extra months, and i told him that i can stay for him and never go back to my country ... texted him many times but no answer. i was really capable to die for him, i never loved anyone like i loved him.

 

when i lost hope, the last days for me, i went to see him, and he was so kind to me, he asked me about those friends like where are they ?,and told me that his phone was broken. i couldn't speak because i just was staring at him like a fool, i was already so hurt to try.

 

he asked me when i will go back, i told him after 2 days, he was shocked and wanted to leave and then he returned he was so nervous and was smiling like a fool.

 

i asked for a last date he accepted .. i brought him a gift and a farewell letter i wrote in his mother language "just wishing him a good life and saying goodbye", he was so moved by it, that he started to approach me, i couldn't even look him the eyes the whole time my head was down, i was trying so hard to not cry.

 

he said that it's the distance, the communication ... bla bla ... i told him i know .. he was so kind like the first time when we were loving each other.

 

we kept silent for a while then he went to stood away by the window and yeld in his mother language " kajima or hajima" which means dont go or don't do it, didn't know back then what it meant ...

 

i started to cry and left ... he ran after me to stop me from leaving i was puching him away ... and he hugged me, i cried like a crazy woman in his arms and he asked me for a last kiss 3 times !!

 

he kissed me softly on my upper lip .. and i left

 

after that he was unregistering and registering in his Kakaotalk for weeks, the only social media platform hat connected us, then he put a picture with anothe girl but not sure if it was him in the pic.

 

i was so hurt ... but didnt speak with each other ... after some months he changed his number and his account totally turned to a random girl's account, and we lost touch, .

 

i don't understand why after kissing me ... he put a picture with another girl to hurt me

 

i really want to understand ... from a man perspective ... was it pity ?

 

i moved on, and i'm married now and i love my husband, however whenever i remember him, my heart hurts like it just happened and i cry, i don't know when i'm going to really forget this.

 

please help, i just want to know if this was pity or was he getting revenge ... i have to understand.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No one knows why, but does your husband know you cry over another man?

 

I think he does, and i feel terrible and i don't want this to affect my relation with my husband

i love my husband so much ... however it's not up to me

I thought I moved on and i really did, i don't even recall my ex's face but sometimes i just dream of him and i wake up like i have never moved on

it's a torture and i think of going to see a psy

i think because it's unfinished business thing, i'm just screwed up

Link to comment
Share on other sites

From what you describe it didn't sound like a stable relationship with the intention or potential for long-term. You were probably both young, intoxicated by love and unrealistic promises like "never let go," "I could die for you," etc. while in reality you knew full well it was temporary, you were going to leave the country and he actually let go quite easily for some trivial stuff and acted cold and mean toward you. Sometimes we mistake dramatic actions for passion, but after 7 years you would not be in the same confused head space if you had properly moved on. As for the last kiss, it doesn't have to mean anything. Many people hug, kiss, or have sex one last time before they part ways forever. That last bit of intimacy doesn't keep a permanent seal on either party's heart, if it even carries much affection at all.

 

It might be helpful to discuss these thoughts with a therapist. They can surely undermine your relationship with your husband.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This man was not a good pick, OP. He screamed at you for going out with your friends? Gigantic red flag. Telling you he loves you, and he will come to your country, when you two barely dated? Another red flag. He was never going to give you the relationship you wanted. He had someone else on the go and needed to offload you so he staged a fight and turned it around on you.

 

Now to the more important problem - you're still thinking about this all these later, even after getting married. You haven't moved on if you're still this upset over it, though my guess is that you're not happy in your marriage and are reaching into your past to try to feel better. That's where you really need to so some work.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So basically you fell for false words from some guy.

A player.

You still think that years later of what I can only assume is an arranged marriage (correct me if I’m wrong?) that there was love between you and the player???

 

Do you love your husband? Or simply going along with him?

 

What’s important to you??

Link to comment
Share on other sites

In my opinion, it was not pity nor revenge. He was just trying to pretend that everything was fine. You need to take him off the pedestal. Your communication was dysfunctional and it sounds like he was from a culture where women are treated like possessions. You have inflated the past in your head to the point that it reads like a Hollywood (or Bollywood) romance movie. Yet the thruth is that he mistreated/yelled at you when he got angry and he was all words and no actions when things got tough. You seriously need to let go of this fantasy. Someone who yells and gives up on you is not a prince. What you are experiencing is an addiction to the feelings of first love. First love generates chemicals in the brain similar to a strong drug. Yet, 9 out of 10 times that person is nowhere near perfect as it feels. You have replayed the memories over and over it your head to the point that you have created an epic love story. Yet if it had been the real thing, it wouldn't have crumbled so easily. The real thing is what you have with your husband. What you describe is just a fantasy, and the actions of this guy don't even justify all the false assumptions that you have created in your head about him. You are missing out on your present pining for a fantasy that never really existed. Take that guy off the pedestal. He seriously doesn't deserve it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You were a fun booty call for a toxic man who thought the situation was ideal. He got what he wanted without the daily effort of a longterm relationship. You're lacking an emotional connection with your husband. Read about how to pour emotional energy into him, so you can spark or reignite excitement and passion where it belongs. Google spicing up a marriage for ideas.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What is missing in your life, that you're attached to this?

 

I assure you, whatever this is about. 7 years later, its not a guy from a brief hook up while you lived a abroad.

 

Why do you cry for him? Maybe shame of how you handled things? Maybe some sadness for what you wish your life had now?

 

Regardless, this is over. There is nothing to do with him or even a way to know anything about him. Nor should there be. He's a memory.

 

The answers to all of this are in you. Start there... what aren't you being honest with yourself about? Some need in you is not being met.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think he does, and i feel terrible and i don't want this to affect my relation with my husband

i love my husband so much ... however it's not up to me

I thought I moved on and i really did, i don't even recall my ex's face but sometimes i just dream of him and i wake up like i have never moved on

it's a torture and i think of going to see a psy

i think because it's unfinished business thing, i'm just screwed up

 

IT IS up to you.

If you want to get over him, say to yourself "i have a loving husband. Why am i upset about some guy who didn't work out?" Every time you think about him, snap your wrist hard with a rubber band. I would also seek therapy. Its not normal to cry over some guy you briefly had a thing with 7 years later

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So basically you fell for false words from some guy.

A player.

You still think that years later of what I can only assume is an arranged marriage (correct me if I’m wrong?) that there was love between you and the player???

 

Do you love your husband? Or simply going along with him?

 

What’s important to you??

 

 

No it wasn't an arranged marriage, we have been dating for 3 years before getting married

i'm in love with my husband and he's such a wonderful man

we have our ups and downs, but he's my soulmate

 

however this ex, he just disappears and sometimes i dream about him

it's not that i think intentionnaly about him ... and i think i feel sad about it because

i have never been humiliated and confused like i was with him

it's just like a dark memory that keeps haunting me ... once in a year or 2 years

i moved on after a year of struggle and i met my now husband and forgot everything about him

it's the shame i feel everytime i remember him ... that makes me feel so awful

Link to comment
Share on other sites

clio thank you so much ... your comment really helped

and I think i'm really missing out on my present and the love i receive from my husband

i'll work on this ... i already did it when it was still fresh and i will cut it off for good this time

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What is missing in your life, that you're attached to this?

 

I assure you, whatever this is about. 7 years later, its not a guy from a brief hook up while you lived a abroad.

 

Why do you cry for him? Maybe shame of how you handled things? Maybe some sadness for what you wish your life had now?

 

Regardless, this is over. There is nothing to do with him or even a way to know anything about him. Nor should there be. He's a memory.

 

The answers to all of this are in you. Start there... what aren't you being honest with yourself about? Some need in you is not being met.

 

 

actually nothing is missing in my life, i have a wonderful job and carrier, a loving husband

i think you are right with the shame point

even when i moved on at that time, i was depressed for a year and i hated my self for the things i did and said to him

never been so weak and i literally lost my self respect ... knowing that i was always a proud woman

it was a trauma, and i have never been treated that way from a man before

i always was the dumper ... and he was that first exotic true love, i did hurt many guys after him ... anyway i have to work on my self

to get back my self esteem ... because i think i never got it back.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You were a fun booty call for a toxic man who thought the situation was ideal. He got what he wanted without the daily effort of a longterm relationship. You're lacking an emotional connection with your husband. Read about how to pour emotional energy into him, so you can spark or reignite excitement and passion where it belongs. Google spicing up a marriage for ideas.

 

not really ... we didn't even F*** properly, it was only kissing and hugging and playing before sleeping

he was a descent man and respected that i'm not ready for sex...

but he changed completly after the club thing, he was so insecure

and he was so mean, he was getting revenge, it was pure hate and i lost my dignity while trying to make him understand that i wasn't playing him around

players are easily spotted and they don't attract me

PS: he's korean and when i asked my male korean friends there they said that clubs in korea are just for sex seekers, and that his reaction is normal !! anyway the only feeling i have now is "shame and resentment"

 

however thank you for your comment

Link to comment
Share on other sites

not really ... we didn't even F*** properly, it was only kissing and hugging and playing before sleeping

he was a descent man and respected that i'm not ready for sex...

but he changed completly after the club thing, he was so insecure

and he was so mean, he was getting revenge, it was pure hate and i lost my dignity while trying to make him understand that i wasn't playing him around

players are easily spotted and they don't attract me

PS: he's korean and when i asked my male korean friends there they said that clubs in korea are just for sex seekers, and that his reaction is normal !! anyway the only feeling i have now is "shame and resentment"

I'm confused. You want to understand what happened?

You just accounted for it here. Why the need to make it more complicated when you already have the answer?

 

Bad timing and cultural differences. Simple as that.

 

You are giving way too value to someone you barely knew, who didn't treat you in a way that you would otherwise expect. Whether it's his extreme insecurity or his cultural views, he was not the man for you . . . period.

 

All this energy trying to make this into something it isn't.. .7 years later is energy you should be putting into you current world and your marriage. That would be a worthwhile investment. Not romanticizing something in the past that you can't change.

 

He wasn't kind. That's on him and it's not about you.

You did not lose your dignity to him. You gave it away when you weren't supposed to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...