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Newly single and struggling with no contact


Althomas20

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So I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years a week and a half ago and I’m really struggling to cope with all of the different emotions I’m feeling, one minute I’m fine and the next I’ll see something that reminds me of him and I’ll be in floods of tears. Even though it was so difficult I ultimately feel as though it was the right decision as we had been arguing so much lately and he has a short temper so starts shouting and swearing and just getting angry more and more often and he just didn’t even seem like he was that into me anymore and as we live separately we haven’t seen each other in quarantine so it had been about 6 weeks without seeing each other and he was taking hours to reply to messages and not being at all affectionate so I’d just had enough. A selfish part of me kinda hoped he would fight for me or at least try to reach out on text, how long after a break up does it usually take for someone to get in touch? I feel like messaging to see how he’s doing as he’s recently started a new job but I don’t know if that’ll just confuse maters and make things worse, I just don’t want to feel like this but I feel as though it’s going to take forever to get over him. Has anyone else been the dumper but still wanted to reach out/ be reached out to? Is that normal? Any advice appreciated as I’m just feeling really alone atm and keep checking my phone but knowing deep down if he wanted to he would have contacted by now

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Sorry to hear this. you did the right thing ending it and all your feelings are normal. The quarantine has had major effects on people's relationships. Divorce and breakup rates have soared for a multitude of reasons from realizing the relationship is bad to things being strained from too much togetherness ...or too much distance.

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Sorry about all this.

 

Take a few deep breaths and remind yourself: everything you're feeling is normal. Breakups hurt, even when we know they're needed. Suddenly there is a void where there used to be a person, and it takes some time to adjust to that, not much different, really, than how it takes time to recovery from surgery: the operation was needed, but the operation itself leaves a wound.

 

Be compassionate with yourself and give yourself this time to feel all these feelings. They will pass—they always do, as no feeling is permanent—and in giving yourself this time to feel them you'll move through them, and past them. That's healing, which is what you're doing. Trust that as an idea, even if it feels impossible at certain junctures.

 

As for wanting to reach out, or wanting him to reach out? That's normal too, but not something to indulge. Ultimately it's a way to soften these feelings, and feel a little better for a moment, but it doesn't do anyone any favors in the long run, using the person you've broken up with to cope with the breakup. Kind of like healing by drinking whiskey rather than just resting.

 

A breakup is a breakup, not the beginning of a new relationship. In not reaching out to you, he is respecting you, and your choice, as well as his feelings. Try to see it like that, hard as it is.

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To grieve and feel the pain is how we all have had to heal. It normal and healthy. A counselor told me to express my feelings on paper. Keep a journal to unload your grief and your struggles. Then write down 20 things to be thankful for. Then after each entry add another each day of what you are thankful for. You can buy yourself some art supplies, or one of those adult coloring books for some simple creativity to distract yourself from wondering thoughts. The more you do for yourself, the more confident you will be to move on and go forward.

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Thank you everyone for your replies and your kind words, with Covid 19 and now this break up everything just feels so uncertain at the moment and I’m feeling really anxious about the future. I was thinking about starting a journal and just getting some of the thoughts out of my head and on to paper in the hopes that it’ll make me reflect on the reasons why I ended the relationship and not dwelling on the fact that I’m single now

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A journal is great idea—helpful to many to purge and process thoughts and feelings. There's a section here where you can keep a journal, with different kinds of settings: allowing people to respond, or not, and so on.

 

And if you'd like to list some of those reasons here, with some help processing them alongside the swirl of uncertainty, you've got listening ears and people who will offer the best they have to offer.

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One of the main reasons I ended the relationship was his temper, he’s the kind of guy that will want to punch another man if they look at him the wrong way and that’s why he doesn’t drink because he doesn’t trust himself and he’s been in trouble with the police in the past for fighting etc albeit that was a long time ago

But just before I decided to end it he text me to say he’d got into an altercation with his neighbour (even though he’s only renovating the house he hasn’t even moved in yet!) and it ended in his neighbour calling the police, I just don’t want that kind of worry and I’m more a lover than a fighter type so never understood why he couldn’t just be the bigger man and walk away from those kind of situations

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Really sorry for you. Right now you jus need some time to cry and be upset. It's OK. You spent with this person not a day or to. It would be weird if you are happy after you broke up. It's perfect time for you. You can do what you wanted to do but didn't have time. Start a new book, do some exercise, learn new language. The world is your ouster!

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Sounds like a terrific reason to end things from where I sit. Life is chock full of moments—and people—that will rile us up. How we handle all that is, in a sense, who we are. His handling of that sounds not just rudimentary and immature, but dangerous and destructive. Not the sort of thing a person can live in peace alongside, and not the sort of thing one wants to validate through love, affection, and commitment.

 

Going out on a limb here, but I suspect part of the reason you want him to "fight" for you right now is because you know he is, well, something of a fighter. And yet: it's that quality, in large part, that led you to end things, so there's no reason to want to see it now, you know?

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Exactly, I just always felt on edge if we went out to a concert or even to the cinema together as something as little as someone behind kicking his chair would wind him up! He did have a very difficult childhood and hasn’t had an easy life but I’ve just got to do what makes me happy and I know it’s the best decision in the long run.

Interesting what you say about wanting him to fight for me. I’ve never thought of it like that but yes, what you’re saying makes complete sense, I think I just wanted to feel wanted you know?

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That's no way to live.

 

There are people, many of them, who transition from a difficult childhood into a healthy, even-tempered adult. There are also people with fierce tempers who haven't seen much difficulty in life. Point being? Where we come from is not an excuse for corrosive behavior, and relationships are not charitable or therapeutic arrangements. You want to be with someone with whom you feel good, not on edge.

 

We all want to feel wanted. Human nature, and I'm sure you are wanted, right now, by friends, by family. Lean into that, and find solace. "Feeling wanted," nice as it is, isn't worth much if the price of admission is also feeling insecure and on edge.

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You are smart to end things with someone with this type of volatility.

he’s been in trouble with the police in the past for fighting etc albeit that was a long time ago

But just before I decided to end it he text me to say he’d got into an altercation with his neighbour and it ended in his neighbour calling the police

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Your break up is still too fresh. You need more time to heal. Your reasons for breaking up sound valid. But getting over a long-term relationship definitely takes move than a couple of weeks. What you are feeling is normal. Healing takes time but you will get there. Good luck.

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Most of us, if not all have been where you are at. It's not fun and to add to it, the isolation of the current world events, not doubt makes everything more acute.

 

I've had a few breakups under my belt and what I've learned is there are no shortcuts from the icky feelings. I learned to just sit in the middle of them and let them pass through me. I tried everything else before. Rebounding, distractions, running away from it, but my last couple breakups . .I just resigned to it and more less sat in the middle of it and said 'bring it on'

 

The intensity used to scare me. Now I just expect it. What I realized is, the harder it was the more effective the grieving was, if that makes sense.

 

Just know what you are feeling is normal. Especially at a time nothing seems normal. Face head on. It seems to help, because you either deal with it on your terms or it deals with you.

 

I am sorry. . I know it's hard. But it does pass.

 

It also helped to acknowledge any improvement. It's really easy to allow yourself to wallow in the moment but if we are really honest with ourselves we can look back and admit that today, even though still painful is an improvement from yesterday. It's a weird thing, that we are resistant to admit that. As if it negates the pain we are feeling at the moment. But in the long run it helps to acknowledge that things do get better. Never as fast as might like. But it does get better.

 

It helps to get up and do nice things for yourself. It's a reminder that you do survive it all and being kind to yourself is the best thing you can do.

 

Hang in there. . .you got this.

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I just resigned to it and more less sat in the middle of it and said 'bring it on'

 

What I realized is, the harder it was the more effective the grieving was, if that makes sense.

 

I've found this to be true, as well.

 

When I've been down in the dumps about a relationship or a break up, I found it helpful to watch sad movies and self-help programming.

 

It sped up the emotional purging process for me.

 

I've also found myself to be a more sympathetic friend during those times.

 

So, if you know anyone else who is down in the dumps, it could help you to reach out to them and listen to their woes.

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If it weren’t for his violent temper I’d say since you broke up with him it’d be acceptable for you to reach out to him. unfortunately, since he has a short fuse, it’s probably best that you move on now before something unfortunate happens if you guys were to get back together. Honestly I don’t think it would be a matter of if but rather when, unless he would be sincerely willing to seek help. I am all for giving people a second chance, but only when they demonstrate genuine desire to change through action. I wish you the best of luck!

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