Jump to content

I just don’t know anymore


Emma135
 Share

Recommended Posts

I met my husband 5 years ago and have been married for almost 3. We have a 1.5 year old son together. We live a comfortable life financially. Our relationship the first few years was amazing. We had fun together, traveled and had basic arguments but overall we were happy. After marrying, we decided to wait a year before having children. We planned and shortly after our son was born. My husband has always been a wonderful father and I know he loves me. We have overcome some difficult situations together in the past. But lately, I feel as though all we ever do is fight and argue. There have been some changes recently as we moved and took different jobs before the virus lockdown and it all seems to have drastically worsened. We each handle situations very differently, he is very rational and I am the complete emotional opposite. Our main problem is that when something happens that is hurtful , I want my feelings acknowledged and not just shoved aside. Now I am not saying I want flowers and dramatics, etc but it is extremely important that my feelings are sincerely acknowledged and a simple apology. However, he immediately becomes defensive and takes a very(get over it) tone and pushes down my feelings and I have to really push for my feelings to be heard which in turns to constant escalated fights and arguments. I try to be reasonable and understanding. I don’t throw insults in his face or say curse words let alone try to raise my voice in front of my child. He can be so hot headed sometimes and can’t control his anger. He realizes he was rude , says he will never do it again, and repeats. It has become a cycle. I have stressed open communication and we have discussed how to move forward, why there are issues, and how to best fix them. After repeatedly forgiving him I am losing trust. I don’t know what else to do, if he doesn’t want to change I can’t force him to. I don’t want to stay in a marriage of constant fighting and arguing especially because I don’t want that for my child. It should be noted that my husband grew up in a similar family environment with his parents constantly fighting verbally and has issues as a result. I on the other hand grew up constantly being belittled and having my feelings mocked and ignored before finding my voice therefore I always feel the need to stand up for myself and be open and confident about how I feel. We each deal with our feelings differently, I just wish he was more empathetic and considerate of my feelings. I want our marriage to work. Am I being unreasonable for expecting this? Divorce does bad things to kids and I feel like I give him so many chances and am so forgiving because of our child. I almost feel like if we had no child maybe I would leave. I just feel stuck. I am tired of the constant arguing and it is really difficult for me to understand why he can’t just acknowledge my feelings instead of getting defense and going straight to “why don’t you just get over it? I don’t like feeling like my feelings don’t matter I am a person who needs to work through my emotions and if I can’t do that then I feel anxious and unhappy. it is seriously ruining our marriage.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

have you tried counselling?

 

I would suggest writing him a letter explaining everything. make sure he understands as he reads.

be sure to let him know that you know its not all about you and your feelings, but if you aren't happy then, what is the point?

let him know you care about his feelings also, and would always accommodate them.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry you are going through this.

 

Take comfort that many couples go through this exact thing, especially with a young child.

Life and your marriage has forever changed. I don't want to put child rearing as a negative, but any couple who's gone through it will agree a child changes the relationship dynamic.

 

Best thing you can do is seek a good counsellor, they too have counselled on this many many times, so they are your best bet.

 

Other than that, you both need to ride the wave and focus on the great parts of your marriage to get through this.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Until you get an appointment with a counselor, which sometimes takes months, get the book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Gradually take turns reading a chapter a day to each other. Practice the skills. I'd say: I love you and want this marriage to work. I'd like to give this book a try.

 

Good luck.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stop talking at him. The more you 'tell him your feelings' the ammo you give an abusive person. Calm down and look for therapist to talk to. He is abusive and does not want to console you after the abuse.

 

You need to privately and confidentially start talking to trusted friends, family and doctors therapist attorneys etc.This alone will empower you. Also read up on abusive relationships.

He realizes he was rude , says he will never do it again, and repeats. It has become a cycle.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

.. He can be so hot headed sometimes and can’t control his anger. He realizes he was rude , says he will never do it again, and repeats. It has become a cycle. I have stressed open communication and we have discussed how to move forward, why there are issues, and how to best fix them. After repeatedly forgiving him I am losing trust. I don’t know what else to do, if he doesn’t want to change I can’t force him to. I don’t want to stay in a marriage of constant fighting and arguing especially because I don’t want that for my child. I

 

, I just wish he was more empathetic and considerate of my feelings. I want our marriage to work. Am I being unreasonable for expecting this? Divorce does bad things to kids and I feel like I give him so many chances and am so forgiving because of our child. I almost feel like if we had no child maybe I would leave. I just feel stuck. I am tired of the constant arguing and it is really difficult for me to understand why he can’t just acknowledge my feelings instead of getting defense and going straight to “why don’t you just get over it? I don’t like feeling like my feelings don’t matter

 

 

I'm very sorry you are going thru this. Anyone can have bad days or make mistakes- but repeated cycles of behavior or patterns, usually means that is ingrained in the person's personality. You say you've been together 5 years, that's not very long for him to be this dismissive of you this quickly. (Not that it's ever right) But you are still in the "easy phases" of the relationship and of child rearing.

 

I tend to think that it's easy to "get along" when things are good. New relationship, making plans, having excess money- but you often meet the real person when stressful times happen. Someone already said it and I agree- babies can change everything. Not with everyone and not always in a negative way. But cliches exist for a reason, and I've seen it in action too often not to agree. A lot of men change their attitudes towards their wives after children. This can happen for many different reasons (He no longer views her as 'sexual', he's jealous of the attention the baby is getting, he now feels he has her and doesn't have to try to impress her anymore, he feels trapped and lashes out)

 

You seem very level-headed and are correct about a number of things. You can't change him. Wishing things were so doesn't make them so. Ask nearly any divorced couple (including me) and ask if they had "wanted" or "hoped" their marriage would work out. I know I wanted my first marriage to work out. But, the problem is, YOU can't make it work out by yourself. You can't control someone else. Divorce is never fun, but staying in an emotionally abusive marriage isn't a good example for your child either. Right now, your husband is being emotionally abusive. He is doing a classic abuse cycle- Abuse happens, he apologizes just enough to appease you but doesn't change the behavior, then devalues you and says your feelings aren't valid and you are "overeacting" and to "get over it". Please recognize this is an abusers cycle. I feel for you, because my first husband was like this with me. He'd always do JUST enough to win me back or make me think he was interested in changing, then everything would just repeat.

 

And I know, I really do know from experience how hard it is to leave when you want something to work SO badly and how easy it is to think to yourself " If ONLY he did this, we could WORK!" But I can also tell you from my own experience, that you are in denial. This is who he is. Actions speak louder than words. Repeated behaviors are personality traits and you cannot change them. HE has to change them and that will only happen if he WANTS to. The fact that he doesn't WANT to after you've had multiple conversations ought to tell you where his head is at. He doesn't care enough to change. And it shouldn't take you threatening him with divorce to WANT to make that change. He should want to just because he loves you and cares about you and your feelings should matter to him. Love isn't always enough. A relationship requires SO much more than just love to flourish in the long run. Respect matters. Kindness matters. Support matters. Compassion matters. And you have a right to expect all these things from your husband. I maintain my view that just because you love someone, doesn't mean you can LIVE with them.

 

I really think you should make an appointment with a counselor and talk thru your feelings and options. Until you do that, do me a favor. Imagine that this behavior from him continues (and it likely will)- how do you imagine you will feel after 5, 10, 15 years of this? How do you expect that will impact your child? Your answer should tell you a lot. Good luck. I very truly wish you all the best.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It sounds like you are carrying a lot of baggage from your past and possibly taking it out on your family and husband in particular. It takes two to fight. So what are you constantly fighting about? It reads to me like you found your voice and are taking it too far demanding this and demanding that. It's not always right to dump your emotions on your partner and demand that they act as your therapist. It can be destructive to your relationship.

 

It's impossible to tell from your post what all is going on with the two of you. All I can tell you is that tending to be rational, I wouldn't be very happy with a partner who is always emotionally charged up and demanding succor and support for that. I can totally see myself telling them to get a grip on that myself. There is limit to how much, how often, and for how long people can humor your emotions. At some point YOU are responsible for your emotional health, nobody else.

 

On that note, I think it would be good for you to talk to a neutral party and get a second, third, and even fourth opinion on this. A reality check and perhaps some balancing on when you need to find your voice and when you need to deal with this yourself without burdening others with emotions. One thing I can guarantee you is that you aren't always right to demand what you want.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What are these problems you feel you should have your feelings acknowledged for? How often are you expecting him to "acknowledge" them? What do you mean by him not controlling his anger?

 

I'll be honest, it's a big red flag for me when folks come on here focusing 95% of the post on feelings rather than actual issues. Yes, feelings matter. Yes, you should be able to freely express them with your partner. No, that doesn't mean you're entitled to emotionally exhaust people-- even spouses-- with them, nor psychologically corner them pressing a disagreement they no longer want to discuss. Is that the situation here? We have no idea either way.

 

One of the most abusive relationships I ever had the misfortune of witnessing was where the guy wouldn't raise his voice. Wouldn't curse. He'd just regularly bring up things he thought she did wrong, things she should be doing, pointing out the most obscurely perceived slights, etc. She wouldn't want to talk about it anymore. He'd follow her. Again, no yelling or cursing. And yeah, it was a badge of honor for him that he didn't ever raise his voice. My tenancy there was a very short one.

 

In your case, I'm not saying we should be flipping the script, but the point is that anywhere in between, the whole "I speak softly and my partner is a hot head" is rarely the Lifetime script we're inclined to imagine without further detail. That you admit to a pattern of "pushing your feelings to be heard" ending up in an argument between you two isn't a good look for either of you. There's a lot we'd need to know before we could provide any advice aside from seeking marital counseling and until then, not bringing up issues that don't genuinely need to be brought up.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I too, agree with marriage counseling.

 

If a person grows up in a family lacking empathy and respect for one another, then he or she will become an unempathetic, rude, incredibly selfish, (many times) a gaslighting adult.

 

Parents don't just give finger wagging lectures. Their heart, grace and behaviors teach their sons and daughters how to think and behave properly for themselves and for others. It's a very selfless way to live and practice daily.

 

Your husband needs counseling and therapy. You do, too because you're not only reeling from your husband's behaviors towards you, you're healing from a toxic, dysfunctional home life.

 

The "why don't you just get over it?" is a way of downplaying and totally dismissing your feelings which is true disrespect. It's another way of saying, "I don't care what you think and it's all in the past~" Until it happens again which it will. The "why don't you just get over it?" retort is his way of shutting you down and giving him a free excusable pass which is infuriating. Then you're perceived as a major drama queen. It's a form of gaslighting. Google "gaslighting." Gaslighting is manipulating the conversation by forcing you to change your perception of the facts AND constantly deflecting attention away from the perpetrator onto YOU. Gaslighting is twisting your words and then you're left defending yourself ad nauseum and stomping out fire after fire in maddening, endless circles of fighting. Grow accustomed to this oldest psychological warfare trick in the book. I've given up on people who play this nasty mind game. I'm onto them and OUT. This despicable tactic is used to control and defeat you.

 

Study and educate yourself regarding human psychology and its serious mental disorders for which there is no cure. (Narcissism, gaslighting, mental influences and damage from abnormal, tumultuous family lives, observing disrespectful parents, etc.) It becomes generational. Hopefully you can stop this sick cycle.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

People either have empathy or they don't. . or varying degrees.

Based soley on what you've shared, your husband does not. He isn't magically going to grow some.

 

Empathy is part of the developmental process that happens as a child matures. If you miss that window of opportunity to teach or instill it, it's lost.

 

Having said that, it's not a lost cause. I think counseling would benefit you two. He may not be empathetic but he can learn AND does have the 'choice' to be kind and considerate.

 

I can totally relate to your situation. My ex h was unempathetic and it's difficult to feel connected to an individual when it feels as if they can't see you or hear you. Add in the tension and conflict, things tend to go off the rails. There is never any consolation for you might be feeling and wounds are left unhealed and compounded.

 

on a side note, a lack of empathy is a hallmark sign of narcissism. I'm not trying to lead down the wrong path. . but it all feels slightly familiar. Narcissism is most often the side effect of a toxic upbringing.

 

I get there is a pandemic going on, but my guess is you'd have to wait a period of time to get in a to see a counselor if there wasn't. Tele-medicine is well under way and a great choice in the meantime

Edited by reinventmyself
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...