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Hello everyone,

 

I wondered if I could please have some advice. I don't want to ask my friends or family at the moment, as it seems so silly.

 

I was with my ex for a long long time. We were engaged and had a wedding booked. I then lost my dad and the grief just consumed me. My ex worked a lot and I wasn't a priority. We broke up last feb but soon got back together and made it work. In August however we broke up and I moved out in October.

 

Pretty much straight away he removed all pictures of me from that year (all others are there), removed me from social media and was out dating - very sadly from people our 'mutual' friends (NOT NOW) had set him up with. He acted fine, he acted cold when I would just sit and cry. From December for over 2 months I blocked him, I just didn't want someone to be like that with me when I still loved them. I reached out, I expressed how I felt to no avail. At the start of March, my mum asked for something on my behalf as I hadn't spoken to him - his response to her was that it was a shame that I didn't decide to reach out myself as it had been some time and he would always care for me..... So I rang him and said that it wasn't me trying to be unfair, but it had been some time and I believed it to be the best approach. 4 weeks ago, he had me in tears as he rang shouting at me and during that conversation told me he had met someone and was very happy. He hadn't gone looking for her but she 'fell on his lap' and he was enjoying it.

 

With the current pandemic, he has gone different. He will reply to messages, check in with how I am and if I need something and he has a missed call, he will call me back. One thing that is bizzare is that he has said to me 'he wishes I could just leave it on a nice message (as we often argue) where I make him smile, as the door is then open for future communication', 'that he loved me deeply'....but then the next sentence goes back to him being happy, him dating, his closest people knowing about her. He will then contradict again and say how he hasn't posted any pictures or shared where they have been, as he doesn't want to upset me and never will. Even if he was getting married, he would still not want to upset me. How he wishes he had an app on his phone where he could check if I was ok each day, how he doesnt want to not have pictures of me as I was the happiest years of his life, how I should add him on social media as he wants to know i'm happy - and when he feels it is right he will accept...and we should now be at the point where we can meet and go for coffee.

 

I love this man deeply, I never stopped, but I can't help but feel he is very confused. I have asked for a copy of a letter recently regarding our old home and he has ignored me, but If I had text for example saying I was blocking him, he would just ring me right away. Why does he fluctuate so much with being kind and then not being so nice? Am I best to just block him on everything and move forward? Why does he feel the need to tell me that he is 'happy' with someone?

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Sorry Jkno1. Ending a very long relationship is not easy. The sadness, anger, stress, etc could bring out the worst part of some people. It is not uncommon for exes to act hot/cold, aggressive, or confused like your ex does. You probably both need a lot more time to process the breakup and to heal from it.

 

Yes, it would be best for you to ignore his mood swings and focus on moving forward. Why does he act this way? He could be trying to make you jealous, to keep you around as a backup option, or just to get a reaction out of you so that he knows you are not over him. In any of these possibilities, he is doing what he's doing to make HIMSELF feel better, not you. He doesn't have your best interest in mind, or he would either be consistently kind or leave you alone so you can move on. Look out for yourself and don't let him play with your feelings.

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What he is doing isn't kind at all, it's completely selfish and even cruel. It's also known as stringing you along. The thing with that is that he can only do this to you for as long as you allow it. You can cut the string any time you want and be free. Cutting that string might seem scary but at the same time it's the healthiest and best decision for you, your future, and your own well being. Bottom line is that someone who genuinely loves you will never risk losing you. Wrap your head around that.

 

In your shoes, I'd block him from everything and work on healing and moving on. Some people are best loved from far far away and with time and distance.....your love will fade. You just have to give yourself a chance to move on. You don't tell him you will block him, btw, you just do. When you tell him, he begs, etc. You are just playing cruel games with yourself. His contact might make you feel better in that moment, like you have hope, like you are in control, like he cares.....but then there is reality - you are still broken up, he still dumped you and that's still where you are at. End the madness today and just block him already. No more contact whatsoever. Let it go.

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Sorry to hear this. You need to let go. Being friends is as volatile as the relationship itself was. Do not recruit family to contact him. He is with someone. Stop communicating with him. If it is something legal/financial you need, state it clearly in an email. You are hurting yourself and preventing your own healing and moving forward.

At the start of March, my mum asked for something on my behalf. (as we often argue)
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He's upset that things fell apart twice. Like you he invested, had hopes and dreams of a life with you. Unfortunately he's finding opportunity to take it out on you, to vent his frustration because things will never be that same. He fears that when you do meet someone it's going to kill him emotionally. In a weird way this is his way of healing, but it's unfair to you because he pulls you in, then dumps his anger on you. He needs to suck it up and leave you alone.

 

Cut your losses, this is over, and you need to invest your time grieving the loss of your relationship, and finally move on. Stop talking to him. There is nothing you can do or say to make this any different with him.

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I'm literally in the same boat so I totally get it. I was engaged too and had the wedding booked, then broke up in September-October. I continued to sporadically keep in touch with my ex as "friends". To be honest it was really not helping to move on. Then he told me he was with someone else now as well. I've blocked him on everything now.

 

Obviously the reason why you keep contacting your ex is because you still love him. He knows this, you've already told him many times how you feel. And it doesn't look like he's interested or willing to get back together. Not to mention he's got someone new now. If he wanted you back then surely he'd be with you now, and not some other woman? So unfortunately it might be time to block him now and go completely no contact. I think it's not really possible to move on unless you take the "out of sight, out of mind approach". That's what I had to do and it seems to be helping.

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He guilts you into being his friend and punishes you if you show any signs of how you really feel.

 

This is a difficult time for you and you dont need him injecting himself into your life on his terms.

 

Friend zoning you benefits him and eases his conscience.

 

Twisting yourself into accepting it keeps you from moving forward and confuses you.

 

Tell him maybe next year the two of you can be friendly, but for now it just leads to further misunderstandings and it's not fair to his current girlfriend.

 

If anything changes in the meantime to let you know. But between now and then you wont be communicating any further.

 

Does his girlfriend know you two are communicating?

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Thank you.

 

I don’t imagine she does know. He tells me she asks about me and if we communicate - but I can’t imagine anyone wants an ex fiancé of 5 years in his life. He still lives in the house we bought together.

 

I will do what you said, although I have decided that I don’t wish to have communication with him. It’s too Bizzare and he goes from one thing to the next which I just don’t want in my life. One minute he’s got me in tears and the next saying he hopes we’ll meet up, that we’ll bump into eachother, that he wants good things for me, I’m the nicest girl he’s ever met. It’s made me so upset, which I didn’t think he’d ever do to me.

 

I wanted him back very much, but I think the best approach is to leave him to it and the person he’s dating

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One minute he’s got me in tears and the next saying he hopes we’ll meet up, that we’ll bump into eachother, that he wants good things for me, I’m the nicest girl he’s ever met. It’s made me so upset, which I didn’t think he’d ever do to me.

 

If I ended a relationship and began another there is no way I'd be contacting the ex, especially in light of the fact I knew he still had hopes and feelings and say these things to him.

 

It's cruel, selfish and it would confuse him. It would possibly prevent him from moving on and finding the love he deserves.

 

He's aware he upsets you and is being manipulative.

Not to mention it's disrespectful and a form of emotionally cheating on his new girlfriend.

If I found out my boyfriend was doing this to someone else, it would end our relationship.

 

Feel sorry for her and be thankful he's not your boyfriend anymore.

He could very well be doing the same thing behind your back with someone else.

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Thank you for this. I completely agree, I’ve said it to him that it’s disrespectful. He’ll tell me he won’t post anything to do with her up to now as he doesn’t want to upset me. He’s so worried about not talking or me being in a mood with him. I just can’t make sense of it anymore.

 

I have blocked and removed him from everything now

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