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Okay guys, lay some insightful love on me!

 

A little over a week ago my ex girlfriend and I broke up when it became clear that I would likely be moving for my new job in a few months. She doesn’t want a long distance relationship and she didn’t want to get more attached by continuing to date while we waited to see for sure if I’d be moving. Understandable. And to be really clear, she gave an ultimatum but I ended up being the one to say “we should end this.”

 

There was one “oops I messed up, I don’t care where you live I love you” email from her a couple of days after we split. I didn’t reply. Then a single text the next day “did I get her email?” And I told her I was going no contact.

 

Today I got the NSA booty call text and I didn’t reply. JUST NOW I got a text explaining that she is losing her house and she knows it’s not the smartest choice because she “misses me and my touch” but she just wants to get physical and get her mind off of things.

 

I know I can’t just have sex, I’m not wired like that. I’d be all up in my feelings and it would seriously retard my healing. What I find tempting is the idea that I could text or talk on the phone with her and be a good listener and a supportive friend. And maybe this is egotistical, but my fear with that is that she’ll take it as a sign that there’s a chance. That I’ll be unintentionally stringing her along, or that I will have to break up with her all over again on the phone if she attempts to win me back.

 

I don’t think she is being intentionally manipulative, is she? Like actively trying to figure out a way to work her way back in to a relationship? I get the impression she’s trying to “fix” on me, and the possibility of getting back together is a bonus side effect in her mind? Maybe it doesn’t matter what her intent is? Feels cold af to ignore/block her after hearing news like losing her house - but I’m willing to do whatever the kindest thing is, whatever difficult feelings I have around that.

 

Thoughts?

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Yes, she is searching for a way to get your attention IMO. She tried the backpedal, then sex, now she's going the pity route.

 

"Kind" would be you not giving her false hope. I bet her friends are telling her you wouldn't engage with her if you didn't still love her and want to be with her.

 

If you feel like you absolutely must engage with her for whatever reason, do NOT have sex with her! Do not offer to "help", do not tell her you're there for her anytime she needs you. You can express sympathy for her situation but do not make any offers of any kind. And do NOT go to her place!

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I think you should not talk to her unless you really want to, I think she wants you back and is doing her best to try to make that happen. If you do contact her she will likely think she has a chance to win you back. Unless you want that, dont do it.

 

If you dont want to talk to her it's time to delete and block her from your phone and any social media.

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I guess that’s the crux of the question...can I talk to her WITHOUT giving false hope? Is that even a possibility? She isn’t my girlfriend any more, so maybe it’s best to just remain radio silent?

 

Am I an azzhole if I choose to ignore her texts?

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I think you should not talk to her unless you really want to, I think she wants you back and is doing her best to try to make that happen. If you do contact her she will likely think she has a chance to win you back. Unless you want that, dont do it.

 

If you dont want to talk to her it's time to delete and block her from your phone and any social media.

 

Didn’t see your post when I put my last reply up...this gets straight to the point and I appreciate your thoughtful reply.

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I guess that’s the crux of the question...can I talk to her WITHOUT giving false hope? Is that even a possibility? She isn’t my girlfriend any more, so maybe it’s best to just remain radio silent?

 

Am I an azzhole if I choose to ignore her texts?

 

You can tell her that you're sorry about what happened. But again, do not offer support, help, a shoulder to cry on, don't tell her you're there for her if she needs you...and most certainly do not accept her offer of sex. Unless you want to have to disentangle yourself again.

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I guess that’s the crux of the question...can I talk to her WITHOUT giving false hope? Is that even a possibility? She isn’t my girlfriend any more, so maybe it’s best to just remain radio silent?

 

Am I an azzhole if I choose to ignore her texts?

 

Yup I get to the point! No I dont think you can talk to her without giving her false hope. Radio silence is a very good plan! No you are not an azzhole!. Like you said, she's not your gf, you dont have an obligation to her. If you are done, then you are done. Block and delete and work on moving on.

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So this is where I’m leaving it for now:

 

I decided not to reply whatsoever tonight. If I wake up tomorrow and feel the need to say anything, then I’ll re-evaluate in the morning. Otherwise, I will just keep on keepin’ on.

 

I decided not to try to date, or even browse OLD profiles during “lamer at home” quarantine time...because as much as I love to exchange some texts or have an occasional video call, the thought alone of endless chit-chat absolutely tires me out. I’m a big believer in meeting up for a chemistry check as soon as you have a spark of interest, and since that isn’t happening then I’m just using this time to focus on my career and my spiritual fitness. Wow, that was quite a tangent, lol. Better to type too much than talk to myself though?

 

Thank you ladies, for chiming in tonight and helping me stay sane-ish.

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Don't try to figure her out. Keep in mind, she is your ex-girlfriend so keep it this way. Text her that you wish her well and it's time for both of you to go your separate ways. Tell her you are in NC (no contact) mode. It's not cold to block her AFTER you've given her fair warning.

 

As for her losing her house, it's not your problem. It's HER problem. She's a big girl and her house is HER responsibility.

 

My thoughts are: Be kind and fair to yourself. You need to move on with your life.

 

Cut it off with her so you two can start anew with your own lives. Remaining in contact is unhealthy and you can never let go for real. It's time to sever ties permanently so both of you can heal.

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Yep agree about the value of NC. , I’m thinking I will not respond at all since I already gave her the NC warning. I said a little prayer & I’ll see how things feel after sleeping on it.

 

I would like to explore the possibility of being friends down the line, so I’m not going to do anything permanent - but you’re so right about not being able to heal properly while maintaining any communication. Not gonna lie, she tugged the heartstrings this afternoon with the losing her house news, but by pausing and giving myself time to process, rather than reacting (and with help from the lovely ladies of ENA) I think I’ve come to the opinion that doing and saying nothing is the kindest choice today.

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Being friends with her won't work. She is too unstable and insecure and will only drag you down. Before you know it, her problems will become YOUR problems. Don't get roped into her drama. Beware.

 

Treat an ex-girlfriend like an ex-girlfriend. There's no such thing as being friends post break up because it's too awkward and eventually, her stressful life will become YOUR stress.

 

If you still want to remain friends, you need her which is unhealthy. No one can move on when both of you are still in contact.

 

If you've arrived at your own conclusions, do what you think is best.

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It sounds like you're both sort of going through the same thing.

 

Why don't you meet her halfway and say, "Listen, I think we're both a little stir-crazy because of the current circumstances. We've talked about this during saner times, and both of us know that this relationship is not going to work out. I think we should make a clean break now, like we would if we weren't both stuck in a holding pattern. If we keep going back and forth like this, we're just going to make things a mess for us."

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It sounds like you're both sort of going through the same thing.

 

Why don't you meet her halfway and say, "Listen, I think we're both a little stir-crazy because of the current circumstances. We've talked about this during saner times, and both of us know that this relationship is not going to work out. I think we should make a clean break now, like we would if we weren't both stuck in a holding pattern. If we keep going back and forth like this, we're just going to make things a mess for us."

 

This is probably what I'd end up doing.

 

Whether there is healthy communication in the future, or something like friendship, or just peace, you're smart enough to know it's not going to come from a post-breakup quarantine collision. Looking back at the ending of my healthiest relationships, it's inevitable that there's some static and friction in the wake of them ending—emotional exhaust fumes, is how I think of it. This is that, basically, and neither of you gets anything but inhaling them.

 

Putting it out there as Jib suggested is basically owning that, with heart and grace, and while you can't control her it might give you the platform you need to move on, and forward, and give yourself the time you need to process.

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I agree with everything that’s been said - in fact, I agree to the point that we’ve *already had* that conversation haha. So I just didn’t respond to her texts from yesterday. I feel like “trying again” to explain that it’s over would be counterproductive. In other words, breaking no contact to reinforce no contact seems like the wrong play in my mind.

 

What Cherylyn is saying about severing all ties completely and forever makes a lot of sense, but in my experience it’s just been a little different. I had a good friendship with one ex (we’ve since parted ways, but no hard feelings it just seemed to run its course) and I’m still friends with another ex. Then there’s my ex wife: I couldn’t describe us as friends per se (our only interaction is as co-parents,) but we get along great and I have utmost respect for her. When we do have occasion to briefly catch up I enjoy our time together very much and wish the best for her. These three friendly relationships definitely all came after a NC “cooling off period” and that’s why I think you’re all right about that. And let’s be honest: I‘ve definitely had breakups that I wanted to be permanent, lol.

 

So after a good night’s sleep I’ve decided to just not respond. It really sucks that she is losing her house but in my estimation it’s impossible for me to offer her empathy or to find out what the whole story around that is without stirring up her feelings even more than they obviously already are. I don’t want to light a fire I don’t intend to stoke and maintain. I REALLY don’t want to offer false hope or string anyone along.

Edited by Skeptic76
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Skeptic76. It's good that ever since you've slept on it, you've since reconsidered. It's better not to respond. Yes, losing her house is unfortunate but there's nothing you can do and remember, it's not your problem anyway. She is responsible for her financial situation which is not your domain.

 

I agree, never string anyone along because it is deceitful and deception is unforgivable.

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Didn't read all the comments properly but basically, yes, she's trying to get you back. And, no, don't talk to her unless you genuinely want to get back together. If it's over then I think it's best you totally ignore her. Maybe send her a quick message wishing her all the best and then actually block on everything. It may seem harsh but it's for her own good.

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I'm with Bolt's sig:

The cause of the pain is NEVER the cure for the pain.

 

Attempts to play social worker with an ex aren't kind or helpful. They make a mess that drills both of you into a deeper hole to climb out of.

 

If you're not willing to consider reconciling with her, please don't go there.

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You did the right thing. It's time to really move on with your life, Skeptic76.

 

I dated her for four months, then I ended it with her when things didn’t seem to be aligned all that good. I considered replying to a text she sent less than a week later but decided against it.

 

It’s time to really move on with my life?

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