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Should I stop being friends with her?


ElizaJ

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Hi, guys. I'm new here and I need help urgently. Sorry if this ends up being too long.

So I have been friends with this girl for nearly four years. I found her on Twitter and we both liked the same band so we bonded over that. We both were teenagers back then. I was nineteen and older than her. We didn't talk about anything except that band and we weren't that close. Then things changed. I stopped liking that band though she didn't. I became uninterested in talking to her but I felt obligated to keep her as a friend.

As we started talking about things other than that band I realized she and I had nothing in common. I deleted my Twitter to stop talking to her. But then she started emailing me and I remembered I had given her my email address long ago. I didn't want to keep talking to her but she couldn't take a hint.

We have very different values. We like very different things. She hates on some of my role models. She supports people I don't like. We have different political views, different religions, different food habits.

We bonded over another fact that we were both going through depression when we first talked. But I'm trying to get better. I'm trying to get therapy and build a healthy lifestyle. But she keeps saying therapy is useless and we're never going to get better. She needs help but she doesn't want it. Whenever I talk to her, I end up feeling demotivated. It's like she's dragging me down. I kept telling myself she was too young. But she's not a teen anymore. We're both grown up but she still chooses to act immature and self destructive on purpose.

I mentioned our morals were different. I kept trying to ignore that. But yesterday she said she doesn't see any problem with incest or pedophilia. I was shocked. This was the last straw for me. I'm sorry if I offend anyone but I'm not okay with these things. She's twenty one now I think she's old enough to understand the problems too.

I feel like this friendship is not benefitting either of us in any way. I don't want to continue this because I think life is too short to be wasted behind people we don't like. But I feel guilty about leaving her. And I'm scared of confrontations. What should I do?

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Simply delete and block her and all her people from All your devices, contact lists, social media and messaging apps. Then make an appointment with a doctor for an evaluation and referral to a therapist. You are trying to get better, she is just getting weirder.

 

Use this time to completely redo and reset your social media to get rid of dead weight and negative influences. Join some uplifting groups and clubs online, focus on friends, family, education and career.

 

Volunteer helping people get food or deliveries or walking pets, whatever. Work in an essential business for extra cash. When you are busy with good people doing good things, trolls like this negativity twitterer just go away.

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OMG!!!!!!! >>>>> "...she doesn't see any problem with incest or pedophilia." HUGE red flag!

 

To be blunt, her issues are her problem, not yours. She is NOT your responsibility, Eliza. Do what Wiseman said: Simply delete and block her and all her people from All your devices, contact lists, social media and messaging apps.

 

Don't feel guilty; you owe her nothing. People move on, and that's what you have to do, without her. NOW! Please, you don't need this toxicity in your life. Don't allow her to drag you down.

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She is one sick puppy.

 

I agree with others. Tell her it's time to go your separate ways, wish her all the best and say your final good-byes. That is her fair warning. If she is relentless after your diplomatic, polite and respectful departure, then ghost, block and delete permanently. Adios.

 

You can handle this situation with class and be non-confrontational. Be gentle yet firm and FINAL.

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Change your email address. That way she cant contact you through a new email of her own.

 

Just blow her off.... internet friends are not the same as real friends. Anyone can pose as anyone because of some other bad intentions.

 

They could be challenging your boundaries in order to manipulate you...

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I’ve had to “break up” with a friend before. He ended up briefly challenging my integrity and my loyalty and basically called me a jerk (in coarser language, lol.) Like you it seemed daunting before I told him I didn’t want to be his friend anymore, and for a short time afterwards I did have some guilt/remorse. But I gotta tell you...when you really know, when you’re finally at the end of your rope with somebody who doesn’t mesh with your life anymore and you do the right thing (the authentic/not-fake thing) and say goodbye it REALLY takes a weight off of your shoulders.

 

You’re not a jerk, you’re not disloyal, you’re growing and changing.

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If you dont like confrontation just block and delete her on all social media, and your phone and get a new email address. If you want to actually tell her you are done, then tell her you are moving on in your life, you wish her well, and then block and delete. You are in no way obligated to remain in any type of contact with her. You'll feel a lot better once you do this.

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I'm trying to get better. I'm trying to get therapy and build a healthy lifestyle. But she keeps saying therapy is useless and we're never going to get better.

 

This is all I would need to tell someone that our friendship isn't working for me anymore. "There are things that I really like and respect about you, and that's why I need to stop contact while we both still think highly of one another. I'm committed to my therapy and getting well. When you criticize that and tell me therapy is useless, it prevents me from wanting to continue our friendship. So let's go our separate ways, and if you ever decide that getting help for depression is worth your while, and you feel up for an inspirational friendship rather than a demotivating one, you can let me know. If I feel able to catch up with you then, I'll let you know. Meanwhile, I wish you the best."

 

Then you're done. You've been honest, and you've left a door open to change even while you've retained control over your own choices in the future about ever reconnecting.

 

Head high, and keep on healing.

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Thanks a lot, everyone. Your advices have made me a lot more confident in my decision. I kept thinking my decision was unfair to her, but I'm glad everyone agreed that I owe her nothing.

I've decided to gradually reduce communication with her because leaving immediately while we were talking would be too confrontational and I'm scared. If she still can't take a hint I'll tell her our differences politely and block her if necessary. I can just ignore her emails then.

Thanks again for the help. I made the right decision to ask for advice instead of being confused on my own.

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Listen, the incest and paedophilia comments aside (which are enough to end a friendship), you don't actually owe it to anyone to be their friend. Especially a person on the Internet that you've never actually met in real life. I mean no offence but I personally don't see purely online friendships as "real" friendships because to truly know someone, you need to know them in real life and to see them in all kinds of different situations.

 

But regardless, friendships should be a choice. We can't choose our family, colleagues or classmates, but we can choose our friends. You are right that in order for a friendship to work, you need to have similar interests, beliefs and values. If you don't have that then the friendship simply can't work. Don't feel bad if you don't want to be friends with someone. You don't have to be rude or mean but you don't have to force yourself to be friends either. You shouldn't have had to delete your whole Twitter just because of that girl. You could have just said to her that you don't think the friendship is working. Wished her all the best, then blocked. You can block her E-mails too. Life is too short to waste on people you don't actually want in your life.

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