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I don’t know how to feel about any of this?


Cindylee23
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Hi, I’m new to these forums and I apologise in advance if this is a lengthy post. My boyfriend and I have been together for around 6 months, we’re full time college students during the weekdays so we see each other on the weekends. However, due to covid19 the UK has been put on lockdown so I assumed maybe now that we have more time we would at least talk via video call and we have, but only 3 times. Apparently once a week (a Saturday) is enough because lockdown will seem longer if he talks to me more??? Anyway! I didn’t think much of it, I was a bit bummed because he makes time to call his college friends every day, but can only seem to make time on a Saturday night for me. I started to overthink when a friend of mine asked if we take advantage of our free time and video call more often and when I told her we’ve talked a total of 3 times in 5 weeks, she was absolutely shocked. Then came last Saturday, we of course planned to video call but he put it off as he had an exam soon and wanted to get his sleep schedule back on track. Now I was completely understanding of this, I wanna see him do well in his exams. But as it hit 4am (I have a terrible sleep schedule also) he then told me he was tired because he was on video call with his friends watching movies the entire night. This just hurt me a little because he told me he couldn’t call me because of exams, but stayed up video calling friends anyway? I’m not the jealous type at all, I would’ve appreciated it a lot more if he told me he just wanted to talk to his friends that night. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to feel, do I have the right to feel hurt by it? Should he want to make time for me now that we don’t really have busy schedules? I’m not a needy girlfriend at all, I always try to be understanding as I don’t like arguing or confrontation. Its not like I’m asking him to call me every day every hour, I just don’t want to be on a schedule when we don’t have to be anymore. Is that selfish? I’m not sure how i should feel really. Again I’m so sorry about the lengthy post! I’m urgently needing a bit of advice, so any advice is really appreciated! Thank you:)

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Personally I don’t enjoy video calling. Maybe I’m weird but it just isn’t my thing? Now, if it was important to my girlfriend (and I was aware of that,) of course I would make time to video chat with her from time to time.

 

You mentioned it might be possible that he made an excuse to hang out with the boys instead of video chat with you recently... I don’t know you guys but I can tell you I’ve had women kindly let me off the hook from that kind of thing, before I grew a spine and spoke directly to people. It went something like “Hey, I notified after you told me that you had to study so you couldn’t FaceTime with me that you stayed up all night on a video call with your buddies. If you ever want to hang out with the boys I just want you to know that you never have to tiptoe around or make excuses with me...I’m pretty awesome and I like a man who can be direct. 😎” Basically call him out in a non-confrontational way. Check him without having to rub his nose in it?

 

Anyways, I’ll also be interested to hear what bf response was when you brought your issue to him.

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You're not getting what you need out of this relationship and you're trapping yourself.

 

He chooses to talk to his friends over talking to you. He lies to you about it and you let it go. You minimize your own feelings.

 

You make everything he does ok, and are afraid to stand up for yourself because you don't want to look needy or jealous.

 

My advice to you: don't be so influenced over how you may look to others. Believe me, it's better to look needy than to actually be needy.

 

Asking for what you want may look needy to some people. But settling for less than what you want actually is needy.

 

Yes, you have the right to be hurt and to admit that you are hurt and/or even jealous. You should admit these things. They inform you of your own boundaries, wants, and needs.

 

You are not needy because you want more of your boyfriend's attention. You are not needy if you feel hurt or jealous.

 

You are needy if you are willing to deny or erase your own thoughts and feelings in order to be accepted by your boyfriend.

 

You are needy if you remain with someone who does not accept you as you are, and you defend his preferences and change yourself to suit them.

 

You are needy if you think that admitting your feelings and asking for what you want makes you look needy.

 

You should accept your feelings and defend them. What kind of boyfriend puts his girlfriend dead last like this? Not a good one, I'll tell you that.

 

Ask for what you want and be firm about it. Have confidence in the fact that you aren't deranged. If he won't rise to meet you there, on to the next guy.

 

By the way, admitting your feelings and asking for what you want makes you brave.

Edited by Jibralta
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You're not getting what you need out of this relationship and you're trapping yourself.

 

He chooses to talk to his friends over talking to you. He lies to you about it and you let it go. You minimize your own feelings.

 

You make everything he does ok, and are afraid to stand up for yourself because you don't want to look needy or jealous.

 

My advice to you: don't be so influenced over how you may look to others. Believe me, it's better to look needy than to actually be needy.

 

Asking for what you want may look needy to some people. But settling for less than what you want actually is needy.

 

Yes, you have the right to be hurt and to admit that you are hurt and/or even jealous. You should admit these things. They inform you of your own boundaries, wants, and needs.

 

You are not needy because you want more of your boyfriend's attention. You are not needy if you feel hurt or jealous.

 

You are needy if you are willing to deny or erase your own thoughts and feelings in order to be accepted by your boyfriend.

 

You are needy if you remain with someone who does not accept you as you are, and you defend his preferences and change yourself to suit them.

 

You are needy if you think that admitting your feelings and asking for what you want makes you look needy.

 

You should accept your feelings and defend them. What kind of boyfriend puts his girlfriend dead last like this? Not a good one, I'll tell you that.

 

Ask for what you want and be firm about it. Have confidence in the fact that you aren't deranged. If he won't rise to meet you there, on to the next guy.

 

By the way, admitting your feelings and asking for what you want makes you brave.

Go Jibralta!

 

So true! OP, you have every say in this relationship. Don't be super quick to dump someone but make your needs and feelings known. If he knows and doesn't change, then he deserves to lose a good woman

 

If you can get one boyfriend, damn straight, you can get another.

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’m not the jealous type at all, I would’ve appreciated it a lot more if he told me he just wanted to talk to his friends that night. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to feel, do I have the right to feel hurt by it? Should he want to make time for me now that we don’t really have busy schedules? I’m not a needy girlfriend at all, I always try to be understanding as I don’t like arguing or confrontation. Its not like I’m asking him to call me every day every hour, I just don’t want to be on a schedule when we don’t have to be anymore. Is that selfish? I’m not sure how i should feel really.

 

Welcome Cindy!

 

There is really no "should" or "shouldn't," "right" or "wrong" in this. You feel what you feel and need what you need. Don't let anybody tell you that you shouldn't feel this way or should feel that way, or that you are being jealous, needy, or selfish to express your feelings and needs. People all have different needs and preferences. I personally prefer daily contact/calling but I know and respect people who are more comfortable with a lower frequency. It doesn't make their needs more legitimate than mine, or me needier than them. Discuss your needs and preferences with your bf and see if you can meet each other halfway. Knowing and communicating what you want show strength and confidence, and who doesn't like a confident girl?

 

Now that you've had this little episode where your boyfriend seems to have prioritized video chatting with his friends over his exam, sleeping schedule or chatting with you. You are understandably hurt and maybe a little angry. These are very valid feelings and I can say his behavior would not sit well with most girls I know. But if you don't think he was intentionally neglecting you or in general dismissive of your needs (how was your relationship before all this?), you may want to approach it with a calmer head and start with explaining your feelings and how you prefer things to be, instead of focusing on what he did. Listen to what he says and if he deflects the issue, gets angry or tells you you are needy, then you know he's not the right person for you.

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It's not an issue of whether or not he "likes" video chatting because he is up until 4am video-chatting with his friends but can only manage to talk to you

 

Call him out. Ask him via phone call (not message) why he only wants to talk to you once a week but then talks to his friends all the time? See what he says. Regardless of what he says, it's clear you're not a priority.

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Goggle "Zoom fatigue". People are getting exhausted and frustrated not only from the isolation, but excessive videochats. try to not cling this much and text all day out of boredom.

 

Get more involved with friends, family, interests, other students, volunteer, get a part time job in an essential business. Stay busy and entertained on your own more. etc. It seems after 6 mos of dating all the cyber contact is wearing thin.

he was tired because he was on video call with his friends watching movies the entire night.
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He texts you everyday because texting takes little effort and it frees him up to do other things. Due to the lack of being able to physically see each other, he's on a disconnect with your relationship. I think you have put up with it long enough....he ain't worth your time. IMO you shouldn't have to tell someone how to treat you. When you become less of a priority over everything else in his life, the writing is on the wall.

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The first thing to ask yourself is "Do you really want to have video calls this much with him", video calls are only a way to communicate, nowadays with all the technologies, we tend to forget that the main point is to communicate.

As long as u two do talk and communicate in a proper way, which should make u talk to him about this matter too, than i don't see a big deal about not having video calls.

Maybe it's easier with his friends, maybe he prefers texting with you, instead of overthinking or looking for someone to blame, try asking him and discuss it the two of you together. If you like it this much, tell him so that he can clearly get it.

 

And as i said it earlier, focus on communicating not on the ways u use, that's how it should be... Good luck!

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