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I feel bad for leaving him...


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I'm sorry, this will probably be long. I don't have many people that know the whole story, plus, my life's a mess and I don't like many people knowing it.

 

My husband and I were together 13 years and apparently he was unhappy for most of those years. He did lots of things that were red flags, even in the beginning, but I let it go, he apologized and then we kept it moving. I was honestly happy for the most part. The only thing I ever asked of him was to help out more. We have two kids together, both work full time, plus their activities. Busy a lot of the time, but I just thought normal family life. Well, apparently he hated it and resented me for a lot of stuff. I resented him, too, though, so I'm not innocent. We both said things that we shouldn't have. I suggested counseling, he wanted nothing to do with it. We barely had sex the last year we were together. When we did, he would literally pull out his phone and start watching it in the middle of it and that made me feel so unattractive and unwanted. Through out the years, the maturbation and the phone have always been a problem. I'd wake up to him masturbating. I get it, he's a man. It didn't bother me. Until one day, I took the phone from him and it was pictures of one of my friends that he took off of Facebook. I was so hurt. And again, it wasn't the first time he'd done something like that. When we were first married, I found a Myspace account that was his but it had a picture of my sister on it and it said that she was his wife. So many things to hurt me. And I tried to forget about it and move on after he'd apologize, but they were always in the back of my mind.

 

But anyway, the last year before he told me that he wasn't happy, he started really talking to someone instead of talking to me. Finally in March 2018, he tells me that he wants out and that he's depressed and unhappy. That he wanted to move to Massachusetts (where his family was) and that he would see the kids on the school breaks! And then in June, he leaves, right before our daughter's 5th grade graduation (which he told her he'd be back for, but he didn't come back). He just left his job, cleared out his 401k, left me $6000 and was gone. Came back 2 weeks later, after he gets dumped (didn't know all that until later). I don't move out, just because I have this feeling of being a loser living at my parents house at 33 with my two kids. So for the last two years, we've been living in the same house, separate rooms, while I did everything by myself and he stayed locked away in his room, depressed.

 

So, this year, in January, he tells me about all the women that he's been sleeping with and that the one he's with now might be pregnant and that he messed up so much but that he was going to ask me to work it out again, but it was too late because she was pregnant. This is when I learn the truth about everything. And then I don't know what to do, except stay away from him and I barely talked to him for awhile. Then, because I'm an idiot and I feel sorry for him, I told him that maybe we could work it out. But then he out no effort in trying to work it out, so whatever. I finally decided to leave and move into my parents house, even if I still have to help pay some of the bills for awhile. But of course, quarantine happens, my mom is vulnerable and I still have to work, so I don't want to bring anything into her house, so I'm stuck here.

 

I will say, I'm an idiot, and obviously, a glutton for punishment because I reconnected with an ex, that is just as bad, but we're just keeping it friendly. But my husband is not happy with that and since, has been super nice to me and actually kind of involved with the kids. He's been shopping for furniture, online, and asking me what kind of vacation we should take the kids on when this is all over. And then told me that I should come back to the bedroom, if it was ok with my "friend". And I'm just like seriously??? What is going on?

 

I don't want to get back with him, in any way shape or form, but I'm the type of person that can feel sorry for anyone. So a part of me feels bad for leaving now and feels like I'll end up staying. Plus, again, I don't feel very attractive and feel lonely and feel like if I leave, I'll be alone forever 😞. And I wish that wasn't a feeling I had, but it is. And I haven't been alone in so long that I don't even know how and I'm afraid. And I'd feel bad if he was alone, so I'd sacrifice my happiness and stay with him.

 

I need a therapist so bad and I'm ok sometimes, but sometimes I just feel so alone and sad. I'm sorry.

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You reconnected with an ex. You have to have something going for you if were able to attract someone without even trying.

How old are you, may I ask?... Your last comment sounded very defeated, as if your life had already passed you by.

I get being afraid to take that leap. I did it and I didn't look back. All that unknown can be very exiting, if you want it to be. You get to create another life to your liking. You just get the backbone to do it.

 

One foot in front of the other.

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You reconnected with an ex. You have to have something going for you if were able to attract someone without even trying.

How old are you, may I ask?... Your last comment sounded very defeated, as if your life had already passed you by.

I get being afraid to take that leap. I did it and I didn't look back. All that unknown can be very exiting, if you want it to be. You get to create another life to your liking. You just get the backbone to do it.

 

One foot in front of the other.

 

Also have been there. Terrified to leave a situation I logically knew was siiiiiiiiiiiick 😷 In fact I left two times before the third time “stuck” and we divorced.

 

It’s counterintuitive but once you make the decision to leave and act on it, your self image and self confidence can soar. After all, you’ve harnessed your power and made a decision to love yourself by ACTING with love and self-dignity.

 

Nobody is going to think you’re a loser for moving back in with your parents or renting a little studio or whatever. They’re going to be proud of you for having the guts to leave your azzhole husband.

 

If you stay I do not believe you will be able to make peace with the situation and with yourself....

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I don't feel very attractive and feel lonely and feel like if I leave, I'll be alone forever 😞.

 

Based on what you wrote, you ARE already alone and you 've been alone for the past two years (at least). Based on what you wrote your "husband" does not contribute anything positive to your life and has not contributed anything positive for ages. Imo, it's not that you'd feel bad if he was alone, it's that you are afraid of the unknown that lies ahead of you once you leave. Once you realize that you have in fact been already alone for a long time now, you will be able to leave him just fine. In my opinion, what you are afraid of (i.e. the unknown) cannot be any worse than your current situation. In fact, it has a high chance to turn out for the best.

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Legally a spouse can't remove money from a 401K without a spouse signing off on that, so how did that happen? Where is the money now? Don't start a relationship with someone else before ending the one you're in, even if it's bad. Your ex isn't someone upstanding to be paying attention to a married woman, so that's not going to pan out. You need to concentrate on your children right now, and make sure they are adjusting to the separation and divorce, if you wisely choose to go that route.

 

It's okay to feel bad about a divorce. You're not a robot. But he's a cheater which should be a dealbreaker for you. Get a lawyer. See if your signature was falsely garnered if the 401K money was removed so the lawyer can address that. The lawyer might tell you to move back into the house for your own financial benefit and rights to it (I know men are told it's bad for them to leave the house). In many states, when you've been married at least 10 years, you're entitled to half of his retirement savings at the point of divorce. You're also entitled to half of his pension, if he has one, upon retirement.

 

If he's on any of your credit cards or bank accounts, remove his name and access to them. He's probably more afraid of paying child support and alimony rather than losing you as a lifetime parter, since he clearly doesn't love you. That's probably why he's acting as if you two have a future right now.

 

Even people in their 80s and 90s find new romantic partners, so it's ridiculous to think you'd be alone forever. It's smart to be alone, though, at least a year or two while you find yourself again and get your kids established into their new life. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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Your whole focus has been on him and what has happened in the past and your interaction with him,....how about this...stop thinking about it. That's probably why you feel better at times, because it's not on your mind. Get busy with things, like clean out your closets, toss out things that you don't need, paint, grow a garden, take up a hobby...fill your day and your thoughts on positive things, things that make you happy. Life isn't about him, it's about you.

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So your entire relationship has been all about him while he cheats, lies, and contributes literally nothing, but is happy to steal your mutual earned funds to run off wh@ring and you feel bad for him? Please tell me you are seeing the absurdity of that. Also, it's pretty arrogant on your part to think you are so great that a grown adult man just can't live without your help.

 

There are psychiatrists and therapists available on the phone - call them. Also, get the book called "leave a cheater gain a life". Read it and then read it again and again until it sinks in. Also, google codependence - you have a bad case of that.

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Based on what you wrote, you ARE already alone and you 've been alone for the past two years (at least). Based on what you wrote your "husband" does not contribute anything positive to your life and has not contributed anything positive for ages. Imo, it's not that you'd feel bad if he was alone, it's that you are afraid of the unknown that lies ahead of you once you leave. Once you realize that you have in fact been already alone for a long time now, you will be able to leave him just fine. In my opinion, what you are afraid of (i.e. the unknown) cannot be any worse than your current situation. In fact, it has a high chance to turn out for the best.

 

Exactly.

 

Your husband is a complete wanker.

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Talk to an attorney privately and confidentially. Just as a start to discuss your options in divorce. Check your credit scores, bank accounts, credit cards etc. He will leave you/your child destitute if you foolishly remain married. For some reason you seem to think you are dating and that the marital assets are not yours or not affected by his activity. Are you legally married? Does he have drug, alcohol or untreated psychiatric problems?

 

You are far too focused on all your past pain, your hurts, etc. Almost as though masochism or martyrdom were a badge of honor for you. Stay in your own room, keep all your social media, passwords, etc private. Focus on your children and make sure you are working on securing a viable income. Do all this without talking at him about your feelings, your hurts, your outrage, etc.

 

Get to a physician to discuss what is going on and for a complete evaluation. This type of inertia and excess focus on pain, emotions, etc may indicate some sort of depression or other treatable condition. Ask for a referral to a therapist and if you could be at risk for STDs. Focus on your kids, they don't need a martyr they need a mother. Yes it's sad but when you start reaching out to the appropriate professionals, friends, family, coworkers, etc you won't feel so alone.

my husband is not happy. told me that I should come back to the bedroom
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Until one day, I took the phone from him and it was pictures of one of my friends that he took off of Facebook. I was so hurt. And again, it wasn't the first time he'd done something like that. When we were first married, I found a Myspace account that was his but it had a picture of my sister on it and it said that she was his wife.

 

^This part reminded me of another thread (below). I'm surprised that you've minimized it, because I think it's a big deal.

 

A month ago I found out in the past (just after 2 years into our relationship) he looked at/masturbated to photos of my one actual best friend. Which I don't talk to anymore cause it hurts. Not only that but to my older sister as well... https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=564266

 

Any chance you're also Gracie77?

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