Heartbroken and confused. Lied to as well?

[MissCanuck]

She gave several reasons why we weren't compatible due to how I apparently replied or acted when people in her circle would ask me about my job. I remember those times as clear as day and I didn't act or reply in the way she said I did. I told her this, she went quiet and got embarrassed, then said that she was mistaken and wasn't sure why she'd say that.

 

She's searching for reasons that will convince you enough to stop pestering her to explain herself.

 

In other words, she doesn't know how else to tell you what she's already told you, so she's grasping at straws to get you to stop questioning her. She's already given you legitimate reasons why it's over for her. It's time to accept what she told you, my friend.

 

Calling her in 2 or 3 weeks isn't going to make any difference to the outcome. She's fine being friends with you; it's not a signal she wants to try again in 2 or 3 weeks. This is just her way of getting you to back off for a bit and give her the breathing room she's been asking for. It's an attempt to get you to accept her decision.

[Basicboybria]

She's searching for reasons that will convince you enough to stop pestering her to explain herself.

In other words, she doesn't know how else to tell you what she's already told you, so she's grasping at straws to get you to stop questioning her.

 

I should have made this clearer. She brought this up first in the breakup before any other reason, before I even said anything, so wasn't a clutching at straws thing or anything because the breakup had only just started.

 

Her last words to me on the breakup was how we should still talk and be friends to help each other for the next week or two. She only told me yesterday that talking isn't best anymore because I told her it wasn't best, it was very clear she was happy to talk everyday since the breakup due to her texting and the fact she told me she wouldn't like me to cut contact with her.

 

I've given up hoping for anything in the future, I'm just curious and need closure. One thing I've learnt is that closure is healthy and helps a lot.

[MissCanuck]

What is your definition of closure?

[Basicboybria]

What is your definition of closure?

 

For me I just want an opinion from someone that doesn't know me or her, as I know I won't get an answer from her, and my family and friends will want to protect me so their answers will, and have been, protective some what.

 

I'll be honest in saying her actions from the break up and up till now are different than her words to me, especially during 'the talk'. I've been raised on it, and there's a reason the phrase 'actions speak louder than words' is so universally known. All I know is that if I didn't pull the NC message then she never would have, and that me pulling it is hurting her.

 

She's always struggled with swallowing her pride, her words herself and her actions in the past have proved that's a big issue for her, it consumes her. She said her brother is the same, just can't admit they're wrong. There were a few rows in our relationship where she couldn't admit she was wrong, when we both knew she was.

 

It doesn't matter if she wants to reconcile in the future, want me as a friend or just ask how I'm doing, the fact I mentioned NC means she'll never be able to message me. Her pride is her biggest obstacle, this may sound mean, but I find no pleasure in saying it.

 

I hope for her she can work on that as relationships are all about knowing when you're wrong and being able to swallow your pride.

 

I think I'm finally realising some of the issues that we had.

[MissCanuck]

For me I just want an opinion from someone that doesn't know me or her, as I know I won't get an answer from her, and my family and friends will want to protect me so their answers will, and have been, protective some what..

 

You've had lots of opinions here, so hopefully that will help.

 

The biggest and simplest truth is that if she wanted to be with you, she would be with you. I am gathering you're trying to bargain with yourself that her pride would keep her from telling you she wants to try again, as this gives you hope to hang to.

 

But usually it's not that complicated when someone has a change of heart. She'll find a way to let you know. All you have to go on right now is that she's told you a few different times and in a few different ways that she doesn't want to continue dating.

[Basicboybria]

I am gathering you're trying to bargain with yourself that her pride would keep her from telling you she wants to try again, as this gives you hope to hang to.

 

I'm honestly not holding out hope. I just want to understand.

 

Don't know why people are assuming I'm being needy. I want answers, not her.

[Basicboybria]

Just had a great call with a friend where I have vented and I think I've seen some clarity.

 

When me and my partner were together in the honeymoon period, we were fine and dandy. Of course there were disagreements and needing of space, but we worked on those things and it was fine.

 

When we moved on from the honeymoon period, we would still have disagreements or need space, but now I felt like I had to fix things. Several things led on from this. The more I tried to fix things, the more pressure I put on us. This pressure led her wanting space for an hour or two, which I then saw as her having a problem or doubt about us, rather than her just needing a breather or to vent to a friend. Me trying to fix this pressure that was caused by myself drained me, it was of my own creation unknowingly at the time to me. It consumed me, and I put all my energy into it rather than speaking or just reaching out to my friends.

 

She no longer respected me because I was so keen to fix an issue that to begin with wasn't big, but I let myself believe it was a big issue. She had people to speak to about it while I didn't speak to anyone, which she knew by me admitting it several times.

 

As things went on, we still had our 'love bubble' as she called it, but if we disagreed about something, I made it a bigger issue by instantly trying to fix it, rather than accept that people can have different views, and it doesn't matter, especially for insignificant mundane things. This brought back the pressure that I put on us and her. As my actions had already caused her to lose respect for me, she no longer respected my decision, and by this point, I think she started having doubts.

 

With every time I felt the pressure that I subconsciously knew I put on her, I would ask for reassurance. It's hard to keep on reassuring someone that hings are fine when they are creating the issues and won't let you breath. And I can admit I didnt let her breath.

 

With no respect for me, she no longer saw a future with me. Men who are strong and confident in how they handle situations or struggles are respected. In the honeymoon period I was that man. She saw that man again when I took control, and was calm and collected on a stressful situation that we encountered with our holiday - she even told me herself she loved seeing that. But apart from them situations, she didn't see that man for long enough durations, only glimmers.

 

She told me that she struggled with communication, but in fact shecommunicated really well what you needed, I just didn't let her have. I put a lot of pressure and negativity on her shoulders, and she just couldn't handle it anymore.

 

If I spoke to my friends about any worries I had about anything, job, life, love, then me and her wouldn't have ended when we did, maybe not at all.

 

I bottled up any thoughts I had, shook that bottle really hard and sprayed it over her, when in fact, the thoughts in the bottle never should have been bottled up.

 

My actions caused her to give up. She loves and cares for me still to ever admit it, she'd want to protect my feelings. That's the girl I pushed away.

 

For the first time since writing anything down following the break up, I finally feel at peace.

[DancingFool]

I'm honestly not holding out hope. I just want to understand.

 

Don't know why people are assuming I'm being needy. I want answers, not her.

 

Want to understand what? The only thing to understand is that it's over, she means it and it's NOTHING that you've done wrong or that needs to be changed or fixed. The latter is something you need to start accepting. Yes, she made you feel good and you are craving that like a drug addict craves their drug. Hard to let this go, but go it must. What you need to understand is that despite all the good times you had, you were both incompatible on a fundamental level - clashing personalities to be exact. She opted to make a healthy choice and walk away.

 

As for why people are assuming you are needy....that's interesting. Think on this - your ex thinks you are needy, random strangers online think you are needy....maybe it's because you are needy? Hint: I just need to understand.....

[DancingFool]

Just had a great call with a friend where I have vented and I think I've seen some clarity.

 

When me and my partner were together in the honeymoon period, we were fine and dandy. Of course there were disagreements and needing of space, but we worked on those things and it was fine.

 

When we moved on from the honeymoon period, we would still have disagreements or need space, but now I felt like I had to fix things. Several things led on from this. The more I tried to fix things, the more pressure I put on us. This pressure led her wanting space for an hour or two, which I then saw as her having a problem or doubt about us, rather than her just needing a breather or to vent to a friend. Me trying to fix this pressure that was caused by myself drained me, it was of my own creation unknowingly at the time to me. It consumed me, and I put all my energy into it rather than speaking or just reaching out to my friends.

 

She no longer respected me because I was so keen to fix an issue that to begin with wasn't big, but I let myself believe it was a big issue. She had people to speak to about it while I didn't speak to anyone, which she knew by me admitting it several times.

 

As things went on, we still had our 'love bubble' as she called it, but if we disagreed about something, I made it a bigger issue by instantly trying to fix it, rather than accept that people can have different views, and it doesn't matter, especially for insignificant mundane things. This brought back the pressure that I put on us and her. As my actions had already caused her to lose respect for me, she no longer respected my decision, and by this point, I think she started having doubts.

 

With every time I felt the pressure that I subconsciously knew I put on her, I would ask for reassurance. It's hard to keep on reassuring someone that hings are fine when they are creating the issues and won't let you breath. And I can admit I didnt let her breath.

 

With no respect for me, she no longer saw a future with me. Men who are strong and confident in how they handle situations or struggles are respected. In the honeymoon period I was that man. She saw that man again when I took control, and was calm and collected on a stressful situation that we encountered with our holiday - she even told me herself she loved seeing that. But apart from them situations, she didn't see that man for long enough durations, only glimmers.

 

She told me that she struggled with communication, but in fact shecommunicated really well what you needed, I just didn't let her have. I put a lot of pressure and negativity on her shoulders, and she just couldn't handle it anymore.

 

If I spoke to my friends about any worries I had about anything, job, life, love, then me and her wouldn't have ended when we did, maybe not at all.

 

I bottled up any thoughts I had, shook that bottle really hard and sprayed it over her, when in fact, the thoughts in the bottle never should have been bottled up.

 

My actions caused her to give up. She loves and cares for me still to ever admit it, she'd want to protect my feelings. That's the girl I pushed away.

 

For the first time since writing anything down following the break up, I finally feel at peace.

 

I don't think you pushed her away. What you are describing are two people with incompatible personalities/conflict resolution styles. There is nothing wrong with wanting to resolve things right away, however, you need to be with someone who feels and operates the same way because that person will appreciate what you are doing and you both will feel at peace instead of at conflict. The point of dating is learning about these deeper things, not just the fun surface stuff you like doing together.

[Basicboybria]

I don't think you pushed her away. What you are describing are two people with incompatible personalities/conflict resolution styles. There is nothing wrong with wanting to resolve things right away, however, you need to be with someone who feels and operates the same way because that person will appreciate what you are doing and you both will feel at peace instead of at conflict. The point of dating is learning about these deeper things, not just the fun surface stuff you like doing together.

 

She admitted I pushed her away and that she no longer respected me like she use to as I stopped handling situations like I use to. This was her main case throughout the breakup.

 

I don't know why I didn't listen to it at the time, I've realised it now.

[DancingFool]

She admitted I pushed her away and that she no longer respected me like she use to as I stopped handling situations like I use to. This was her main case throughout the breakup.

 

I don't know why I didn't listen to it at the time, I've realised it now.

 

It's not what she said, it's how you are interpreting it. My point stands - what she was telling you is that you are not compatible. Who you are, once the pink goggles are off, doesn't mesh with her, her personality, and what kind of a person she wants to be with. This same goes for you. Please ask yourself why you are so desperate to be with someone you didn't really mesh with all that well....IF you can be that honest with yourself and stop glossing over and fixating on the fun stuff. It's not like you weren't aware that your styles of communication and conflict resolution didn't mesh at all. Compatibility was not there. Do you get it?

 

It's NOT the right relationship if you have to change your personality to stay in it.

[Basicboybria]

I get all of this, I do. And what I wrote out just then wasn't to get her back. It was for me to vent to myself and my friend.

 

So you don't think that people change in relationships, not always because its who they are, but because they let slip of who they were, and because of their actions outside of the relationship?

[bluecastle]

So much good advice here.

 

Just to emphasize: if she, or anyone, wants to be with you, she'd be with you. It's simple. Relationships don't "work" or "last" because no one messes up, but because two people make the continual choice to stay in the relationship. Some unions are healthier than others, but they all basically have the same two ingredients: two people opting in, not out. Once someone opts out, that's really all that matters. Crushing math goes something like: the sum of ex is greater than the sum of why.

 

It's understandable to be raking yourself over the coals right now, taking her reasons for things ending as a verdict, another obstacle course to see if you can complete before the buzzer. Also understandable to flip that script here and there, pointing at her pride, and so on. There are probably truths to all that, and lessons to learn, but at this stage? It's basically just flailing, looking for ways to soften the blow, kind of like a pro athlete watching (and rewatching) the replay of the game footage and noting everything that went wrong. That athlete wants to improve, yes, but mainly he or she is just furious and crushed by the loss. He or she is looking at that footage to figure out a way to win as much as to accept the loss.

 

As DF is saying, it doesn't sound like you guys meshed all that well. Maybe try to see that as a fact, like weather, rather than something "wrong" with either of you that can be "fixed." Maybe, at some point, start thinking about what you need to mesh better—who you need to be, in your own skin, and the kind of person you want to be with. Think about the sort of climate you require for genuine comfort and ease.

 

That, ultimately, is where the closure will come from. Not some late night night epiphany, or an exchange 21 days from now. All that is just an open wound—opensure, you could say, not closure. It's part of the process, but try to see it as a process, not something to fight or solve.

[Wiseman2]

Exactly. The breakdown of the relationship was a symptom of something you are not addressing. If you refuse to get a job, get some therapy etc, the urge to suffocate and control her every moment will continue and you'll push more women away.

Now is time to focus on myself, and to one day become a man that doesn't lose himself when in a relationship.

[bluecastle]

So you don't think that people change in relationships, not always because its who they are, but because they let slip of who they were, and because of their actions outside of the relationship?

 

Not answering for DF, but:

 

I think people are always changing, some more than others, some with consciousness and intent, some unconsciously, typically a combination. Where we work, where we live: these things affect us, "change" us, in that they will bring out certain qualities that are part of our spectrum and suppress others. Same can be said for a relationship, as it's a "place" where we spend an enormous amount of emotional, psychic, and spiritual capitol. It affects both people, along with everything else going on in the world, in their lives. It's all quite fragile, when you think about it, but in that fragility is the beauty and strength, the mystery.

 

Less poetically? Some people bring out good sides of us, some bad sides, just as we do the same in them. What's hard, thanks to thinks like hope and hormones, is that we never quite know what sides are going to be stirred at the outset. It is always a gamble. Experience makes us better gamblers, hopefully, but you're still rolling the dice to some degree.

[DancingFool]

I get all of this, I do. And what I wrote out just then wasn't to get her back. It was for me to vent to myself and my friend.

 

So you don't think that people change in relationships, not always because its who they are, but because they let slip of who they were, and because of their actions outside of the relationship?

 

I think you are always who you are and you never let it slip or change. How you respond to life, difficulties, relationships, etc - it's all who you are. That's my point though - when you are with someone who is compatible, genuinely compatible on that deeper level - being who you are is easy, getting along is easy, communication is almost intuitive because you are alike enough to actually get each other. It doesn't mean that you won't argue sometimes over she wants the wall blue and you want it grey, but these are sort of minor things, differences of taste or opinions that you'll get past rather than deep fundamental, clashing personality issues.

 

You are the guy who is nice, kind, maybe a bit needy and clingy, someone who doesn't want to go to bed angry with unresolved issues and many women out there would love that, would love the attention and wouldn't feel suffocated or turned off by it. In fact, the opposite, they'd revel in that. I think that's the part you need to work on grasping - compatibility is huge and in this relationship it wasn't present. However, because of some of the good things that she brought to the table, you kind of stuck your head in the sand about that and ignored the red flags while telling yourself "I totally will pound this square peg into this round hole, totally doable." Well....it's not. Unfortunately, you are still stuck on that narrative - if I just move this square corner this way, surely this square peg will fit. At some point this becomes toxic thinking. Find a square hole instead...when you are ready to date again that is. Perseverance is great when it comes to work or sports, but it doesn't work in relationships. That requires a completely different skill set and one of the biggest skills is knowing when to walk away.

[Basicboybria]

I know people change, I get that.

Sometimes people don't change in a relationship, but their opinion on if someone can handle things changes because if their actions.

 

In last two days, two friends have told me two different stories (one about them, one about a friend they know) that their relationships and break ups played out similar to mine, with my friend being the dumpee, and the friends friend being the dumper. My friend didn't get their partner back, but my friends friend did.

 

Apparently the ex of the friends friend a couple of weeks later after breakup reached out and spoke to the dumper about what they did wrong and became needy. She took him back, worked on things slowly and they have been together for 5 years since, so these things do happen.

 

Sometimes people give you a chance to correct your wrongs, sometimes they don't.

 

For me I won't be reaching out to her. I may regret it now hearing the stories from my friends, but also I'll probably be concerned if I do, that it'll just damage the memory of us even more.

 

I just wish I didn't abandon my friends as I ended up focusing fully on my ex. I didn't speak to anyone but her for some days, and I only spoke to her about deep stuff.

 

In terms of the job thing, where I live, there's not a lot of options because of the coronavirus. And before then, when I wasn't in a job, I was applying everyday. My ex gave me so much support and help.

[No1]

You are spinning in circles and going no where fast. You said something about closure. Im going to tell you a secret. You can move on without closure. Closure is important if you feel that its important. But otherwise you can move on just fine. But I am also going to give you the answer to your question and its simple.

 

It didn't work out.

 

With that, there is no fault, no blame, no looking back, no thinking, no debating, decoding, no wondering if you did anything wrong, not going back thinking if you could of done anything different. It simply didn't work out.

 

And that is okay. It is okay to admit that it didn't work out. You stand up, dust yourself off and start a fresh day and eventually you will meet someone new. This girl is not the one for you. Its that simple.. you let her go and work on you and someone else will come along.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Sometimes, it's that simple when we get out of our own way.

This girl is not the one for you. Its that simple.. you let her go and work on you and someone else will come along.

[boltnrun]

"I NEED 'closure'" is just an excuse to continue to hold on.

 

You say you want answers not her, but you DO want her. You are thinking that not being in contact will somehow ruin your chances of reconciling!

 

Accepting that the relationship is over is all the closure you need. It'll come when you let it happen.

[Basicboybria]

I replied to her message. I told her the break up was best and that we both need space to work on our selves. I wished her the best and said goodbye.

 

She replied thanking me for understanding, and that to tell her when I'm going back to my parents. (I think because as she knows I'm in my flat alone during the coronavirus and she doesn't want that for me.)

[MissCanuck]

I replied to her message. I told her the break up was best and that we both need space to work on our selves. I wished her the best and said goodbye.

 

I think this was a wise move on your part. Now you can work on healing.