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Since the last time I posted, my husband did eventually make contact. He totally blamed everything on me. He never apologised. Yes, I took him back. A couple of days later he did get all upset and admitted he didn't appreciate me enough and he would try to change.

 

However, it happened three more times since then. The first time I made contact. The second time he made contact. This is now the third time. We have spoken for four full days. It was over something trivial; usually is. However, it escalated into him calling me several disgusting names. I knew he was on the verge of ending the video call, so I warned him that if he did end the call, he needed to remember the ultimatum I set out that specified if he ever ended the call and gave me silent treatment, it would be the end for us. Surprisingly, he stayed on the call but silenced his mic and switched off his camera, so technically. the call was still running, but void of audio and video, if that makes sense.

 

The call, however, did drop when the signal dropped. I explained it was my signal at fault. We exchanged words through typing. Since then I've heard nothing but two likes on my Facebook. For this reason, I've stopped posting or I block him from viewing my latest posts whilst still keeping him as a friend. He has hidden his friends list, but a loose-looking female with only my husband as a mutual friend has attempted to add me. I've not accepted. I find it very odd. I'm unsure if he'd put her up to it. However, there are comments on his wall I cannot see and I suspect the comments are from a previous flirtatious female he has re-added.

 

Yes, I know it is childish visiting his social media, but I'm not just some two-bit girlfriend. I am his wife and I am very hurt. I don't want my marriage to end, but I don't want to suffer abuse and wish I have the courage to leave him.

 

I have read so much valuable advice about the silent treatment and how it is definitely a form of emotional abuse. One thing my husband said to me when he finally made contact was that he was using the silent treatment to test my loyalty towards him. One piece of internet advice suggests this 'testing' is the toxic person trying to force the victim into begging for attention. My husband's cousin also pointed out that he would only 'test' my loyalty if he had done something wrong and he needed to see if I am still loyal to him. I think he had a point.

 

Anyway, as I've mentioned, it's been four days now. I've not made contact and neither has he. I'm avoiding social media posting so he doesn't know what I'm up to and he can't like anything to hoover me back in, plus I'm not posting to gain his attention.

 

What I am finding difficult is keeping up the strength of no contact. I've cried so much that it is happening all over again. I sometimes feel it's my fault even though I know I never spoke any abusive names or adding semi-clad people on social media. I need to keep my emotional strength up before I crack up and break. I don't want to end up apologising for no reason and just being thankful I've got him back no matter how abusive.

 

Any advice is appreciated. Thank you :)

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I think it's time to stop all the game-playing with him. It doesn't sound like the two of your are compatible. All of the breaking up, over and over, means that something important is missing from your relationship with him.

 

Maybe you should take some time to grieve the end of this connection and then move on. The name calling and mental abuse is not something that people do when they're in love.

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Yes, I am trying so much to move on. feel so emotionally weak, and I am so very much in love with him, even though it's not healthy and emotionally damaging. I've invested so much into us. I just need to be reminded not to make contact with him. It's so hard and I've almost broken several times.

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Astro, whenever I was tempted to make contact with my ex, I looked at my List of Reasons (a list of reasons I should be happy he was gone). My original goal was to find 10 reasons I should be happy it was over. By the time I was done, I had over 100 reasons. It was shocking to see them all written out. A real wake up call. (Would I willingly go into a relationship with a man who did or said those things to me? Because continuing open contact was, in fact, willingly continuing to engage in that toxic relationship.)

 

I never reached out to him and only responded when it was necessary. Of course, he came sniffing around again, but I didn't fall for it.

 

Today my ex is the ex-husband every girl dreams of one day having. He's a new man (our breakup taught him a lot) with a new girlfriend (he says "it's better than being alone"...that should tell you how emotionally unavailable he is). We talk, chat, he even stops by my office to say "hi" because his doctor is down the hall. We're truly friends and still family in a lot of ways (we have two grown kids).

 

But that never would have been possible if I had not decided I deserve better and stopped engaging. He never would have grown as a human being.

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You're right. I do try to remind myself of all the terrible things he's either said or done to me. Every time I need his support because of my poorly family member or another valid reason I need his support he disappears. Yet, I still love him. I'm just wondering if he ever will make contact with me. Is he really just doing this to punish me? I know I need to remain strong. I've even turned off my 'active' status on social media so I'm off the radar.

 

I admit, this silence IS killing me inside. I'm so tempted to make it all stop by contacting him, yet I know that's the worst thing I could do.

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I have the urge to contact people who've sorely wronged me. These people are either estranged or semi-estranged. However, I stop myself and refrain from contacting them because I remember these words: "You don't love me otherwise you wouldn't have mistreated and disrespected me." I repeat those words over and over again. Then it forces me to go "no contact" (NC). I don't reach out. I'm in control and I'm the stronger person.

 

Remind yourself WHY and then it's easy to refrain from reaching out and contacting. It works.

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Thank you. I know if I even answered his call he would not begin the reach out by apologising. It is now a script, and goes like this:

 

HIM: have you calmed down?

 

ME: (feeling confused as I didn't lose my temper, call names, end a call, or initiate the silent treatment) (at this point I try to speak to tell him HE lost HIS temper)

 

HIM: (starts speaking over me in a raised voice without taking a break, so my side is never heard)

 

But it still hurts. He will never call and apologise. No matter who breaks no contact, I will be left feeling I am the one to blame for the whole thing. He even says he is always the one to apologise and I'm the one with no heart. He reckons his silent treatment and eventual contact is his way of fighting for us while I apparently do nothing to save us.

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Thank you. I know if I even answered his call he would not begin the reach out by apologising. It is now a script, and goes like this:

 

HIM: have you calmed down?

 

ME: (feeling confused as I didn't lose my temper, call names, end a call, or initiate the silent treatment) (at this point I try to speak to tell him HE lost HIS temper)

 

HIM: (starts speaking over me in a raised voice without taking a break, so my side is never heard)

 

But it still hurts. He will never call and apologise. No matter who breaks no contact, I will be left feeling I am the one to blame for the whole thing. He even says he is always the one to apologise and I'm the one with no heart. He reckons his silent treatment and eventual contact is his way of fighting for us while I apparently do nothing to save us.

 

What is it that you love about him?

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So he hasn't treated you well for a few years?

 

No. He's not been too bad. He's been a very good man for most of the time we've been together. However, these silent period incidents began to manifest around twelve months ago, but not on a regular basis. It is only these past few weeks that the silent treatment and abusive behaviour is as regular as at least once per week.

 

Looking back, he's always had a quick temper and I've always trodden on egg shells, especially as he lacks any type of humour.

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Can you specifically list what it is you love about him?

 

Silent treatment, quick temper, having to walk on eggshells, abusive behavior...I'm not seeing a whole lot to love. And you do realize that abusers are not abusive in the beginning or all the time, or they would never find women willing to date and/or marry them.

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Can you specifically list what it is you love about him?

 

Silent treatment, quick temper, having to walk on eggshells, abusive behavior...I'm not seeing a whole lot to love. And you do realize that abusers are not abusive in the beginning or all the time, or they would never find women willing to date and/or marry them.

 

As I said, the man I fell in love with. He also can be generous. When things are good he would never allow another person to disrespect me, even his own family member (I know this when there was miscommunication, but It's all good and I have a healthy relationship with them).

 

Also, the company we give each other when it's not a period of silence. Again, when things are good it is consistent. He always says he loves me, there's always a good morning and a good night. If I needed anything he's be generous enough to give (as I have with him).

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As I said, the man I fell in love with. He also can be generous. When things are good he would never allow another person to disrespect me, even his own family member (I know this when there was miscommunication, but It's all good and I have a healthy relationship with them).

 

Also, the company we give each other when it's not a period of silence. Again, when things are good it is consistent. He always says he loves me, there's always a good morning and a good night. If I needed anything he's be generous enough to give (as I have with him).

 

Does any of that cancel out his abusive behavior? Generous and says good morning and good night seems so basic to me. You can get those things from a man who is not an abuser.

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Does any of that cancel out his abusive behavior? Generous and says good morning and good night seems so basic to me. You can get those things from a man who is not an abuser.

 

I know. You're so right. I'm just a loving person who's still in love with her husband.

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I know. You're so right. I'm just a loving person who's still in love with her husband.

 

Do you think that means you have to stay with an abuser?

 

I mean if you want to stay that's entirely up to you. But how can you complain when you're choosing to stay and continue to be abused?

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Do you think that means you have to stay with an abuser?

 

I mean if you want to stay that's entirely up to you. But how can you complain when you're choosing to stay and continue to be abused?

 

Because I don't even know if I have a marriage to stay in. I'm being stonewalled and I need strength to stay away. That is the point of my post.

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Because I don't even know if I have a marriage to stay in. I'm being stonewalled and I need strength to stay away. That is the point of my post.

 

I would suggest you don't reach out to him and you don't have to respond if he contacts you. Make it a choice. Give yourself permission to not respond and to not reach out. It's OK, because you know that all you're going to get from him is abuse.

 

The more you pull away the better you'll feel about it.

 

And don't expect it to be instant. This will take some time.

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I would suggest you don't reach out to him and you don't have to respond if he contacts you. Make it a choice. Give yourself permission to not respond and to not reach out. It's OK, because you know that all you're going to get from him is abuse.

 

The more you pull away the better you'll feel about it.

 

And don't expect it to be instant. This will take some time.

 

Thank you. I'm just experiencing a very weak moment.

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Thank you. I'm just experiencing a very weak moment.

 

How about reaching out to a friend or family member? You don't have to tell them details, just let them know you would like to talk or message them. Distract yourself when you have weak moments.

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