Am i wrong?

[Missyolo]

Not answering for BC, but his priority should be his children, not dating and moving in with someone so soon. At which point in time he and ex can learn to co parent well and the situation with the kids become stable . .and he's not fighting, making up and in constant communication with the ex, he might be date-able.

 

You assuming constant contact is normal? No. You have well defined custody arrangements and you respect that other parents time with the kids and give the room to do so. The only reason to communicate is for business purposes and emergencies. Not to tell them Good Morning

 

So even just a "Morning, how are you and the children?" is too much?

Even if it is just meant to be polite and ask how the children are?

 

They are not in constant contact. He spends alot of time away from his phone. Especially if she keeps messaging him when he doesn't want to talk but i would say they are in daily contact

[reinventmyself]

 

He always makes me a priority. Puts any plans we make above anything else. And puts spending time with me above everything.

His kids should be his priority and spending time with them above everything.

[Missyolo]

His kids should be his priority and spending time with them above everything.

 

I have tried to encourage him to spend more time with them but i can not force him to do anything. I can't be to blame for him chosing to spend the time with me when i don't get told what plans have been spoken about. This is why i have told him i do not want to know what is said between them. So that i can not be blamed for anything like that.

[Lambert]

I am 23.

 

You think he does?

 

They are not divorced. They were never married.

 

He always makes me a priority. Puts any plans we make above anything else. And puts spending time with me above everything.

 

I am not ok with the anger but i have only ever seen it directed at her so i think she just knows how to push his buttons

 

I hope you take what I'm about to say to heart...

 

Run away from this guy. At 23, you have so many other options than this dope.

[reinventmyself]

I have tried to encourage him to spend more time with them but i can not force him to do anything. I can't be to blame for him chosing to spend the time with me when i don't get told what plans have been spoken about. This is why i have told him i do not want to know what is said between them. So that i can not be blamed for anything like that.

 

I wouldn't never date a man who didn't prioritize his children.

Especially in light of them being very young.

It's the most massive of red flags and a character issue. It says a lot about him.

[bluecastle]

What do you mean by this?

 

Reinvent is covering all the bases here. But I'll put it in personal terms.

 

My girlfriend has a young child with her ex-husband, joint custody. I knew this on our first date, and of course it was something I was curious about—namely, do they have a healthy or tempestuous relationship as co-parents? Guess you could say it's a bit like wondering if someone has a steady job, is responsible with money, can manage emotions well—things one looks for when looking to surrender to someone emotionally and see if a life can be built together.

 

The long and short of it is that...it's just not complicated. No drama, no rage, no weird vibes after a text about school, playdates, whatever. Such was the case in a year of dating, prior to moving in, and remains the case.

 

That is not magic, or luck, but an extension of who my girlfriend is and the sorts of choices she makes, as a human being and a mother. Those choices really have nothing to do with me—they are how she lives her life—but they are pretty critical in terms of making her someone I can choose, without edge or fear, to be with. So much as I can "judge" her by her relationship with her ex, I'd say it speaks to an enormous amount of grit and grace, to say nothing of a fierce and resilient heart and humble ego.

 

You wouldn't be posting here if your boyfriend had made different choices—if he, for instance, figured things out with his ex, so they could raise their children without ire and ego, but with stability. Alas, he made different choices—to run from that fire and seek shelter in another relationship. I can imagine how that feels "good," or once did, but what you're seeing now is that you can get burned by someone who doesn't know how to put out their own fires.

 

Is that burn something you want, or not? At the end of the day, your situation isn't very complicated either. You're dating someone with a load of unresolved feelings connected to his prior relationship. You're dating someone who does not take his role as a parent very seriously. That's your choice, but it's not the only one, or the only way.

[reinventmyself]

I wouldn't never date a man who didn't prioritize his children.

.

 

I meant * I would never

[reinventmyself]

So even just a "Morning, how are you and the children?" is too much?

Even if it is just meant to be polite and ask how the children are?

 

They are not in constant contact. He spends alot of time away from his phone. Especially if she keeps messaging him when he doesn't want to talk but i would say they are in daily contact

 

You're arguing both sides. You painted a picture of two people in constant contact, arguing and you being caught in the middle. Then uou double back and say they aren't in constant contact. Which is it?

Here you basically defend a simple good morning as normal? I that context alone, of course not. But that's not why your here, right?

[Missyolo]

You're arguing both sides. You painted a picture of two people in constant contact, arguing and you being caught in the middle. Then uou double back and say they aren't in constant contact. Which is it?

Here you basically defend a simple good morning as normal? I that context alone, of course not. But that's not why your here, right?

 

I suppose it depends on what you would define as constant contact. They text daily. I do not know the full extend of the conversations but i know that he sometimes texts good morning asking how her and the children are. And she will do the same saying good morning and asking how she is. She will sometimes text him goodnight, sometimes he replies, sometimes he doesnt. I also know she asks his opinion on things such as redecorating and asking about taking the children out on day trips together. Which they do. Well, they haven't for a little while but that is because of arguments and then quarantine so im sure they would again. Other than that i have no idea what they talk about. And i don't want to know.

 

My post was more based around the fights and anger. How he can get so crazy with anger and hate towards her and then just not. How does he let her make him so mad? And then he ends up agreeing to anything she says. Like him needing to put more effort in to them talking and things along those lines. Which i think he does for a time and then when he slips back thats when the arguments start again

[MissCanuck]

OP, do you know if there was any overlap between your relationship with him and his relationship with his ex?

[Wiseman2]

Right now you are the new shiny toy he hopes will make her come back to him. If you stick around his raging will be directed at you.

[Missyolo]

OP, do you know if there was any overlap between your relationship with him and his relationship with his ex?

 

I don't know. There is an overlap from when we first met but as far as i am aware they were over before anything started between us

[DancingFool]

I suppose it depends on what you would define as constant contact. They text daily. I do not know the full extend of the conversations but i know that he sometimes texts good morning asking how her and the children are. And she will do the same saying good morning and asking how she is. She will sometimes text him goodnight, sometimes he replies, sometimes he doesnt. I also know she asks his opinion on things such as redecorating and asking about taking the children out on day trips together. Which they do. Well, they haven't for a little while but that is because of arguments and then quarantine so im sure they would again. Other than that i have no idea what they talk about. And i don't want to know.

 

My post was more based around the fights and anger. How he can get so crazy with anger and hate towards her and then just not. How does he let her make him so mad? And then he ends up agreeing to anything she says. Like him needing to put more effort in to them talking and things along those lines. Which i think he does for a time and then when he slips back thats when the arguments start again

 

What you are describing is two people maintaining a toxic relationship that has nothing to do with children. You are just a third wheel in this, a rebound until you are no longer wanted or needed. You are actually being triangulated by this guy. You are dancing for his attention and so is his ex. A highly toxic game.

 

If he wanted a stable relationship that actually concerned his children, he'd get a parenting app, they'd set up a proper visitation schedule for how the children are spending their time with the respective parent and wouldn't have anything else to do with each other. No good morning, no good night, no chit chat. Anything that needs to be said about kids would go through the app and be limited strictly to needs and necessities, not wants. Only exception would be emergencies.

 

You are very young, very naive and totally being used and don't even know it. Your options are get out now and fast or stay and get properly burnt by this, aka learn why you don't get involved with men like this the very hard way. Your choice.

[Missyolo]

Right now you are the new shiny toy he hopes will make her come back to him. If you stick around his raging will be directed at you.

Why would he hope it would make her come back when he was the one to leave her?

 

From what i have heard from friends he stopped loving her so i do not understand why he would use me to get her back?

[reinventmyself]

 

My post was more based around the fights and anger. How he can get so crazy with anger and hate towards her and then just not. How does he let her make him so mad? And then he ends up agreeing to anything she says. Like him needing to put more effort in to them talking and things along those lines. Which i think he does for a time and then when he slips back thats when the arguments start again

Because they are still attached. If they were divorced, I'd be saying they are still married.

 

Though technically not and physically distanced, they are still very much attached to each other emotionally.

 

Breaking up is a process and there are several layers to it. The process takes time. More so for most that don't handle it in the right way (good case in point) This is a couple that hasn't yet completely broken up with each other. . and you. . you are in the middle of it all.

[Missyolo]

Because they are still attached. If they were divorced, I'd be saying they are still married.

 

Though technically not and physically distanced, they are still very much attached to each other emotionally.

 

Breaking up is a process and there are several layers to it. The process takes time. More so for most that don't handle it in the right way (good case in point) This is a couple that hasn't yet completely broken up with each other. . and you. . you are in the middle of it all.

 

I guess what i don't really understand is hoe he could still be emotionally attached if he had already stopped loving her before the break up. I would have thought in this instance in his mind they were already over before they officially were and that any emotional attachment had already gone

[bluecastle]

Look, you're young, but not that young, glib references to garden tools not withstanding. If you've been in high school, you likely have plenty of experience to understand what's going on here.

 

In high school, that strange land in which all of us cut our teeth in the business of romance, everyone knows everyone's business and everyone resolves their business by getting busy with new people, pronto. It's very weird, and can lead to some bad habits after graduation, since you more or less have to engage in and/or stomach some shade to get a taste of romance. Everyone is a bit of yo-yo being, you know, all #yolo.

 

Most grow out of it. Some grow into it. What you're involved in right now? This is what growing into it looks like, feels like. It's a recreation of that saucy, shady high school mode of romance, but with very real adult factors and consequences. This is not a dude who is still liking Instagram photos of the girl he broke up with last week before getting all sweet with you. No, he is a dude who is in a complete sh*tshow of a relationship with a woman he has multiple children with. That ain't changing in a week or two. That may not change for 20 years.

 

You, now, are also in their relationship—a pinball inside the pinball machine they built together. In high school, this can sometimes "work." You choke down those Instagram likes, the likes subside, and you get something that looks and feels more or less like a legit relationship—at least until summer comes around, or graduation, or whatever. Part of why you put up with it all, on some core level, is that you understand it's not quite real, and is built to end.

 

But in adulthood, with real adult factors, that center doesn't hold. What "works" in high school is just nuclear and toxic in adulthood, as you seem both be learning and looking far and wide for something that can keep that lesson from sinking in. Understandable. But I would really give that #yolo stuff some critical thinking here, because it's true.

 

You only do it once, the business of living and loving. Is this how you want it to look and feel?

[Lambert]

I guess what i don't really understand is hoe he could still be emotionally attached if he had already stopped loving her before the break up. I would have thought in this instance in his mind they were already over before they officially were and that any emotional attachment had already gone

 

because he lied about being not be attached or being in love with her.

 

what's he going say? I love her and I'm so upset about the break up.

 

No! he lies, he finds someone else (you) to help him make her jealous and hurts her as much as he's hurting.

[Missyolo]

Look, you're young, but not that young, glib references to garden tools not withstanding. If you've been in high school, you likely have plenty of experience to understand what's going on here.

 

In high school, that strange land in which all of us cut our teeth in the business of romance, everyone knows everyone's business and everyone resolves their business by getting busy with new people, pronto. It's very weird, and can lead to some bad habits after graduation, since you more or less have to engage in and/or stomach some shade to get a taste of romance. Everyone is a bit of yo-yo being, you know, all #yolo.

 

Most grow out of it. Some grow into it. What you're involved in right now? This is what growing into it looks like, feels like. It's a recreation of that saucy, shady high school mode of romance, but with very real adult factors and consequences. This is not a dude who is still liking Instagram photos of the girl he broke up with last week before getting all sweet with you. No, he is a dude who is in a complete sh*tshow of a relationship with a woman he has multiple children with. That ain't changing in a week or two. That may not change for 20 years.

 

You, now, are also in their relationship—a pinball inside the pinball machine they built together. In high school, this can sometimes "work." You choke down those Instagram likes, the likes subside, and you get something that looks and feels more or less like a legit relationship—at least until summer comes around, or graduation, or whatever. Part of why you put up with it all, on some core level, is that you understand it's not quite real, and is built to end.

 

But in adulthood, with real adult factors, that center doesn't hold. What "works" in high school is just nuclear and toxic in adulthood, as you seem both be learning and looking far and wide for something that can keep that lesson from sinking in. Understandable. But I would really give that #yolo stuff some critical thinking here, because it's true.

 

You only do it once, the business of living and loving. Is this how you want it to look and feel?

 

I kind of understand your point but i didn't really follow most of that. Sorry

[Missyolo]

because he lied about being not be attached or being in love with her.

 

what's he going say? I love her and I'm so upset about the break up.

 

No! he lies, he finds someone else (you) to help him make her jealous and hurts her as much as he's hurting.

 

No, i heard all this before anything ever happened between us and i didn't hear it from him. Me and him have never discussed their break up. He told his friends that he had stopped loving her and had been feeling that way for sometime. From the things i have heard that she has said that appears to be what he told her when he told her it was over. So why then would he be hurting and feel the need to make her jealous?

[Wiseman2]

How old is he? How old are his kids? Where did you live before you started staying at his place? Is there trouble at home that made you want to stay with him? Do he and his on/off gf do drugs together? What is your role in his life?

[Lambert]

No, i heard all this before anything ever happened between us and i didn't hear it from him. Me and him have never discussed their break up. He told his friends that he had stopped loving her and had been feeling that way for sometime. From the things i have heard that she has said that appears to be what he told her when he told her it was over. So why then would he be hurting and feel the need to make her jealous?

People lie about their feelings all the time. Its called pride

 

Something that struck his pride. so he ended it and told everyone "I wasn't in love with her anymore"

 

That's why actions are louder than words.

 

He's super emotional with her through anger because he cares that much.

 

When you don't care, you don't argue, you're not mad, you don't care.

 

There is a lot of passion between them. youre choosing to ignore or justify it

[Missyolo]

How old is he? How old are his kids? Where did you live before you started staying at his place? Is there trouble at home that made you want to stay with him? Do he and his on/off gf do drugs together? What is your role in his life?

 

He is 26. They are 3 and 1. I lived with family. There was no trouble at home at all but it is very crowded and i was enjoying spending the time with him. I still am. He does not do drugs. I don't mnow about her but he has never said anything to make me believe she does and has said what a good mum she is so i would say no.

 

Why do you say on/off gf?

What do you mean by my role?

[MissCanuck]

OP, you've posted this story before under different usernames.

 

The opinions you're getting (and will continue to get) are the same. What is it you want to hear that you haven't heard the other times you've created threads about this?

[Missyolo]

People lie about their feelings all the time. Its called pride

 

Something that struck his pride. so he ended it and told everyone "I wasn't in love with her anymore"

 

That's why actions are louder than words.

 

He's super emotional with her through anger because he cares that much.

 

When you don't care, you don't argue, you're not mad, you don't care.

 

There is a lot of passion between them. youre choosing to ignore or justify it

 

He seems as though if she wasn't to keep messaging him that he could quite happily go without speaking to her.

 

So if he didn't care nothing she said or did would be able to provoke an argument? Even if she was to say the things she does? Her go to argument seems to be that he puts me in front of the children and that he lies to her. She has told him on multiple occasions that the youngest child doesn't even know who he is and hurtful things like that. Even if he didn't have feelings for her surely he would still get angry at her saying these kinds of things?