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Missyolo
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No, I think it's clearly on his side too. His strong reactions to her give him away.

 

Was he living with her and their children before you two moved in together, or? And again, why did you two move in so quickly?

 

It couldn't be that he genuinely does feel hate towards her and only speaks to try and keep the peace?

 

No they were not living together. He lived alone. And i moved in as i had been spending all my time at his anyway since getting together so we decided i may as well stay here properly.

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It couldn't be that he genuinely does feel hate towards her and only speaks to try and keep the peace?

 

No they were not living together. He lived alone. And i moved in as i had been spending all my time at his anyway since getting together so we decided i may as well stay here properly.

 

He isn't keeping the peace if he's engaging in arguments with her like this. That supposed "hate" is emotion-fueled. He's as much a part of the problem as he claims she is.

 

I am curious about the timeline between them. They'd only been broken up a short time when you and he started dating, and yet he was already living alone. How long had he been living on his own at that point?

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He isn't keeping the peace if he's engaging in arguments with her like this. That supposed "hate" is emotion-fueled. He's as much a part of the problem as he claims she is.

 

I am curious about the timeline between them. They'd only been broken up a short time when you and he started dating, and yet he was already living alone. How long had he been living on his own at that point?

 

He had always been living alone. He spent alot of time staying at hers with the children though i believe and was due to move in there permenantly around the time of the break up. From what i heard through friends there was no issues at all in the relationship. They had always seemed happy, he just stopped loving her

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He never lived with own children?

 

Not that i am aware of. I have heard they always wanted to live together and it was always set to happen. But at the time that it was happening he ended things with her. I think because he shared a house with a friend and the friend was not in a position to take on the house by himself until recently

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Not that i am aware of. I have heard they always wanted to live together and it was always set to happen. But at the time that it was happening he ended things with her. I think because he shared a house with a friend and the friend was not in a position to take on the house by himself until recently

 

Does it not concern you that he put this friend's needs above living with his own children? Because it really should. It is very unusual for a couple to live apart when they have children together, especially considering that he is now living with his new girlfriend already. Something is off with that.

 

I am wondering if his ex might have a legitimate reason to be angry with him. Do you know how often he actually spent time with his kids?

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Does it not concern you that he put this friend's needs above living with his own children? Because it really should. It is very unusual for a couple to live apart when they have children together, especially considering that he is now living with his new girlfriend already. Something is off with that.

 

I am wondering if his ex might have a legitimate reason to be angry with him. Do you know how often he actually spent time with his kids?

 

It's not something i have really thought about to be honest.

 

And i don't know. I think he would spend the weekends there when he was off work

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There are so many red flags here beyond just him arguing with his ex, Missyolo.

 

Do you not see them, or do you not want to see them?

 

I hadn't noticed any other than the way he is with his ex. I have never given any thought into their living arrangements. That was before me and none of my business.

 

I understand people thinking we are moving fast by me moving in with him already but i was already staying there most nights anyway so it just made sense.

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Move back home. Your "relationship" is about her, not you. He's abusive and you should read up on that. He is far from 'a nice guy".

she blames me for just about everything she can.

she wanted to, for any times he can't see or have the children.

She gets frustrated so he stops answering her messages.

She blows up his phone

She refuses to let him have the children around me

she didn't know i was going[

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Move back home. Your "relationship" is about her, not you. He's abusive and you should read up on that. He is far from 'a nice guy".

 

All of that is from her side though. That is not him. He can not control what she does. He tries to ignore it, and her for the most part but if he does for too long she gets worse and that is when the arguments start

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All of that is from her side though. That is not him. He can not control what she does. He tries to ignore it, and her for the most part but if he does for too long she gets worse and that is when the arguments start
This is where I think you might be "settling'

 

He could control this. He's choosing not.

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This is where I think you might be "settling'

 

He could control this. He's choosing not.

 

How could he control it? He tells her not to message so often and that he can't always reply but she does it anyway. That is why he refused to give her his new phone number when he changed it

 

What else could he be doing?

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It couldn't be that he genuinely does feel hate towards her and only speaks to try and keep the peace?

 

He had always been living alone. He spent alot of time staying at hers with the children though i believe and was due to move in there permenantly around the time of the break up. From what i heard through friends there was no issues at all in the relationship. They had always seemed happy, he just stopped loving her

 

Not that i am aware of. I have heard they always wanted to live together and it was always set to happen. But at the time that it was happening he ended things with her. I think because he shared a house with a friend and the friend was not in a position to take on the house by himself until recently

 

I understand the comfort in seeing all of it just from his side, she's crazy, her emotional attachment is one-sided, he doesn't love her, he just couldn't care less, etc. etc. But think about this: your bf had two children with his ex. If he's such a great guy and she's so terrible why did he even waste so much time on her? They must also have had happy, loving moments like you two are having now. Even if that love is no more, even if she annoys him now, he could have been the bigger person and respect her as the mother of his children. Instead he puts all blame on her and drags you into the endless arguments between them. A man who talks about his exes immediately turns me off. One day he could talk about you in the same manner.

 

You want to know for sure that he has only negative feelings toward her, that you are truly winning the game. But is the prize - his affection - really that great? No matter if he hates or loves her, with all the emotional energy he pours into their interaction there will be less remaining for you and your connection. You will never have him all for yourself; his ex will always be part of the picture. When their arguments "revolve around you" it was not really about you; it could be about any other woman that he introduces into his life. Clearly she is not ready to share him with another woman, and he is not ready to lay down clear boundaries and cut their communication to strictly about co-parenting. A man who cannot handle his own business and let his anger/hatred spill all over your relationship doesn't sound like a great guy to me.

 

It sounds like he never got too involved with raising his children, and he bailed out when he was supposed to move in and take more responsibility of being a father. There are hundreds of legitimate reasons his ex should be mad at him, but we are not talking to his ex here - the question is why YOU want to be in the mix?

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How could he control it? He tells her not to message so often and that he can't always reply but she does it anyway. That is why he refused to give her his new phone number when he changed it

 

What else could he be doing?

Its not a one and done kind of thing. It speaks more to the person he is, the control he has over his life, what he chooses. It also takes time for divorce, custody arrangements and new life to solidify. Which he has given no real time to have happen..

 

Its like you've got this bowl of spaghetti and you want to take the noodles out but not get any sauce on you... could happen. is it likely?

 

In this situation, he needs to get his ex wife and their co-parenting situation defined in a way that these fights aren't happening.

 

Not giving a phone number? How's that a mature long term solution? He jumped from an odd married living arrangement to a live in girlfriend arrangement in a matter of months...

 

What does he base his life choices on? which way the wind blows? He's not really there with them but married? Its like he had two lives, one as a bachelor, one as a married dad of two. In what sense is this logical?

 

If you were there every night and it made sense to move in, where were the children? They never stayed with their father?

 

I think this man puts no thought into his actions. Whether that makes him a good person has nothing to do with. What it does have to with, is how it effects his life and yours by association.

 

I dated someone that was always fighting with his family... he co-signed loans, they'd miss payments & not tell him.

 

He was always so mad... rightly so, but what could he do? Stop supporting them. I stuck with him & this for awhile recognizing, its his family, his money....

 

then the next thing, his sister was going to lose her house. he told her what to do, but she didn't do it and she didn't tell him. So now he's in complete knight in shining amour mode.... trying to stop a foreclosure....

 

And I'm like why? These people don't care about their own existence. But its his family. His dynamic... He didn't change it because he didn't want to. Its him. How he chooses to deal. He grew up in chaos and lives in chaos, eventhough he's an adult and he doesn't have to. He can't see it.

 

Another guy worked so much. Trying to start his own business... admirable but, not the best time to try to start a relationship...

 

Sometimes a guy can be great, but his situation is not fair to their partner. That's when the partner has to recognize, I'm not the top banana here. Am I ok with that? Because it won't change.

 

Healthy, happy relationships are two people working toward the same goal. How can you meet your goals in a situation that isn't yours and isn't settled?

 

You're the third wheel here. Whether he or you want you to be.

 

Go back to your place. If you guys are meant to be, you will be. Some space & peace will do you good.

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Its not a one and done kind of thing. It speaks more to the person he is, the control he has over his life, what he chooses. It also takes time for divorce, custody arrangements and new life to solidify. Which he has given no real time to have happen..

 

Its like you've got this bowl of spaghetti and you want to take the noodles out but not get any sauce on you... could happen. is it likely?

 

In this situation, he needs to get his ex wife and their co-parenting situation defined in a way that these fights aren't happening.

 

Not giving a phone number? How's that a mature long term solution? He jumped from an odd married living arrangement to a live in girlfriend arrangement in a matter of months...

 

What does he base his life choices on? which way the wind blows? He's not really there with them but married? Its like he had two lives, one as a bachelor, one as a married dad of two. In what sense is this logical?

 

If you were there every night and it made sense to move in, where were the children? They never stayed with their father?

 

I think this man puts no thought into his actions. Whether that makes him a good person has nothing to do with. What it does have to with, is how it effects his life and yours by association.

 

I dated someone that was always fighting with his family... he co-signed loans, they'd miss payments & not tell him.

 

He was always so mad... rightly so, but what could he do? Stop supporting them. I stuck with him & this for awhile recognizing, its his family, his money....

 

then the next thing, his sister was going to lose her house. he told her what to do, but she didn't do it and she didn't tell him. So now he's in complete knight in shining amour mode.... trying to stop a foreclosure....

 

And I'm like why? These people don't care about their own existence. But its his family. His dynamic... He didn't change it because he didn't want to. Its him. How he chooses to deal. He grew up in chaos and lives in chaos, eventhough he's an adult and he doesn't have to. He can't see it.

 

Another guy worked so much. Trying to start his own business... admirable but, not the best time to try to start a relationship...

 

Sometimes a guy can be great, but his situation is not fair to their partner. That's when the partner has to recognize, I'm not the top banana here. Am I ok with that? Because it won't change.

 

Healthy, happy relationships are two people working toward the same goal. How can you meet your goals in a situation that isn't yours and isn't settled?

 

You're the third wheel here. Whether he or you want you to be.

 

Go back to your place. If you guys are meant to be, you will be. Some space & peace will do you good.

 

He has told her multiple times he only wants to talk about the children. She refuses to listen. She tells him that they need to get along and trust eachother which means they need to talk and so he ends up agreeing.

 

He has given her the phone number. She could always contact him before through facebook messenger but after their last fight he gave her the number and agreed to put more effort into talking as she told him she was tired of it being one sided and always being the one to message first in the mornings and things like that. I cant go back to my place right now as i didn't live alone and we are in quarantine.

 

I have no problems with regards to him putting me first. He has always made me a priority and made it clear it is me he wants to be with. We are happy together and have no other issues

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I get the impression that, as frustrating as you find all this, you also find some kind of comfort or thrill from it? I don't mean that to sound harsh, but on a logical level you must understand that this is just...how it's going to be. I'm curious: Have you in the past experienced feelings of paranoia and jealousy inside relationships? Could you perhaps see them as "inevitable" in romance?

 

Guess what I'm saying is that, when it comes to dating someone with kids with someone else, this situation is pretty extreme in its turbulence. Says a lot about your boyfriend, the kinds of choices he makes, so I suppose it's for you to ask if those are the sorts of choices of someone you want to commit to.

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This is why you don't date someone who is fresh out of relationship. As you are experiencing, there are 3 people in this relationship.

 

And every time I meet a man who tells me horrible stories about their ex and the ending of their relationship, I quietly think to myself, if his ex were here I wonder what she'd say. I would imagine my ex saying just about the same things, that I was difficult and woke up one morning crazy and wanted out. But my truth is my ex as abusive and controlling. But the women sitting across from him listening to his story would never know that.

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He has told her multiple times he only wants to talk about the children. She refuses to listen. She tells him that they need to get along and trust eachother which means they need to talk and so he ends up agreeing.

 

He has given her the phone number. She could always contact him before through facebook messenger but after their last fight he gave her the number and agreed to put more effort into talking as she told him she was tired of it being one sided and always being the one to message first in the mornings and things like that. I cant go back to my place right now as i didn't live alone and we are in quarantine.

 

I have no problems with regards to him putting me first. He has always made me a priority and made it clear it is me he wants to be with. We are happy together and have no other issues

I wasn't thinking about the quarantine and roommates. How old are you?

 

From your original post, you clearly state you are feeling he its not over his ex. His behavior, from what you have said, and your own intuition, I think he probably does.

 

Any time, I ignored my gut, I kicked myself later.

 

Many people come here for advice and then once they get it, they explain away the advice. So know its common to reject advice and provide reasons why a person should do whatever it is they are doing or want.

 

You don't need to convince anyone, least of all strangers on an anonymous forum.

 

If you have no problems, other than the emotional attachment and or feelings your boyfriend has for his wife (are they divorced?) its still a pretty big problem.

 

I also question, how you could really think you are the priority in his life. I do feel, priorities shift, based on everyday life. We love many people and often have competing priorities in the community that is our life.

 

So its pretty simple.... If I feel I am my partner's priority, in general, that directly conflicts with any feelings of insecurity. They just don't go together

 

Something isn't right here. I know its bothersome. Maybe you thought you'd hear that you're being silly. I don't think that you are.

 

Its either emotions from going through a divorce, that he will need to work through and once he does, will he be the same man? Or is he just an angry guy and will his anger just shift to you?

 

The anger is a big concern. You're seeing a side of the man that he cannot control. And you're ok with it, because its not directed at you. But its still not under his control. so you're kidding yourself if you think he'd be able to control at any time.

 

Some people can only handle negative feelings in one emotional expression, anger.

 

Which while in the honeymoon stage, seems like something you can deal with. He's not mad allll the time. However, in time, it will become a huge problem. You might find yourself in eggshells, embarrassed, pulling away from others and who knows what else, to avoid his temper.

 

The red flags we ignore in the beginning, become the deal breakers in the end.

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Guess what I'm saying is that, when it comes to dating someone with kids with someone else, this situation is pretty extreme in its turbulence. Says a lot about your boyfriend, the kinds of choices he makes

 

What do you mean by this?

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What do you mean by this?

 

Not answering for BC, but his priority should be his children, not dating and moving in with someone so soon. At which point in time he and ex can learn to co parent well and the situation with the kids become stable . .and he's not fighting, making up and in constant communication with the ex, he might be date-able.

 

You assuming constant contact is normal? No. You have well defined custody arrangements and you respect that other parents time with the kids and give the room to do so. The only reason to communicate is for business purposes and emergencies. Not to tell them Good Morning

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I wasn't thinking about the quarantine and roommates. How old are you?

 

From your original post, you clearly state you are feeling he its not over his ex. His behavior, from what you have said, and your own intuition, I think he probably does.

 

Any time, I ignored my gut, I kicked myself later.

 

Many people come here for advice and then once they get it, they explain away the advice. So know its common to reject advice and provide reasons why a person should do whatever it is they are doing or want.

 

You don't need to convince anyone, least of all strangers on an anonymous forum.

 

If you have no problems, other than the emotional attachment and or feelings your boyfriend has for his wife (are they divorced?) its still a pretty big problem.

 

I also question, how you could really think you are the priority in his life. I do feel, priorities shift, based on everyday life. We love many people and often have competing priorities in the community that is our life.

 

So its pretty simple.... If I feel I am my partner's priority, in general, that directly conflicts with any feelings of insecurity. They just don't go together

 

Something isn't right here. I know its bothersome. Maybe you thought you'd hear that you're being silly. I don't think that you are.

 

Its either emotions from going through a divorce, that he will need to work through and once he does, will he be the same man? Or is he just an angry guy and will his anger just shift to you?

 

The anger is a big concern. You're seeing a side of the man that he cannot control. And you're ok with it, because its not directed at you. But its still not under his control. so you're kidding yourself if you think he'd be able to control at any time.

 

Some people can only handle negative feelings in one emotional expression, anger.

 

Which while in the honeymoon stage, seems like something you can deal with. He's not mad allll the time. However, in time, it will become a huge problem. You might find yourself in eggshells, embarrassed, pulling away from others and who knows what else, to avoid his temper.

 

The red flags we ignore in the beginning, become the deal breakers in the end.

 

I am 23.

 

You think he does?

 

They are not divorced. They were never married.

 

He always makes me a priority. Puts any plans we make above anything else. And puts spending time with me above everything.

 

I am not ok with the anger but i have only ever seen it directed at her so i think she just knows how to push his buttons

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