Jump to content

Missyolo

Recommended Posts

Sorry for the long rambling post.

 

I'm begining to feel as though my boyfriend isn't completely over his ex.

 

He has a very complicated relationship with his ex. His baby mama. I understand they need to be in contact as they have babies together but i sometimes feel as though it may be more than that.

 

I know he loves me and he treats me well but he has a very intense love/hate kind of thing going on with her.

 

I dont think anything has ever happened between them and i dont really believe that he would want it to but i can't get my head around it all.

 

One minute they will be at eachothers throats having some of the worst arguments i have ever known, yesterdays involved him calling her deluded, crazy and saying he wishes he had never had the children with her, he gets so mad, frustrated and filled with hate towards her but then the next minute they are apologising and laughing and joking with eachother.

 

From what i can tell she is usually the one to cause the fights and also the one to end them by apologising. Yesterday was different, he was the angriest i had seen him towards her and then he just stopped. She blew up his phone still raving at him but he ignored it and apologised for what he had said and agreed he had alot of work to do to make things right. He even gave her his new phone number that he has had since december and previously refused to give her and unblocked and her back onto his snapchat.

Until then she could only contact him through facebook messenger and they aren't friends om facebook, just contacts on messenger.

 

I know the arguments are usually about me as she has made it clear how she feels about me but i do feel bad as this time it caused a real issue. It wasnt anything i had done but my nan died the night before last and so he was busy comforting me when she asked him to watch the eldest child so she could take the youngest to the hospital. Obviously we live in a different house to her and the children so he said he couldnt and said it was because of the lockdown. She saw through this as she knew my nan had died, she is friends with another member of my family. Obviously got angry and ww3 began.

 

The child turned out to be fine but she didnt tell him this until long after the arguing had stopped. Whether she knew before then or not i don't know.

 

I know there is a fine line between love and hate and i am wondering if he is walking it. I don't think he even realises it himself.

 

Yesterdays fight seemed different to any others he has told me about. If i am with him at the time he reads out her messages and tells me his replies. The way he spoke to and about her, he seemed as though he really hated her. But then just like a switch had been flipped he stopped and apologised.

I have never known him to apologise after an argument, especially not with her.

 

I feel as though i am being very paranoid and coming across as very insecure about her but i'm not. I know he loves and wants to be with me, he has made that clear to her. But i wonder if deep down he feels something for her still and hasn't even admitted it to himself

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 108
  • Created
  • Last Reply

How long have you been dating? Soon he'll turn on you. Your relationship is about their relationship. You are wasting your time on them and their on/off , hot/cold nonsense. You need to end this.

him calling her deluded, crazy and saying he wishes he had never had the children with her, he gets so mad, frustrated and filled with hate towards her but then the next minute they are apologising and laughing and joking with eachother. If i am with him at the time he reads out her messages and tells me his replies.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

How long have you been dating? Soon he'll turn on you. Your relationship is about their relationship. You are wasting your time on them and their on/off , hot/cold nonsense. You need to end this.

 

We have been together for 8 months and currently live together. I have told him before i do not want to know what is said between them as it is not my business and that way i can not be brought into it and blamed for things but i think he thinks he is doing the right thing in being open and telling me

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Now is a good time to cut your losses. Why are you already living together? He is abusive to her and you're next.

 

From what i have heard she says some pretty nasty things herself. When we got together i spent a lot of time at his and for the last about 4 months have just been staying there

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's said that you don't really get that upset or angry with someone you don't have an emotional attachment too.

I think you should listen to your gut.

 

So you think it could be more than just the children? As i say, yesterdays fight was the worst one i have known about. The way he spoke about her and the things he said to her were fuelled with hate. But he very quickly calmed and apologised. I have never seen him say such nasty things to her. They have both said a lot of horrible things in the past to eachother but the things he called her and how he said he wished he had never had the children with her seemed so cold. And for him to be the one to apologise is something so rare. He seemed almost ready to grovel to her

Link to comment
Share on other sites

One minute they will be at eachothers throats having some of the worst arguments i have ever known, yesterdays involved him calling her deluded, crazy and saying he wishes he had never had the children with her, he gets so mad, frustrated and filled with hate towards her but then the next minute they are apologising and laughing and joking with eachother.

 

Yesterdays fight seemed different to any others he has told me about. If i am with him at the time he reads out her messages and tells me his replies. The way he spoke to and about her, he seemed as though he really hated her. But then just like a switch had been flipped he stopped and apologised.

I have never known him to apologise after an argument, especially not with her.

 

I feel as though i am being very paranoid and coming across as very insecure about her but i'm not. I know he loves and wants to be with me, he has made that clear to her. But i wonder if deep down he feels something for her still and hasn't even admitted it to himself

 

As frustrating as the situation is, I think if or what feelings he still has for his ex should be the least of your concerns. Be careful with men who get very angry, call names and refuse to apologize or ever own up to their wrong doings. He will treat you with the same tactics sooner or later, if not worse.

 

As for his ex? It sounds like they spent years together and had only broken up for a short while before you entered the picture. It wouldn't be surprising if they still had feelings for each other, or this could be another episode in their love/hate, on/off relationship. Worse still, they seem rather toxic to each other. Now you've seen that dynamic and decided you didn't like it, but due to the children they will always continue to interact with each other. Is this an ideal setting for a long-term relationship? I think you'll be better off leave them be and find someone more emotionally stable and not so involved with an ex.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So you think it could be more than just the children? As i say, yesterdays fight was the worst one i have known about. The way he spoke about her and the things he said to her were fuelled with hate. But he very quickly calmed and apologised. I have never seen him say such nasty things to her. They have both said a lot of horrible things in the past to eachother but the things he called her and how he said he wished he had never had the children with her seemed so cold. And for him to be the one to apologise is something so rare. He seemed almost ready to grovel to her

 

Post divorce anything my ex did sent me through the roof with craziness. Now, several years later and zero emotional attachments he could do or say just about anything and I'd either find it comical or shrug it off. I just don't care enough to give it any value.

 

You react differently to people based on your attachment to them.

From what you describe, things are pretty volatile between them. You commented on an old adage about there being a thin line between hate and love and it still applies for good reason. People you don't care about can't get you that upset.

 

It doesn't mean they want each other. . .but there is a definite emotional connection between them that they haven't yet exercised.

I personally wouldn't want to be in the middle of it. But that's me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Only broken up with his ex for two months, moving in together after 4 months...you didn't know this guy AT ALL when you moved in.

 

Now you're seeing what his life truly consists of.

 

This is how things will be. Do you want this? If not, time to cut your losses now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The only thing they should be discussing is the arrangements and decision-making about co-parenting. Since he regularly engages in other discussions with her, even if hateful, he is not good bf material. If you think the children are blind to the animosity between them, they are not. They notice every little thing, and if they are "babies," it's not like they are in another room, unattended, while the parents duke it out or are on their rollercoaster of changing feelings.

 

Walk away from people who are in a toxic soap opera. Don't you deserve to live in a pleasant atmosphere with someone who knows how to properly treat other human beings? She's the mother of his children. If he was mature and a decent human being, he'd be doing everything in his power to make sure his children get through this tough transition as easily as possible. He also wouldn't subject a gf to the stress and ugliness he has created.

Get out now before investing anymore time into this horrible mess. In the future, don't make any major decisions like moving in with a guy until you've known them at least a year. It sometimes takes a while to see the reality of who a person is beyond the honeymoon period.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Post divorce anything my ex did sent me through the roof with craziness. Now, several years later and zero emotional attachments he could do or say just about anything and I'd either find it comical or shrug it off. I just don't care enough to give it any value.

 

Here’s the gamble...even rational, level-headed people like reinvent can get through the roof crazy post-divorce. I know I said and did some things I’m not proud of while going through my own divorce and for a time after it was official, too. So you are going to have to be honest with yourself and your assessment of his character here and make your best guess. Is he a verbally abusive man who argues frequently and generally refuses to apologize? Or is he a great guy pushed to the edge by a painful divorce and a shrew of an ex? If he is the brute, it’s pretty obvious you should bounce. If he is the good guy, you have a new choice. Do I ride out the painful healing process with him, and bank on our connection when he “comes to?” Or...might I possibly be a rebound who gets the rug pulled out from under her after investing in him through some really hard times?

 

You’re getting advice that leans toward the get out and cut your losses side of things because that’s playing the odds...there are several “it doesn’t work out” scenarios but only one “happily ever after” possibility. But, it’s still a possibility....

 

So human behavior is often unpredictable and nobody can see the future...that’s why it’s a gamble any way you choose. I liked the “trust your gut” advice one poster threw out there. There is no THIS WILL ABSOLUTELY WORK route you can take - just have have to decide what you believe to be closest to the truth and make your best guess!

 

No matter what you decide and what ends up happening I hope you find people who will listen and care here. Keep us posted!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Like your take, Skeptic.

 

Perhaps related, perhaps not: My general rule is that a relationship, particularly during the first year or two when it's being built, should be gauged by what you get, in the present, not what you might you get, one day, once this or that smoke clears of changes hue.

 

I can only speak for myself, but I can't imagine a scenario in which I'd be able to be happy, in the present, with someone who had this kind of tempestuous relationship with their ex. It is, in a word, drama. Replace "ex" with "boss" or "best friend" or "second cousin down the street" and I'd say the same thing. Be it an unfortunate phase during a tough transition, or something more, I'd process it as a very real hindrance to the sort of connection I seek.

 

Bottom line is that, if you date someone with kids with someone else, you are going to have a relationship of some kind with that someone else. Which means it is something to observe along with all the obvious candidates in the compatibility equation. This particular equation? Sounds like it's producing a lot of feelings—anxiety, insecurity, paranoia, doubt—that are at odds with what many people want to feel at the eight month mark and beyond.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why do you think they are arguing about you?

 

Because i know she blames me for just about everything she can. For them having not got back together when she wanted to, for any times he can't see or have the children. She gets frustrated so he stops answering her messages. She blows up his phone, he responds to tell her what he's doing with his life is nothing to do with her and arguments break out. It seems to be the same dynamic everytime. After every argument they appear to get along better than before for a time until it happens again. Everything revolves around me in their fights, she will come out with things like him being a liar or not a father to the children but it is always followed by a "since you met her". She refuses to let him have the children around me too which makes things difficult. He took one of them for his friends daughters birthday a few weeks back and i went along taking my neice. I did not know she didn't know i was going, the child went home and mentioned my name. All hell broke loose. But even then they didn't argue like this last one they had.[

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He is a great guy, he does have some anger issues but for the most part he seems to have them in check. It is just her that really brings it out. Some times he acts as though he absolutely hates her. Others like he couldn't care less about her. But even while he is acting in this way he still talks to her. They don't speak a huge amount i don't think but they text daily. I do not know what is said as i tell him i do not want to know. He only reads out arguments, doesn't tell me the rest. But i have seen her messages pop up before and they will be along the lines of... "Morning. How are you? Sleep well? Xx" "Shall we take the children to the theme park soon?" And asking what new furniture she should buy or what colour to paint, showing him what redecorating she's done and saying how he'll be impressed when he next goes over. So it appears to just all be general small talk

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The only thing they should be discussing is the arrangements and decision-making about co-parenting. Since he regularly engages in other discussions with her, even if hateful, he is not good bf material. If you think the children are blind to the animosity between them, they are not. They notice every little thing, and if they are "babies," it's not like they are in another room, unattended, while the parents duke it out or are on their rollercoaster of changing feelings.

 

Walk away from people who are in a toxic soap opera. Don't you deserve to live in a pleasant atmosphere with someone who knows how to properly treat other human beings? She's the mother of his children. If he was mature and a decent human being, he'd be doing everything in his power to make sure his children get through this tough transition as easily as possible. He also wouldn't subject a gf to the stress and ugliness he has created.

Get out now before investing anymore time into this horrible mess. In the future, don't make any major decisions like moving in with a guy until you've known them at least a year. It sometimes takes a while to see the reality of who a person is beyond the honeymoon period.

 

I could be wrong as i am never there when they are together bit i think they only argue over messages. From what he has said they have no issues when they are together in person and get along well. He mostly sees the children either at her house or they take them out together. I am never involved

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am sorry for your loss, but truth be told..he acted VERY irresponsible in not helping out and taking his child when the other child had to see a doctor. You as his girlfriend should know better. He is a Dad first and foremost. You should have been encouraging him to help out and get his child.

I can see why the ex was angry.

 

You are getting in the way of parenting. It's not your place to get in the middle. They have these two children to look after and he is a Dad 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

If you're going to keep him from that and help start fights with the mother of his children, then you shouldn't be with him.

 

The kids come first and always should come first.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

They were broken up a very short amount of time when he started dating you, OP. That was you first red flag.

 

The next? Moving in together so quickly. What was the rush there?

 

You might be a fine person, but I understand why his ex doesn't want his children around you yet. She doesn't know you, and she sees that you two moved at lightning pace. The risk is that the kids meet you and then the relationship falls apart and their lives are ruptured yet again. It's not the right time to get children involved, especially when Mom and Dad have such a rocky relationship.

 

There's unfinished emotional business between them. That much is obvious. Keeping in touch about the kids is expected and necessary, of course, but the rest of it suggests there's still more to it.

 

How did you meet him, or did you know him before he broke up with his ex?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

They were broken up a very short amount of time when he started dating you, OP. That was you first red flag.

 

The next? Moving in together so quickly. What was the rush there?

 

You might be a fine person, but I understand why his ex doesn't want his children around you yet. She doesn't know you, and she sees that you two moved at lightning pace. The risk is that the kids meet you and then the relationship falls apart and their lives are ruptured yet again. It's not the right time to get children involved, especially when Mom and Dad have such a rocky relationship.

 

There's unfinished emotional business between them. That much is obvious. Keeping in touch about the kids is expected and necessary, of course, but the rest of it suggests there's still more to it.

 

How did you meet him, or did you know him before he broke up with his ex?

 

I knew him before but only for a couple of months. We met through mutual friends.

 

Do you think any emotional attachment could just be on her side?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I knew him before but only for a couple of months. We met through mutual friends.

 

Do you think any emotional attachment could just be on her side?

 

No, I think it's clearly on his side too. His strong reactions to her give him away.

 

Was he living with her and their children before you two moved in together, or? And again, why did you two move in so quickly?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...