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Sometimes I drive by ex's/old friend's houses out of nostalgia. Bad idea?

midnightdeirdre

By midnightdeirdre
in Dating Advice

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midnightdeirdre Experienced

midnightdeirdre

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Today I was driving home after an errand; it was cloudy and rainy, weather which I love! (Plus, with this quarantine I wanted to be out for as long as I'm allowed.)

I took the "long way home" and decided to drive by my old guy friend's house, since it was on the way there. He and I actually never officially dated, although we did have feelings for each other back in high school.

 

I dated one guy in high school named Bob. Sometimes I drive by his house out of nostalgia, although I haven't in a LONG time.

 

I posted another forum earlier about how my guy friend Christian and I agreed to be a couple---then a week later he said he'd rather take it slower. Guess what: soon after he said that, he acted the polar opposite! He treated me like a princess/as though I was a special girl in his life. Less than 2 weeks after that, he agreed to be a couple after all.

 

Now I feel guilty that I drove by a guy's house that I used to have feelings for. I guess I feel bad that I didn't do that solely out of nostalgia, but perhaps subconsciously I was curious if I'd see him----wait, thinking about it, I did just want to see him out of nostalgia.

 

I then drove by a girl's house who I was friends with in elementary school. I hadn't been up that road in forever, and I just wanted to see what her house looked like now. (Elementary school was my Vietnam. I decided to go up that street to prove to myself how strong I am.)

 

Is it unhealthy that I do this? Was I betraying Christian by driving by that guy's house, even if it was solely out of nostalgia? (Should I tell him about this, or just let it go?)

 

All opinions/feedback welcome!

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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No betrayal - it's driving -but I think it's getting in your own way because you're deliberately putting these people from the past back on the radar. And if there's a risk the person will see your car especially more than once that could have other consequences too.

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Andrina Grand Master

Andrina

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No, do not tell Christian about driving by and old flame's house. It's okay to do stuff like that for nostalgia once in a blue moon. But if you find yourself doing it regularly, and your mind goes too often to the past, it means that you're not happy in the present. People sometimes search their past, for a time they were once happy. As the saying goes, "When the past comes calling, don't answer. It has nothing new to say." Work on making your present all it can be. If you're dissatisfied with any aspect of your life, make some goals on how to achieve what you want. That usually requires breaking up the goal into small achievable steps. Take care.

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Spawn Mentor

Spawn

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its stirs up old memories so dont do this if you are already feeling bad about it.

But many of us have done it. My friend stays near to my exs house but we generally catch up somewhere else i also have to drive by her house to reach office but take a different route.

whenever i get the temptation i just tell myself its not worth the pain or the confusion of feelings i eill put myself into, past is past...stay there

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Spawn Mentor

Spawn

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i remember sitting in a restaurant near to my first ex's home, just thinking i would get to see her.

That never happenned and then one fine day i just woke up and started living my life without a thought about her.

 

if i do pass by that place i dont feel nostalgic, no feelings for her comes to my mind or heart.

Apparently she committed suicide a year after she left me for her ex.

 

If there are any lingering thoughts that keep you attached to your ex subconsciously i have observed that you are not able to give your 100% in a new relationship.

 

the day you go back to the same place you visited with your ex or just drive by their home and you dont feel anything at all you are truly on your way in your life, bond that once existed between you and your ex is no longer there , you are truly free.

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midnightdeirdre Experienced

midnightdeirdre

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Why would you report taking a scenic route to this guy unless it is getting so boring that you need to create drama?

 

I felt like I did something wrong by driving by an old guy friend's house. Thought maybe I should tell Christian and get it off my chest. But I agree, it was a one-time thing, and I did it out of nostalgia, not because I had any feelings for the guy friend. Plus, on that same route I drove by a childhood friend's house for the same reason. (I was also curious if I would recognize her house now, which I did.)

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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I felt like I did something wrong by driving by an old guy friend's house. Thought maybe I should tell Christian and get it off my chest. But I agree, it was a one-time thing, and I did it out of nostalgia, not because I had any feelings for the guy friend. Plus, on that same route I drove by a childhood friend's house for the same reason. (I was also curious if I would recognize her house now, which I did.)

 

Why would you burden someone you care about with your personal guilt? Do you want him to feel upset and worry about what it all could mean?

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midnightdeirdre Experienced

midnightdeirdre

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Do you want to stop dating Christian? If not, why try to upset him by telling him something so trivial? If so, you could just tell him you don't want to date him anymore.

I don't want to stop dating Christian. As I said, I thought maybe I did something wrong by driving by houses of people from my past.

 

Or are you trying to "test" him?

Test him by doing what exactly?

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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Because of this quarantine we haven't been able to see each other for the past month. It's been tough, but it has mellowed me out some. (Meaning if we don't work out, I know I'll be okay.)

 

Oh -so if you're not that into him anymore I would end things but please don't add to the hurt by telling him what you did.

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boltnrun Grand Master

boltnrun

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I don't want to stop dating Christian. As I said, I thought maybe I did something wrong by driving by houses of people from my past.

 

 

Test him by doing what exactly?

 

By telling him what you did and then gauging his reaction. Or telling him in the hopes he will end it.

 

If you already know you will be ok if the relationship ends, you are not at all into him the way a romantic partner should be.

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