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Figured Out What Really Has Been My Issue, How To Fix?


JCDallas
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Hey guys. I'm a 26 year old straight male from New Jersey. I have had many different relationships in the past, but ultimately have had a very limited sexual life. I've only done more than kissing/touching with one person and it was seven years ago, when I did everything. Anyway, at that time, I loved absolutely everything about the idea of being sexual and involved physically with a woman, it was great and something I waited 19 years of my life to do. I loved it all except one thing, and it's kinda important. I didn't like giving oral sex to her. I didn't like the taste & after I did it, it just left a bad taste in my mouth & thoughts that stuck with me for seven years, one way or another.. Ever since that moment, at one point or another, in the back of my mind I've had this thought "does this mean I could possibly be gay?" For the longest time, I couldn't figure out how or why I would even think this way to begin with, until last night when I made a sudden realization about not liking the taste of my first time trying oral sex. There were times where I (unwillingly) imagined what the taste of a penis would be like, if I'd like the taste, or not. Did I ever once think to actually act on this to find out? No, and I don't want to know either, as I have no desire to do that, I don't get those feelings for men at all. Usually I either ignored the thoughts or just let it be. For the last two months during the lockdown I've given these thoughts my full attention pretty much exclusively every day, and I need advice on how to move on from it. I know I have absolutely no desire to date, be romantic with, get physical with men whatsoever, it's just not who I am. It's okay for people to do that if they please, but it's not me. I'm 100% straight and plan to have a future with a woman that leads married and kids, with a great sex life. I want to learn to like oral sex with females, I have read it's an acquired taste, not every one tastes the same, and if you love pleasuring your woman, you will learn to like the taste, I've just been worried and super paranoid about this for awhile now and now that I've figured out the real reason why I think this way, I need to finally address this and be able to move on. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.

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It seems rather pointless to be trapped in your own mind over all this when you are all by yourself. There is not a love interest in the picture, man or woman, so how do you know you wouldn't enjoy oral sex next time you are with a girl you like? Pretty much everyone experienced some awkward moments when exploring sexuality, what they and their partners like and don't like, etc. You live and learn. And even if after experimenting, learning and communicating you still don't like giving oral? That's fine too. As long as you don't expect unreciprocal oral sex, there are plenty of girls who ain't crazy about orals either and will probably happily omit that part.

 

From what you described, I don't think you are attracted to men. More likely you are just confused by those early awkward moments when you were young, inexperienced and experimenting sex. May I ask if you have met or dated any other women since then? Did your underlying doubts hold you back from investing in or getting sexually involved with another woman?

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Appreciate your reply. This has been killing me and tricking me to think things that I know aren’t true. I’ve been seeing a therapist about this but I just recently think I found the real root to my problem literally last night.

 

Oh yeah I’ve dated plenty of women since then. I’ve been in more than a handful of other relationships since then. But they were all shorter than that relationship I mentioned above, and never went beyond kissing/touching certain areas, or getting physical with breasts, which I always absolutely loved doing, all of it, but it pretty much never got further than that. My most recent relationship was two months ago, before the quarantine.

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Oh, sorry I missed that part in your original post. Do you think the "am I gay?" question contributed to your relationships never going beyond making out? Or are there some other factors in that pattern? Are you afraid when things progress there will be the expectation for you to go down there again?

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I think it relates to not liking the taste of oral sex and wondering if that means I’m gay, and the fact that none of my relationships have gotten physical enough like that one did. Really I’m just in my own head. I have no desire or interest to get physical with men the same way I do with women but I guess I’m just worried that if I didnt like the taste of oral sex one time does that mean I’m automatically gay? And it was one time, I’m guessing it’s different for everyone and the taste grows on you, right?

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Appreciate your reply. This has been killing me and tricking me to think things that I know aren’t true. I’ve been seeing a therapist about this but I just recently think I found the real root to my problem literally last night. .

 

Wondering about your sexual orientation, do you mean?

 

What is your therapist's take on all of this? It seems to me - albeit just at a cursory and untrained glance - that you suffer from some anxiety and tendency to fixate and ruminate. Does this show up in other areas of your life, or is it primarily centered around sexuality?

 

Edited to add - I have only ever been with men (I am not attracted to women) and I can tell you that not all men taste great either. And the same guy doesn't always taste the same every time, either. Some women cannot tolerate the taste of men's, er, bodily fluids at all. It certainly doesn't mean they aren't attracted to men, though, just as you not having a pleasurable first experience givng oral to a woman. The act of giving oral can still be very pleasurable for a woman even if she isn't that into the associated taste. It just kind of comes with the package - excuse the double pun.

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Mostly about sexuality. I’ve been stuck on this for 2 months now. But it’s been in the back of my mind since that first experience I had. usually I ignored it. I’ve been seeing a therapist about it (virtually) now I’ve given it two months of full attention and found the root of the issue. I know I’m only interested in women but this has been bothering me

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Edited to add - I have only ever been with men (I am not attracted to women) and I can tell you that not all men taste great either. And the same guy doesn't always taste the same every time, either. Some women cannot tolerate the taste of men's, er, bodily fluids at all. It certainly doesn't mean they aren't attracted to men, though, just as you not having a pleasurable first experience givng oral to a woman. The act of giving oral can still be very pleasurable for a woman even if she isn't that into the associated taste. It just kind of comes with the package - excuse the double pun.

 

Quoting myself here since I edited after you posted, OP. You might find the above helpful to read.

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I think it relates to not liking the taste of oral sex and wondering if that means I’m gay, and the fact that none of my relationships have gotten physical enough like that one did. Really I’m just in my own head. I have no desire or interest to get physical with men the same way I do with women but I guess I’m just worried that if I didnt like the taste of oral sex one time does that mean I’m automatically gay? And it was one time, I’m guessing it’s different for everyone and the taste grows on you, right?

 

Most definitely not. I have to admit I'm not a great fan of the taste of semen, and I don't really mind my own taste, but never had I thought "am I lesbian?" because of that lol. Like you said everyone's taste is different, shower before sex helps, and most of times in the heat of the moment people just don't care (unless the smell/taste is offensive or due to bad hygiene/infections). And again there are girls who don't even like being eaten out. Good to hear you are exploring these thoughts with a therapist - they should be able to help you with this sudden realization and the related anxiety, too. Once this pandemic is over, get out there, meet some new people, and learn your sexuality and preference together when you build a new relationship.

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It could be inexperience. Or living with parents and lack of privacy and their lack of approval of your dating. Or low libido/depression, etc. However a physician is better qualified to diagnose and treat depression, low libido, etc.

 

A therapist can check for obsessive tendencies such as fear of sex, fear of homosexuality, fear of women, fear of living out on your own away from your mother, etc. A therapist can help with abnormal fears.

 

A one off bad experience does not determine your sexual orientation.

I’ve been stuck on this for 2 months now. But it’s been in the back of my mind since that first experience I had.
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That one woman might have had an infection, or perhaps she hadn't showered right before, or you plain didn't have chemistry with her. I know there were a few guys I had meet ups with (no sex, just meeting for the first time) and I didn't like their natural smell. That's biological and nothing you can control.

 

Although I like pleasing my man and am okay with his smell, my jaw gets tired and aches pretty fast but I try to switch things up and alternate with my hands a bit, etc. My point is that there is always a solution to a problem and you don't have to love to do something--you just have to love your partner enough to please them.

 

I would suggest that you purchase flavored lubricants (some are the warming kind) that you like the taste of, and use them if not all the time, then some of the time. I might suggest you use it the next time you plan to be intimate to get over your fear, initially. Later, you could experiment and don't use it, to see if you like a different woman's scent better. And if you don't like the lingering taste in your mouth, use mouthwash afterward.

 

Good luck.

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Soooo you only had one oral experience? Do you know a woman can taste different due to her diet, drinking habits, and or hygiene?

You can't expect one bad experience to exempt you from ever enjoying it. If you truly can't get past it, there is flavored lube that can be applied or use a dental damn.

 

It's not just for her, but for you. Women release pheromones down there, to heighten sexual experience.

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I Just wanted to say thank you for all of your replies, everyone. I did not know any of these things, because of my lack of experience. I am relieved to know about this and will definitely take everyone’s suggestions under consideration. Thank you for your replies!

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It sounds like you might have OCD tendencies with intrusive thoughts. An intrusive thought is one that logically you know probably isn't true, but you can't stop obsessing over it. You keep thinking "but it COULD be true".

 

Whenever I have an intrusive thought I immediately tell myself "this is an intrusive thought that has no basis in reality." It works very well to dismiss those kinds of thoughts.

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i don't think all men love to give oral sex, as well as there are women who don't necessarily enjoy doing so either.

 

There are a percentage of people that don't enjoy being on the receiving end of it either. Some people merely do so because pleasing their partner is the part of the act they enjoy, not necessarily the act itself.

 

Just because you had one bad experience with one particular sex act doesn't mean you should question your sexual orientation.

 

I think you just have preferences and dislikes. In my opinion - that makes you very normal.

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First things first, you gotta see if the next woman you are going to sleep with even likes oral sex. There are so many who don’t want anyone to go down on them. If your partner is one of those then no need to address or “move on” from anything.

 

If the opportunity to discuss it prior to “the heat of the moment” doesn’t present itself then you can:

 

a) just do it of your own accord once you’ve become intimate and see what you both think, or

b) wait and see if she requests oral and then do it.

 

At that point you’ll know if you need to have a talk about “acquiring the taste,” or if after all this time you’ve now found it to be an exciting and fun way to express your desire.

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Intrusive Thoughts and OCD, along with Anxiety, Is exactly what I have! I've been dealing with this exclusively for two months as I stay at home, and there's some good and bad days with it.. Like I said I have a therapist helping me realize the thoughts are okay to have and aren't real, but some days they feel more real than others.

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Ok. Step back and look at your goals.

1) you have a good job

2) you need your own place

3) you need to at least start dating

4) then you start having sex

5) then you get married

6) then you have kids.

I'm 100% straight and plan to have a future with a woman that leads married and kids, with a great sex life.
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Intrusive Thoughts and OCD, along with Anxiety, Is exactly what I have! I've been dealing with this exclusively for two months as I stay at home, and there's some good and bad days with it.. Like I said I have a therapist helping me realize the thoughts are okay to have and aren't real, but some days they feel more real than others.

 

"I didn't like oral sex with one woman so therefore I am gay" is most certainly an intrusive thought.

 

Tell yourself "this is an intrusive thought and is not true. I can clearly see that."

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